<p>A lot of great insight and sound advice offered - thanks SO much to everyone who replied, it’s much appreciated! </p>
<p>D has been working to bring her grades back up, finals are a month away and her grades have been improving. One of the “D” classes is Statistics and she simply stopped going for 2 weeks because she “was lost”. Hello?? She called up crying about a month ago and confessed. I told her to go see her professor immediately and seek tutoring - which she did, but she already knew this stuff! She knows what to do! It’s like she’s a FRESHMAN (lost) instead of it being her 2nd year at it. She’s got a good cumulative GPA and has never been on “sco pro” (yet). I think we let her out of the shoot too early as far as living off campus goes - she should have stayed in the dorms a second year to further mature. But it’s too late for that now. </p>
<p>She has been told that if she sits on her butt and brings home a bunch of dummy grades she can expect to get a student loan for the spring semester. Prove that she wants to stay in college. If she has to get a loan and gets back on track, we’ll go back to picking up the tab. She IS bringing her grades back up - yea!</p>
<p>We had a surprise visitor yesterday - just as I was getting ready to reply here. Yes, D showed up at the front door around 1:30pm! She came into town “this morning” saw BF and came over to “surprise us”! Yea, uh huh. She’s never “surprised” us before. She said she did not spend the night, not sure I believe her, but I realize (after reading some of the replies here) that it doesn’t really matter in the end.</p>
<p>Have I mentioned that she’s an only child? Yes, she was/is spoiled but a great kid for the most part. We DO and have backed off dissing the BF, though, sometimes we do slip and mouth off. I know all about reverse psychology. It’s a thin line - don’t want to push her TO him. Don’t want her to think we approve of him either. My husband is very old-fashioned in his thinking. He came unglued when, you know, it was obvious that she was sexually active a few years back. That’s his little girl. So giving her “permission” to sleep over at her BF’s is out of the question. I suppose the answer is we/I could become an ostrich or play “don’t ask, don’t tell”. I’ve shielded him from a LOTTTTTT of stuff throughout the years and in doing so, shielded D and myself as well, lol. Am I resentful? -some yes. At times I wonder if I did the right thing in shielding, but it is what it is I guess. </p>
<p>Ah well. Life is good Thanks again everyone.</p>
<p>I’ll admit I’m skeptical about this thread, it sounds virtually identical to another thread from a few months ago - Daughter a few hours away, seeing a younger boy in her hometown that her parents don’t approve of, not checking in with mom when she’s in town. Dad clueless about daughters sexual activity. Parents have a sit down, grades go up and the daughter starts checking in. Maybe a coincidence, maybe not.</p>
<p>Well assuming this is a different case: To the OP, this obviously is about the boyfriend and has nothing to do with your daughter’s grades. You spent seven paragraphs talking about the boyfriend and how “disrespected” you are because your daughter doesn’t check in or stay with you when she’s within your geographic orbit. It was only in the last sentence of the last full paragraph that you mentioned her schoolwork. If you don’t like the boyfriend fine. If you want to pull your financial support because she’s seeing him, fine. Just don’t be surprised if you never hear from her again. It’s really hard to see who the adult is in this situation.</p>
<p>Hmm. The last post from the OP was nice and hopeful. As mentioned, we don’t know how real this is- in fact, from how it was first written, from the get-go I thought maybe the daughter wrote it, to feel out parent reaction here.</p>
<p>On CC, many parents pay the full costs of college and send generous allowances. Not many- I can’t think of one, off the bat- have publicly called their child," A lying, disrespectful, unappreciative daughter." wow.</p>
<p>Some family dynamics. Best of luck. Really. There is a lot more to examine than mid-semester grades or an “unsuitable” bf.</p>
<p>My friend had this same issue when we were in college. She was an only child and her parents would freak out if they found out she had spent the night with her bf at his college or if they found out that the bf had come to visit her and stayed in her room. </p>
<p>All that happened was that my friend lied to her parents a lot. Their frustration did nothing to modify her behavior. She was over 18, she felt like (and I agreed with her frankly) that she was at the point in life where she controls her body and the decisions related to it. It’s not about receiving permission from the parents to do whatever. It’s about not needing that anymore. She felt bad about lying to her parents, but she loved her bf and she wanted to spend time with him, both at his school and at hers. That meant they had to spend nights in each others dorm rooms. And what they got up to there was their own business. </p>
<p>If you continue to tell your daughter she needs to sleep at home when she comes to see her boyfriend, she’s going to keep lying to you. She’s old enough to make her own decisions, and she’s clearly made this one. She knows you would not approve of her being with him, and she knows that telling you would only cause a lot of anger, drama, and resentment, so the simplest thing is for you not to know. If you want to see your daughter when she’s in town, if you want her to keep a close, healthy relationship with you, you’re going to have to stop trying to control what she does. Doesn’t mean you have to approve. You can certainly say “I don’t want you sharing a bedroom under this roof”, that’s your right.</p>
<p>Essentially, you and your husband have to cross the bridge from treating your child like a child to treating her more like an adult. I know that she’ll always be your little girl in your minds, but in your actions you have to start accepting that she will be making certain decisions whether you like them or not. You can try to bend her to your will, which will fail and lead to estrangement. Or you can say, as long as she’s not in physical danger, I accept that certain choices she has the right to make for herself.</p>
<p>Parents have to be careful about what demands they make on adult-aged kids. As I mentioned before, you can create your own liars by asking questions (or having expectations) that are none of your business.</p>
<p>Imagine if you were in college and your parents were paying. Imagine that they were staunch Republicans or staunch Democrats, and you had joined the opposite party. If you thought that your parents might withdraw financial support, you’d probably lie about your party affiliation. </p>
<p>The issue is that your party affiliation is none of your parents’ business, so shouldn’t have anything to do with them paying (or not paying ) for college.</p>
<p>“Don’t ask, don’t tell” is the perfect approach in this situation, and I daresay the one that applies to most college students and parents when it comes to the students’ sex lives. It worked for me when I was in college and involved with the man whom I later married. We even “secretly” traveled in Europe together one summer, concocting an elaborate cover tale that I doubt my parents believed for a second–but they didn’t ask, we didn’t tell, and all was well.</p>
<p>You can cut her off financially, but to be perfectly honest, that is all you can do.</p>
<p>Your daughter is 20 years old and she is, indeed, an adult. As much as you would like to deny it and protect her from a bad boyfriend, you can’t. One must learn through experience. As a parent, you know that, I am sure. It’s natural to be upset that your daughter is not coming home to you when she is in town, but she is a young woman. It’s natural for her to want to be with her boyfriend instead of her parents. She was
only let loose two years ago. She’s still enjoying her government-granted “freedom” of adulthood.</p>
<p>Let her learn from her mistakes and cut her off financially, if you must. When things do not work out for her, you can smugly give her the class: “I told you so.”</p>
Thanks again everyone.</p>