Is this mediocre essay at least an 8?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: Should we pay more attention to people who are older and more experienced than we are?</p>

<p>People should not automatically listen to those who are older. Several examples from literature illustrate that older people are in fact just as flawed as, if not more than, the youthful. Not all old people demonstrate good morality and an aurora of maturity.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by Mr. Rochester's immoral behavior in Jane Eyre, older people are not always the wisest. Although Mr. Rochester is 20 years older than Jane, he possesses values and beliefs that are far inferior to Jane's. Mr. Rochester locks his wife in an attic after discovering her insanity, and then proceeds to travel Europe as a bachelor. He hires many mistresses (which was considered obscene in the 19th century) and later attempts (and fails) to commit bigamy by marrying Jane. Even though Jane is a young girl who is inexperienced with the world, she has much common sense and has a good idea of what is right and wrong. She illustrates that she is more sage than Mr. Rochester by refusing to be his mistress. Thus, Mr. Rochester's flawed morals and beliefs show that older people are not always the wisest. Despite their being more experienced with the world than younger people, older people are not invariably the best people from which to take advice.</p>

<p>In addition, Albus Dumbledore's failures in Harry Potter exemplify that older people are not always the most sage. Even though Dumbledore is one of the oldest wizards in the Wizarding World, he is indeed not wider than those who are younger than he. He impulsively put a cursed ring on his finger and also mistakenly caused the death of his friend Severus Snape. Therefore, Dumbledore's actions show that despite his old age, he is a fallible person capable of making mistakes. Old people are not always more sagacious than youngsters. Albeit young, Harry is wiser than Dumbledore as proven by his valor and intelligence.</p>

<p>Lastly, Widow Douglas's incredibly immoral beliefs show that older people are not the best people to go for advice. Despite her old age, she conforms to Southern society and is very demeaning to blacks. She steadfastly believes that it is white people's inherent right to be the masters of black slaves. In contrast, 13 year old Huck Finn questions society's discrimination against blacks and consequently helps a black slave, Jim, escape. Huck does not understand why his fellow white friends treat blacks as if they are subhuman. Hence, Widow Douglas's immorality and Huck's common sense demonstrate that old people are not always the wisest. Young people, albeit more naive, may actually possess purer and better beliefs.</p>

<p>After a meticulous analysis of characters from Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, and the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, it is prudent to conclude that old people are not always the wisest. Even though they have more experience than young people, older people may not possess good beliefs. Therefore, we should not always pay attention to old people's advice. Age is just a number.</p>

2

<p>A couple of things. Your introduction is a little weak. You use the words “old people” and “older” way too often, it makes it rather boring to read. The sources are decent, be careful with the movie though. Using the word “albeit” makes you seem pretentious which is not a goal. If you use those big “SAT” words too frequently, the reader will just perceive you as being showy and cocky- which will impede on your ability to score highly. Overall, would you get an 8? Depends, it would not surprise if you do, though.</p>

3

<p>Thanks for repying!! :slight_smile:
What words do you think I could replace with “old people” and “old”?</p>

<p>I basically looked at the “How to write a 12 essay in 10 days” thread and used the template.</p>

<p>Could someone possibly show me how to make my introduction stronger? Thanks!!</p>

4

<p>Perhaps aged or elderly…</p>

5

<p>One thing to work on: in your three examples you always end with “show that old people are not always the wisest.” Your Dumbledore example uses a different word for wise, sagacious, but overall your essay sounds very repetitive as a result. </p>

<p>So instead of being too general about it, use the final sentence for specifically your example. For example, your first example: Mr. Roch…'s values are contrasted against the righteous innocence of young Jane, exemplifying the fact that there are older people whose principles are founded upon debasing values that can ultimately destroy a person.</p>

<p>I made that up but I said something specific about Mr. Roch that would separate it from the rest: the contrasting part. Although Huck Finn example could relate to it, you should still find something in your example that separates it from the rest but still supports your thesis. </p>

<p>I hope I’m not being too confusing. What i’m trying to say overall is that, yes your essay should be getting an 8 because you hit all the stuff, solidly or not, you hit them. Rather, it’s too repetitive that there really is nothing that makes the “wow” factor in it that makes it appealing to have a higher score.</p>

6

<p>I can’t tell you what your score would be for this essay, but I have a few quick pieces of advice that can make your writing much stronger.</p>

<p>1) Never use “to be,” unless you wish to place emphasis on a noun that isn’t the real subject in a sentence, or if unless you want to make a statement of identity. If you want an example of the first type of exception, look at the Declaration of Independence. “All men are created equal,” rather than “X created all men equal.” The emphasis should be on the men, not whatever force created them. An example of the second exception can be found in the first sentence of this paragraph. </p>

<p>2) Be very specific and forceful in the introduction. Your first sentence should take a stance, even if you’re saving the official thesis for later.</p>