Is this essay effective/ On topic enough?

<p>Prompt:
Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general?</p>

<p>Over-dependence on government rather than individuals and communities is one of the great pratfalls of the modern world. Self-reliance, rather than reliance on government, is the ideal and most efficient way of improving our lives, because an individual with skin in the game and a tangible motive for action will always be more effective than a politician or bureaucrat.
Present-day America is littered with examples of people relying on government agencies, rather than themselves, to solve their problems. Since the 1960’s, with President Johnson’s federal Medicare and Medicaid programs, government has taken an increasingly large role in the healthcare industry, and Americans, who now have less skin in the game, have gotten incredibly unhealthy and put extreme stress on the system. Government assistance in something like healthcare is a massive hamper on our independence, since it creates the expectation that that society will solve our problems for us, and we needn’t bother make the effort to remain self-sufficient, since we have a guaranteed back-up system.
Further, government simply doesn’t solve problems. Government didn’t inspire Henry Ford to make the car affordable for the general population. Government subsidies didn’t revolutionize the personal computer industry. Isaac Newton wasn’t awarded government grants for his research. Yet, people today still demand and expect that government take an active role in an incalculable number of areas of society, such as the burgeoning green-energy industry. In recent days, the solar power company Solyndra, its pockets lined with government money, was shown to be both incompetent and corrupt, a common story when government gets itself entangled with industrial innovation. What we, as individuals and communities, should do is invest in and buy from private companies, free from government interference. The competition created when private individuals work towards goals will galvanize creativity and innovation at levels the government cannot reach, since individuals will only give money to competent organizations, unlike how the government rewards the politically connected and not the most creative and skilled.
When it comes to public services like public schools, local communities will always be more effective at running public schools than state and federal governments will be, again due to the fact that communities are generally free of the corruption and cronyism that pervade government agencies and give America failing public schools. Also, the idea that politicians and bureaucrats will care more about the quality of a kid’s education than a parent will is ludicrous, since the government does not have as much in a stake in a child’s future as does his or her parent.</p>

<p>I’m not too great at this (two eights so far, HOPING for something better tomorrow), but I’ll try. One problem is the abrupt ending, but I’m guessing you already know this… just pace yourself. Your second paragraph I thought was good, but the first one seemed to be a little too abstract.</p>

<p>I’d give this a 5 (out of 6) but my opinion really doesn’t count for much.</p>

<p>Your essay is missing examples of people taking responsibility for solving problems that affect their community. It’s off topic.</p>

<p>Such examples may include (1) a community driven tutoring program for failing students, (2) a group of college students spending a summer in the Sierra Nevada to repair trails, (3) Malcolm X or Martin Luther King and their work on improving the lives of Blacks in America.</p>

<p>Your essay reads like an editorial regarding the failure of government.</p>

<p>You come close to providing a relevant example when you comment about " … care more about the quality of a kid’s education than a parent will is ludicrous, since the government does not have as much in a stake in a child’s future as does his or her parent." That’s an assertion, which to some extent is obvious. To make it a relevant example for the thesis you can pick a “charter school” that the community created and show how parental involvement in that school improved the quality of education. There are of course other examples.</p>

<p>Because your essay is well written my sense is that you’ll get a perfunctory 8. By spending more time on examples of individual and community actions you can bring it to a 12.</p>