<p>In recent decades, the general population has become more open with the world. We now share everything that happens in our lives: our deepest troubles, our most wonderful joys, and in numerous cases trivial day-to-day occurrences. With the advent of social media, sharing what goes on in our daily lives has become commonplace. Although there should be a limit on what we decide to make public, expressing ourselves is vital. </p>
<p>In the novel the Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the main character Jay Gatsby suffers for years by not confessing the truth about his humble origins. He lives in an opulent community known as West Egg next to the equally wealthy, but more "old money" East Egg. He introduces himself to people as Jay Gatsby while his actual, less dignified namesake is James Gatz. He tells them that he went to Oxford, when he really did not even graduate from a small school in the United States because he had to do degrading janitorial work there. He even tells them that he was born into a wealthy family in the Midwest when in actuality his parents were dirt poor farmers. These copious lies erect a barrier between him and the people who he meets, for they can never truly get to know and adore the real man. By constructing this barrier, he jeopardizes his chance to be with the love of his life, Daisy, because she could never love the true him. By confessing the truth, he would relieve himself of his suffering. </p>
<p>I too experienced what Gatsby experienced. However, unlike Gatsby, I knew how to resolve my dilemma. Approximately three years ago, my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. The disease developed in a very brusque period of time, so my family and I were stunned by the news. Although it was difficult beyond words, I chose to continue living my life the way I had been living it. I was determined to not let the obstacle of losing my mother hinder my opportunity for a successful and enjoyable life. For an entire year, I lived my life as if everything was fine; I avoided telling any of my friends my dark secret for fear of embarrassment and judgement. Then, one day, I realized that the only way to feel liberated was to confess what I had been hiding. I told the truth about my situation to all of my friends, and instead of laughing at me or judging me like I thought they would, they embraced me and told me that they would be there for me. That was the best decision I had made in my seventeen years. </p>
<p>Releasing the skeletons from our closets is an effective method for freeing our souls. If we keep our miserable secrets to ourselves, then they will just fester within us. Confessing what we are holding back to loved ones is therapeutic and necessary. While sharing every minute event of our lives on social media for everyone to see is uncalled for, sharing what is deep within us with those who we care for should be encouraged.</p>
<p>What is the prompt</p>
<p>I think you need more commentaries on each topic because that’s how you can connect it back to your thesis. Try making your essay more structural; use semicolons and maybe add in rhetorical devices here and there.</p>
<p>Not sure how relevant my point is, but I would question your use of the word “brusque” in the way you used it. Brusque generally refers to someone’s demeanor. A word such as “precipitous” might be more appropriate to the context.</p>
<p>Misuse of vocabulary always detracts significantly from my opinion of a piece of writing. Your use of the words “copious” and “brusque” is not exactly fitting, and therefore messes up the flow. </p>
<p>I’m ahead of myself. Your first paragraph has a bit of a POV switch when you jump from “the general population” (3rd person) to “we” (1st person). It’s not serious, however, especially since you were pretty constant with 1st person from thereon out. Also, after the colon, you need to eliminate the phrase “in numerous cases” or put commas around it. Overall, I would have to characterize your introduction and conclusion as OK. </p>
<p>As for your body paragraphs, there are some ill-phrased sentences. For instance,“He lives in an opulent community known as West Egg next to the equally wealthy, but more “old money” East Egg,” doesn’t make any sense to me. There are other awkward phrases with extraneous words that distance the reader from your theme/thesis. Also, you talk a fair amount about what the limits of expression should be in your introduction and conclusion even though you don’t talk about them at all in your body paragraphs. You could probably skip that portion of the essay in order to maintain your essay’s focus.</p>
<p>That being saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid…
I would give this about a 10/12. </p>
<p>However, to someone reading the essay quickly, perhaps you could get lucky. I would advise you to give yourself opportunities to use precise vocabulary words that you can use in contexts that you know to be effective. Good luck. You have good examples, you just need to have a more fluent writing style.</p>
<p>Overall, I’d say about an 8/12, but that is without knowing the prompt. </p>
<p>You have a very nice style of writing, but with misplaced vocabulary, as has been mentioned. The Gatsby paragraph doesn’t apply very much. You use an example from a book from the 1920’s, when both your thesis and other body paragraph imply that you are going to talk about the modern day. Additionally, it isn’t mentioned in your thesis. You talk about how it is good to express oneself, but not to the extent that social media allows. This would make me believe that there would be a paragraph about how social media goes too far for sharing, with another paragraph countering this with your example, and a third stressing how far is too far. Although Gatsby could be used as an example of not sharing enough, you thesis doesn’t mention that you will use such an example. The paragraph about your personal situation is far and away the strongest. </p>
<p>In order to improve to the twelve, you unfortunately have to get formulaic. Have a thesis that clearly shows what each paragraph is going to be about; have topic sentences that clearly relate back to the thesis. I wouldn’t call this essay bad by any means, it just is a bit abstract, and doesn’t necessarily fulfill the criteria that either the ACT or SAT are looking for.</p>