<p>“I aappreciate your concern, but I’m pleased with the way I’m handling things”.</p>
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<p>I don’t know how many times I’ve said this to DW with respect to our kids (when the time comes), but she doesn’t see anything idiotic about it. I think it’s more about keeping up with the Joneses (or for us, maybe the Patels or the Guptas).</p>
<p>Smile and nod. It probably was meant to say it would be stupid for them. </p>
<p>The issue I have is warning families that ask about college planning how expensive it is…even the state flagship is too much for some of them. Privates can be even more (not always). I’d like to warn them without admitting how much we spend on college.</p>
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<p>O, the irony. You do see that you just did precisely the same thing yourself, don’t you? Or were you joking?</p>
<p>Yes, I was wondering the same thing… ouch.</p>
<p>I sent my kid to a private elementary school. We carpooled with 3 other families in the neighborhood. Their kids were all going to the best private MS/HS in the area, and they wanted me to let my son go there too. I heard about all the special programs there, and the school itself looked like a small, gorgeous college.</p>
<p>My response was I could not do that and save for college. This was a one time conversation, and I continued to be friends with the moms. One of these moms was the interviewer for Harvard, and she took the time to read over essays and do a mock interview (6 years later). When my son got into one of his favorite colleges, several of these people came by for my pizza party.</p>
<p>Nobody ever asked me why I was paying for a private college. By then, it was clear to anyone who knew the worm that he would fit into a tech school.</p>
<p>I got the flip side of this at the middle/high school level. A now former friend decided to send her daughter to a private school (K-12) that I think I actually suggested to her. It’s a great school. The daughter thrived so my friend sent her younger son as well. She then told me I should send my daughter. Well, at the time my daughter was attending a different, less expensive private school. I told my friend we couldn’t afford that wonderful private school - it cost more than twice the current school’s tuition. I got something along the lines of “If you really love your child, you would find a way. The school is really worth it.”. Well, no. ugh.</p>
<p>As for the pledge of allegiance, I knew people had gone over the edge when at the start of a meeting, they insisted we face the locked door of an office that had the American flag inside and recite the pledge. I refused and got patriotic !#=/ from some guy.</p>
<p>I would say, “Yeah it’s nice to be stupid but rich”.</p>
<p>All I know is that because my child chose to attend top state flagship honors program instead of private top 10 national, we are paying his expenses off the annual earnings of his 529 so far with hardly any depletion. He will have enough left to fund graduate or professional school instead of a zero balance 529 and taking out six figures of loans. He drove a beat up car in high school as that was all we could afford, while some of his friends drove BMW’s, Porsches, and Range Rovers. At college, he is one of the few with a car at all. We flew economy class while he flew private jets with friends to look at colleges. One person pays for Brown, another buys a Birkin bag. Neither are necessarily stupid, though both could be.</p>
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<p>Exactly!!!</p>
<p>Sometimes I look around my Los Angeles neighborhood and see all the McMansions being put up (easily 6000 sq feet and more) with swimming pools that no one uses, empty tennis courts, even a never-used baseball diamond, beautiful kitchens that no one cooks in, etc etc, and wonder, “where do these people get all their money?” I do not know. Haven’t figured it out. They can afford to send their kids anywhere. Those of us in the original 2000-sq foot ranch houses have to include finances in our college decisions. Not complaining, though. There’s a lot of drug use and psychological problems that go along with all that money.</p>
<p>In fairness to the folks in 6,000 sq. feet houses, drug use and psychological problems exist in every economic class. I too wonder sometimes where people get their money, and I wonder at what they choose to do with it. I think that statements like “Joe and I think it’s stupid to spend $50K on college tuition” fascinate us, at least in part, because we’re primates trying to figure out where we stand in the order of things. And unlike in the rain forest, for humans there’s no very clear way of knowing.</p>
<p>OP, living in a college flagship town and choosing to send your child elsewhere will ALWAYS elicit that reaction. There is going to be defensiveness about why it isn’t “good enough,” since a lot of people you know either work there, have businesses that benefit from the presence of the university, or send their kids there themselves. Maybe take another approach and say, “It’s important to us to give Johnny a different perspective on the world than he’s had growing up in Flagshipville. We’re paying for his life experiences as well as his education, and we think colleges in other parts of the country might help achieve that goal.”</p>
<p>Reading this with interest – This morning our phone rang and I could tell from the number that it was my MIL and that she would want to speak with my husband. There’s one problem, however. THis morning he got on a plane with my son to look at a private college in another part of the country! (We’re planning on using GI Bill money to pay for it, but didn’t tell her that.) </p>
<p>I chose not to answer the phone rather than have to tell my MIL where my husband and son were – and to have to defend myself against her accusations that I am “wasting my husband’s money” – even though I earn half the household income. She thinks everyone should live at home and go to the OK State University branch that’s in the next town over. </p>
<p>Our response when people rebuke us for our ‘lavish lifestyle’ which includes private colleges (along with driving a used minivan with 120,000 K on it) is: “Well, that’s why we work so hard.” I’m uncomfortable with letting people think that we’ve won the lottery or that we’re “lucky” because we have two great jobs. We have worked very hard for everything that we have, and if I choose to use my hard earned money to spend on private music lessons for my kids, summer camps, private high school, etc. that’s no one else’s business. I am curious, however, as to whether the OP’s “friend” was currently employed herself. Because she may be feeling guilty that she spent 18 years making craft projects for Halloween and baking cookies, and now is realizing that if she had worked hard herself during that time, she might be able to contribute more to her child’s college. fund.</p>
<p>It is not my business if someone else chooses to spend on a large house, a fancy car an expensive college or whatever. It’s also not for me to judge or make rude remarks about. And it is no one else’s business how H and I spend our money. I just do not want to hear other people make comments on something that is not their concern. I do not owe anyone an apology or an explanation as to how we afford to send our kids to college.</p>
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<p>Do we really need to go there? Demeaning other people’s choices in life? Another episode of the Mommy Wars?</p>
<p>Please.</p>
<p>Hmm, I was just thinking that Momzie hit upon the most likely explanation of all… I might not have phrased it that way, but it is definitely a consequence of choosing not to work that your kids’ college fund will not be as robust unless your spouse is a really high powered earner. I wouldn’t demean someone for making that choice, but it also is uncalled for that “Joe’s wife” demeans the choices of those who may have chosen to work partly to be able to fund top colleges for their kids. To pretend that those things are not related would be incorrect.</p>
<p>See, Fallgirl, that’s what kind of gets to me. For some reason it seems more socially acceptable to criticize someone for spending a lot of money on a college choice than on one’s house, car, etc. People might THINK it’s stupid to buy a McMansion or a luxury car, but I don’t think they typically say it to your face. Usually they tell you how lovely it is! </p>
<p>We live well below our means which is part of the reason we have been able to save as we have. However, it doesn’t bother me if people choose to spend lots of money on houses, second homes, cars, whatever. That’s their choice. I really don’t care what other people do with their money. And, I don’t begrudge anyone for having nice things. But somehow I think people are begrudging/resentful/something to us because we have positioned ourselves to send ds anywhere he can get in. He may not choose to go somewhere expensive, but he can. Sometimes I wonder if it is guilt over having spent all that money on things for <em>themselves</em>. I certainly don’t do without, and I like my retail therapy! But I’m not crazy about it, kwim? ;)</p>
<p>Joe’s wife does not work.</p>
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<p>I completely agree. And I can’t imagine anyone saying for example "Fallgirl, It’s nice that you remodeled your kitchen/took your family to Europe/bought that car but you will be paying for those loans for several years. 
For some reason people feel it is OK to assume that you took out large loans for college (whether you did or not) and comment on that.</p>