Hello there. I am a little late to the party but I found this to be a very interesting topic. So I sat down with my D17 (violin) who is leaving for NEC in exactly 3 weeks and practicing right now for her last recital in town tomorrow night (and orchestral excerpts for orientation week) and I asked her about this.
How do you deal with self doubt?
“Haha I don’t!”
She told me that she doesn’t find self-doubt to be motivating. She said she is the least qualified person to comment on this as it has been very present for her, especially through the application and audition process.
Her motivation comes from wanting a “good product” and loving to perform. So no matter how she feels she knows in the back of her mind that she has to just do the work.
Something that helped her greatly was having 2 teachers in her life that gave her clear indication of her level and where she should be auditioning and what her goals could be. Her regular teacher always encouraged her to take lessons from anyone and everyone, visiting artists and a symphony colleague. She also heartily agreed to an arrangement where a retired conservatory professor gave her regular lessons via Skype. Together they guided her and gave her the input necessary to have the confidence to make her application choices to 3 top conservatories.
She still suffers self doubt when she is exposed to other great players her age. She said there’s no cure for it but it does help when you get the thing you want.
There were times she felt great about a performance and lost. Times she felt great and won. But she said she never felt bad about a performance and won. But she always learned from the many competitions and auditions she’s taken and truly loves performing solo and chamber and orchestral music.
There was a time right before her first audition where she kind of freaked out convinced that she didn’t belong in a conservatory and knew she would not make it. We talked for a long time but then I finally said, wait a minute. You’re not allowed to have this conversation yet. Everyone you’ve ever had a lesson with (more than just the 2 teachers - teachers at summer institutes, etc.) believes you are doing the exact right thing. So you can’t decide they are all wrong before you even TRY. If you go to all three schools on your list and they ALL reject you, then you can sit here on this couch and we can have this discussion. But not until then. That was hard but it seemed to make sense to her. She did get in to all 3 schools after all so we never had to have that conversation!
So yes a normal part of the process and sometimes a difficult thing to overcome. She said it seems like your daughter has the right attitude and poise to continue on and keep working. We wish you all the best! PM me if you have any questions.
Yes, of course, timing and luck have a lot to do with success.
Well, we could talk about gender too if we wanted to get into factors that encourage success.
This is a great thread, thank you! True story: my son went to the Eastman Jazz workshop this summer, which turned out to be quite an elite group of 45 kids. On the first day of ensemble, he texted me from the bathroom — everyone else in his group was so good that he was afraid to come out! This from a highly confident kid who was used to lots of “wins” at home, including all-states, etc.
What finally lured him out was another kid who came in, almost in tears, because he’d been placed in a less advanced ensemble — for the first time ever. My son realized he wasn’t the only
one adjusting his expectations that day.
He ended up loving the program. He also learned that some of the very best players weren’t even applying to conservatories or planning to do this professionally. He now feels less sure he’ll get in everywhere (probably healthy) but more sure he’s good enough to audition anywhere (definitely healthy).
Good luck to your talented D!
Really appreciate getting your daughter’s perspective, @Violinmomaz!
“Her motivation comes from wanting a “good product” and loving to perform. So no matter how she feels she knows in the back of her mind that she has to just do the work.” – Such a healthy and helpful mindset to have!
Sounds like she had truly great teachers to help her develop along the way. I love the way you handled the ‘freak out’ at her first audition. Putting those words in my back pocket to be used later, I’m sure! 
@akapiratequeen YES! Exactly! I’m sure this experience is more common than I realize. It so closely parallels our own. So happy that your son ended up loving the program and having a positive experience at Eastman!
“He also learned that some of the very best players weren’t even applying to conservatories or planning to do this professionally. He now feels less sure he’ll get in everywhere (probably healthy) but more sure he’s good enough to audition anywhere (definitely healthy).” --100% the same! Best wishes on his upcoming journey!
@MusicNerd2 One thing I didn’t mention and didn’t think about until later is that my D just simply loves music. Really loves it. Listening to many genres - from The Punch Brothers to Billy Joel to Paul Simon and many in between. She follows the Berlin Phil like it’s her favorite boy band, she loves lisenting to old masters like David Oistrakh and of course the newer stars of the violin world of which Hillary Hahn is her Queen and biggest inspiration (playing at the top level, having a family, etc). She listens to orchestral, chamber, solo, baroque, 20th century, all equally. She lives eats and breathes it and I believe that is what truly drives her beyond the nerves and self-doubt. I think it would be difficult to make it in this business without that true love.
Does she like the “Jam of the Week” group on Facebook?
Great thread! My HS senior D attended a prestigious camp this summer and came back energized with her self confidence bubble slightly smaller but sense of horizon much clearer.
It was great that she was exposed to other kids with higher level of technique and/or musicality, some having started music while they were in diapers and some just couple years ago. Being a big fish in a smaller pond earlier, she did not have this visibility. Seeing all this gave her a better sense of the possibilities and also served as a reality check.
She is now more motivated than ever to put in the hours and do all that is needed to get to her conservatory of choice. In that sense I think the experience was priceless and couldn’t be better timed!
I kept looking at the title of this thread and thinking, “GOD yes!!!”
My son didn’t really start playing guitar (and some piano) until he was about 15. He asked for some lessons, and took a few from local teachers, but for the most part he was teaching himself until he attended a week-long jazz camp at the University of North Florida–that changed everything. He loved it.
When it was time to apply to colleges we were nervous because some late-detected learning issues had given him some serious problems grade-wise, for a while.
Long story short, he was accepted by the New School and SUNY Purchase for guitar performance, and to Hampshire. But he didn’t get into Berklee, where he really wanted to be.
And then, early in the summer before he was to start at Purchase, he got MAJOR anxiety and impostor syndrome. He felt they’d made a mistake when they accepted him. He did not want to go. We were worried that if he didn’t start thrn he might never go, but we didn’t want to force him.
So he stayed home for a year and took music classes at a community college, and practiced. (He’d been deferred at Purchase.)
Following year, almost the same thing–he thought it would be more prudent to attend Purchase as a Pol Sci major! Aaaargh!
So a few months into that, he called me late one night and said he wanted to apply to Berklee again (yeah–I was thrilled…I KNOW he’s got music running through his veins, as his HS chorus teacher once said).
So he did, and this time he was accepted, and he just started.
Point of my very long (sorry!) story is that in retrospect I see that he knew what he was doing. Had he gotten into Berklee, or attended the Purchase conservatory back then, I just don’t think he would have made it, or a lot would have been lost on him in all his uncertainty. And he needed a little more maturity. Now he has that, and tons more confidence, and we’re so glad that things went the way they did, even if they were upsetting at the time.
So I’ve learned a little bit about trusting one’s child’s instincts about these things. Turns out he really does know himself better than we thought we did! If we had pushed it might have been disastrous.
And, @bridgenail , I loved and amened this:
“The best advice I got: when your kid loses her confidence, a parent needs to believe for her. And this is harder than it sounds.”
For us, that meant knowing in our hearts and reminding him of his innate abilities and musical work ethic, while still letting him set his own course.
I’m sure that your daughter will get her mojo back on this! It can be a daunting path–we were way too inexperienced (thank God for the people here on CC!) to really understand that for a long time!