^ Yes. Like another recent thread on the grandchild subject, it rankles when people forget it’s not always about “me” and what “I” want. This isn’t “just” the sweet, touching little image of a dear grandma only wanting to send pix to her dearest, few, old Christmas card friends and poor dear is denied her one wish. It’s the rest of what was written.
I would have picked a nice photo and sent it to friends, sure. One. No discussing with a gal who we assume has her hands full. No repeated trying to engage this gal in something she isn’t comfortable with. No trying to win this battle and lose the war.
QM: I don’t want to take credit for thinking that up myself. My mother taught me that. Her mother taught her. It would be a sad thing for me if I had to figure out how to behave in the world without examples. It is difficult enough as it is. We all need help figuring out how to behave in new circumstances. imho
Hey, my one and old child swears up and down that she’s never having kids. You all count your blessings whatever your position - maternal grandparent, paternal grandparent, overbearing grandparent, awesome DIL, weird DIL. So long as the word “grandparent” is in there somewhere, you’re blessed beyond measure in my book
I agree with being on Team Baby. No need to “pick sides,” particularly when we have only heard ONE SIDE. Everyone is in new roles and there is undoubtedly a learning curve. If the OP wanted nothing more than to be validated, then I’m sure she is disappointed and we won’t hear back from her. If, however, she is open to various opinions that may not simply validate, then perhaps she can see things from a different perspective. Whether she is right or whether she is wrong is ultimately irrelevant, however, because she does not have control in this scenario. If she wants to see this child and become an important part of his life, she will, by necessity, HAVE to defer to the mom’s wishes in most things baby, and coexist very peacefully. And that will serve the baby well most of all. Who wants to feel he is the centerpiece in a tug of war?
So, OP, make nice with mommy, be a loving, supportive grandma within the boundaries set by these parents, and things will likely go well as everyone eases into this new dynamic. Get involved in a power play, then be prepared to be that grandma he only sees on the rare holiday. Your choice, really.
@TempeMom , ideally you space it out, preferably by early December so you’re not in the middle of last-minute cooking, cleaning, shopping, and wrapping. People don’t know or care the exact day and time you took a picture.
My twins, however, were projectile vomiters. It was a happy day when they “only” wore 5 outfits. If we knew we were taking pictures we’d drape them in towels and then whisk the towels away at the last second. Ah, good times. I actually miss them.
Well, I have to say that this “He is only a few months old but she has quite clearly not liked all of my opinions on certain things, and I am usually able to see her side and let her “win” because she is his mother.” makes me nervous, especially when combined with the earlier thread where the OP was determined to show up at the hospital during the birth.
I’ve never been a big card sender, and we’ve never sent a picture Christmas card. I don’t attach any importance to them, and if my parents or H’s had wanted to send a card with a picture of S I would have been happy to send them one to use. (For all I know my H may have sent one to his parents. My parents didn’t do pictures.) I find this a strange thing to draw a line in the sand over, on both sides. So I guess I don’t get it.
What I do get is that there are clearly boundary issues here. Complaining TO HER that she spends more time with her own mother? Seriously? Honestly, as the mother of an only son I get it, but you have to know that that is out of line.
@Patsam, I think your card text is very nice. I suggest you send it out without a picture of the baby with anyone, and say no more about it. In the name of all that’s holy, do NOT send it out with a picture of the baby without his mother!!! I can hear you saying, but she said I could send ONE and she didn’t like the one with her in it…NO. Just NO Send a copy to your S and DIL. Consider sending your DIL an email saying, “On further reflection, I realized that I really ought to have respected your original wishes on this, so we aren’t including a baby photo.” Privately you might think she was a little nuts on the topic, but keep it to yourself.
I guess I am still on the side of the new Mom who probably hasn’t had a good night sleep in over 10 weeks and who is adjusting to caring for this tiny new life. I remember what it was like to be a brand new mom without a clue and worse, no sleep. By 8 weeks, I was sleep-deprived as well as clueless - never a good combination; DH was exhausted. Ten weeks wasn’t much better. I remember being stunned when the pediatrician said my baby was sleeping “through the night” when she slept 5, 6 hours. That’s it?! I wanted the baby to sleep a good 10 hours at this point. I wanted 10 hours of sleep. As for the general knowledge that newborns slept 20 hours a day - never experienced that at all.
I honestly think new parents should be given a pass for the first three months of their firstborn’s life. They really are learning as fast as they can. They make mistakes. They will do things differently. They need support, not advice or even compliments. If you visit the mom, do what you can to help. If she wants tea, make her tea. If she needs something, get it for her. If she lets you hold the baby while she goes to the bathroom, hold the baby, smile and enjoy. In other words, coddle the mom as well as the baby.
Yes, of course, everyone is on the side of the baby but right now the baby is the battlefield. That’s not a good for the baby.
D1 would sleep through the night, sometimes 7 or 8 hours. But that was it. She would rarely nap, and when she was awake, she was usually crying. DH was working A LOT at that time, trying to make ends meet. He’d come home after a 12 or 14 hour day to find D1 still screaming (as she was when he left), and his wife sobbing in frustration as well. I probably wasn’t the most reasonable human being on the planet; I was so tired and desperate for some peace and quiet, and some happiness for my baby. Thank GOD my MIL was supportive and positive, at least to my face.
This was basically our life for the first 2 years. It’s a wonder I ever agreed to have another child.
Once she got through her early life, D1 was actually a very happy, even tempered child!
So we’ve got a young, unmarried mom with a dicey relationship with baby daddy and baby daddy’s mom is now also a factor in her life. I’m mystified by all these unplanned pregnancies. In any case new mom has a lot on her plate and probably needs all the support she can get.
I think op should focus on her son, give him a talk on birth control and make sure he’s financially and otherwise helping new mom.
If baby is going to daycare I suggest grandma offer to be the back up. Day cares can close a lot and not allow a slightly I’ll child to stay for the day. If her son is not likely to stick around it will be up to the op to make a relationship with the mom outside her son.
“So we’ve got a young, unmarried mom with a dicey relationship with baby daddy” “If her son is not likely to stick around”
That’s kind of a leap. Where is any mention/evidence of the relationship between the baby’s parents being dicey??
“I’m mystified by all these unplanned pregnancies.”
Egg/sperm. Oldest story in the book. What’s to be “mystified” by it? Things happen. Always have and always will. Baby has two parents living together, a mother who is breastfeeding, grandparents who want to be involved and support both emotionally and financially. Sounds like a good start to me.
I missed the part that the baby’s parents aren’t married.
Is there some sort of underlying issue with that? If there is, that may be part of what’s going on. Boy’s mom may be getting some misdirected-anger that “her son” hasn’t “done the right thing” and married her.
Maybe new mom thinks that Grandma’s pressure on her about how babies should be raised should redirected to her own son to marry her. Furthermore, new mom may be thinking that her own “Christmas card presentation that they are a family” is somehow undermined if grandma does something, too.
Just throwing it out there…may be totally off-base. Maybe new-mom has no intention of being married. But, if that is her secret wish, Grandma may become a constant target for mis-directed anger.
Don’t know if they are married or not, but the OP said that the pregnancy was “VERY unplanned” (with OP’s emphasis on the VERY). If they aren’t married, it may be just as likely that the young woman is panicked at the thought of marrying into a family that she doesn’t get along with. This is all speculation, though. The bottom line is that a birth of a baby after a “VERY unplanned pregnancy” is likely to be stressful on the baby’s mom and dad (and on their relationship), no matter what the particulars are. If I were the grandmother, I’d be focused on trying to reduce the stress by being very careful not to overstep boundaries.
Yes, the parents seem unmarried between posts here and on other threads but unmarried does not equal “dicey”. Many folks choose not to get married and have kids, or to get married later on. It’s not that unusual and is actually a growing trend. Let’s not extrapolate. Carry on.
@doschicos I never called the relationship “dicey” I believe that the fact that they are not married may offer an explanation as to why grandmother is trying to “stake her claim” to her grandson and why she feels alienated and left out of her grandson’s life.
