I wasn’t in a long-distance relationship in college, but I have done long-distance relationships before and am currently in one with my husband, who was my high school sweetheart (we have three more weeks before this dratted thing is over and we’re living in the same place again).
- New York to Boston is an easy ride. You can hop on the Amtrak or on a Greyhound or Megabus relatively cheaply and get between the two cities in 4 hours. That’s close enough for lots of weekend trips and spending breaks together. However, the ease of travel doesn’t necessarily translate into frequency of visiting. You’ll each be starting new lives - meeting new friends and getting into new interests and hobbies in very large, very fascinating cities. You may want to reserve some of your weekends for exploring your new cities with new friends or participating in on-campus activities.
With that said, how often and how hard it is to see each other depends a lot on the other things you decide to do and your commitment to visiting one another.
Questions 2 through 4 are essentially the same question and can be addressed by the same thing: In order to have a successful long-distance relationship, the partners in the relationship have to trust each other completely. If you don’t trust each other, it won’t work.
Trust is probably the single most important element in a long-distance relationship. It’s important in regular relationships, too, but in LDRs you aren’t there on a regular basis to see your SO. So you just have to trust that he’s not violating the boundaries of your relationship, whatever those are. You can’t be spending a lot of time thinking about whether he has female friends or is fooling around with someone else or cheating. You have to believe that he’s not. That is the only way to do this. Otherwise, it’s not worth the anxiety, and you’re going to break up anyway.
If you have a strong foundation for your relationship, it’s easier - you’ve already built trust and have that to go on when you’re separated. However, the knowledge that you are the jealous type and a bit insecure doesn’t do you any favors.
First of all, getting scared and insecure “when anyone who’s female breathes near him” isn’t healthy regardless of the kind of relationship you’re in. Frankly, it’s controlling behavior. But it’s a non-starter for an LDR. If you want this to work, you are going to have to get over that. If you want ANY relationship to work, you are going to have to get over it. Yes, your boyfriend will probably have some friends who are women. Yes, some of those women may be attracted to him and try to flirt with him (which is pretty harmless). Some of those women may even be romantically interested in him and want to date him. None of that matters, though, if your boyfriend wants to be with you and doesn’t pay them any romantic attention. BUT you have to be realistic about what that means. Being friends with, chatting with, even a little light flirting with members of the opposite sex is shrug human. You have to let that go. Focus on what’s really important in your relationship.
5 is an irrelevant question. Of course some people in LDRs have been cheated on just like some people in regular relationships have been cheated on. For some people that ended the relationship and for others it didn't. That has no bearing, though, on whether your own boyfriend will cheat. Honestly, if you are already this worried about him cheating, I don't have a good feeling about the health and chances of this LDR. You already said that he's not the type to cheat on you. So why are you so worried?
As for whether it’s true or not that you change drastically in college…well, yeah, most people change pretty significantly in their 20s. On a basic biological level, your brain doesn’t finish developing until you’re around 25 or so. Psychologically, as you grow older and learn more about the world around you and take on adult roles, you’re going to change a lot. People change a lot in their 30s and 40s and even 50s, too (ever heard of a mid-life crisis?) But the 20s are a time of tremendous change. However, that doesn’t mean that you and your boyfriend will grow apart and stop being right for each other. As I mentioned above, my husband was my high school sweetheart - we started dating a little over 15 years ago. We got married almost 4 years ago. We’ve grown up together and grown closer to each other in the process of maturing. Sometimes that happens. I know a couple of other friends from high school who married someone they started dating in high school.
It’s also true that you might grow apart as you get older. Your relationship could end in a burst of drama and tears, or you may just slowly grow apart. Maybe you will meet someone better for you - someone who makes you even happier than your boyfriend does now. Maybe you guys will break up in college and get back together years later. You can’t predict the future! So don’t try to. One of my regrets from college was working so hard to keep my relationship together that I neglected parts of just being a college student, having fun, and letting whatever would happen happen. I spent so much time with my boyfriend (especially when he went through a low period) that I didn’t really develop the deep friendships or participate in all the activities I really wanted to and would have had I not been dating him or trying so hard. You’re young, and you have your whole lives to be really serious; in the mean time, make sure that you focus on yourself and develop and grow and get the most of out of attending a great place like NYU and living in New York for four years. You want close friends and fond memories from college. You don’t want to spend the majority of the time on the bus/train worried and anxious about your long-distance boyfriend.
If you guys don’t want to break up, then don’t. But keep it easy. Enjoy the rest of your senior year and your summer. Don’t spend a whole lot of brain space pondering deep thoughts about this. Decide together what you want to towards the middle/end of summer. And if you decide to give it a go, stay upbeat about it. You need to work on your jealousy and insecurity. Set some expectations about how often you communicate and visit each other (that’s the single thing that LDRs probably fight about the most - usually one partner who wants to communicate/visit far more often than the other. Again, be realistic!) Be flexible, as you’re both going to be in college and starting something new and potentially hard.
And check in relatively frequently. Check your own feelings. Are you still feeling it? Do you still want to work at this? Is it too hard? Remember that an ending relationship is not the end of the world and may ultimately be the best thing for you. It’s not that relationships aren’t hard work, it’s just that at your age you shouldn’t be working so hard to keep yourselves together when there are frankly more important things for you to focus on. (And remember, I’m saying that as someone who was deeply in love in high school - so I know what you’re going through. Been there, done that. I still say that developing and growing as an individual yourself is far more important than preserving your relationship.)
