<p>My son just left to return to his [what I thought was] relatively conservative college campus after spending Spring Break at home with some of his new buddies. </p>
<p>While here, I had a chance to talk to him and them about life on campus. </p>
<p>I'm no prude, and sowed an oat or two in college in my day, but I was stunned by the stories I heard about sex on their campus. From freely distributed [and used] condoms to "sexile" agreements between roommates to trysts in the dorm shower, today's campus makes what I thought were the pretty libertine days of the '70s seem like the Victorian era.</p>
<p>My next child - a very attractive daughter - is off to college next year. Is this the norm I need to prepare her for or is this an anomaly?</p>
<p>Stunned Dad
I'm a student from Asia and I've applied to some universities/colleges in the US and from what you said, the college sounds pretty American Pie - ish and that doesn't bode well for anyone.</p>
<p>Regardless of whether this is an anomaly for US colleges or a norm, and regardless of whether what you heard were true or gossip, I'm pretty much sure that situations like these arise in every college, large or small, private or public. That's because every college community has a wide variety of students from diverse backgrounds. Bad seeds are bound to be amongst the masses.</p>
<p>So maybe you should prepare your daughter for the worst just in case. I'm sure my mom's gonna give me the 'talk' before I leave. Meanwhile, you should definitely post your concern on an existing busy Forum and I'm sure a more qualified US college student or parent will reply (even if your post is off topic)</p>
<p>you should certainly talk about it, but how much of it she will be exposed to (and have to deal with) depends on the types of people she hangs out with. i haven't heard much or had to deal with it so far, but i'm also not the extremely social lets-go-party-everyday type of person.</p>
<p>so yes, she'll know about it, but whether it will be a direct influence on her life is pretty much up to her.</p>
<p>I think it really depends in part on the college. When D and I were touring colleges, we made sure to ask whether the dorms were co-ed by floor, room, wing, etc. Some colleges had boys and girls sharing the same bathroom, which my D was kind of uncomfortable with. </p>
<p>But sure, sex is everywhere, and condoms are a good thing. I think all you can do is talk to your child and hope that the things you've taught them so far will go with them to college. I recall during my college days that there were trysts in the showers, but in the sneaky, 'I'm a wild thing breaking the rules' kind of way. Not in the 'HEY EVERYONE, I'm having sex in the shower and we'll be putting the pictures up on facebook in an hour' kind of way.</p>
<p>I think a lot of the things that we did kind of 'on the sly' are being done a lot more in the open. I do recall my own dad being stunned when HE found out that we were allowed to have men overnight in our rooms (I went to a women's college).</p>
<p>It's definitely all there. Luckily, me and my roommate haven't had to have any sort of talk, except for the time his OOS gf came down. We might have to talk again soon though since he broke up with her last week. Everyone else that I know, however, has had this discussion, whether it's a guy or a girl.</p>
<p>I'd be more worried about other stuff though (i.e. transitioning to college, drinking/partying, etc.) Colleges now profess safe sex more often than not, but that's because they realize that people are going to do it no matter what, so it's best to prevent pregnancy, STD's, etc.</p>
<p>Diegodad, until now you've been preparing your daughter to make good decisions about values and behavior. Now I'd prepare her to deal with people whose values are different from hers and whose behavior she's not comfortable with -- whether that's sexual behavior, religious behavior, drug- and alcohol-related behavior, academic behavior, etc. She'll want to be able to coexist with an awful lot of things that don't affect her, but she'll also want to be able to be assertive when things do affect her and she'll want to be able to stick to her guns about things that matter to her, whatever those are.</p>
<p>The truth is that the people who are out there doing wild things are easier to notice than the ones who aren't, but there are going to be some of each category at any school. To some extent her exposure is going to be determined by her roommate(s) in the dorm and the other people taking classes with her (and that means that even if there is only a handful of people behaving this way on her campus she may end up too close to them for her comfort or yours), but if she lands with (or can switch to -- and while the dorm staff would rather have her try to find a way to live with a challenging roommate, if the situation is something she can't live with she should go to her RA and assertively push for a different solution) a housing situation that works for her, her exposure is going to be determined to a very great extent by the choices she makes for herself.</p>
<p>If your son spent spring break with friends in or near his parents' home, I suspect that either you live in an area where college students' sexual exuberance is on display around this time every year :) or that you've instilled somewhat conservative values in him and that you've probably instilled some similar values in his sister. It sounds like he's expressed those values in part by making friends with other young men who don't feel the need to spend spring break in an alcohol- and sex-filled environment. I'm sure that if you spend the time between now and when your daughter leaves for college working on how she can intelligently and successfully live those values in a pluralistic world the way her brother can, she'll be fine.</p>
<p>Not sure which 70's you grew up in but my parents and their peers grew up in a time that was even more liberal sexually. I can't say for sure but I'm guessing more conservative and rural areas have gotten looser since the 70s, but not other areas.</p>
<p>While sex is definitely a part of college life, I don't really think its much of an issue. Its the first time we're away from our parents while being legal adults, so of course sex is going to happen. I'm in my first year of college, and while I've definitely heard stories from friends, I've never been in an awkward situation. If your daughter was brought up to think responsibly about sex, I don't think you have much to worry about. She won't have sex simply because she hears about other people doing it. I'd like to think that at this point peer pressure isn't as much of an issue as in high school. </p>
<p>I always hear about the roommate thing...you know, people being kicked out of their room while their roommate has sex...but I think that in general, its important to establish these guidelines at the beginning of the year. I've never had an issue, but if something like that happened to me, I wouldn't take it...if a room is being shared by two people, nothing should be happening in the room to make someone the roommate feel uncomfortable, and no one should ever be kicked out of their room.. </p>
<p>And also, handing out condoms is definitely a good thing. It doesn't necessarily condone sexual activity, it is simply allowing those who are engaging in sex to protect themselves.</p>
<p>Schools do pass out free condoms which I think there is nothing wrong with that. There is a lot of sex and students having sex. What is there to be expected? But its not like anyone will force your children to do it.</p>
<p>Hormones and alcohol, my man. Not really sure what else needs to be said. Although if you wouldn't mind, I'm really curious as to what "sowing an oat or two" actually entails. Is that a position? Technique? A curious euphemism for copulation?</p>
<p>
[quote]
Although if you wouldn't mind, I'm really curious as to what "sowing an oat or two" actually entails. Is that a position? Technique? A curious euphemism for copulation?
<p>I go to a top-ranked school, and everything you mentioned happens here -- even though many would regard us as "nerdy." Unless you're sending your kid to a very religious school, you and they should probably expect that there will be a lot of sexual stuff going on. It's college, and even smart or conservative kids have hormones! Some schools may be worse than others -- I thankfully have never been sexiled -- but even at nerdier or more prude-ish schools, sexuality is going to play a prominent role.</p>
<p>One thing to add - I think condom distribution is just a reflection of the issues of modern society (HIV) rather than more sex. I really don't think people are having substantially more sex (hehe, sorry) than they were in the 70s. I think the presence of condoms merely reflects the fact that people (especially young people) are more aware of the risks and more saavy about protecting themselves from the kind of threats that simply weren't an issue 40 years ago.</p>
<p>There are good and bad things happening everywhere. Most people just happen to notice the bad things more (I doubt your son mentioned people he saw studying and doing other good things). If you are worried about your daughter, just talk with her and offer to put her on birth control. Sex happens, just make sure she is safe and prepared for the possible consequences.</p>
<p>Condom distribution and roommate agreements about sex don't mean it's an American Pie atmosphere, so much as people just are more comfortable with talking about sex. All the roommates I know have agreements, but practically no one has been sexiled.</p>
<p>How attractive were the people having shower sex? I'm going to need at least their Facebook profiles before I can decide whether or not such an incident, as described, was truly "Sexy."</p>
<p>I would like to share an away message I saw this week, from someone who returned from a tropical location for spring break:</p>
<p>Girl: I'm gonna f*** this guy, and you're (girl2) gonna f*** that guy, because this is spring break and we're supposed to f*** people we don't know.</p>
<p>These people are at every school... depends on who you hang out with.</p>
<p>As far as passing out condoms... that is a good thing.</p>
<p>lol...seriously, this is a growing concern in U.S. colleges today. A kid who lives across from me does it with his gf at least once a month over the weekends. I have to wake up 5 in the morning and have to endure listening to all the erotic noises and it's been driving me mad. My RA's explanation: "we can't tell these people not to have their sex. All we can ask of them is to keep the volume lower."</p>