Ivy League vs Community College?

Parent Cafe
1

(sorry for the long and rambling post)

So I am currently a high school senior in Florida and already received all my decisions for the schools I applied to. I was accepted to Johns Hopkins, UPenn, Brown (waitlisted at Harvard), and several state schools that are far away from where I live. I received the best aid from Johns Hopkins and UPenn, where I basically only have to pay transportation costs, or get it covered by doing work study. If I can get a job over the summer, I can pay for my transportation. However, my parents want me to go to the local community college, which I am just going to say is Miami Dade College. My mom went there about three/four years ago and she didn’t have to pay for tuition (I don’t think she paid for books either) because of FA, so my parents want me to go there for that reason as well as the fact that I will be close. However, I do not want to go a local school because of my dad. He is really strict and thinks that every school in is the same, and he’s also very degrading, which is why I actually have low self-esteem. When I showed him my acceptance package from Brown and told him the school was in Rhode Island, he just closed the package and threw it across the room, and told me that I wasn’t going anywhere. He says, “If I even try to leave, don’t bother trying to come back to this house.” My mom tells me to just suck it up and hope that after finishing at MDC that I will be able to leave and go somewhere else for graduate school, which I know will not happen. She says it is because he wants to protect me. I kind of regret bothering to apply to these top schools if I just wasn’t going to have a chance at attending, especially if they want me to be a doctor. I try to talk to my dad about this, but he never listens to me and always shuts me down.

While I have seen several threads on CC about this, I feel like the biggest difference between those situations and mine is the fact that my parents never put a cent towards saving for my education. I guess they figured that since I have top grades, I would be able to get scholarships easily to pay for education, in addition to the fact that my mom basically went to MDC for free. No offense to MDC, but I feel like I wasted all the hard work on my grades, test scores, and the extracurriculars (that my parents didn’t want me doing) if I was just going there. On top of that, they would only let me go to one campus, which is probably the worst one out of all the campuses. I have taken dual enrollment classes there, and I didn’t really like it, while everyone else at my school tries to avoid that campus and take classes elsewhere. On top of that, I want to take classes in Japanese and art (possibly minor in them) and it is difficult to find those courses. In the past few years of taking dual enrollment, I have only seen one Japanese class available and it was at the campus my parents won’t take me to.

I would leave if it was only my dad, but I really care about my mom and siblings, and I don’t know what to do without feeling guilty of my actions. My mom keeps saying that to appreciate the time I have with my family, and that I have the rest of my life to go to the school I want, but I feel like I won’t be able to achieve the goal of being a doctor by going to MDC. I already lost so many opportunities in middle and high school because of my dad (like internships, chances to go to regional science fairs, and state competitions because he refused to take me anywhere but school) and I know that if I stay at MDC, those options won’t be available either.

If anyone has any suggestions, please help. I really want to solve this problem before May 1st, since that is when the reply form is due for these schools. My friends and some of my teachers are telling me to just leave, but I really don’t want to do that to my mom. My dad holds grudges for years, so I know that if I leave, he won’t get over it. Once again, sorry for making this really long, but any help would really be appreciated!

2

You probably can’t just leave. There’s paperwork parents have to cooperate with. I think your best bet is to find an adult in your community who could help get your parent’s to change your mind. A clergy person perhaps?

3

If you stay you’ll likely regret it and resent it. I’m with those who say, “just leave.”

Here’s what I would do: write a letter to your mom and a similar letter to your dad. (If each gets their own letter it’ll increase the odds it’ll be read!) Tell them you love them. Tell them you’re committed to the family. Tell them you’re grateful for everything they have done for you, and for the examples they’ve set. Tell them that you hope to be a similarly loving parent to your own kids.

Then tell them about the hard work you have put into your education. That it’s been recognized by top universities in the country (and the world: Johns Hopkins has an international reputation.) That the most elite schools in the country are offering you a FULL RIDE. That these schools also offer unparalleled opportunities to study and work with the top students and faculty in the world. That this has been your dream and that you feel it’s essential for you to take advantage of these amazing offers.

Tell them you understand they will be pained by you leaving, and that you will do everything possible to keep in close contact with them. (Totally possible with the internet!) That you will remain a dutiful and respectful child despite living away from home.

Once your parents have time to digest this & really take it in, they may come around. Most do. If they don’t, well your relationship was likely to sour anyway, since they are either culturally very different from the norm (are they immigrants?) or very controlling. Neither is a good recipe for a happy family life.

Wishing you the best at these among-the-very-best universities.

4

Could your high school’s guidance counselor help you, perhaps by meeting with you and your parents to discuss your options? Does your school have a social worker that could help mediate a discussion with your parents?

5

With all due respect, I hope your story is true. Recently, I’ve seen quite a few make-up stories that several kind posters here took time and thoughts into answering them for nothing.

From you handle name, I assume you are a girl. That’d could be one of the big reasons why your father is extremely protective. I agree with @mathmom about finding someone your parents trust and/or respect to speak with them to convince them to let you go to JHU. What about a priest, a pastor, a school principal, etc.

I am in the camp of leaving against your father’s will. However, I hope there would be a way to help change your father’s mind (even grudgingly) between now and May 1. All the best.

6

OP, you have done a magnificent job at being a top student and gaining admissions to some great schools. It is all so cultural and family centric.

I had a patient who I helped get a job as a flight attendant so she had a legitimate reason to move away from home.

My PT went to UF, then Nova for her PhD. She lived with her sister there. UF was by far her best option formUG, but still an option her father didn’t like.

I love the suggestions above, to have GC and or teachers talk to your parents about your choices. Please, you’ve earned these colleges, so go.

7

@Animegirl2018

Try not to equate going away to JH or UPenn as abandoning your siblings and your mother. No good will come of this line of thinking.

You have a chance to go to a school that, if you work very hard, could swing doors open for you and dramatically change the trajectory of your life (and allow you to help your mother and siblings more in the big picture).

This is a complicated situation. It’s completely understandable that you have a lot of conflicted feelings.

To my thinking, you need good counsel from knowledgeable adults. In particular you need to know if you can take advantage of either of the full ride offers with parents who might not cooperate now and might not cooperate in the future (signing documents, FAFSA, health insurance, etc). That is key.

8

I am sorry for your circumstances! You don’t get admitted to schools like you have without working incredibly hard.
To be able to attend these schools for near nothing is such an amazing opportunity.
I’m sorry you don’t have your parents support. In my opinion they should be so proud and want you to have these great opportunities.
Best Wishes!

9

Thank you everyone for your comments.

@katliamom My mom was supportive in the beginning (sometimes she says stop stressing about apps and go to MDC, other times she offers her supports), but ever since the incident with Brown acceptance package, she told me hope for better in the future. Both are immigrants, but my dad is the controlling one.

@rphcfb I am a girl, and that probably is a reason why he is like this, but won’t explicitly tell me that. I guess that got worse after the recent shooting that happened in Parkland. My guidance counselor and some teachers know that my parents don’t want me leaving, and I was somewhat afraid of the consequences of asking them to talk to my parents. My dad has a motto of not involving anyone in the family business, but tomorrow I plan to ask my GC to talk to him. I don’t want to procrastinate on this anymore.

@Midwest67 Thank you for bringing up the point about the full-ride. I know that for FAFSA, you could use the IRS return to get the information uploaded, but I don’t know about the CSS Profile, which requires the documents to be uploaded. I will also ask my GC about this tomorrow in school.

10

If true this is a life changing moment. UPenn and Johns Hopkins are top schools, as is Brown (I gather Brown’s aid is not equivalent). You have almost a full ride at those first two schools. The CSS profile needs to be signed by parents. Perhaps there is another way.

It sounds like either your parents are not knowledgeable about colleges, or they do not believe in the advancement of daughters. Is this cultural?

Please do anything you can to go to one of these schools. Don’t believe it when people tell you you can go anywhere. And I am not referring to prestige or future career prospects, I am referring to the experience itself of being with the kinds of faculty, peers and resources you will find at these universities.

11

Did the parents DO the Profile for this year already…they must have for the finaid award to be given.

Check to see…some schools don’t require the Profile in subsequent years. I don’t know about JHU or Penn.

12

Even if they don’t require the profile in subsequent years, the FAFSA will need to be done yearly. The parents need to be brought on board. A school guidance counselor would be a good adult to ask for help.

13

If it is a cultural difference, would your father be willing to let you attend an all female college such as Byrn Mawr, Mount Holyoke, Smith or Scripps ?

14

@Publisher

How does suggesting women’s colleges help this poster now? She didn’t apply to any women’s colleges…but she has acceptances with sufficient aid at JHU and Penn.

15

Trying to get a handle on the issue.

Plus, she can take a gap year & reapply.

16

Anyone, would contacting the colleges JHU or Penn be helpful for the OP? What a shame if the father stands in this young woman’s way.

17

This is a family situation. We do not know the reason for the father’s stance.

18

^ the OP contacting the colleges, if that wasn’t clear.

19

Sure if regarding an option for a gap year & the effect it would have on financial aid award (probably lost & reapply).

Again, the basis for the father’s stance is not clear. At some point he would have had to sign financial aid forms–if so, makes it confusing.

20

Maturing, transitioning to independence, and developing your potential to its maximum is not abandoning your family. Those are your responsibilities! Letting family pathology inhibit your development will not save your family from itself- it will just keep you mired in the family drama. It might not feel good at first, since dealing with your family is all you know, and it is not fair, but it’s time to assert yourself.

Imagine if you were a quarterback on your high school football team and you got a full ride to Alabama or could walk-on at your hometown community college. Nobody could ask which to decide with a straight face. Of course, Alabama! And for you, taking one of your full ride scholarships is an obvious choice.