Is Boarding School Right For Him?

Prep School Admissions
1

<p>My son, who's currently in 8th grade, is very immature and small for his age (14 in March). He's the size of a fourth or fifth grader and acts like them. Partly because of his small stature, he's very introverted. He's often "lost" literally and figuratively amongst his peers.</p>

<p>Like many of his male classmates, he's not very motivated to do his homework, except when something really interests him (which is not very often). We need to be on him all the time to get his work done, he doesn't plan and he's very slow. He has no concept of time or sense of urgency. </p>

<p>The dilemma is that he has a lot of potential. Although he's not very competitive or motivated by grades, he's an A/A- student in a top private school and the highest ranked boy in his class. Earlier this year, he took the SSATs "cold" and scored in the 98th percentile. (He said he'll actually review the material, especially vocabulary, over his upcoming break because he wants to be in the 99th percentile).</p>

<p>We have considered day schools, but there are none near us that offer Chinese. He has taken Chinese for the last two years and absolutely loves it. There is one school about 40 minutes away, but they would require that he board. Unfortunately, there are only 19 boarding schools in New England and 3 day only schools in MA (where we live) that offer Chinese.</p>

<p>I suggested moving, but my husband (a financial person) said it would cost us about $150K in transaction costs (buying, selling, moving) to do so. Chinese isn't worth that much! His school's placement counselors have no suggestions.</p>

<p>We've recently decided to bide some time by having him continue where he is through 9th grade (the last year at his current school) and then repeat 9th grade IF he's ready to board. Otherwise, he’ll have to attend a day school without Chinese as a 10th grader.</p>

<p>We're just waiting for him to grow up...literally and figuratively...and don't know whether or not boarding is really an option. Has anyone else had a similar situation? The lack of maturity seems very common with boys, but he’s really, really immature both physically and socially.</p>

2

<p>Given his lack of physical and social maturity, I would think that BS may not be a good option for your son. A fair number of kids are repeats entering BS so that would make him even smaller/younger by comparison. If he was just physically small but had social maturity or a lot of confidence, I think it would be doable but the combo of the two could make it tough IMO.</p>

<p>In general, I have found BS boys to be an athletic, confident, extroverted bunch of kids. Your son could feel out of place in such a setting.</p>

<p>If you do decide to pursue a BS, make sure you look for ones that provide the structure/support your son would probably need given your description of his lack of self motivation. </p>

<p>You could always set up a chinese study progam on your own at home. JHU CTY also offers on-line courses.</p>

3

<p>Great Question!</p>

<p>Let’s start with everyone’s (yours and your son’s) objectives…</p>

<p>You are looking at boarding school for (fill in any I miss):

  • Opportunity to continue Chinese Language instruction.
  • A place to mature???</p>

<p>Your son is considering (I assume he is very much for the idea considering his effort towards the SSAT) boarding school for:

  • Opportunity to continue Chinese Language instruction.
  • Get away from the boredom (dislike of homework indicates he is not challenged) of homework etc. in his current school.
  • Ego building???</p>

<p>I throw out the “Ego Building” comment not as an insult, but many boys at that age (and yours sounds typical in this manner) are more competitive and work for prestige (Ego motivated). Admission to a prestigous BS is one of those things that can serve as a motivator.</p>

<p>As far as the physical immaturity part, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. A local hockey (now 9th grade) playing boy here where I live left this year to play at Gilmour Academy (Ohio). He definitely is not big. Goalie girl (all 5’ 6" of her) towers over him and he looks like he is a 6th grader. Don’t get me wrong he is a skilled player and probably has more confidence than skill. What I’m saying is that if he has the confidence and will to go, don’t let the physical keep you back.</p>

<p>The social skills/time management will develop and schools are used to this. I think the challenge of a boarding school is all about this. </p>

<p>Yes, he would be at a disadvantage not being socially mature in an interview situation, but schools know what kind of kid will or will not work in their program.</p>

<p>Having some coursework in Chinese might be helpful in admissions (to overcome other shortcomings), as many schools are looking for good candidates to keep those programs filled. </p>

<p>Have you considered looking outside of New England for boarding schools offering Chinese? Even a place like Culver Academy in Indiana (a great place to learn leadership skills as well) offers Chinese. I’m sure there are others.</p>

4

<p>I’ll agree with Creative1 that you should probably focus on schools that will be more supportive.</p>

<p>And you seem a bit down on your son’s non-academic development to this point. I think that perhaps the change of scenery may be what is needed to start the fire. Perhaps his current environment does not present an interesting environment for him to develop socially and build those life skills like time management and develop that sense of urgency. If he is undermotivated by his current school, no amount of nagging will get him to work faster or more efficiently. This is where the change of scenery (to a more challenging boarding school) might be what is needed.</p>

<p>And perhaps the need to improve these things (you need to spell it out to him) will jump start him now, much like the Chinese language opportunity.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to pick a fight with Creative1, but I think Creative1 is analyzing what is typical for BS students and focusing on matching to the existing profile of BS applicants while I am trying to focus on what your son needs to move forward.</p>

5

<p>I can see your points, goaliedad, but when a parent describes their child as “really, really immature both physically and socially”, I would hate to see a child put into a situation where they may fail and what that could do to a kid’s self confidence. Perhaps I am making opinions based on my knowledge of the “top tier” schools and there may be schools that would be a better fit that I am not familiar with. If he is in a top notch private day school now, a BS may or may not provide the extra challenge to relieve the “boredom” that is causing him to underachieve. It could be an issue that goes beyond being challenged. (Frankly, I am not a big fan of the whole “underachiever due to boredom” tag - as I tell my kids, the work has got to be done so just do it and do it right! Ok, off my soap box now.) </p>

<p>stymied - Since you mention that he’s currently in 8th grade and would continue in his present school through 9th with the possibility of repeating 9th in BS, if I were in your situation, I would use the coming year to foster independence, study skills, time management and social growth in your child over the next year. You may find that he could be in a much different space a year from now - and perhaps a growth spurt, too!</p>

6

<p>Well…if I read the original post correctly, the only reason you are considering boarding school is so your son can continue studying Chinese. That doesn’t seem like enough of a reason for me. It’s hard for many kids to be away from home that early in life, especially if you are not a particularly outgoing socially successful kid. The Chinese can somehow be managed: maybe a summer program, or an on-line class, or a class at a local college.</p>

7

<p>Here’s a thought, repeat 8th and go to Eaglebrook which is Pre-Prep 6th-9th, located in Deerfield, MA. They offer Chinese.</p>

<p>Does he want to go to BS?</p>

8

<p>I go to Choate and here I know a few kids who are “physically immature” but they make lots of friends because they are very outgoing. Not motivated is a problem though because people here really have to be able to manage their time well and balance academic life and social life.
Good luck in finding the right school for your son!</p>

9

<p>Wow. I think I agree with all of the comments here, including the disagreements as they’ve been resolved to this point. creative1 gives you a good idea of the match from the BS perspective. goaliedad redirects and focuses on your perspective. memake is right, too, if this is about Chinese, and ops wraps it up neatly with a suggestion that I think makes sense and brings it all together: repeat 8th at a junior BS where Chinese is offered. That was sort of like tag-team wrestling, except that it served a higher purpose.</p>

10

<p>I think the OP’s son might like a place where he will get a lot of attention early on, and later, get increasing amounts of responsibility and independence. It may just be that the student in question is not very confident because he hasn’t found a great way to express himself yet. In a way, I was like that when I started boarding school.
Upon graduation, all of my friends and the faculty who witnessed my progression from a freshman to a senior could attest to a huge positive transformation. The teacher who was the dean of my dormitory my freshman year said to me as a senior honestly said that I had underwent such a huge change in my maturity that it was hard for her to remember my first year. </p>

<p>In my humble opinion, from what I see this is entirely possible for your son as well. I think boarding school might just give him the opportunity to try new things, make some decisions on his own, and as a result, mature as a person.
Of course, not all boarding schools will be a good fit for him, so I think that it might be a good investment to get a good book on private secondary schools, maybe the Peterson’s Guide (2008), or the Greenes’ Guide to Boarding Schools. I would also check out the National Association of Independent Schools website (<a href=“http://www.nais.org%5B/url%5D”>http://www.nais.org</a>), The Association of Boarding Schools’ Website (<a href=“http://www.tabs.org%5B/url%5D”>http://www.tabs.org</a>), and Boarding School Review (<a href=“http://www.boardingschoolreview.org%5B/url%5D”>http://www.boardingschoolreview.org</a>). </p>

<p>Good luck, and if you have any questions about boarding schools, or my experience with boarding school, feel free to PM me.</p>

11

<p>I think a lot of the question of whether or not a boarding school is appropriate deals with the specifics of his “social maturity” issue.</p>

<p>If he is just shy and introverted with his peers (as opposed to an irritant who is socially clueless) and is more not active socially than active in an inappropriate manner, then BS might be a good thing (in a more nurturing atmosphere - i.e. not cutthroat competitive) for him.</p>

<p>He will also need to deal well with non-parental adult authority figures. Does he “get with the program” in school and ECs, or is he a child who requires more management in all aspects of life? This is often different from the kid who needs to be nagged at home because he is pushing this particular relationship. If he is not a positive participant in these outside relationships, BS is not appropriate (I’m not going to get into theraputic schools).</p>

<p>BTW, I have a non-goalie-son who is a high functioning autistic(aspergers). Definitely has problems with appropriate social relationships. Definitely not a candidate for boarding school (at least the types we talk about here). And I cannot afford the special boarding schools for aspies (much more per year than the schools talked about here with NO FA).</p>

<p>What we are saying is that we probably need to know more about his “social maturity” issue before being to help you further.</p>

12

<p>I will just throw in my two cents – </p>

<p>it also sounds like your son might fall into “gifted” category (from what you say about test scores, grades and the amount of work put into them).</p>

<p>Gifted kids can also have social maturity issues – especially the boys. My oldest was a classic example. While, intellectually, he was several years ahead of his peer, socially – he was several years behind. He actually attended a group therapy program specifically to address this issue – and the 7 other boys in the group had the same issues. Great grades, fantastic test scores – but very socially immature.</p>

<p>This does end up evening out as the hit the middle and end of the teenage years – so you should see a leveling out of social maturity in the next couple of years. a repeat of 9th grade would be a good solution – provided that the school he attends offers enough of a challenge to keep his focus in 12th grade.</p>

13

<p>I think what you’re considering is a good idea–having go through ninth grade at his current school, providing time to grow, physically and socially, and then applying as a repeat ninth grader. With the extra year, I think he would probably do fine, considering what it sounds like he really needs to grow is a challenge and more interesting work.</p>

14

<p>I don’t see how it could be good for him to repeat ninth grade really. For a bright student who has issues with motivation already, repeating the ninth grade IMO would be agonizing. I understand the physical maturity concerns, but I think there are other options you can take. Group therapy, or maybe sending him to an academically oriented program during the summer, away from home where he can do something that interests him, might be a better idea. I’m not a parent, but I’ve been in a similar situation to the son of OP.</p>

15

<p>@ tokyorevelation9: The OP’s son is in 8th grade right now. What do you think about the idea of having him repeat 8th grade at a junior boarding school? Is it just semantics? I would assume he can find some challenges at a junior boarding school that will keep him motivated, while he’s catching up on the social maturity issues.</p>

16

<p>I am assuming his stature issues have been explored with a physician. My S was always very small. He also has a late birthday so was often youngest in his group; some kids were a full year older. His most painful experience was singing bass when he was so short. All the other bassos were tall.</p>

<p>In preschool almost everyone wanted us to hold him back because of his height and late birthday. We really considered this, but the psychologist we knew said that school was basically academics and if he could do the work he should not be held back. Since he could read fluently at 3 I took this as a sign that he could do the work.</p>

<p>This sounds like a complicated set of issues.</p>

<p>Height? May not ever change. Although he will grow, he may always be on the short end of things. My S is now 18 and 5’7". I’m assuming this is his full height. H started getting him used to the idea of not being a giant early on, and I really think he’s okay with this.</p>

<p>Academics? Even being disorganized and unmotivated his is first in his class. Should be enough. He’ll grow when he finds something he really cares about. For my S it was the violin. If your S really loves Chinese then local college is a good option.</p>

<p>Social Life? I think if he has friends, all is well. If not, this issue should be addressed separately from academic issues.</p>

<p>Maturity? Very subjective evaluation. The immaturity of young boys never fails to amaze me. My S and his friends still fight with their plastic light sabres.</p>

<p>In interest of full disclosure: My S attended private day school until middle school until we went him to public school because it had more to offer. Our public high school has only 90 kids per grade, and the only suitable day school after sixth grade is a fundamentalist Christian day school. That was a deal-breaker for us. We do know those who sent their kids to the most elite boarding schools. </p>

<p>Outcome for day students, public school students and boarding students very similar in terms of college acceptances and intellectual achievements.</p>

<p>I think if your S wants to go to boarding school a suitable one should be found. If he doesn’t, then all is well and you just need to find a different way to provide Chinese.</p>

<p>I would caution repeating a grade, especially for a small boy. It’s one thing to be smaller and less mature than others your own age, but it’s worse to be smaller and less mature than those younger than you. Think about that carefully.</p>

17

<p>I really don’t know much about junior boarding schools to be honest D’yer Maker, but I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea for the OP to check some out. One of my roommates at Mercersburg went to the Rectory School in CT as a 6th grader, and my older brother went to the Linsly School in West Virginia, but he started as a ninth grader there. I almost applied for the 8th grade there, but I decided against it. There are plenty of boarding schools that have both junior boarding and high school boarding programs, which would save you the trouble of having to apply again after the 8th grade unless you wanted to go elsewhere. </p>

<p>Here’s a list of junior boarding schools and boarding schools with a junior boarding program on Boarding School Review: [Junior</a> Boarding Schools - Boarding School Review](<a href=“http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/junior-boarding-schools.php]Junior”>Best Junior Boarding Schools (2025-26))</p>

18

<p>It sounds to me as if boarding school would be out of the question for him, at this point in time. A boy who strikes his parents as physically, socially, and academically immature (in work habits), should not be sent off to “sink or swim,” no matter how bright he is. I think your current school’s placement counselors’ inability (or refusal) to suggest other options is also a clue.</p>

<p>I think you are right to wait, and then reassess his capabilities next year. 12 months can transform adolescents, and next year, you may be able to send him off to boarding school without worrying. OR, next year, you may decide to move to a different part in Massachusetts, to send him to an appropriate day school. </p>

<p>I have the impression that eighth grade is a very difficult year for private school parents, as the fever of the secondary school application process takes root. It must be very stressful to deal with the inquiries of others, who know how bright your son is, about his future plans.</p>

<p>If your child is not motivated by grades, have you considered progressive high schools? Massachusetts has a number of superb progressive high schools. It may help to ask him why he likes Chinese. He might love Chinese because progress mastering the language is its own reward. A program which provides feedback about academic progress other than grades might inspire him to pay greater attention to his studies.</p>

19

<p>I agree with Mythmom & Tokyorevelation.</p>

<p>We have learned from Stymied that son is “small”, “introverted”, “lost”, and “immature” compared to his peers. We have also learned that he is also very bright, earns excellent grades in a competitive private school, and when compared to his peers nationwide, performed at the 98th % on the SSAT. He has a passion for Chinese language. It sounds like the boy loves to learn!</p>

<p>The information provided by Stymied suggests that son will master his academics in 9th grade as successfully as he has in 8th grade-top of his class! That is why I don’t believe that repeating the 9th grade will be beneficial. Repeating a grade will put on hold for a school year, a progression of academic learning and intellectual curiosity in the hope that during that time he gains motivation, maturity, grows physically, becomes more extroverted (or less “introverted”). Whether or not he repeats a grade, he may or may not be smaller than he peers. Whether or not he repeats a grade, he may or not gain maturity as compared to the norm of his peers. Whether or not he repeats a grade, he may or may not become less introverted or less “lost”. </p>

<p>To me the question is not about whether the boy is ready for boarding school but about finding the right school, whatever kind it might be, that will meet his individual needs- a school will both work with him to become more responsible about school work (meeting deadlines, getting homework completed without prodding from parental units) and allows him to continue with his academic & intellectual journey- a journey where he has enjoyed great success!</p>

<p>Finding ways to continue learning Chinese shouldn’t have to be a deal breaker in finding a school. If you find a school that meets his needs but doesn’t offer Chinese, there are alternative ways to provide the language lessons.</p>

20

<p>Wow! First, thank you all for your thoughtful responses. What a fantastic forum and supportive group. The issues and comments are consistent with our thoughts as well (both sides of the argument). </p>

<p>I know my response is long (probably the longest ever), but I want to address many of the excellent points you raised (and this is somewhat of a catharsis for me writing this down).</p>

<ol>
<li><p>The school he currently attends is a junior boarding school. Most of his friends are boarders and, of course, they continue on to boarding school. Having been exposed to this environment has made him want to pursue boarding as well. Even before Chinese became a constraint, he was enamored with boarding. In fact, we have already discussed the idea of having him board all or part of ninth grade to prove to us he can manage himself. (We’re thinking January 2009 after the applications are in.) We are considering any school that offers Chinese, but none in our area do so, which is why boarding seems to be the only option.</p></li>
<li><p>If he remained at his current school, there are plenty of electives and honors classes to challenge him. I do not believe he’s underachieving or bored at school, but he is a procrastinator. Also, he is very much a visual/hands-on learner, but in class it’s mostly talk, talk, talk. (He doesn’t want to listen or discuss, he wants to “do”.) In his opinion, there’s “too much busy work.” That’s his view of homework too, which he does begrudgingly, but thoroughly.</p></li>
<li><p>I believe he loves Chinese because his best friend since first grade is Chinese (and he’s a natural at it). He’s fascinated with the culture and history, and he’s very good at learning languages. He’s fluent in Spanish and knows more than a little Korean.</p></li>
<li><p>He’s athletic and competitive, just very small, so he has a difficult time competing in physical team sports. He’s especially quick and agile. As an example, he’s a very good wrestler because most opponents around his weight (when there are any) are a couple of years younger. We’ve always thought he would be an excellent crew coxswain.</p></li>
<li><p>He is shy, but his self-confidence is an issue mostly in a physical way. He has been bullied in the past, which likely contributes to his peer issues. Although he is shy, he’s well known at school…in a positive way. Teachers love him because he does not cause trouble and appears to work hard. It does take him several months to become acclimated to new situations. He’s often intimidated around “jocks” his age or older (until he gets to know them). He has a small group of close friends and relates extremely well to younger (4th-6th grade) kids. He has held several leadership positions in Boy Scouts, so leadership (especially of the younger scouts) is not a totally foreign concept. Interestingly, he switched from an unstructured troop where he progressed slowly to a very structured one and should earn his Eagle next year. For this reason, at his current maturity level, we think he would benefit from a more structured, supportive boarding environment.</p></li>
<li><p>The benefits of repeating at his current school (other than just waiting to mature and “test driving” boarding) include the likelihood of leadership opportunities as a school proctor and team captain, which he would not have at a new school.</p></li>
<li><p>We have been trying to give him more freedom and responsibility for over a year, but it hasn’t worked…yet anyway. As I mentioned before, he works hard, but the motivation and initiative to do homework is not there. He just wants to play, relax, or whatever interests him. He’s participating in a short exchange program to Taiwan next Spring (that should be interesting given that he won’t eat anything), so there’s another opportunity to grow.</p></li>
<li><p>We’re familiar with boarding schools…of 25 years ago. My husband was a four year boarder at Deerfield and I went to Hotchkiss. Things do not seem to change too quickly at these schools (although there now girls, again, at Deerfield), but our son is so different from us that we just don’t know if it’s right for him. Wherever he ends up, we would want him to attend for four years. We believe the continuity will help him socially.</p></li>
<li><p>We are not down on him, but we also recognize that he’s not as mature as his peers. We know it’s developmental, but we obviously do not know when he’ll change either. I myself was a “late bloomer”, but it’s different for (small) girls. </p></li>
<li><p>We’d prefer he consider schools within 2 hours from our home, so that we may occasionally watch him in sports (and visit). Schools outside New England are in leagues with other schools outside NE as well, so travelling to see him play would be much more difficult.</p></li>
<li><p>We have visited all 19 boarding schools that offer Chinese and there were five that he loved. We did not interject comments or share our opinion with any of the schools until he told us what he thought them first. His choices, which is made up of primarily competitive schools (and this concerns us), are Deerfield, Hotchkiss, NMH, St. Paul’s, and Taft. I should note that academically, competition does not bother him. He has always risen to the top as the competition increases (although he doesn’t show his competitiveness and appears more nonchalant).</p></li>
</ol>

<p>In summary, we know he’ll get into a few of these schools. Our concern is staying there and succeeding academically and socially. Obviously, we don’t want to set him up for failure. We plan to give him another year in his current school and hope he begins to mature. There are no day school options for him nearby that offer Chinese.</p>

<p>Thank you again for your input. Any insight as to which, if any, of the schools on his current list provide the supportive environment he would need (at least initially) would be great. I doubt his school choices will change next year as he does not want to attend schools too large or too small (500-700 feels right to him) and he prefers a more bucolic setting with a well defined campus.</p>

<p>(My son found me typing this response and wants me to “correct” my original post. On his SSATs, he had a 98 verbal, 99 reading, 99 quantitative, and 99 overall. He was bothered that he did not have all 99s, which is why he said he will review vocabulary before the next test.)</p>