<p>My daughter will be a freshman at an out of state, private college in the fall. This school was her first choice and she applied and was accepted ED. She has been dating this boy who is currently a freshman at our state college for almost two years. We have found out that he applied to the same school to transfer. This is causing a lot of grief in our house as my husband thinks that the boy lacks direction, ambition, and drive. We are afraid that his being at the same school as her will limit her willingness to go to social events, make different friends, and take advantage of opportunties. The boy comes home every weekend to be with her and really has nothing else going on in his life. He tends to be a bit of a leech and whenever we go some place he comes and we wind up paying for him. I know he is embarassed by his family's financial situation as his parents are divorced and his mom doesn't and hasn't worked. Everything she has comes from alimony, her parents, or gifts from her boyfriend.I believe that as long as we are clear that we will not be sending any money towards an apartment, travel costs for him to get to and from college, and that we will not be with him when we go and visit, then this isn't our issue and they will either make it work or they will break up. My husband as threatened not to pay tuition for her school if he follows. I tell my husband that we have no say in whether or not he goes to the school but we can only keep our expectations clear. We are at a stalemate. Advice?</p>
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And what do you think, other than that his social class status is an issue?</p>
<p>Has he been accepted as a transfer student yet? Does the school meet full need? If not, his financial situation may preclude him from attending anyway. You may be worrying for nothing. And of course your husband cannot possibly be serious with his threat which only hurts your daughter over an issue that is out of her control. You need to be confident that your daughter is mature enough to make good decisions and make the most of her time at college. If the young man truly is a leech, she will be able to discern that trait in him when observed in a new environment if he does indeed transfer.</p>
<p>Your husband reallly doesn’t want to fight and die on that particular hill. He will not win. Just as you said, set out calmly and politely what you will do, regardless of the boyfriend, and stick with it. If your daughter’s grades suffer, then take whatever appropriate action you choose, but leave the boyfriend out of it. You should only parent your own child. If they are meant to be together, they will be. If they aren’t, it’s their decision and you can only alienate your daughter by overreaching. Besides, as long as the boy is in school and moving toward a degree, that is really quite a lot.</p>
<p>Your husband is being completely irrational… You’re right, he has no say in this young man’s decision, and to keep your daughter from enrolling at her first choice, because of something HE’S doing, is just ridiculous. </p>
<p>This guy doesn’t sound that bad… First of all, he’s in college, which is a definite plus – I don’t know about there, but here, about half of the high school students drop out before graduation. And if he gets admitted to her first choice, that makes him every bit as good as her, so I’d try to refrain from snobbery, ahah. He obviously cares for her; the fact that he’s ready to pick up and move across the country demonstrates that. If he comes home to be with her every weekend, maybe he wants to… 1.) Get away from the stress of college. And 2.) Spend time with your daughter, who he cares about. I don’t think this shows a lack of direction at all… </p>
<p>Also, think about it – if he’s about to go to her first choice with her, and your husband doesn’t let her go, do you know where she’ll end up? Likely at this public school, with him. Your husband is trying to control the actions of someone he has no right to control… And in doing so, could not only make your daughter hate him, but harm her future.</p>
<p>Two small anecdotes. My D’s best friend had a similar boyfriend. Much less financially secure family, not the most ambitious guy. Followed girlfriend to college, entered her major by default, followed in her footsteps all through college, which annoyed her parents greatly. They graduated from college in 2010 with degrees in accounting, she got a job with one of the big CPA firms in NYC, he got a job at a smaller firm at less money but still a very respectable salary. Both recently passed their last CPA exams and, while he didn’t do the ta da internships, he chose to work at the same place as all through high school and managed to put aside $50,000 toward a downpayment on a house because he never did exciting things, but was always a frugal homebody. She is a super go-getter but the boy is a respectable, educated, loyal and hardworking man now. Nothing wrong with that and they will never be in competition.</p>
<p>Second, my father had the same issues with my husband. It ended up a huge power struggle, banning my husband from his house, all sorts of nonsense. Ultimately, my father was he loser when we got married because he was not invited to the wedding and we were estranged for years. Since it was just a matter of differing expectations it was not worth it for my dad.</p>
<p>It sounds like this young man will need FA to go your D’s school. As a transfer student, it maybe difficult.</p>
<p>For whatever reason, you and your H do not like the BF. If your dislike of him is legitemate, your daughter probably will come to similar conclusion as you at some point. As far as being a leech, I think it is pretty common for parents to pay for kid’s friends when they are visiting. </p>
<p>Young people break up all the time, without parents’ help. I would just have a conversation with your D about taking advantage of her college experience. If she is not going to listen to you, there isn’t much you could do about it. If it’s not the old BF, there will be other BFs or distractions. With her BF on campus, she may spend less time traveling back and forth to visit her BF.</p>
<p>Umm, his social status is NOT the issue. It is the fact that he lacks the drive to figure out a way to help pay for things. that he seems to cling to the D, and does not show initiative for other activities and interests.</p>
<p>OP, am living a different version of this with D2. In this case, the BF is sooo nice and sweet, and has plenty of moolah, but does not seem to have energy or fortitude. He has never had a job and he plans on not having one again his summer, but he is driving across country to live near us so he can be with D! YIKES! He hates his college, but it turns out that it is 20 min away from the one D will be attending in the Fall. Even she said she was not expecting that, and admits that he probably likes her more than she likes him, but that it is a good relationship.</p>
<p>H and I do think she could do better with a more energetic upbeat guy, for sure. At least he treats her with love and kindness, which is ultimately what counts. But I do hear you about wondering about next year in college- I can see this BF showing up to be with her every single weekend… That would be limiting socially, and also EC wise (she is a performer who needs to explore the singing, dance and acting opportunities that are so fabulous at this college, and she is also interested in journalistic EC’s). So we are a little concerned, TBH.</p>
<p>I am in the midst of trying to come up with a way to help this summer go smoothly in terms of her spending nights or with BF or sharing an apt with her best HS friend in next town, her getting something productive accomplished this summer.
D is quite burnt-out from HS and college apps and is a very independent soul, but I feel she needs to get her feet on the ground about being responsible- about money, setting goals, earning her way, saving money, gaining work experience, trying new things in the off-campus activity department…HELP! How can we make this work without killing each other/ruining our relationship!</p>
<p>Not much we can do about this, is there???</p>
<p>I am relying on writing out our negotiations, and hope we can come up with a mutually agreeable compromise that also works out well for her. This serious relationship stuff IS good in that it teaches a lot about all that, but there has to be a BALANCE, and that is one of the lessons (as is the type chosen to be a significant other…)</p>
<p>My daughter’s boyfriend followed her to college. H never disliked him, but never really thought he was “ambitious” enough for D. But, what can you do?</p>
<p>Within six months of his being on campus, he wanted to move in with her and she was trying to figure out how to break up with him as gently as possible.</p>
<p>If she hadn’t had to have him on campus complaining all the time that she was too busy and didn’t have enough time for him, she never would have figured out how incompatible they were. She still thinks he’s a good guy, wishes him the best, but can’t figure out what she saw in him, either.</p>
<p>I know what she saw. 
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<p>New boy is busy, ambitious, and really great, funny and nice and as intelligent as she is.</p>
<p>Try not to try to control it, too much. All H did, after consulting with me, was to say, “I think _______ is a nice enough guy.” </p>
<p>Which was the truth.</p>
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<p>I think you should reconsider this. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t expect some time with your D without him, but if you take her out to dinner, then there shouldn’t be a policy that he can’t go with you. Of course, you would pay for him. Alienating him (and perhaps her to boot) is not the way to go.</p>
<p>^^^^
Agree with Cartera.</p>
<p>I have been here and learned a lot during and after the experience. Suffice to say: </p>
<p>You have no control over this boy and his relationship with your D and if you try to strong arm either of them with threats, it WILL backfire.</p>
<p>It will take care of itself, one way or another.</p>
<p>One other thought after reading all of the posts about boyfriends that lack ambition…I wonder if the genders in this story were reversed, would anyone be concerned about a girlfriend who’s drive and ambition didn’t match her boyfriends? Just food for thought.</p>
<p>Parents cannot control the love-lives of their adult children. And the more we try, the more push-back we can expect.
Remind your DH that he doesn’t want to create a Romeo and Juliet situation. Unless the young man is engaging in illegal activities or not treating your daughter well, he needs to step way back and trust his daughter.</p>
<p>Hmm…This reminds me of my previous neighbor who prefers (or just a wishful thinking as a mother) that her D would not settle down with a boyfriend until he is a junior or senior. The reason she cited is that many college students may drop out from college (especially at her D’s state school) and she does not want her D’s bf is a college dropout. In this sense, a top private college is “better” because the graduation rate is much higher. (And the families which send their children there tend to be weathy and not dysfunctional.)</p>
<p>If only her D will listen to her mother’s advice!</p>
<p>I have learned from this thread that many parents prefer that their D’s bf has an ambition or at least have some direction. This is understandable. I wonder whether Ds themselves feel the same way. DS once told me (while he was in high school) that girls tend to like boys who look “mature”. So, the boys who have some experiences outside of the school (e.g., hold a part time job) are more attractive to the girls because they know a lot that girls may not know.</p>
<p>I think with his family is going through a divorce, he is probably a bit clingy. I feel sorry for this kid, I’d probably pay for his meals also.</p>
<p>My S also had intentions of following his GF to college (it was also our first choice for him) but she broke up with him before he was accepted. He still chose to attend and is very happy there.</p>
<p>If your husband’s goal is to push your daughter into this guy’s arms, then I think not paying her tuition is the way to go. It will make you two into the bad guys and estrange your daughter from you both. </p>
<p>I also question the idea that this young man lacks “direction, ambition, and drive.” If he can get into the same college your daughter is attending, then clearly he worked just as hard as she did. </p>
<p>Lastly, we pay for our son’s friends expenses when they are with us. I don’t consider them leeches, I consider them young people who have very little, if any, income. Why not treat?</p>
<p>^^^ Good point, EPTR about the gender reversal. Not a college issue , but we have a young man that works for us that we are close to. His girlfriend is a sort of lazy with no ambition. He was thinking about getting engaged and the reactions he got were not what he wanted to hear !</p>
<p>There was a brief time when my daughter and her high school bf wanted to go to her college because they just couldn’t stand to be apart. Truth was, he didn’t have the grades to even come close . We didn’t want that to happen either , so I understand your concern about it, but like the other posters , I have to agree to not make an issue of it. These things do have a way of working themselves out without parental intervention. </p>
<p>Maybe you could try a clam discussion with her and let her know that you want to have all of the experiences that her dream college has to offer , without feeling guilty because bf isn’t there…
We kept our feelings to ourselves because we knew the boy wouldn’t be able to go there…within 6 mos of her being there and him being here at local cc , they split up and she finally started getting more involved in things that she should have been doing all along !</p>
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The same happened to DS except that DS went OOS to a private college and his then-gf went to a flagship state university. I heard it was the girl who initiated the split up, likely because she has no faith in a long distance relationship. Their relation seems to be somewhat shaky to begin with (not dated for long and dated VERY infrequently because girl’s family is very protective.) Both did not have new bf/gf when they split. I could not understand why the young generation could be so rational and practical when they made this decision – maybe the chemistry was not there to begin with? If only all couples could break up in such a calm and peaceful way. I heard the break up session was just a talk between them, even with some of their mutual friends around. The girl basically hinted that she prefers to end the relation by not expressing any interests for the next date (but it was still OK to be “just friends”) and the DS knew right there and then the relation was over. And then they said goodby to each other and the email exchanges were reduced to once a month or two.</p>
<p>I just read your post again and there is nothing in the original post that says your daughter’s boyfriend will be attending the school only that he applied. I’m sorry that he is ashamed of his parents financial situation and even more sorry that you are aware of it. It sounds like you have a problem with his parents and their financial situation…the poor guy should run from this situation because he will never be good enough for your little girl.</p>
<p>To the Op: change your screen name; it is WAy too identifiable and you are revealing a ton of personal info on here…just a suggestion</p>