<p>Ok here is the situation and I desperately need help. My daughter started as a freshman in September at a college 2 hours away. We are very close and have always had a great relationship. She was scared but also excited about starting school. The problem is she has a serious boyfriend who is still a senior in high school and he is preventing her from settling into school. She has been "coming home" some on weekends but she sleeps at his house. When I got really mad once about this, the next time she went to his house for the weekend without telling me. Now she spends about every other weekend at school but it is still a problem. I dont se how she can settle in when she is road tripping every other weekend and when she is at school on the weekend her boyfriend visits. So, the last time she came home we had a HUGE fight. This is so sad for me as a mom as I love her and miss her so much and its terrible when I get to see her Im mad at her and we fight. And its not stopping her from sleeping at her boyfriends house anyway. How do I get this to stop and how do I make sure Thanksgiving break is nice with her and she spends time with our family ? HELP!!!!</p>
<p>Is your D coming home a lot to escape misery at college? Or is she simply coming home to see BF? </p>
<p>If she’s generally happy at college, but just likes seeing the BF on weekends, why make her stop? </p>
<p>If she’s miserable at college and the BF is all that’s keeping her sane, why would you want to stop that? Forcing to her to see less of the BF and face the misery sounds like a recipe for disaster. </p>
<p>Don’t misunderstand me. If my D was spending her weekends like this I wouldn’t be happy either. However, at this age I’d have to tell myself it’s her life. And, as long as her grades or emotional health aren’t suffering, I’d butt out.</p>
<p>I had a situation with my oldest having the boyfriend back home…she didn’t come home a lot to see him the way your daughter is doing, but it did put a damper on her getting acclimated for the first 6 mos of her freshman year…that is the time it took for her to break up with him. I understand your concerns completely , but I will be willing to bet that things will run their course and the " Turkey Drop " will be coming.</p>
<p>“How do I get this to stop and how do I make sure Thanksgiving break is nice with her and she spends time with our family ? HELP!!!”</p>
<p>It’s understandable that you want her to allow herself the time to get adjusted to school, and you also would like her to spend holiday time with your family. Still, you need to back off. All that your entreaties are doing are making her angry and building a wall between her and you. Let go with love and likely she’ll eventually give you the time you want. She also may have to learn the hard way how boyfriend time is keeping her from making friends, etc. at college.</p>
<p>She is generally happy there. She complains about dorm noise, the food, silly stuff like that but generally she seems to be happy. And she is doing well in her classes. It just seems so wrong to me for her to be doing this. But you are probably right that I should just butt out. Except it is very hurtful to me when she comes “home” but sleeps at his house. His parents are “anything goes” (drinking, sleeping over, coming and going without telling anyone, etc) and essentially its like being in a dorm whereas our family home is very different. The family is around all weekend and do things together and like everyone to be engaged, not treating the house like a dorm. Maybe thats why she stays there. But I dont want her to do that when she is home on break. I miss her and want her to be with our family and sleeping in her bed.</p>
<p>All you can do is to set house rules for when she comes home. Don’t mention the boyfriend.
Don’t discuss her relationship with him. Ignore it. Soon enough, things will begin to spin out of control and she will be forced to face the reality of the relationship. The more you talk against the relationship, the more she is going to defy you and try to make it work (just to spite you).</p>
<p>Let the relationship run its course. There’s are very strong likelihood that it won’t last much longer.</p>
<p>and I cannot imagine the turkey drop, these two are ridiculously serious. Its been a little over year they have been together and are totally obssessed with each other…I think its unhealthy</p>
<p>wow all of your replies are so incredibly helpful!! Have I done too much damage already though to repair this? I love her so so much and dont want to fight with her anymore!! How do I move forward and repair this?</p>
<p>I would tell you to tell her what you told us. That you dearly miss seeing and spending time with her. </p>
<p>The good news is that Thanksgiving weekend (freshman year) is the biggest breakup weekend for high school sweethearts. So maybe you’ll get lucky. </p>
<p>My question for you is … how is she getting home from college when she visits her boyfriend. Car? Bus?</p>
<p>“His parents are “anything goes” (drinking, sleeping over, coming and going without telling anyone, etc) and essentially its like being in a dorm whereas our family home is very different.”</p>
<p>Still, she is grown now, and I think it’s unrealistic to expect her to behave at home now like she did when she was in high school. I think that acknowledging to her that she has grown up and used to being mainly on her own at school, and then expressing your wish that since you and the rest of the family love her, you would like her to spend some time with the family over Thanksgiving, will help you both work out some kind of solution that will meet at least part of both of your needs.</p>
<p>Be willing to get less than what you want, and accept gracefully and appreciatively whatever compromise you work out.</p>
<p>It’s going to be very difficult to get her to stop, she’s an adult now and unless you’re going to yank your monetary support over this (not something I would recommend), you’re going to have to accept that she may make choices that you don’t agree with. </p>
<p>It’s reasonable for you to ask her to spend time with the family if she’s going to be home, but unless you can talk to his parents and get them to disallow it, or unless you can get her to listen to you, you probably won’t be able to affect where she sleeps. Instead of focusing on that, plan fun things for the family to do when she comes home and include her bf. Invite him to have dinner with your family. Find ways to include him so that your D doesn’t have to choose between her relationship and spending time with her family. </p>
<p>ONe of the hardest things for parents to deal with, I think, is the way that their kids change when they go to college. For parents, kids kind of freeze in place while they’re away and there’s an expectation that when they come home they’ll behave and to some extent be treated as they did before they left for school. You see them as the same person that they were when you helped them move into their dorm. But every day they are changing and growing in a myriad of ways that you haven’t seen. They are becoming more independent, making more choices for themselves, and getting used to not asking or needing permission to do things. They are a different person, but parents are sometimes slow to cotton on to that. It causes friction And it’s totally normal. Take a deep breath, and try to be patient with each other.</p>
<p>If she is doing well in her classes, you should stay out of her social life and her love life. You certainly can set expectation for the behavior at your home, but if your expectations are unreasonable (participate in ALL family activities, no visits with BF, etc.), you should be ready for her not coming home when she is in town.</p>
<p>I think you can repair things by having a talk with her. Apologize, tell her that you realized that your demands were unreasonable. Tell her that it is her life, and she can live it the way she wants. You can still tell her that you think it would be good for her to spend some time with her college friends, and invest some energy in building new relationships in college. But don’t try to get between her and the BF - it will only make things worse. If you want her to spend more time with your family when she is in town, invite the BF over as well. And give them some space, don’t insist that they participate in everything you do.</p>
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<p>Basically, you want to monopolize her time, she knows it, she wants to spend much of the time with the boyfriend and that is why she is spending her time away from the home when she comes into town for the weekend. </p>
<p>When our D who went away to college came home for the holidays, she spent a whole lot of her time reconnecting with friends she hadn’t seen since summer. She was sensitive enough to ask us if this was all right with us. We said, sure it is all right IF you plan on spending some time with your family. </p>
<p>So she would schedule in family activities–dinner on Tuesday, shopping on Thursday, etc. and spend the rest of the time with friends.</p>
<p>I think things could get better if you suggest a planned family contact like dinner which would only take a discrete amount of time (2 hours for example) when she comes on the weekends. You’ll get to see her and have your family time. Maybe if she could see that you aren’t trying to suck up all of her free time, she’ll feel more comfortable visiting home.</p>
<p>Of course, then there will come the “discussons” about when you feel she should be home for the night (“curfew”) and other house rules, which she is avoiding now by staying at the BF’s. But we’ve had other threads that have discussed that question.</p>
<p>It makes sense to take a longer view, too. Sure, this isn’t what you imagined for your daughter when she went to college. I would be unhappy in your shoes, too. Except you daughter doesn’t seem to be unhappy, or to feel like she’s missing something important. </p>
<p>Maybe they will break up – most high school couples do. If that happens, she will have plenty of time to make new friends, and to focus on her college life. The beginning of freshman year is very artificial, anyway – in my experience, and in that of my children, there was a huge repositioning toward the end of freshman year / beginning of sophomore year, as people discard the friends-of-convenience they made during the first few weeks and spend more time with people with whom they are actually compatible.</p>
<p>Maybe they WON’T break up. The last thing you want is to poison your relationship with someone who will be around for a long time, and who will definitively replace you as the most important person in your daughter’s life. You never really know when the wheel will stop spinning, and it behooves you to exercise a little care and diplomacy on the off chance that this relationship is going to be around for a long time. </p>
<p>One of my son’s best friends started dating a high school sophomore when she was a senior. Everyone expected it to end when she went to college 500 miles away. It didn’t. He is now in college, and they’re still 500 miles apart, and they see each other probably twice a month. She has done wonderfully well in college, taken time abroad (in the bf’s native country, natch, but without him), made friends. It’s not like her parents are happy about the situation (or his either, probably). It’s not the best possible scenario as far as anyone is concerned, but it beats the heck out of LOTS of the alternatives. And by not forcing the issue the parents on both sides have remained on good terms with what has to be regarded now as a potential son/daughter-in-law.</p>
<p>The worst thing you can do is make it us-vs.-him. There are only two possibilities there. One, you lose. Two, you win, and you are deeply, deeply resented for that, so you lose.</p>
<p>How old is she? How old is the boyfriend?</p>
<p>she takes the bus home and he drives her back on sunday.</p>
<p>they are both 18</p>
<p>It’s never too late! The good thing is she’s doing well in school. You’re obviously not going to get her away from him (and I’m not sure you have reason to), but you can arrange to spend time with both of them when she’s in town. Perhaps plan a weekend activity that would include your D and her bf such as a dinner, movie, game night, etc. This will also give you a chance to get to know him better. You can then schedule an activity for just the two of you like shopping or a manicure. Once she see’s that you are accepting of their relationship she may be much more comfortable coming home and spending time at your house. This doesn’t mean you have to change house rules to anything goes, but just include bf in some of your family activities. </p>
<p>Freshman year is a time filled with transitions and some are smoother than others. It can be hard to stand by and let our kids assert their emerging independence. We as parents have the benefit of experience and can see pitfalls that our kids often cannot. We can guide them, but in the end they must find their own way. Mutual respect for each other’s feelings is key to preserving relationships. You were close before, you can be again.</p>
<p>Very good advice from JHS. I think you have to back way off from conflict with your D. She is trying to spread her wings and fly away from the nest, not in the best way, but that is the way she has chosen. She is making these choices to help break away from your family structure and to differentiate herself from her family. </p>
<p>Sadly, it isn’t ever the same again once kids leave for college and go through this sort of stretching. Try to be pleasant and nonconfrontational and take the long view, as JHS suggests. Invite D and BF to your holiday events and family times, keep things welcoming and open and pleasant at your house. Focus on the rest of your family and your own celebration of the holidays, and try not to let what your D does influence your mood too much. </p>
<p>I know this is hard–I went through all this with my D. She has been a real pill sometimes on vacations home. She is 24 now and in grad school, and it’s much better now (but now she only comes home about twice a year).</p>
<p>I would not push any more. There is no upside in that. Unless you cut off money so she cannot take the bus or cut it off for other things, it will not change. She just won’t tell you. As others said, worst case you have poisoned a relationship with someone who MAY be around a long time. My sister has been married to her high school sweetheart for over 27 years. When we laid down rules for S2, he moved out completely and SO’s parents took him in. He was 21. They are married now and we are on pretty good terms, but he still stays with them when he is back in town. </p>
<p>When you can talk to her calmly 
apologize for blowing up and just let her know that you miss her and would like some time together. For Thanksgiving try to agree on a compromise of time with the family, time she can be with their family, and time uncommitted. Maybe some time shopping together? We now try not to make too many demands on the kids when they are home. It makes for a much more adult relationship. Think about it, you would never do that to a co-worker or adult friend.</p>