<p>If the rest of the essay is relevant to the intro then it’s very clinching. But if you switch to baking cookies then… haha</p>
<p>Awesome suggestions. And yeah, that sample essay is actually great(and similar!) in my opinion. The author uses the attention grabbing hook, but still manages to keep the drama to adequate levels. It’s remarkably simplistic, yet it flows so well.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone!</p>
<p>“Blood stains the sheets, and the thick cotton turns a ruby red. I am sitting in an observation room overlooking a trauma victim. He is struggling for his life, as blood hemorrhages into his lungs, drowning him. My palms start to sweat, my head becomes weightless, and my hands tremble uncontrollably. I watch as this man, this stranger, loses his battle with death. I can’t help but be angry; this man is bleeding to death, and there is nothing I can do about it. After a long and arduous struggle, he takes his final breath.”
I feel like I could use the first sentence better, any ideas?</p>
<p>I liked the original, but this is even better. You have wonderful imagery. What don’t you like about the first sentence?</p>
<p>(Only think I sort of don’t like is ‘hemorrhages.’ Seems like a bit unnatural. Why not “floods”? JMO)</p>
<p>Blood has stained the sheets, turning the thick cotton a sickening [stomach dropping, nightmarish, etc. or just use ruby red] shade of red.</p>
<p>here’s what i would do with the first sentence^</p>
<p>“He is struggling for his life…” sounds a bit clich</p>
<p>Thanks physicsnut, I just think the first sentence could have been worded better!</p>
<p>Thanks Overcore, that helps a lot.
It flows so much nicer with your corrections!</p>
<p>lets see it!</p>
<p>“Blood has stained the sheets, turning the thick cotton a sickening ruby red. I am sitting in an observation room overlooking a trauma victim. (He is struggling for his life), as blood hemorrhages into his lungs, drowning him. My palms are leaking sweat, my head becomes weightless, and my hands tremble uncontrollably. I watch as this stranger loses his battle with death. I can’t help but feel angry; this man is bleeding to death, and there is nothing I can do about it. After a long and arduous struggle, he takes his final breath.”</p>
<p>The only thing I want to change is the “struggling” sentence, but still haven’t found the right words.</p>
<p>my head is weightless, not becomes weightless.</p>
<p>the struggling sentence is a toughie.</p>
<p>“I watch as this stranger loses his battle with death. I can’t help but feel angry; this man is bleeding to death, and there is nothing I can do about it.”</p>
<p>Can’t help but think some of this could be jazzed up a little. Seems a little colloquial, and colloquial often feels overdramatic.</p>
<p>I look on at a man fighting back the scythe of death [trying to make a grim reaper reference. claws of death?]. The injustice of my uselessness is infuriating.</p>
<p>Thats my quick shot at it. See what you can do.</p>
<p>I look on at a man who’s sword is locked with the scythe of death.</p>
<p>Might be a bit over the top</p>
<p>He wrestles with a demon inside him, invisible to me … something along those lines? This suggestion sounds overdramatic though, heh. Overall I think it’s a great intro!</p>
<p>bgwhite - You are going down a slippery slope of over-advice. Take it and run with it.</p>
<p>^Agreed. It’s yours–now work with it.</p>
<p>(But real quick :)…we know he’s dying, no need to tell us he’s losing the struggle.)</p>
<p>I can see what you two mean, but much of these suggestions make the flow/feel of the essay better.</p>
<p>When you say take it and run with it, I assume you mean take this advice in moderation? I need to go with my original feelings and stop second guessing myself.</p>
<p>I think they mean make it your own. Its easy to take 10 people’s advice to make your essay amazing, but you lose something in the process. Your personal touch. There’s a point where you have to accept that your own essay may not flow perfectly, but at least its still your own essay. Basically exactly what you said.</p>
<p>Think of an oak hardwood floor. It can be polished and polished and polished. Too much polish and it will have a beautiful shine. But it will be so polished that the grain of the wood can no longer be seen. That “grain,” my friend, is you.</p>
<p>Altho I suspect many are just having fun here, bg’s requests for help seem sincere. So, I will offer this: I am still assuming this is an opener for college essay?
Adcoms will read as far as “overlooking,” five words after stating you were sitting- and make a snap impression of your writing skills. They will wonder why you chose the word overlooking, which, in the context of sitting, means: ignoring. This will cause them to question your judgment in making- and not correcting- this error. They may assume you just checked a thesaurus, got “overlook” and edited no further. Not so good.
Let me say though, as fiction,- other than that wrong word-you are on to something.</p>
<p>The word sitting does not immediately make the definition of overlook ignore. In fact, it doesn’t even mean ignore; a more accurate definition would be to fail to see something (very different than intentionally avoiding something). Anyone paying attention to the context of the paragraph (which is how you would derive the definition here, not pick out 1 word that helps one definition and fail to take into account the rest of the paragraph, which suggests another) would see that he is not mistakenly failing to see the victim (he spends a whole paragraph describing in vivid detail what he sees), nor is he intentionally ignoring him (I don’t see why sitting would suggest this, and don’t see any other words that would suggest this either), and by mentioning the observation room (a room in which you look at things, not ignore or fail to see things) is probably referring to the alternative definition.</p>
<p>Sorry lookingforward, I’d have to disagree with you here.</p>
<p>Ah, but a college essay is about more than what you and I take from the whole paragraph.<br>
Adcoms review hundreds of essays/week and form quick impressions. The topic chosen is a measure of the applicant’s judgment; writing skills- including proper grammar and word choice- reflect the applicant’s academic preparation and ability to self-edit. Here, “overlooking” is a clumsy word choice.<br>
And, bg wrote that he was sitting, so how can we assume the other def of overlook: look over or at from a higher place?
See the confusion? I am just wondering why bg didn’t simply go hunt a better word. In a comptitive admit contest, we can’t just say, oh well, that word’s wrong, you’ll still get an “A” from the hs Engl teacher.<br>
Dictionary definitions:
To look over or at from a higher place.
To fail to notice or consider; miss. Or: To ignore deliberately or indulgently; disregard</p>
<p>…slippery slope…</p>