<p>We got a lot more pushback from people when we chose to send our kids to a private high school. Our public is considered one of the best in the state (which isn’t saying much, imo). Having been a public school teacher, having gone to our public high school myself, and having been an active volunteer in our middle school, I had seen a lot I didn’t like, and I just felt the private offered more to both of my kids, and it was worth the expense for us. And when people asked, that’s exactly what I said. " We like it better for our kids. "
A lot of students in our area go to private colleges, even though we have very good flagships as well as good state universities, overall. We never heard, “Why don’t you just go to UCLA.” First of all, it’s not that easy to get in, certainly no guarantee. Secondly, USC is just as popular and gives out a lot of money to top students, so the idea of a private college isn’t seen as a negative, necessarily. If anything, people questioned the idea of a small,less well known private vs a big name school like USC. But not often. I think a lot of views-positive and negative- are regional.</p>
<p>I think when people from a small city with a less-than-top flagship hear others are venturing far from home, some take it as a criticism of their home and place, as well as just the school. “What’s wrong with Littletown X? It’s good enough for us. Are you saying your kids are better than the rest of us?”</p>
<p>Choosing to interject it into THIS conversation is a slap in the face to every parent here who either was a SAHP or who dialed back their career in order to spend time with their children and yes, MAKE the Halloween costumes and the cookies. (And volunteer in the classroom with which benefited EVERY kid in that class, including many with two parents “working.”) I’ve been on both sides of this, and I hate it.</p>
<p>In otherwords, Joe’s wife said something dumb and potentially offensive/demeaning/hurtful to the OP. That was wrong. Two wrongs don’t make a right.</p>
<p>Consolation, while I understand what you are saying (and really hate the mommy wars), I think in this case the OP’s friend set herself up by saying “Joe and I think…” As intparent says, she does sound like someone out of the 50s who doesn’t think for herself. For all we know she secretly wishes her kids had more options, but because of the choices she and Joe made two decades ago, those options are closed off now.</p>
<p>For most people both of these extremes are luxuries–being a stay-at-home parent OR affording $50k or more for college. Basically, Hoggirl and her friend are seeing their choices come to fruition in different ways, and for whatever reason Ms. Joe seems to have gone on the attack.</p>
<p>Agree with Consolation, about two wrongs. Why add fuel to the fire, when what she said was clumsy and any comeback type response just adds the same? And I am not sure how much we can really read into “Joe and I.” Would the confusion and assumptions about the comment truly be less if she had said “I think it’s stupid?” OP took offense. It’s within her control to not assume it was about her own choices- at some point, I think she posted she isn’t sure.</p>
<p>I don’t think the OP has any intention of coming back with a snarky comment about Joe’s wife’s choices. Not would I. I respect people who choose to stay home or dial back their careers to allow more time with their kids. And if not for all the parents who are able to do that, a lot of schools would not be able to offer so many enriching experiences for all of our kids (since so many rely on the hard work of volunteers). </p>
<p>Maybe I was just sensitive to the “Joe and I” phrasing because I know a few women right now who gave up careers to be home for the past two decades, and now that their kids are out of the house they are struggling to find purpose in their days. Plus in a few cases the husbands are leaving them for younger models. So their aelf-esteem is lacking, and they are questioning whether they should have made the choices they did–even though their kids have turned out great. Sometimes when people feel insecure they lash out. That is all I was trying to say.</p>
<p>The spouse and I are a two-career couple and I’d definitely use “the spouse and I” when talking about any big-money decision that we’ve got to make jointly, like college for the kids or buying a house.</p>
<p>If we get to a point where “we” isn’t politically correct for a couple, we will be in a heap o’ trouble. In my family, “spouse and I” have shared many opinions.</p>
<p>It might bother me more if she was a totally dependent and gave credit for every decision, opinion or influence to the spouse and never seemed to have any independent ideas or drives. That would seem old-fashioned. “Spouse” said we could do this. Spouse is letting me-</p>
You hit the nail on the head, Moonchild! I grew up in that town and went to that college, along with 90 percent of my graduating class. And it filtered down to the next generation: my parents and BIL and his wife were all appalled that S1 was even considering going anywhere but my alma mater. He actually ended up there and it’s a great fit, but he looked at other places and made an informed choice. S2 is considering a small church-affiliated LAC about three hours away and I expected the same reaction, but haven’t gotten it yet.
I’ve noticed, too, that among my friends still living in my hometown, most of them have sent their kids away to college.</p>
<p>My husband says “we” all the time, even when he is talking about the stupid turkeys that he raised in our home against my objections. “We let the turkeys come into the kitchen”. Trust me, there was no “we” when it came to anything to do with these turkeys. But I think he does it because he actually like to be part of a “we”.</p>
<p>I find myself mostly using “I” and “he/you” . Sigh.</p>
<p>Dear God, I will never try to write on my iPhone again. Between my failing vision and the tiny screen, I didn’t even see all the typos in my last message. Lesson learned.</p>
<p>tptshorty, I do sometimes forget about the royal “we,” as in “did WE pay the Visa bill this month?” I can only imagine how that would backfire in the case of free-range turkeys in the house. :)</p>
<p>Yes, Moonchild is correct. I do think there is backlash about leaving town and not just going to our flagship. My dh went there (not from here originally, though), as did fil and my dad. Not getting the backlash from family, however. Ds would be perfectly happy here in the Honors College, I am sure. Obviously, it is one of his safeties (along with two other state schools that offer generous merit $). But I do think some of the kids feel like staying here is the equivalent of grade 13.</p>
<p>Some of the CO kids that go elsewhere end up transferring back home to CU (or CSU) after a year or two. I’ve heard other parents scoff about it being a waste to start at the pricier school and return. My thought is that it can be a good learning experience to be far away, whether one year or four. </p>
<p>Some advise to parents justifying their choice to friends … know that there is a small chance that Plan A does not complete as expected. Even if state flagship is not the ideal choice today, it may be Plan B in the future. Keep an upbeat attitude on all the options.</p>
<p>Wow, all these posts on this thread. It’s the “stupid” part that is inflammatory here. A lot of people have a lot of different opinions on life choices, and when one uses words with mean spirited connotations, that’s when you raise hackles. </p>
<p>Plenty of people, after looking at the numbers decide that paying over $X for undergrad is not a good idea. But that’s for themselves. and part of a decision process that we all undergo in make our life choices. .</p>
I knew a lot of those kids in college too. But it doesn’t have to be that way - you just need to make more of an effort to be involved on campus than the kids in the dorms do. For me, going Greek was the answer. For a co-worker, it was a religious group. But you have to put yourself out there. Groups don’t come looking for you.</p>
<p>How about this response to the original comment: “Well, it is something of a luxury item, but like any luxury, if you like it enough, and you can afford it, you go ahead and buy it.”</p>