is this good SAP Appeal letter?

Paying for College
1

<p>Dear Academic Progress Appeals Committee,</p>

<p>I am writing this statement concerning my current financial aid suspension. I had two issues that were going on my school year. I have attended at --------- in the fall of 2011 and continued until the spring of 2012. During my school year, especially during spring of 2012, my academic performance was very poor. When I was 11 years old, I have diagnosed with Focal Segmental glomerulosclerosis, which is a form of kidney disease that scarring was found in my kidney. Until the spring of 2012, I have not realized seriousness of this illness because my disease was pretty in under control and I felt like a normal person. However, during the spring, I was constantly felt dizzy and my blood pressure was uncontrollable that I have realized my medicine for this disease no longer works as well as previously. What I have found out after doing a research about my disease due to anxiety was disastrous. I have found that I have no chances getting better and it actually leads to kidney failure, which has pretty high death rate. I have also found out that it usually takes five to twenty years for FSGS to lead kidney failure and the faster you have diagnosed with FSGS, the faster and sooner you will have kidney failure. These facts scared me. I felt these disastrous facts will stop me from my dream that I felt everything useless. I thought of give up everything and do whatever I want before I die. Another problem that I had faced was financial problem. I have a single mom and a sibling who goes to high school. We live in 1br/studio apartment in New York where everything is expensive. My sibling and I do not even have a driver’s license because my family cannot afford insurance. During spring of 2012, my family’s financial problem got worse. Seeing mother’s tear grieved me that I seriously had to think of end my education and give up on my dream and work.
However, now, I have changed. I thought of my mother’s number one reason of why she brought me to America and why she had chosen stay in America although we are financially suffering. There was only one answer, ME. She wanted me to have better life and wanted to give me opportunities to achieve my dream. My dream is to become a researcher in pharmaceutical area. I want to research and develop medicines for people who have to suffer from certain illness because they cannot take certain medicines due to their health problem like me. I am a young woman who always wants better and happier future. Through these hard situations I became strong. I want an education at --------- for myself. I want to achieve my dream. I want to make my family to have better life. I believe that resuming my education at --------- is a one step forward to my dreams I would not want to withdraw my opportunity at ---------. However, as of now, it is very hard for me to get an education for myself due to financial problem. It is very hard for single-mother to support me so she cannot afford to contribute to my education financially. Please provide me another chance to prove my dedication and my ability to perform as an outstanding student at ---------.</p>

2

<p>First, paragraphs are your friends. </p>

<p>Second, it is too long and does not address the issue. Get to the point, don’t give too many unnecessary details. Tell them why you failed and what you are going to do differently not to fail again.</p>

3

<p>I agree with lerkin. A paragraph should contain one topic. There are about 6 ideas in there and two paragraphs. Break it into opening paragraph, 1st reason, 2nd reason, how you are going to fix this and conclusion. Better to have more paragraphs than too little, in my opinion.</p>

<p>Lerkin is also correct about the length. I’d say that 1 page, double spaced, is the max length you want. Any more than that, and they probably wont read a word of it.</p>

<p>One more thing… Is English your first language?</p>

4

<p>One more thing I want to add to my previous post. As harsh as it sounds, the committee will not care whether or not you are poor and what dreams you have, so skip that.</p>

5

<p>You address why you are motivated to do better, but you have not indicated what you plan to DO to perform better. And for Pete’s sake, don’t say “study harder”. Will you see an academic counselor regularly to control time management issues? Finally take those developmental classes in writing that you were sure you didn’t need? </p>

<p>And, as lerkin suggested, cut the paragraph about your disease way down.</p>

6

<p>Agree with the above statements.

  1. Much too long and wordy. makes it hard to follow, and I lost interest after the first few lines.
  2. Almost unreadable due to lack of paragraphs. Split it into paragraphs with one main subject per paragraph. For instance, the health issues need to be in a paragraph. Don’t make it overlong, and don’t put too much detail.
  3. You need to say what you will do differently. For instance go to professor’s office hours, take advantage of tutoring the school may offer, go to writing labs etc etc</p>
7

<p>I agree with the suggestions above, but would add that you should also have a native English speaker proofread your letter for you once you have revised it. There are numerous grammatical errors in your letter. If you can’t send a grammatically correct and proofread letter, then your stated intent to improve your performance will ring somewhat hollow.</p>