<p>Please give me your honest opinion on this essay for Haverford...</p>
<p>As an activist within my school's Young Democrats club, I was accordingly interested when I learned that President Bush would be visiting our very own Hershey, Pennsylvania. I felt that the Bush Administration had, in general, a horrible record with regard to civil liberties and free speech. In particular, I disagreed with the unnecessary provisions in the PATRIOT Act and the Domestic Security Enhancement Act (PATRIOT II) that allowed federal agents to wire tap and monitor e-mail without warrants. Feeling that Bush's presence in my hometown presented the perfect opportunity for me as an informed citizen to voice my opinion, I decided to attend the rally and peacefully show my dissent. I was concerned, however, because in previous Bush rallies across the country, people had been thrown out sometimes even arrested simply for respectfully protesting the war in Iraq and the President's policies. As the President of the United States, George Bush represents the entire country and therefore I, just as much as any Bush supporter, should have been welcomed at the rally.
As home-brought signs were banned from the rally, my simple protest was to wear a Kerry tee shirt. Unfortunately, I was unable to find one. Improvising during the rally's first speakers, I borrowed a marker and wrote Kerry for President on a white shirt already emblazoned Free to Choose. Sitting in the stands with my friends, the surrounding audience immediately took offense to the shirt. Eventually, when the end of the President's speech was in sight, my friends and I left the bleachers and moved toward the field. Several volunteers for the Bush campaign noticed my nondescript shirt and encircled me.
One of the volunteers then told me that I was being forced to leave. Knowing my rights, I responded, Under what authority? A local policeman and a man in a black suit (Secret Service, though I didn't know it at the time) approached. The policeman informed me that the stadium was private property and its renters, the Republican Party, could bar entrance to anyone. I argued that my actions were within my First Amendment rights, but the policeman turned me towards the exit and escorted me the length of the stadium. Along the way, the audience sitting and standing along the bleachers cheered my removal. Many yelled, Get him outta here!
I peaceably bowed to my detractors as I made my exit. Happy to have presented my message, I was nonetheless disturbed by seeing firsthand the abject disrespect with which nonconformists to the Party mantra were treated. Having respectfully expressed my views, I expected my fellow citizens to respect in turn my Constitutional right to dissent. It was the adults, supposed role models, who treated me like an enemy, jeering me as I was escorted, unwilling to actually discuss their grievances. I resolved never to take up such a position myself, to always treat every human being with the utmost respect, no matter his or her opinions.</p>
<p>In addition, an admissions essay has to explore in depth events and how they personally shaped you in order for the officers to build a picture of your character.</p>
<p>in this "essay," only the VERY LAST sentence (a very cliched and contrived one by the way) even tries to do that. </p>
<p>Alll in all, this is nothing more than a political rant. I suggest you find a much better topic.</p>
<p>i wouldn't try to bring politics into the essay but rather how you exercised your democratic right. you really don't want to comment on your political views even though i fully agree with you.</p>
<p>i disagree with the above posters. i think the essay topic is fine; however, i think you may need a better way to present your views. perhaps you should shorten the story and develop the ideas (ie political views, freedom and its importance to you, etc) more thoroughly. that way, it'll seem less like a political statement and more like a personnal statement.</p>
<p>o, by the way, i agree with you wholeheartedly =)</p>
<p>Whether you're conservative or liberal, he's still 100% wrong - in a private venue, the host has EVERY RIGHT to kick you out for ANY REASON. They could have kicked you out for blinking the wrong way.</p>
<p>typically, you want to avoid such controversial topics like these.</p>
<p>Also, this essay (from a purely objective standpoint) is poorly developed and written. There is no personal development or descriptions on his thoughts. All I see is complaining + a very cliched one-liner for the last sentence.</p>
<h1>1. In that situation they had every right to kick you out.</h1>
<h1>2. When you made the shirt and decided to go to the rally it had no purpose at all except to ANTAGONIZE the peaceful supporters. Do you want to convey to college admissions officers that you go around antagonizing people (which apparently you do)? I don't think so.</h1>
<h1>3. Bush for four more years, deal with it. He isn't perfect, I'll be the first to admit, but he is one heck of a president.</h1>
<h1>4. It's ok to express your tendency to deviate from the normal (being a Republican in Massachusetts I do it all the time and actually made an essay about challenging the massachusetts status quo but then one of my recommendation writers talked about how I challenge the status quo and am a good debater and stuff so I decided to scrap that idea). Admissions counselors like to see independent thinkers - unless of course you're a Michael Moore liberal, in that case you're being fed lies and propaganda. They don't like to see someone who goes out to demonstrate and 'assert their democratic rights right dissent' when in fact you're going out simply to cause an uproar and **** people off.</h1>
<h1>5. The essay in general is really weak and tells too much about how much you think you're such a peaceful dissenter and how the evil Republicans kicked you out and the conclusion tries to compensate with:</h1>
<p>"It was the adults, supposed role models, who treated me like an enemy, jeering me as I was escorted, unwilling to actually discuss their grievances. I resolved never to take up such a position myself, to always treat every human being with the utmost respect, no matter his or her opinions."</p>
<p>Pretty lackluster if you ask me, and too much of a political rant. Great, you're a liberal, the admissions people don't care. But if you can talk about maybe standing up for your values and all that it would be a better theme, instead of the current theme of "I like to get Republicans angry"</p>
<p>"typically, you want to avoid such controversial topics like these." </p>
<p>Sometimes yes and sometimes not...it's ok to show that you challenge the status quo, as I said above, but it's not ok to offend people in your essay. You could write about how you lobbied for Bush or Kerry or even Nader or Sharpton for president and how it influenced you or what you learned from it as long as it isn't offensive - keep in mind that your reader could be on the opposite end of the political spectrum as you and although they say they'll treat every essay and application equally we're all human and we all give in to passions, even admissions officers who might disagree with you.</p>
<p>So it's a shaky topic but if you really want to be 'controversial' because that's you then go ahead, be yourself but if you're doing it just to try to stand out it's no good.</p>
<p>i still think that this person has a topic that could potentially be interesting, should the right spin be put on the essay. i'm not arguing with those who say the republican party had every right to kick him out; he is wrong; liberals suck; bush president, so just deal; and the rest of those kind of arguments. i'm merely stating that he has a topic that can be used because it clearly addresses an issue important to the original poster. yes, i think that it needs to be rewritten, because at this point it is not sophisticated enough to submit, but the topic itself is not inherently flawed. the essay needs to be edited so that it reflects more upon the writer rather than the writer's political beliefs. at that point, i think it could be a viable college essay.</p>
<p>and besides, haverford is generally left-leaning anyhow...haha</p>
<p>I'm sorry but taht is a TERRIBLE HORRIBLE essay for college. What are you thinking. A little common sense please. You don't know who the hell will be reading your essay and talking about anything having to do with the current president is really stupid. The admissions person reading that will be immediately turned off at the mention of politics. Pick something personal or something....something not open to disagreement. Sweet.</p>
<p>As to the essay, nix it and write about something else - something safer.</p>
<p>To some who replied to this thread:</p>
<p>AHHHH teenage bush supporters **** me off to no end. I can understand if you're old, rich, and heartless, but you're a KID for chrissakes.</p>
<p>Who said something about him being "one heck of a president"? Because yeah, presidents who allow their campaign to send complete and total lies on pamphlets off to christian rural areas that say "liberals are going to ban the bible" (????) are definitely AWESOME!!!!oneoneone!! Presidents who organize massive rhetoric and coin the term "weapons of mass destruction" to hide the fact that no, Iraq had no nuclear weapons (even Bush admits it), and yes, we did invade and destroy their country in the name of "liberation", are definitely the BEST PRESIDENTS EVARR!!one!</p>
<p>Don't even get me started on Cheney. I'm terrified...terrified. Halliburton owns the rights to develop the moon. For serious people...</p>
<p>That said, my boyfriend of seven months is a bush supporter. I deal with it as best I can, haha.</p>
<p>If you're going to be political at least discuss a legitimate wronging. You were treated fairly...they can kick you out for absolutely no reason and your rights were not being supressed. Not only that this essay says very little about and accomplishes nothing. Not only will you **** off republicans and probably moderates, liberals will just not be impressed with the style or content. Throw it out.</p>
<p>thank god for ohlookasquirrel, i was about to be scared for my life and my world if the smart, ambitious, high-scoring kids on this site of all places were really that closed to criticisms and dissenting opinions. i don't think that you're off in writing about them kicking you out, even if it was legal and "legitimate;" what youre calling absurd is the very notion that one can preach free speech and then legitimize ignoring it.
i think a lot of people responded to your viewpoint to the exclusion of your actual essay, so let me deviate: i do think that a college essay needs to be more focused on YOU, less political statement and more personal statement, as twink1etwinkle said. you can work with what you have, tho: cut most or all of the first paragraph ennumerating your specific views, and expand the rest to really address not what you learned about "getting republicans angry" as camkerr87 so objectively and convincingly put it, and more about what you learned about hypocrisy or prejudice and their further-reaching applications. everyone who talks about essays says that specific is good, but in this case your specificity is limiting; i think in order to have a valid personal reflection shown through this essay, you have to tie this to something bigger. issues of respect and closed-mindedness are very valid for a college essay. As this stands, the blatant chartering of your own views borders on inappropriate.</p>
<p>this is one of the worst college essays i've ever read. not only could my 7 year old sister write better than this, but no one gives a dam n about your political views or the secret service. try again.</p>
<p>Hahahaha, listen, write about yourself, not politics. If politics has a large part to do with who you are, then include it, but dont be an angry ranting liberal, be a calm collected liberal explaining who you are, not what you are. Angry essays are a big turnoff and what if the person reading your essay is a Neo-Con?? Then you are out for good. Try to temper it a little bit buddy.</p>