<p>Yes, substance use was a BIG reason for the social deck to shuffle as high school started. Plus D was leaving the public school system, maintaining some old friendships, and making new connections. </p>
<p>Facebook has been a blessing for her, though GFG’s D hasn’t had the same positive experience. D keeps in touch with friends she has made in overseas music competitions & all kinds of programs in which she has participated. While it’s a long distance connection, sometimes the common interests make up for that. </p>
<p>GFG, what about connections she has made at sports camps? Has she exchanged any contact info with competitors at her state /regional /national meets?</p>
<p>D. is doing all she needs for college (shadowing doctors, volunteering) but spend all her free time with her HS friends of all ages. She will be a college sophmore in a fall. There is no difference between this summer and her HS summers.</p>
<p>I work with teens and young adults and even I was taken aback by how mean and manipulative a “Queen Bee” was with my D. At first I thought my D was being overly sensitive, but I eventually discovered that what she was feeling was true. </p>
<p>I am happy to report that her freshman year was terrific. I think her experiences in high school helped avoid girls who had the potential to be petty and she has found a lot of really wonderful friends. While she was home this summer, she checked in with one or two friends from her high school, both were actually a grade ahead of her, but otherwise, she has been content to just keep in contact with her college friends. </p>
<p>It’s funny. D has been really happy since she returned home from college, but if we meet someone from HS in the mall, she becomes far more inhibited and reserved. I think she likes the person she is now, and wants no reminders of the hurts and slights she received in HS.</p>
<p>OP, You could be describing my d’s HS. The top tier is pretty heavily weighted with Asian/Indian kids - and they are a very tight group. Many of them are not allowed to hang out with American kids. They have their own parties, etc. American kids who do really well are called Faux Asian. It makes it very difficult socially.</p>
<p>D1 has done okay with all this, d2 is having a tough time. Hopefully college will be better. That is one reason we wanted her to go to a good college, so that she wouldn’t be an outlier, but more of the norm.</p>
<p>And I agree with you - there seems to be 2 extremes - the very active, and the not all all. Hopfully college will be better.</p>
<p>Thanks, NorthEastMom2. We’re in NJ too, so it makes sense that you’d be seeing a similar phenomenon. S, who is 4 years older, experienced the same dynamic but as a boy and one who is happy with just a few close friends, it didn’t bother him as much as it does D. Funny you mention the Faux Asian label. S was dubbed an “honorary Asian”. It was made clear to him that they consider most Americans to be lazy and stupid, but since he was neither they accepted him. But I guess that acceptance was conditional because when he did not achieve a high enough score (as in 780-800) in the math section of the SAT, though he did get 800 on the verbal, he was shunned for a while. Hard to believe, but true. And yes, many but not all Asian parents think American kids will be a bad academic influence on their children and therefore don’t allow them to socialize with Americans. The prejudice is more on their end than on ours, since Americans view Asians very positively. Dating is also difficult for that reason. S was the only non-Asian in most of his classes, and so his GF ended up being an Asian. She hid it from her parents for a while and I doubt they’re very happy about it still. In another thread I talked about the day the GF’s mother interrogated me about my S’s academic credentials because she was worried he would cause her D to lose focus on her studies.</p>
<p>Of my 3 ds, the highest-achieving did make social sacrifices in hs but Id say that she wanted it that way. She had a small group of good friends in her main EC and another at school, but she also had 2 part-time jobs and a perfectionist mindset that didnt allow for many nights out. She didnt want to be a social butterfly her friends were kids like her (no substances), whod rather sacrifice parties for academic success than the other way around.</p>
<p>That changed freshman year in college. When her first-year GPA wasnt where she wanted it to be, she moderated the socializing and has now, as a senior, settled into a rewarding social life and still achieves the academic marks she sets for herself. So for some kids it just takes time to figure it all out.</p>
<p>I completely agree that alcohol and pot create a Great Divide, particularly in the first three years of high school. From what Ive observed, kids who drink/smoke pot cut themselves off from kids who dont (interesting that its not the other way around), and do so until senior year. At that time, the groups seem to mix more easily and accept each other more or so it seems to this old lady.</p>
<p>The right friends will find her. Be patient.</p>
<p>And remember that the most important human relationship in her life right now is with you and the rest of her family. If that one is good then that’s all that really matters. There’s a reason some of those popular outgoing kids are always going out - they’re out pursuing what they don’t have at home: acceptance, support, love.</p>
<p>Mamall, I think you are confusing popularity with being a “mean girl.” Some of the most popular teens around here have warm & wonderful homes that are open to their friends. These kids are raised to be confident and independent as well, and are very comfortable in new situations as they venture away from their parents. Going out without one’s family-- a lot – is normal & in fact necessary for teens to establish their own identities. </p>
<p>I certainly don’t think you have to be popular or outgoing to achieve happiness. Some hermits are extremely happy. But my 30 year class reunion disproves your theory.</p>
<p>Hi GFG!
We’ve had similar issues with our D1- now off to college this fall.</p>
<p>She had friends on the team, but most were not that interested in studying. The girls she was closest to were usually upper-classmen who graduated away from her. </p>
<p>She finally found her people during her junior year (don’t give up hope!) There were three other girls, with varied EC interests, and who were taking almost the same AP’s. They formed a study group and met probably 3 nights a week for study and socializing. This was a godsend. They met at each other’s houses, coffee shops, etc. For two years now, they’ve supported each other through their classes, college applications, first boyfriends, etc. The group grew to include other kids (usually boys!) from time to time.</p>
<p>All four girls were very good but not brilliant students. I would say what brought them together was ambition to do well academically their junior year, and to have fun at the same time. If your daughter will take a little advice, I would recommend that she keep her eyes open during the first couple of weeks of school for some other kids who are willing and interested in meeting to study. The kids who are over-the-top brilliant may not be interested in such a thing, but the next teir down sometimes figures out the social and educational benefits of banding together! </p>
<p>All four girls did well when it came time for admissions envelopes: 2 Ivies, 2 top-notch LAC’s that you’ve heard of. </p>
<p>Best wishes. I know it’s heartbreaking when you see your talented, sweet daughter all alone. There is someone nearby hoping to run in to someone just like her…</p>
<p>So true. Sometimes I think the main point of social events is for the girls to take dozens of pictures of themselves with their friends and post them on Facebook so everyone can see how popular they are and how much fun they are having. It’s especially true with semi-formal dances and Sweet 16’s, but also for general sleepovers, beach days/pool parties, etc.</p>
<p>What sort of a comment is that? Nerd = “Asian”??? Asian kids are not smarter, they just work harder. The problem with “American” kids is not that they are stupid, but rather that they have stupid parents who allow them to be lazy.</p>
<p>The harsh comments will probably offend a lot of people, but seeming so many people trying to make excuses for their kids rather than facing the music ****es me off. No I am not Asian, in case you are wondering.</p>
<p>GroovyGeek, I’m not describing my point of view, but rather the point of view of the American teens at D’s high school. Personally, I have not allowed my children to slack off and be lazy. On this thread I am expressing that a negative consquence of their academic diligence is social exclusion. Asians have a cultural background which supports lots of extra studying, tutoring, classes on Saturdays, etc. That is the norm, it’s what mostly all Asian parents expect, and so Asian kids can be smart, work hard and still fit in well with their peers. American kids have grown up with the concept that they are also to be athletic, social, and have a balanced childhood which includes plenty of time for play. An American kid can never be cool if he studies too much. That’s not an excuse, and I’m not a fan of that viewpoint, but nevertheless it IS a valid cultural explanation. The label “nerd” speaks to that cultural prejudice; it’s not a word I invented, for Pete’s sake, and I didn’t even use it in the sentences you quoted!</p>
<p>I really think the main thing to remember as a parent when kids go through rough patches with their high school social lives is that it just isn’t that important. It can certainly be painful, but it does not presage anything bad in terms of the social life in the future at college. I think empathy is called for when your child goes through that but also keeping a sense of perspective. There are lots of “mean girls” out there. And lots of envy of kids who excel. Ironically, the very high achieving kids are often so modest that they can’t believe the problem is that they are the object of envy. </p>
<p>Again, the real relationship that matters during these years is the one between the student and her family, followed by the student and her teachers. Then the social life among peers. It’s just really, really not that important. </p>
<p>My daughter found that when she got too busy to care about it, she became much more in demand socially. Actually, one of her challenges during the second half of high school was handling the demands of her BF and friends. They can take a lot of time and energy! It all worked out in the end. But there’s a flip side to everything.</p>
<p>She has told me that she is looking forward to attending college this fall where she knows virtually no one.</p>
<p>This is not necessarily true in academic magnet schools, which is one of the things that justifies their existence.</p>
<p>My daughter was in a magnet program, and she often had to say no to social activities in order to keep up with her schoolwork. But in the magnet environment (and, I guess I have to say, in her particular social circle, which was about half Asian), this didn’t make her a pariah. At a regular high school, it might have.</p>
<p>Therapy: have someone who has recently gone to their high school reunion share some insights. </p>
<p>My sister-in-law and I inadvertantly had a long and hysterical conversation about recent reunions in front of my daughters. They were very intrigued by the way things turned out for various old classmates. While I try to steer away from cliches and generalities, it was pretty clear that the kids who were geeks, nerds, late bloomers, and so on, had fared pretty well 30 years later. This seemed to bring some comfort to my girls.</p>
<p>It may be a NJ issue only, but I totally get what GFG is saying. Locally, the “American” parents seem to be anti-achievement, at least in the academic area. My son is attending CTY, and my “American” friends think that I am pushing him relentlessly. They feel sorry for him - even though he brought me the brochure, initiated the conversation, etc. My S even tells his friends that he’s going to Nerd Camp. The “Asian” kids totally get it, and - to be fair - some of the “American” kids are okay with it. He is an “honorary Asian” - and that is their phrase, not mine.</p>
<p>At the HS, some of the teachers are very clear in their expectations that the “Asian” students will do better, because they are smarter. Yes, we really have teachers who will verbalize this sentiment in front of a class. (Wish my d had a tape recorder for all the times she has heard this !!)</p>
<p>Why it is this way is a whole different thread. But there are social consequences, and some “American” kids handle the situation better than others, and it may just depend on their peer group that year, or on individual personalities. But as a parent, it is really tough to feel like you are swimming against the stream when you are encouraging academic success and hard work.</p>
<p>My daughter was also an honorary Asian, NorthEastMom2. I think the term the kids used was lemon cookie (white on the outside, yellow on the inside – this is their usage, not mine).</p>
<p>But I don’t remember anyone ever referring to kids who weren’t “Asian” as “American.” They might have been called white or black or Hispanic, but not “American.” After all, the Asian kids were Americans, too.</p>
<p>Maybe this is a regional difference. In Maryland, a lot of the Asian-American kids were born in the United States.</p>
<p>Through out high school, all of my daughter’s friends assumed things just came easily to her. She was admitted to various ballet programs, and always maintained As in her classes. But they didn’t see all the hardwork she put into those things. At the end of her junior year, she was selected by the faculty to the two most prestigious organizations at her school. I think that was the last straw for her friends.</p>
<p>Her friends, lead by a ring leader, decided to exclude my daughter from all of their summer activities before the senior year. No one responded to her Facebook messages the whole summer. She also saw all the parties she was missing on the Facebook. It was very painful to watch(she checked her Facebook every few hours). I was really wondering how she was going to make it through the senior year. My stomach was in knots the first day of school. Til this day I don’t know how she did it, but she just marched up to all of her so called friends and hugged them, pretended she didn’t notice no one spoke to her the whole summer. I think some of them felt ashamed and some of them realized how much they’ve missed her. In a week she was back in with all of them again. The ring leader just pretended she had nothing to do with it.</p>
<p>I have asked her how she felt about her friends after the episode. She said, “I did what I had to do in order to end my high school career well, but I know what kind of friends they are.” Two years later, she still has never spoken to her friends about that summer.</p>
<p>Yes, our daughter’s “so called success” has caused some social problems for her. My kids are half Chinese. Following our tradition, a lot is expect of her. But I see just as many white, black kids working just as hard at her school now. As a matter of fact, Asians do not have the highest GPAs and do not go to the highest ranking schools.</p>
<p>No Social Problems for my D., no “Queen Bee” at our HS school either. It looks like it depends on school. A lot of friends at college (some visited over summer), but D is still much closer to her HS friends (whole tons of them).</p>