Is this Georgetown essay TOO BOLD?

Chance Me / Match Me!
1

<p>I am on the cusp of the requirements, 1440 math and reading...4.0 wGPA 3.8 uwGPA..top 10% of graduating class and pretty good ECs</p>

<p>I also am getting a letter or recommendation from someone on the board of the Foreign Services School...I am applying to the college</p>

<p>I obviously don't have OUTSTANDING stats so thought maybe I should stand out in my essay or do I just hope my letter of rec is good.</p>

<p>Anyway, here is one essay for the school, is it TOO BOLD?</p>

<p>As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you</p>

<p>Of all the essays I have had to write, this is by far the most challenging. My least favorite question to be asked is, “How would you describe yourself?” I wish the answer were as simple as the question. </p>

<p>It is not that I do not know who I am, but I do not know how to write an essay that best describes me. I do not feel like I can be described on a sheet of paper.</p>

<p>I wanted to write this in a creative way that best described who I am. I wanted to write a dialogue between my biggest fan and my biggest critic discussing monumental moments in my development. Then I thought I would just take the easy way out and use an old essay of mine that vaguely answers this question. Honestly, though, I did not feel that either would describe me the way I want to be portrayed. </p>

<p>Part of me wishes I can write some heart wrenching, overly impressive essay that describes some immense challenge I have had to overcome. However, when I think about it, I really don’t. I am happy with the person I am and am accepting of what others believe of me. </p>

<p>I think of myself as an honest, straightforward individual, and I do not like to “beat around the bush.” So, instead of writing a vague essay that does not give any insight into who I really am, or just listing the activities on my resume, I hope to explain who I really am.</p>

<p>I am Thomas Scibelli. I live in a town that was recently declared the safest in New York. I enjoy going to the pizzeria on Thursdays with my parents, spending time with my friends, and playing fantasy football. I wish I can tell you I have helped to build a school in Nicaragua. I wish I could tell you that I have started my own charity and raised thousands of dollars for the underprivileged. I wish I could tell you that I have received awards for some special talent. But I can’t. If I did I would be lying, and that is not who I am.</p>

<p>By no means, however, am I trying to belittle what I have accomplished. As I said, it is nonsensical to list what I have done when I have a resume attached, but I can say that although I have not done anything extreme, I have volunteered. I do help people, and I enjoy doing it. I believe I am a good person, and I truly want to make the world a better place. I appreciate the little things in life. I don’t take life too seriously and appreciate what I do have, instead of complaining about what I don’t.</p>

<p>I can say that I welcome challenges. I enjoy the pressure, and I thrive under it. My entire life I have excelled when my back was against the wall. When my mom worried how I would react to being in a school with 12th graders when I was in just 7th grade, I proved that I could handle it. When my SAT tutor questioned how I would do, I assured her that on the day of the exam I would take it to another level that I can not reach unless I absolutely have to. I welcome the pressure. I would imagine I was in the minority when I say that I was jumping around trying to pump myself up with music just moments before the SAT. </p>

<p>I have worked extremely hard to get where I am today. I have faced and overcome challenges. I have succeeded when no one thought I would. I know that when I go to college, I will succeed because I do not accept failure. I believe that if I write down, “Do not open until you are the President of the United States” and sealed it an envelope, I would tear that envelope open one day.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance for your help</p>

2

<p>I would really be careful about posting your essays in a public forum like this for a college that is still accepting decisions. I don’t think this is the right forum for this either, but what the hell, here it goes.</p>

<p>As for your essay, it’s a bit too bold in the wrong way; not that being bold is a bad thing, but the fact that you go out of your way to show us how bold you are without providing a lot of relevant/unique evidence to support your claim comes off as a bit unflattering towards your overall application.</p>

<p>If you could replace the SAT tutor, the 7th and 12th (I initially thought you got boosted into 9th from 7th, but then I realized you went to a Secondary School like I did - good word choice though) with something a bit more, well, special, that’d really help your essay.</p>

<p>Interesting conclusion, but as I said, I need to know what challenges you have faced and overcome to ensure the validity of your main claim.</p>

3

<p>I don’t like it. The vibe is wrong. "Honestly, though, I did not feel that either would describe me the way I want to be portrayed. " Well too bad. Everyone else is doing exactly that. You got 500 words or so to portray the most important parts of yourself so figure out how to do it. So get on it.</p>

4

<p>Stop telling them what you didn’t do. Every other applicant is going to tell them what they did do and what they did accomplish. My secondary school is also from 7th-12th gr and it would never occur to me to use the fact that I succeeded in 7th gr (along with the vast majority of other kids) as an accomplishment in my college essay. Also, not everyone can afford a SAT tutor so do not mention that. It makes you sound like a rich kid. I agree that you do not want to simply recite your attached resume so pick one thing and go indepth on that one ec.</p>

5

<p>This essay made me strongly dislike you.</p>

6

<p>Don’t put your damn essay on CC. This was probably the most pretentious piece of self-deluded crap I’ve read in a while. I agree with neatocheeto. </p>

<p>“I know that when I go to college, I will succeed because I do not accept failure. I believe that if I write down, “Do not open until you are the President of the United States” and sealed it an envelope, I would tear that envelope open one day.” </p>

<p>If I were an admissions officer, I would rip up your application right there. This is a load of bull. All you did in this essay was describe how un-special you are. Bad move buddy.</p>

7

<p>This reminds me of a letter written by Suzy Lee Weiss</p>

<p>There’s nothing wrong with being bold, this just isn’t bold. There’s too much beating around the bush, and not enough substance. I don’t get to see who “YOU” are all I get are buzz words and bad examples</p>

<p>Point A

Going to secondary school isn’t a struggle…
And the fact that you have an SAT tutor makes it seem like you’d score well.
Neither of these are obstacles that set you apart. </p>

<p>In an effort to make yourself seem different from the rest, you couldn’t be more similar.
Don’t “try hard” to be edgy. Be You. Being bold is actually pretty clich</p>