<p>I've always believed in the notion of "allowing" kids to make mistakes while the consequences are still small. You know: they are late to school so the consequence is detention, rather than waiting until the consequence is losing a job.</p>
<p>But, missing a deadline for the "school of his dreams" was a consequence out of proportion to the lesson.</p>
<p>Along those lines, combined with the scheduling challenges of S's senior year (sports, 4 AP courses, other ECs, etc.), I determined that my best role with regard to college apps was that of an administrative assistant. He wrote all the essays, with no input from me (which was a challenge; I am an editor!). He filled out the apps, but I admit to proofing them. I kept the timelines and schedules. I nagged a few times (!).</p>
<p>End result: nothing catastrophic. He had some lovely choices, and he has managed his own time at college.</p>
<p>Woody, they're handed out free at all non-religious US colleges that I know of! No need to stock up anywhere except at the health center during orientation. (Ours even carries free flavored lube, though that may be going a bit over the top of what's strictly necessary. ;))</p>
<p>I too had a filing system for D's college apps and outside scholarships...seniors really need this support. I also do her laundry, most of the time.</p>
<p>She made her appointments, signed up for activities and purchased clothing and other items she needed using her allowance and money from gifts, babysitting and last years summer job.</p>
<p>Socialized health programs subsidize condoms--by the hundreds. Kid walks in and clinic hands over however many kid needs. First time my son went to the clinic with friends they came back with 400 condoms. Wishful thinking, boys?</p>
<p>Canada will be very forthright--and they will probably supply American-made kit.</p>
<p>I have a hard time remembering that I'm the adult when I stay with my 70 something parents. It's a given. Living at home brings out the inner 12 year old. We must be programmed to want mama to take care of us when we are in her nest?</p>
<p>Certainly help the college app process on an administrative level! It is so complicated, with so many details. It felt like a multi-headed monster at times, juggling 8 apps in the air at once. One missed deadline torpedoes months of effort. When things like that "almost" happened and I caught it just before, I did NOT apply the hallowed principle of "logical consequences" and say, "there, you just blew it, so X college is now toast." Yes, we had our calendar, but I still served as safety net. I said, "It's December 15 and if this thing isn't done by December 20, just kiss that opportunity goodbye." It always got done, but I didn't let things fall apart just to show him he had to do it himself. Soon he was coming to great discoveries, such as, "it was pressured; I should have allowed more time." and next one he'd do a little bit better. He gradually got better at it, until the last two he was completely running his own timeline.</p>
<p>I think of it as "scaffolding." You set up a structure and stay around while they learn to do it themselves, then when you see they're doing it, you back away. Don't stay longer than you have to, but don't fail to put up scaffolding at the outset.</p>
<p>I can't explain it well, but I think all the other responsibilities such as laundry, buying shampoo, banking etc. need to be taught and polished off. But they don't have critical deadlines like the college apps (and many sub-deadlines).</p>
<p>Here's my funny independence story, which I've told here before -- so apologies. </p>
<p>On freshman orientation week, I was standing with my S in a pharmacy. I saw the family's favorite liquid cold remedy, and thought how awful it would be to need it and have to walk blocks in the snow to buy it. I asked, "Would you like me to buy some for you for your dorm room?" </p>
<p>He turned beet red, saying, "No, Mom, please. If I need that, I can buy it myself."</p>
<p>I pressed him again. I said I didn't mind how much it cost, it was important to his health!</p>
<p>He lowered his voice and said with urgency, "Pleeeese, Mom, really, I can take care of this."</p>
<p>I looked at him and realized he was staring at a different store display of condoms, right next to the cold remedies.</p>
<p>k. I have an issue about the doing the laundry thing, my Ds never have enough of one kind of laundry, jeans, towels, etc to do a full load, so I do it..why I can sort it, and who knows how much water , etc I save by doing full loads of jeans, whites, towels, etc.</p>
<p>I made Ds last Dr. appts, she was working, and I was on hold...she is perfectly capable of making the appointment, its a matter of sharing jobs....</p>
<p>She too went away last summer and did fine, and can manage her bank accounts, signing up, but as people living in the same house, why have everyone doing all the same stuff, why not have one do the trash, etc...</p>
<p>As for the applications- i bought her all the supplies she needed- folders, markers, stamps, envelopes and showed her a system, she then ran with it...if I was at the drug store I would call the house and say, hey anyone need anything?</p>
<p>I don't know, I guess I think everyone running around wasting gas going to the same stores running parallel errands is a waste of time</p>
<p>
[quote]
If your daughter is not yet in the habit of buying her own shampoo, it might be risky
[/quote]
</p>
<p>LOL. :) How hard is it to walk into a Walmart or grocery store, etc. and go to the aisle that has shampoos, shaving creams, etc. stare at the prices/products, pick one, and pay for it? Has this girl ever been shopping for anything? Ever?</p>
<p>cgm, when my d doesn't have enough of one kind of laundry, she actually throws in some of ours! So it's not just "doing her laundry" - she's learning about doing stuff for the family that doesn't directly benefit her!</p>
<p>In my family my mother does everyones laundry. That way we avoid problems with having small loads or having the washing machine run all the time. We save water and money.</p>
<p>My younger son learned to do laundry at age 7. He asked if he could
get paid to do the family's laundry. Amused, I showed him how to use
the machines, explained if he was going to take on this job, I expected
him to not let the laundry pile up, etc.</p>
<p>Then I asked him how much he proposed he would get paid. He said,
"Three dollars a week......but five dollars if you help me!"</p>
<p>Yeah, I do the laundry. My Mom did mine until I went to college and it took me 35 seconds to learn how to do it when I got there. Some kids don't want help with college apps. I would have respected my son's wishes on this, but it is a LOT of detail work to research, visit and apply to 10 LACs. Even to get an idea where to start when he was taking AP courses, directing a play, etc. was more than I'd expect him to handle alone. I've been very much the admin assistant and he's appreciated everything but my brief bout of nagging. Had I not been able or willing to help, he'd have managed, but we enjoyed the teamwork involved in the process. The application writing was all his work and the final college decision was his. I have no doubts that he'll find his way to the student center for meals and do his laundry when he needs to.</p>
<p>This weekend my recently graduated son was home from the overnight camp where he works for somewhat less than 36 hours--he rode the bus home with the first 4 week campers on Sunday night, and rode the bus back to camp on Tuesday morning with the campers coming for the second 4 week session.</p>
<p>I did a month's worth of laundry so he could sleep, take multiple showers and see a few friends.</p>
<p>But when he went to Target to get a few things, he called to see if <em>I</em> needed anything from the store while he was there,and brought home a package of the paper towels I asked for. He also brought home a new bottle of laundry detergent and softener sheets--he figured that I was using a lot on his laundry.</p>
<p>When he got home, we were talking about what he needed to get done in the time between coming home at the end of camp and leaving for orientation.</p>
<p>The first thing on his mind was holding a few sessions to teach H and I how to do the things he has always done for us, like computer maintenance and changing the lightbulbs with the extender pole.</p>
<p>Condoms: when my son was in high school, we happened to be in the grocery store together. At the condom display, I pointed to them and said: "you'll know you're ready to have sex when you're ready to buy them without being embarassed." I still think it's a good indicator, but of course, when he got to college he pointed out that they were aviailable free, in every dorm bathroom in the school.</p>
<p>My kids didn't have any problem figuring out laundry, but still bring it home from time to time, "because you're so much better at getting out the stains and making the whites look white." I think it's actually that our washer is better than the commercial ones they have access to--I'm always astonished at how much detergent rinses out of their clothes (and they use half the recommended amount). </p>
<p>Now that the kids are out of college and doing their own grocery shopping, the call I get most often is "how do I tell if (whatever) is ripe?" and "how much (blank) do I buy if I'm feeding two people?"</p>
<p>UCGradMary--I TOTALLY understand! I work hard too and I do WAAY more for the kids than my mom ever did for us, and she stayed home! I think I overcompensate because my mom really did not do enough; we both struggled in school and she never, ever bothered to find out why or make us do our homework or set any consequences for not doing so. </p>
<p>In my experience, with my kids, the respond a lot better to taking on additional responsibility if they understand I'm not expecting it arbitrarily; it is something I honestly don't have time to do. From your post it sounds like you may have had that conversation with your daughter? You said you'd made an agreement and would do laundry for the nurturing she seems to want? Let us know how it's going in a few weeks, OK?</p>
<p>I don't think it should all be divided up so people are doing the same jobs just seperately, I think it is better if jobs are split- you vacuum, I mop...more of a co-operation then a seperation</p>
<p>I will come home and my Ds have cleaned the livingroom, the kitchen and avoided the bathroom, that's okay, I thought cleaning the bathroom was icky as well at that age, I figure that will happen that they just do it....</p>
<p>That works in some families, but in our house it was a recipe for Mombot screeching like a banshee because the kids were never available to work cooperatively. </p>
<p>For us it worked better to assign something that the kid could complete when they had the time to do it, and for that to work it had to be out of the way enough that it didn't drive me crazy to look at the undone task for a day and a half. </p>
<p>They each have two rooms that they are entirely responsible for maintaining. Things like dishes I have them do catch as catch can but sometimes I just end up doing it because they aren't around.</p>