I’m a very shy person, and I regrettably passed up on more than a few opportunities to attempt to make friends because of this. In the beginning of the first semester of freshman year, I tried to join a few clubs but didn’t keep going because I felt I didn’t have a place there. I did join one where I met someone I’m now friends with, but beyond her, my roommate, and someone I somehow made friends with in a class (she was the one who always spoke to me and wanted to hang out after class, but she won’t be on campus much next semester), I have no other friends on campus. Plus, my roommate and I didn’t leave our room much, so I always did everything with her, but now her best friend is coming to campus and Im afraid she won’t want to hang out with me anymore. My new roommate will be a senior which makes me a little unsure we’ll be good friends. There is someone I regularly spoke to in a class last semester, and she will be in a few of my next semester classes, but I have no idea how to make friends with her as my anxiety always gets in the way. So how do I make friends with people in class and would it be acceptable to try and rejoin those clubs I abruptly stopped going to (like I said, I have really bad anxiety, so I’m a bit afraid to just show up again)?
I think you should rejoin one or two of those clubs (if you have any interest at all in them) and not give a thought to what people will think of your coming back after abruptly stopping. People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons without feeling they have to justify them, and as long as no one gets hurt there’s no point in denying yourself opportunities.
One thing that may help your anxiety is to remember that YOU are giving way more thought to yourself and how you come across than anyone else is thinking of you. Most people are thinking of themselves and not about you! Reminding yourself of that can take some pressure off. If someone wonders why you stopped coming to the clubs and then rejoined, it will probably be little more than a flicker of a thought in their heads that passes and is gone. Still feeling awkward about it? Then reframe your idea of yourself as mysteriously unpredictable. If anyone asks why you stopped, just shrug and say you got busy with other things but lately you thought you might like coming again. You’re not obligated to tell anything more.
I think if you’re shy (and I was painfully shy when young) it’s easiest to find a comfort level and make friends in a group at first if you sign up for a specific activity, duty or responsibility . Then you always have something to DO or a reason to BELONG even when you can’t think of something to say. Doing shared activities often breaks the ice with people, and helps the conversation flow from there.
If you don’t like any of the clubs, find something you like to do. Do it with interest, and even if it’s a solo thing, it may lead to another person with that interest joining you in a shared activity. If doing it alone, again, reframe your own idea of yourself as independently, uniquely, confidently pursuing something YOU enjoy…(not as a loner who has no one else.) This positivity can attract others to join you…and if not, you will have developed a skill or a passion that will benefit you more that waiting alone in your dorm room and feeling lonely.
Can you get your mom to mail you a batch of home-baked cookies (or something similar?) Then you have an excuse to invite kids from neighboring rooms to come over. Or can you start a study group? Or initiate conversation with someone else in your classes by asking a question about an assignment. You can offer to help someone (or ask for help yourself.) I know these things can be terribly frightening to initiate, but taking baby steps and taking these risks can benefit you eventually. Expect that everything WON’T turn out as you hoped, but accept that that’s OK! Not everyone will want to be your friend and some people are not kind. But all you need is a few good companions, right? You don’t need to become an extrovert…just comfortable in your own skin.
Can you go to the counseling center at your school to talk to someone about your anxiety?
^^And read the books Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain, and The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron!
Well, the easy answer to your question is “No” - it’s certainly not too late to make friends in the upcoming year. Given your shyness and anxiety, it may not be easy. But if you’re willing to put yourself out there - just a little bit - you might be surprised.
A long time ago, I was similarly so insecure and full of fear that others wouldn’t want to be my friend that I had very few as a freshman. And I felt very lonely despite - or maybe because of - so many others that were so very close… just on the other side of that dorm room door… or just at the other end of that dining hall table… or in that classroom seat ahead/behind/next to me. I left after my freshman year feeling like I’d wasted a huge opportunity and dreaded coming back for what could have been another year of the same.
In my case, I was very fortunate that my sophomore year went much better. I don’t know that I’d changed that much - but I did a much better job of being part of the crowd. I still didn’t know what to say much of the time, how to stand without feeling foolish. I still was afraid of rejection, but I forced myself just enough to make it clear that I welcomed the companionship that many others were seeking as well.
It takes me a while to really be myself in front of others, and ultimately I yearn for close relationships rather than surfacy ones. But allowing myself to eat with the group and play intermural sports turned into opportunities to get to know a few others much better. And before I knew it I had what anyone would call close friends.
Please don’t feel like your second year needs to be a continuation of your first. If you can manage it, give yourself a break. While you won’t magically transform into a social butterfly, you can certainly take a few baby steps. Hold on to the friends you already have, help an incoming freshman avoid the pitfalls you’ve already bridged, remember a simple smile is always a few muscle contractions away, and saying hello is always worth the effort.
Best of luck to you. And sending a virtual hug!
Great advice from the above posters.
One way to initiate contact with another without risk of rejection is to ask for advice about courses, professors, dorms, or about which clubs are the most active/best to join.
Relating to another is as much about listening as it is about sharing.
Consider exercise such as aerobics, running, weightlifting which can be done alone or with others. Whether or not friendships develop, you should benefit from engaging in a healthy activity which breeds self respect.
If you are a writer, ask a college newspaper editor to critique your work or go the school writing center for guidance. This is a way to reveal as much as you want to about your inner thoughts without having to speak much.
Try to focus on others. Volunteer at a daycare or at an animal shelter or retirement home. Showing & having concern for others will enrich your life while lessening your “obsession” with self.
In short, you need to learn to like, then love yourself so that others will too. Self respect is important. Consider reading a book or two about developing self respect.
It would be perfectly fine to re-join the clubs. They are always happy to have new members. It is never too late to make new friends.
Join a club!!
In a way it sounds like you want to make friends because you think you’re supposed to, but the mere thought of doing so scares you badly. Please realize it’s okay to be alone if that’s what you truly prefer.
Also if you feel a lot of anxiety, you should make an appointment at the school’s counseling center when you get back on campus. It can help to talk things through with a professional and the counselor may have some good tips to help you better manage your anxiety.
The thing about college is that you’re not just going to school with your classmates–you’re living with them, existing alongside them, for about six to seven months out of the year. This means that you have so many more opportunities to make friends in college than you did in high school–in high school, classes (and maybe your friends from kindergarten or something) are the main sources of friendship, but in college, friendships can come from classes, meals, exercise, extracurriculars, nightlife–basically everywhere you can think of. I’ve made quick and vibrant friendships from people I’ve had interesting conversations with in the bathroom, because that was a memory that bonded us.
That’s another thing about college friendships–because you spend so much time together, friendships blossom and develop SUPER FAST. People I didn’t even know at the beginning of the spring semester became like my family by the end of it. So there is SUCH a high chance of making more friends your sophomore year, but it also requires effort from you. Do your homework in dorm common spaces (if you have them). Say hi to people from your classes when you see them around. Take gym classes, like yoga or spin, and bond over how hard they are ;). Oftentimes the best friendships grow from the most unlikely places. And that’s when you look back on them in amazement and wonder how the girl you met in line for dinner became the person you confide in the most.