Is it OK for a freshman to choose a room before the roommate arrives?

Parents Forum
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<p>When I signed up for housing I had to document any disorders or health conditions I might have so that they could accommodate me, I would look into seeing if they can help him. That ought to have been done already, so know that for next year. </p>

<p>That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with picking a room when he gets there unless the college has a rule specifying otherwise (mine doesn’t)-- I doubt picking the SMALLER room would honestly be a problem anyway. If you guys are worried, I don’t think it would be a problem to email the roommate and explain the issue and ask him if that would be okay. I have severe food allergies and had to bring that up with my roommate, it’s always kind of frightening to do that because you don’t know if people will be considerate for you, but I have found that most people are willing to accommodate a health condition if it’s of no serious loss to them, which in this case it really isn’t. Unless roommate is a jerk he probably won’t mind if taking the other, larger room is all it takes. </p>

<p>I understand your son’s predicament. None of my doctors have been able to figure out why, but when I get woken up without getting at least 6 or so hours of sleep I end up vomiting the whole day-- so a consistent, decent sleep schedule is a must for me. Sometimes I just have to deal with getting sick, it’s not any fun but that’s college even when you’re not living with other people. He will have to find a way to deal with whatever hand he is dealt. And if he can’t, I have to wonder why you didn’t file with disabilities at school already. This is exactly the kind of thing they’re there for.</p>

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<p>“Your son should contact the roommate and try to work it out with him in advance.”</p>

<p>Couldn’t have said it better myself. Wait! Here’s a better one:</p>

<p>“Please, have him talk to the roommate directly.”</p>

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<p>Just my opinion -
I think dibs in a 2-bed dorm room shared by roommates just meeting each other works like this. </p>

<p>The first person who arrives (and she might get there a day or more before the second person) takes the bed she wants, and when the second arrives, she says either</p>

<p>1) I hope you don’t mind, I wanted the bed that was xxx. If you would like to, we can trade for second semester. </p>

<p>2) Either bed in here is fine with me. I set up on the one on the right side. Is that okay? If you prefer the right side, I really wouldn’t mind trading.</p>

<p>I lived in four dorms in six years at two schools. Dorm life agrees with me. ;)</p>

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<p>If you want your son to get off on the wrong foot with his roommate, then by all means get there early and take the clearly better room. </p>

<p>I mean, really, did you need to ask this question? How would you or your son feel if you show up early and found out the roommate showed up ten minutes earlier and already claimed the private room?</p>

<p>Not only should your son contact his roommate or wait until the roommate arrives to talk about it, I hope you have not shared your “arrive early” plan with your son as it’s not a good example to be setting for your kid.</p>

<p>I will admit that there are students/parents out there who show up and grab the best of everything. What they may not realize is how petty and immature it makes them look.</p>

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<p>By the way, as an adult with a sleep disorder, if my child had the same, they’d be living in a single. I don’t care what he would say about it. Starting college is stressful enough and add in a roommate? At a minimum, make sure he knows where/how to get to the mental health center on campus, keep a close eye on his moods and listen to your gut if he sounds like he is slipping.</p>

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<p>Friend of mine whose daughter is off to Williams had her roommate wend her a note on facebook to say she was afraid of heights and could not sleep on the top bunk. Hard to believe that anyone is that terrified about being five feet off the ground. Then again, she also sent her a note about things to bring, and while we are giving her the benefit of the doubt, we get the feeling that this young lady thinks anyone who lives west of the mason dixon is a bumpkin of huge proportions.</p>

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<p>I’m glad to hear that other parents think that grabbing the best room/stuff first is not the way to go. My D found out that her new roommate bragged on FB about getting to the room first to get the best bed, etc. NOT the best way to start out a new year with a new roomie.</p>

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<p>My D is also frightened of sleeping in the top bunk in her dorm. She is anxious by nature, and feels insecure that she might fall (there are no sides to the bed), and is especially uncomfortable climbing in and out. There’s no ladder, you’re just supposed to leap up on the lower bed footboard and then catapult over onto the bed. And reverse the process to get down. (Not that the bottom bunk is that great, since you can’t even sit fully upright on the bed.) She told her roommates about her discomfort in advance, and they agreed she could have the bottom bunk for at least the first semester. (Though one of those roommate dropped out the day before move-in and has been replaced–it’s hard to organize when the players keep changing.) Hopefully by the second semester they’ll be de-tripled. I think it’s time for colleges to stop accepting more students than they can comfortably house and dispense with forced triples and the resulting bunkbeds.</p>

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<p>Holy cow. Bunk beds used to be a part of growing up. Between camp, and visits with and from cousins in the summer, and my first two years of college, I probably spent 3+ years of my life sleeping in top bunks, and none the worse for it.</p>

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<p>I loved being on the top bunk when I was in college, but when I tried it out at a reunion I don’t know how I managed, the bunk beds are much higher than our ones at home and they have no ladders. You could absolutely sit upright on the bottom bunk.</p>

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<p>The unintended consequences of large homes where each child gets his/her own room is that they do not know how to live with another human in close quarters. </p>

<p>Single child syndrome comes of age.</p>

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<p>If I remember correctly, I thought everyone fills out a questionnaire discussing their sleep habits, accomodations needed, whether you are an early riser, neat, quiet etc.</p>

<p>The roomate is coming with an expectation that he is matched with someone who has has a similar/complementary lifestyle. IF roomate has a CPAP machine, things could be lovely. </p>

<p>Right now, I don’t think it is a matter of who moves in first or who gets what room. Unless both students are coming with a CPAP then I think the OP’s son owes it to roomate to discuss the situation and his needs before they get to school. To not do this before hand could lead to a really hellish first semester, days or weeks if someone wants to change the rooming arrangements.</p>

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<p>For whatever it’s worth, my husband uses the CPAP- (I call him Maverick- Top Gun)! He looks totally dorky (IMHO!) BUT the thing really works. It is NOT loud at all- I seriously don’t know that it is turned on.</p>

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<p>“If I remember correctly, I thought everyone fills out a questionnaire discussing their sleep habits, accomodations needed, whether you are an early riser, neat, quiet etc.”</p>

<p>Only at some schools. Mine asked me my smoking preference, that’s it. The only pairing they try to do is to keep people allergic to smoke with other people who are allergic, and smokers with other smokers.</p>

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<p>D1 was at our state’s governor school a few years back. She got in because of dance. Her roommate got in for graphic design. We showed up after the roommate. The roommate took the best of everything. D1 tried to over look it. Then she noticed that everything about the roommate was manly and black- army boots, pants, even deodorant was a manly brand (not Secret). Her mother told me that the daughter was trying to deal with the death of her father and that’s why she could be moody sometimes. I was sympathetic. I asked when her husband passed away. She told me it was 10 years ago! Needless to say we were more than reluctant to leave D1 behind, but we did. In the beginning our daughter would tell us how the roommate didn’t like light or people, the room would be pitched black when she came in sometimes. But over time,d1 started to tell me a few positive things about the roommate(she was actually cute when she stopped wearing army boots). At the end, D1 said they probably would never be best friends, but they actually started to talk at night before they went to sleep. </p>

<p>I think OP’s son situation probably would work out if he just lets him to deal with it. Kids sometimes have a better way of working out things than we do.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the advice. I agree with the suggestion to have my son contact the roommate now and explain the situation and ask if he would mind if my son took the smaller room. </p>

<p>Arriving early and taking what you want does not feel right to me – I wouldn’t like to be treated that way but I have a vague recollection that in fact I was. I was unclear on the norms people felt applied in this kind of situation. If they felt first-come first-served were the accepted norm, then I’d be more inclined to run counter to my gut instinct. It may be the norm in action, but I think people’s advice is to confront the issue in advance and I concur.</p>

<p>I appreciate the helpful and thoughtful advice. One note for those of us who post advice. Some of the undoubtedly well-meaning respondents made assumptions (often incorrect) and sometimes were a little strident in responding. I’m not thin-skinned and I’m not offended but it was interesting to see some of the incorrect assumptions. For example, this school just sent out notifications of roommates and dorm assignments a couple of days ago (and my son was camping and not in internet range until today), so it would have been hard to contact the roommate over the summer as someone had suggested. The school apparently keeps a number of singles in reserve, so it might not be too late to switch if that were the best course of action. He did explain his sleep disorder (as well as his allergies) in the housing questionnaire and highlighted the need for someone who would not be on a different a schedule and a few other things; he just didn’t ask for a single. That may be why he is in a two-room double. I’m not planning to do anything. It will be my son’s responsibility to contact his roommate. I’ve never been a mom. He typically wears earphones when listening to audiobooks, although he prefers not to when he is going to sleep (but, listening to audiobooks is not a disorder, just an obsession).</p>

<p>To the person who believes that his sleep disorders will go away as soon as he leaves home, I wish you were right. There are a bunch of people who have felt that things that weren’t visible weren’t real. Before he was diagnosed with sleep apnea, we had well-meaning friends tell us he was just depressed and that the depression was causing his exhaustion. Things are much better after the surgery, which was quite extensive – seven different procedures. He is a little heavier than I think is optimal but he’s not obese. What seems to have happened is that he always had low muscle tone and grew from 5’3" as a freshman to 6’4" as a senior, his airways were narrow, and the muscles just collapsed enough at night to block the breathing (this conclusion is my speculation).</p>

<p>The good news is that I don’t believe he is reticent to talk with kids or adults about his issues. He’s a really bright kid who is quite dyslexic and has become comfortable explaining his disability and was very effective advocating for himself in high school – he regularly had to confront teachers and administrators who didn’t believe that kids with learning disabilities could be very bright or that kids as bright has he should get accommodations even if they were written in his Individualized Education Plan. But, advocacy abilities aside, as someone wisely pointed out, I’m a little nervous because his confidence about his ability to manage the sleep disorder (rather than explain it) may be high (teenage boys do seem to have an extra helping or two of confidence).</p>

<p>So, the bulk of parents’ advice seems to be that he should contact his roommate, explain the situation and make his request. I’ll suggest to him that he start by following up someone’s comment and ensure that the configuration is not a bunkbed in the smaller room but rather two beds in two separate rooms (which is what he described after the admitted students shindig). If it is one bed per room, I’ll suggest he email his roommate and explain the situation and ask if having the smaller room would be a problem. If it is, then I’ll suggest that he consider asking for a single.</p>

<p>Thanks again for the advice.</p>

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<p>Won’t one person almost always arrive earlier because they are involved in a program that starts earlier so they come in on another day, or their flight lands much earlier than the other person’s flight? Last fall my daughter’s roommate did a 3-day drive to Texas and arrived a day earlier than my daughter, but even if the two girls had flown in on the same day, what are the odds that their flights would be nearly the same time? Roommate took the bed that she liked - thought she’d rather be close to the closet than the sink - but when daughter arrived asked daughter if it was okay, and it was. Move in dates at UT in Austin are over the course of at least five “regular” days but a lot of activities require arriving during the early move in dates, leading to, I think, nine possible days of move in.</p>

<p>This is way more contentious than I would have ever guessed. I think D and I have both dealt with double dorm rooms with two beds that were really both fine; I can see people worrying about this more if one of two beds is clearly superior but really, a college shouldn’t charge two people the same price for a dorm room and have one student get a good bed and one student get a bad bed. ??? If neither kid wants a top bunk, it’s best if the kids can unbunk their beds and have less floor space, but I suppose some rooms have built in bunk beds that you can’t unbunk? I think I had better stay out of this one…</p>

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<p>MidwestMom: It really depends on the dorm. My freshman room was 16 x 20, or something like that, with huge space for both of us. I visited a friend that same fall at a top technical university – his room was 9 feet wide and 12 feet long. Both beds were top bunks bolted into the wall, with desks bolted in below them. It was like standing in a submarine! Son’s room at Stanford one summer was not much bigger than that – as wide as two beds and a walkway between them, with room for two desks pushed together. On the other hand, when he went to college, he was assigned a divided double with one room about 9x14, and the other more than twice that. (The bigger room was big enough that even with his full size platform bed and the existing big wooden twin bed and giant wood wardrobe <em>and</em> big desk, there was still enough room to put almost another dorm room in there!) </p>

<p>I think you get into trouble if you start thinking about it in terms of charging different amounts for different sized rooms, though – especially at schools that have older dorms that may have lots of varying room sizes. My son was a full scholarship student. His roommate may have been full-pay. Does that mean my son should be in a smaller room? When colleges start having tiered accommodations, you really do start to see a social stratification by dorm, and that’s sort of unpleasant, as far as I’m concerned. (Of course, if one is rich, one may <em>want</em> to pay for a dorm that only other rich families can afford, I don’t know…seems to be some people on CC who wish that sort of thing was okay, though!)</p>

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<p>At my school different halls do end up costing more than others. I know the couple that have private bathrooms are more expensive than the ones that do not, and there is one building that is mostly singles and I think, while cheaper than the singles, the doubles are still more expensive than the standard double in other buildings. However, there is no uniform room size whatsoever even within the same building, and the size of the room has nothing to do with the cost. I was blessed with a 14x19 at the same price as people with rooms half that size in my hall and in others simply because it’s a double. I think it’s actually possible my large double may be more inexpensive than a smaller double in the building with private bathrooms. The furniture is identical campus-wide, though.</p>

<p>On a separate note, I am arriving a day earlier than my roommate. I am not under any circumstances waiting for her to get there to unpack, that would be ridiculous. I will, however, be considerate when picking my furniture and make sure that it is equal between us.</p>

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<p>How things turn out is really dependent on how considerate the rommate(s) is. Last year, S had 3 roommates in a large room with 2 single beds, 1 bunk bed, & 2 closets (one was a very large walk in closet). Two of his roommates got there as soon as the dorms opened at 8am, took the 2 single beds, the best located desks, & the large walk in closet. They were totally unpacked & set up when we arrived 4 hours later. Neither the kids nor their parents felt the sllightest bit of compunction about taking the best of everything in the room, nor asked my S if that was OK with him. There was no discussion of switching next semester or giving up the bed or closet to even things up. S is not very assertive & didn’t want to make a big deal about this with new kids he expected to live with for a year. The situation in the room deteriorated over the year & only 2 kids of the original 4 were still in the room by the end of the year.</p>

<p>Hopefully, most of our kids don’t have to live with kids who have such a sense of entitlement. I think most roommates are more willing to compromise with each other, especially when there’s a medical issue.</p>