kid doesn't want to attend any grad. events

<p>I have kiddos that were not, still not, big into the grad ceremonies, awards, and events. They are however, more than happy to attend the parties!</p>

<p>Of the 5 we attended only 1 hs graduation, had to, son was val! Daughter was in the top 3 but nothing was required of her so no attendance. As far as awards, they are highly uncomfortable and would only attend if absolutely necessary, ie as in their GC or principal requested their presence. Which they did accomodate.</p>

<p>Of their college graduations (5) we attended 1, again required for son (he had 2). Just not something any of them want to participate in. So I enjoyed the one I attended, and Wow we had a great time (lasts several days). We did meet/visit with his profs, mentors, advisors-all set up by son, so something he wanted. Other than that my five just are not into the “stuff” that surrounded senior years in high school or college.</p>

<p>Except, big exception, the parties, the proms, their friends. They have always been that way and they are still like that. Daughter wants a small wedding (teeny-tiny) but wants her loved ones around her for later (fiance not so happy with this!). Just the way they are, I never thought it was a problem.</p>

<p>I hope son wants us to attend graduation for med school. Been a long time in getting there, but who knows?</p>

<p>Kat</p>

<p>I was over high school by the third day of senior year. I didn’t want to have a graduation party or do anything special, because my thinking at the time was that everybody who’s anybody graduates high school and it’s just a bare minimum requirement, not a huge accomplishment. I know it didn’t feel that way for my parents, so I went to the graduation ceremony and let them throw a party. I never “came around” and started cherishing those moments, but I get that they were important for my mom. Your S should be capable of that… but I understand not wanting to do the social events. I had friends in HS but most of them were in different classes, and those sorts of class events were brutal. Even in cases where I did have friends present, I just didn’t have fun around the rest of my classmates. It was different in college.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t have a problem with supporting his decision to skip the whole thing. The awards ceremony is important to Mom (an entirely legitimate feeling), and I can see asking the son to attend for her sake. If he still hates the thought of going, even after a respectful conversation about it - I’d think, “well, it’s his graduation and they’re his awards,” and let it go. If I REALLY wondered about awards other kids received, I could always go to the ceremony myself (or skulk around in the lobby :D). </p>

<p>If scholarships would be withheld because the recipient didn’t attend the ceremony, the recipient should make an informed decision based on that information. I’d personally take no offense if the recipient didn’t show, provided that an appropriate note of thanks was sent afterwards. Yes, it’s an award the benefactor has chosen to bestow, but presumably the recipient deserves it, which seems to me to be more important than whether or not it’s presented in person. I know I’m probably WAY off the charts for feeling this way, but I do. </p>

<p>Any kid who has survived 4 years of high school already knows that much of life consists of enduring boring, meaningless events because someone higher up the food chain thinks they’re important. I wouldn’t bother using the graduation events to underline this.</p>

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I wouldn’t think that, though, if this were my kid. I’d think that his parents and his school had something to do with his achievements, and it’s not much of a sacrifice to ask him to attend those events for their sake. This is a situation where I think it’s entirely appropriate for mom to say “I carried you for nine months, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to be bored for a couple of hours…”</p>

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<p>This is exactly what got me to go to my HS graduation. I had absolutely no desire to attend, but when my dad sat me down and said that I should do it for them since it’s one of the big milestones for having a kid (I’m also the youngest of the family) I should just grin and bear it.</p>

<p>I think TheGFG’s point (post #16) is an important one. Other people are giving up an evening to present awards and scholarships. They also spent time deciding who should receive them. If the student is receiving one of those big ones that only one kid a year gets, then he should go. It is just respectful. </p>

<p>The graduation ceremony is negotiable, and the rest of it is, I think, totally up to the student.</p>

<p>On the awards - nonprofits work hard to generate even small amounts. What does it say when students begin to not attend? To me, it’s like someone came over to drop off a birthday present but the kid was too into himself to even come downstairs to receive it in person – just says, “leave it on the dining room table, okay?”</p>

<p>Some of the competitive academic awards have a history of sharp elbows all along the line, and the students have bad feelings associated with all that, no matter who wins. </p>

<p>But the same awards are given at one event. If it were me, I’d emphasize the community obligation towards the nonprofits as enough reason to attend. Think whatever you wish during the academic awards, but understand that the civic organization that cares about young people deserves that much respect in return.</p>

<p>On the graduation - if you feel you’d be strongly disappointed, for whatever reason, then ask him to endure it for you. He still won’t enjoy the hours, but oh well; you perhaps didn’t enjoy every hour you waited for practices to end, and so forth. You can make some deals in advance, such as “we’ll leave quickly afterwards” or “I’ll limit myself to 5 photo clicks after the ceremonies before we depart.”</p>

<p>On the socials - I’d let all that go. Who can stand being pushed to attend a party; I hate that myself. </p>

<p>Do you know if he has one close friend who feels similarly bummed-out-in-advance? You might just buy them both tickets somewhere - gift certificate at a restaurant or sports/other high interest event. Let them celebrate the day quietly on their own terms, during the same hours as some of these parties.</p>

<p>I agree with others who suggested asking your son to attend at least one event for you. I am a bit surprised at the number of parents on this thread who said their hs senior did not go to graduation ceremony. More than I would have imagined.</p>

<p>If your son is a loner, these events may be not only boring but painful - a distillation of everything he found difficult about high school, rather than a celebration of his successes. The next phase of his life may be a lot better in that regard. Right now, I’d go along with his wishes, though I get why it’s tough for the parents. I don’t think there’s anything “rude and self-centered” about him not going.</p>

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<p>I’m not so sure a graduating senior knows this. What they know is that much of K-12 school consists of enduring boring, meaningless events. If they are trying to skip the awards ceremony, it seems more likely that they think the enduring-boring-events part of their life is drawing to a close, because now they are a self-determining adult.</p>

<p>Many of us on this thread think that self-determining adults need to understand that sometimes it is appropriate to endure a boring event to show support or respect for others, although we are not compelled.</p>

<p>I would strongly encourage going to the graduation because, although everybody does it, it is one of those things you only get one chance at. There is no do-over, and he won’t regret going, but he might regret not going. My two were not excited because sometimes it can be boring, but in the end I think they were glad they went. They see their friends and teachers for one last time while getting ready before the ceremony and they celebrate together at the end, when the boring stuff ends! (our all were out on the football field.)</p>

<p>I told mine that I wanted to see them out there and they could do it for me, that it wouldn’t kill them. I never asked much and what would they be doing then anyway?</p>

<p>I would definitely MAKE him do the awards ceremony if he doens’t do the grad ceremony. YOU should get to have some pleasure, and like I said, he’ll get over it.</p>

<p>If any of those awards come with money, I would absolutely make him go to the ceremony if he’s accepting the money.</p>

<p>My parents forced me to go to graduation and I still resent it, honestly. I talked to them twice about not wanting to go, but no such luck. Anyway, now they have no say in any of my other “big” life events, as far as I’m concerned - wedding, college/grad school graduation, job, city I choose to live in. I’ll pay for them myself and they can come as guests, but that’s it. The ceremony, speeches, and reception were boring, filled with obnoxious speakers (including my high school class president, who was so full of himself it was painful to sit through his speech), and the people I had been trying to flee by going to a college halfway across the country. Not to mention the bizarre gender differences throughout the ceremony - girls wore white robes and got little bouquets with their diplomas, while boys wore blue and…didn’t. And we walked down the aisle to our seats in gender pairs. I was not a fan.</p>

<p>That said, if there’s any ceremony held by people who are giving him money, you should make him go, especially if he’s accepted the money.</p>

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It sounds like unspeakable torture. You should certainly get as much revenge for that as possible. Please.</p>

<p>Oh, it was hardly unspeakable torture. It was just a waste of time that could have been better spent getting brunch with my grandparents who had come down from Canada to visit, or getting started on summer vacation. Or volunteering at an animal shelter. Or finishing my application to my summer college classes. You know. Other stuff I was more invested in and focused on.</p>

<p>That said, you know, I did have actual problems with the gender differences in the ceremony, which I thought my parents would respect, since they’re both feminists. And the fact that they didn’t listen to my opinions about my graduation just tells me that I should prevent any interference in other, more important life events. Why open that door if you know someone’s going to use it against you?</p>

<p>Look, a graduation is exciting IF YOU WANT TO GO. And no other time. Yes, you support your children through high school, but ultimately they’re the ones stuck there for 8 hours a day, and for some of them that experience is actually miserable. Why would you force them to do more of it just so you can watch and feel proud? Feel proud of your child regardless.</p>

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I hate to use you as a punching bag here, but you’re exhibiting exactly the attitude that I think is the problem with kids who don’t want to go to graduation–the mistake of thinking it’s all about you. So what if graduation isn’t exciting for you? It’s a small price to pay if your parents want to see you graduate. The fact that you resent this, and want to punish them for it, is a reflection on you, not on them.</p>

<p>Weird coincidence that the grandparents just happened to travel from Canada at graduation time!</p>

<p>I mean, seeing as they would have been just as happy to go to brunch as a graduation ceremony.</p>

<p>Let me put it this way, perhaps more helpfully–it may be that high school graduation is a symbolic transition period in several ways. For parents, it represents the culmination of years of parenting, and now the child will be going out into the world. This is a proud, but bittersweet moment. For the graduate, it represents a transition to more independence and self-direction. So, there may be a struggle if the student sees the graduation ceremony as a limitation on his independence. So I would say that this is an opportunity for the student to demonstrate newfound maturity by recognizing that the ceremony might not be meaningful for him, but that it is an important symbol for his parents. So, while he doesn’t have to like it, he should go. What’s more, even if your parents say they don’t mind if you skip it, they probably do mind, so go anyway. That will show even more maturity.</p>

<p>^^ wishing for the “like” button again…</p>

<p>Oh for Pete’s sake.</p>

<p>I asked the first time to not attend my graduation six months in advance, suggesting that we go to dinner instead, or throw a party, or anything else, really. The next time I asked was two months in advance, FAR BEFORE my grandparents had even booked their flights or asked about the date of the ceremony. I didn’t bring it up again.</p>

<p>I wanted to show appreciation for my family who had supported me and I wanted to see my grandparents, but not in that context. I, shockingly, had legitimate problems with the weird gender things that were going on, and really disliked the fact that the student body couldn’t vote on a student speaker. I also had issues with the amount of racist and homophobic nonsense that went on in my high school, and the fact that there had been a major grade changing/cheating scandal and those kids? They were graduating with us. They weren’t punished.</p>

<p>My parents had, previously, insisted that I take action and stand by my beliefs no matter what the situation. I was honestly hurt that they couldn’t see that this ceremony was troubling to me on multiple levels and still insisted that I take part in it. I have a very open and trusting relationship with my parents. I can honestly say they are two of my closest friends and confidantes. When they didn’t listen to me… well. It was very upsetting, and it makes me wary about future big events that I’d like to include them in. Will they listen to what I want, and what’s important to me? If I don’t want to have Catholic vows at my wedding, will that become a big deal? Wouldn’t it just be better to not involve them in the planning and ask forgiveness rather than permission?</p>

<p>And you know, if my grandparents had asked me to go to the ceremony, I would have. They’re old and they deserve to see their eldest grandchild graduate from high school, if that’s what they want. I was just trying to provide the OP with some idea of what might be going through her son’s head.</p>

<p>And I still stand by my point. You can be proud of your kids without a ceremony.</p>