<p>Hi, this is a question from a student to parents, just to get a different perspective (and possibly some advice from personal experiences)</p>
<p>I have been in a pretty serious relationship for about 5 months now and I think she is a really great girl (I'm on good terms with her parents), we took things slow and steady unlike the common high school relationship, filled with infatuation. If we happened to end up at opposite ends of the nation for college (which we dreaded), we felt it would be best to seperate and go on our own ways. However, we both decided to attend the same college (our relationship did not affect our decision, it was the best college both of us were individually accepted into - UC Berkeley). Now, this may seem like such a fortunate thing but I just can't help but think that heading into college, especially a public school such as UCB, may hinder the college experience and possibly create an unstable foundation as an individual. I brought up the idea of seperating for college and some of my rationale was that it may be best to become grounded, adapt to the college environment first, and get a good idea of the social dynamic of college before committing to our relationship (maybe 2 or 3 years in). Some of my fears include the chance of things not working out 2 or 3 years into college, and it leaves us both in the dark (we didn't take the initiative to meet new people/date the first few years, and now we are "socially" left in the dust), or perhaps not seeing each other that often in college and it becomes similar to a long distance relationship [very possible. it will be very different than high school, where we see each other daily]. 5 months may seem a solid amount of time for our relationship, but I don't think it is strong enough to compare to those who have been together for over a year/2. Although there is nothing wrong with our relationship at this point, (it may be naive to think this, but I have honestly pictured myself marrying this girl in 10 years... probably just a clouded fantasy) and the reason why I was considering seperating was because it would be better for both of us individually to experience at least the first few years of college individually and allowing ourselves to grow independently, meet new people, and go from there.</p>
<p>I'm sorry if I may sound confused/paranoid/irrational, but I thought about it for the first time last week and it just keeps bothering me. I am interested in hearing from anyone, and maybe some personal stories as well! (Also, if you would like to share with me through PM, you are very welcome to!)</p>
<p>You certainly don't sound confused/paranoid/irrational to me. You sound like a good guy with a good head on your shoulders. Congrats on both you and your girlfriend getting into UC-Berkeley; that's quite an accomplishment into itself.</p>
<p>I have no real "advice" so to speak, other than my daughter and her boyfriend are in the same situation. They've been dating since mid-June. Both are great kids and will graduate at the top of their class. They have taken the relationship very s-l-o-w-l-y, which was smart. Both may end up at the same university, although my daughter has some other options that will take her across the country (to either coast) if she so decides. Boyfriend is on a waitlist at an Ivy, so his plans could change as well.</p>
<p>They have decided that it would be best if they started out at college as "singles" and got used to all aspects of college life-academically, socially and emotionally. The "plan" is to break up fairly early this summer and spend time with all of their friends as well as each other, but not exclusively each other. Their attitude is "Who knows what's going to happen down the road? If it's meant to be, it will be." </p>
<p>Now I know from experience that this "breakup" is going to be heartbreaking for both of them and I personally think that this breakup won't happen as early as they say it will, but hey, I'm only a parent - what do I know?!? (poking fun at myself) </p>
<p>But I think that they (and you and your girlfriend) are being very smart about it all because for most people, starting college is stressful enough without adding a dating relationship into the mix at first. Especially if you want to remain friends as well, no matter what happens down the road.</p>
<p>You may grow together, you may grow apart - but - you will GROW and change. So will she. Just don't sweat it (easy for me to say, huh?) and concentrate on being close friends, at least for awhile until you can sort it all out as you move away from home and the familiar for the first time.</p>
<p>Best wishes. I hope I didn't sound too preachy or condescending. That wasn't my intent!</p>
<p>Thank you very much for the insightful response,
another question may be - since there is virtually nothing "wrong" with our relationship at this point, would it be unwise to seperate for the sole purpose of entering college? (in response to the argument of "why not just try to see if things will work out?") I want to make a decision I will not regret (both sides). I know the odds are against high school relationships lasting 4 years through college, and it probably would be a gamble that could leave us very hurt in many aspects of our lives. How much would I be risking if I just "tried to see if it works, and hope for the best"?</p>
<p>I realized I sound very doubtful of our relationship at this point (which is not the case, and if so, would be another issue). I want to restate that my girlfriend and I are very happy together, and it definitely would be extremely hard if we come to the decision of seperating - but only if it is the best thing for both of us.</p>
<p>You are smart to be thinking about this, but have you talked to her?</p>
<p>5 months is not a very long time. If you were my son, I would like you to be able to leave for school without the added burden of worrying about someone else, and someone else's feelings.
This is the time of life when you should be thinking about what's best for you - deciding who you will become. Having a significant other makes that more difficult. In some ways, the more you care about the person, the harder this would be.</p>
<p>But..that said, without knowing what she thinks about the situation, it's very hard to give advice. How you should handle it would depend on where her head is.</p>
<p>See what I mean? It's hard to act independently when you're in a meaningful relationship. That's the way it should be of course, or the relationship wouldn't be important.
Talk to her. Keep an open mind and heart, and be honest. It's all you can do.</p>
<p>First of all, you aren't alone, and I don't think that there is any one RIGHT answer to this situation, and you should take any advice you get in a forum like this with a certain grain of salt, because you can find an anecdote to suit all permutations.</p>
<p>How much will you see her? Are you majoring in the same thing, for instance? Or staying in close dorms? Remaining in touch and friendly while being open to other people and new experiences is what most of us would want for our own children in this situation, but that can be a tall order to put into practice. </p>
<p>ASAP is right, the first thing to do is have a heart-to-heart with her about this.</p>
<p>If you've got a good thing going, why break it up because of what "might" happen?</p>
<p>I don't see why it is necessarily the case that being a couple will hinder you socially -- unless that is already the nature of the relationship, ie, the two of you are joined at the hip and neither will permit the other to do anything on his/her own.</p>
<p>In my view, a strong relationship only possible when each individual is strong enough to stand on his/her own.</p>
<p>If you each have your own interests, look forward to meeting new people and having new experiences - both alone and together - you won't use each other as a crutch as you begin college. </p>
<p>I'd say give the relationship a chance and see what happens.</p>
<p>How is attending college already having a girlfriend different from attending college and meeting someone the first few weeks and becoming a couple??? I don't see the difference! No one should break up because they might break up later! If you care for each other and allow each other the space to grow and change, then there is no downside...</p>
<p>Quasi, my daughter and her boyfriend decided to stay together when he went to the opposite coast for college last year, and this has worked out for them - but every single couple other than them, among their friends who graduated last year, has since broken up. So they are the exception rather than the rule.</p>
<p>I would recommend that you choose different housing options from your girlfriend so that you do not live too close to another. Berkeley is a big campus and some of the dorms are located quite far from the main campus, so its not at all hard to arrange. </p>
<p>Then the two of you should really just see how things go -- if you want to try to stay together, at least agree on some shared expectations and boundaries about how much time you will spend together, so that you will both have a chance to make new friends and explore new activities. As long as you don't try to stay glued at the hip on campus, you should find that you can maintain a relationship without sacrificing college life -- but also have the room to move away from the relationship if life takes you that way. Just make sure that you are each very clear as to your expectations.</p>
<p>I know a fair amount of people who went to the same schools or schools nearby and broke up for that reason. I think every one of them was happy with the decision later on, as tough as it was at the time.</p>
<p>Hate to tell you, but it's probably not meant to be. The chances of y'all ending up together - and not divorcing - are absolutely miniscule. Now, I don't think that all dating should lead to wedlock, because there is a great deal to be gained from learning about yourself, learning about relationships, and being with another person. Don't ask yourself "If it's meant to be;" ask yourself if it's worth it to for someone who is sweet, funny, smart - but not the girl that you'll likely marry.</p>
<p>I am one of the minority who actually married the high school sweetheart. At my alma mater, there weren't a lot of us who did that. At my H's school, they actually call it the 2% Club. We went to different schools, about 8 hours apart and saw each other once or twice a month during the AY. In the summer, obviously it was more.</p>
<p>"No one should break up because they might break up later! If you care for each other and allow each other the space to grow and change, then there is no downside..."</p>
<p>I agree. Moreover, I think a good supportive and stable relationship can take a lot of stress and drama out of the first few hiper and over-sexed months of freshman "campus experience". But it can work only if you have a lot of trust for each other, and are willing to give each other a lot of space for other (non-romantic) relationships in college.</p>
<p>I stuck with my high school girlfriend through 2 years of high school and 4 years of college. We're still going strong.</p>
<p>If it weren't for our damned destitution, I'd consider getting engaged. But, then again, what's the rush? I've got years to worry about buying a ring with some South African cartel controlled, absurdly overpriced piece of compressed carbon set in it.</p>
<p>UCLAri, I believe it's time to put up or shut up as the saying goes. 6 years is a long time. It's one thing when you are both in school, but now it's commitment time.</p>
<p>If you're both going to the same college, either it will work out or it won't. That's one of the easier situations to deal with. And if the relationship crashes and burns, it's not as if Berkeley is so claustrophobic that you'll always be running into each other. </p>
<p>People in the their late teens and early twenties are still changing <em>a lot</em>. Your individual courses may diverge or not. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, enjoy your relationship as much as you can. A good relationship, even if it doesn't last, is a good building block for another good relationship. As opposed to "well don't do <em>that</em> again!"</p>
<p>I think it might be hard to break up for an artificial reason. Either 1) one or both of you doesn't want to be together, or 2) you DO want to be together. Breaking up because you think you should, or you think it is probably a good idea, seems artificial, and one or the other of you is going to be offended. One or the other of you is also going to need the other more in the new environment. Does this make sense?</p>
<p>You're doing some good thinking, but if the relationship still works for both of you, keep it going. Just be smart and carve out ample time for new friends and activities.</p>
<p>Hmm.I guess I'll weigh in with a dissenting opinion here. Many years ago I went to college with a boyfriend. Spent the freshman year with him and ended up not making the effort with other people. It didn't last but in the meantime, I ended up transferring. Seems to me that if you are asking the question, you already know the answer. Start out on your own with a clean slate. College is a chance to re-invent yourself many times over...not to continue who you were in high school. </p>
<p>Some posts mention if you stay together after the four years of college...so when you graduate at 20 you are going to what? get married? When you graduate from college you are going to want to explore all your career options, maybe move, maybe go to graduate school. IMHO, this is not the time to weigh yourself down. By the way, I feel the same way about high school same sex friends who go to the same college and then room together. uugh!</p>
<p>
[quote]
UCLAri, I believe it's time to put up or shut up as the saying goes. 6 years is a long time. It's one thing when you are both in school, but now it's commitment time.
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</p>
<p>At 23/22? Not really. Especially when neither one of us could possibly hope to afford a wedding.</p>
<p>I don't feel "weighed down." I feel like in some ways I was freed from worrying about the absurdly silly dating scene in college. If anything, it was liberating to be the guy with the consistent relationship.</p>
<p>"If anything, it was liberating to be the guy with the consistent relationship."</p>
<p>OP,
If your relationship is as good as you are implying, it's very likely you'll feel that way too. You can always break up later if things are not working out. What's the rush? Are you afraid to "miss other opportunities"? How would that be different with a GF you meet while in college?</p>