Kids Taking Charge of Their Lives

Parent Cafe
1

<p>With a year to go before college, I'm more than ready to have DD take responsibility for her life. Do all of the things, big and little, required to sustain herself. Sign up for all her activities, make her own appointments, handle her own college applictions, buy her own toiletries!</p>

<p>Problem is, she still wants to lean on dear old mom. "Well I didn't get that done because I was waiting for you to get home from work and show me how" is pretty much the topic of all of our discussions lately.</p>

<p>Do they just magically take care of themselves when they leave? Have I given her the reigns too soon?</p>

<p>Most importantly, should I help in any way with the college applications?</p>

2

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Most importantly, should I help in any way with the college applications?

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<p>I think you can let this be her thing. For both of mine, I did help them set up a filing system with each app in a separate folder, with a list of what needed to be filled out, and when. I also took the apps to the post office, as this was hard for them to do during school hours. I also provided them with the info that they needed about my husband's and my college dates, degrees, etc. </p>

<p>The filing system was really for my benefit more than theirs, so that I knew that THEY knew what needed to be done. I'm sure they would have been fine without it.
Personally, I think the more parents help with applications, the less the students get into the process themselves. The more they own it, the better the app represents them. The more it represents them, the better the final outcome.</p>

<p>But when mine are home, I still buy their toiletries, so I'm no help there! ;)</p>

3

<p>My favorite thing was the introduction: "D, this is the washing machine. Washing machine, this is D." Figured they should have more than a nodding acquaintance before she set off for college, no matter how many hours a week she was doing ballet and how many AP's she was taking.</p>

<p>I tend to cut slack on the college applications, though. I acted as Project Manager, made spreadsheets and time lines, did the runs to the post office, etc. Even the instructions weren't always clear and there was a benefit to over the shoulder interpretation.</p>

<p>Btw, to the OP, I don't think you've given the reins too soon. More likely, started too late. Imo. Middle school is not too early to start feeding some responsibilities. My approach always was, "What skills will D need as an adult and how can I shift some tasks to her that will start developing those schools now?"</p>

4

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<p>Same at our household. There are lots of details about the college application process--registering for SATs and SAT 2s, getting recommendation forms to teachers/guidance counselors, filling out application forms, ordering official transcripts, making music/performance tapes, etc. Each step has its own deadlines--missing a deadline (such as registering for the SAT, which is amazingly long before the actual test is given) can make for headaches.</p>

<p>If your D is only applying to a few colleges, maybe it wouldn't be a problem for her to handle all the details herself. But if she is applying to 8-10, she could probably use the help.</p>

5

<p>Congrats on encouraging your daughter to be more independent.</p>

<p>All children are different and some are more reluctant to take on responsibilities that mom and dad did previously. Our son was independent beyond his years in most areas. It was a pleasure to seem him take the reins during the college application process. Basically all I did was take him on a few college visits, write app fee checks and do the FAFSA. He did all the research and had all his applications done by October.</p>

<p>He also planned his drive to California from the east coast and made living arrangements there for his summer internship.</p>

<p>I think living off campus has helped him some also, although one of his other housemates handles most of the financial matters.</p>

<p>I have little concern when he graduates next may and enters the real world.</p>

6

<p>I wouldn't push it. It seems like starting a battle for nothing. Your daughter will be forced into a much greater degree of independence when she's at college. Why make an issue of it now?</p>

<p>On the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to talk from time to time about some of the responsibilities that your daughter will have to assume during college -- such as laundry, managing a checking account, setting her own schedule, doing her own personal shopping, etc. If there are skills she will need and doesn't have yet, maybe the two of you could set aside some time to work on those things.</p>

<p>The college application process is quite complex, and it's easy to make important mistakes. I think that maybe the best approach here is for you and your daughter to research the process thoroughly and separately (kids do research differently than we do -- they ask their friends and they are usually more Internet-savvy than we are), and then pool your notes. She is likely to come up with information that you would never find (e.g., college X rarely accepts kid from her high school, but college Y seems to love them), and you would find other things. Also, you really can't divorce yourself from the college application process because one aspect of the process -- the financial decisions -- must involve you. Your daughter can't make intelligent decisions about applying to college until you tell her how much your family can afford to contribute.</p>

<p>If your daughter is not yet in the habit of buying her own shampoo, it might be risky (and maybe even cruel) to suddenly expect her to manage a complicated and confusing process like college applications on her own.</p>

7

<p>If you want her to take some independence now while she's still in high school, you'll need to tell her clearly which things you'd like her to take charge of. Then take some time on a weekend and explain how to do all of the different things. Spell out the details of what will happen and what she should do. </p>

<p>The thing is, though, that she's going to become more independent once she's in college, so it may not make sense to push her into full independence now. Maybe ease into it with encouraging her to take charge of a couple different areas.</p>

8

<p>Kids are amazingly resourceful. Yes, they do become more self-sufficient when they have to be. Although I had introduced her to the washing machine (love that, TheDad!) so she'd know what to do when the time came, she didn't really do her own laundry until this year (senior year in HS). But when she went to various summer programs - surprise! The clothes got washed, folded and even put away (sometimes). When she went to a program in which she was responsible for her own food, she learned how to shop for groceries and even how to get them back to her room via the bus. She learned that she couldn't have a lot of soda - too heavy to carry. She learned how to judge good buys versus things that were just too expensive. </p>

<p>I taught her a lot of those skills through normal daily interaction, but she didn't have a lot of practice. But she remembered what I'd said and put it into action when she needed it. </p>

<p>On the other hand, if there were things that needed to be done that I didn't care about (like hair cutting appointment, getting a sub when she couldn't be there to assistant teach her class, etc.), I let her handle it. Ditto for high school stuff - it was up to her now to monitor her homework & studying, and to meet those deadlines.</p>

<p>Also, remember that there's a big difference between the maturity level of a 17 year old brain and an 18 year old one. She'll grow a lot this year. </p>

<p>As far as the college apps are concerned - if I had left it to her, I don't know what she'd be doing this fall! She was so overwhelmed by the whole process that she couldn't really deal with the "big picture" stuff. So I acted as administrative assistant. She'd tell me what she was looking for, I'd research various schools and show them to her, she'd say yea or nay, I'd do more research, etc. I set up all the school visits. I kept track of timelines, etc. And upon request, I'd fill in some of the basic information into the applications.</p>

<p>Her results were just fine and she's thrilled with the school she's going to.</p>

<p>You know your kid best - if you leave the apps to her, will they get done, and will all the timelines be met? If not, are you OK with the consequences? If you're not OK with the consequences, you may need to be more "hands on".</p>

9

<p>I agree with the majority here. College apps were a group project in our house, with the kid taking the lead, but me providing administrative assistance (helping keeep track of deadlines, mailing things during school hours, setting up visiting trips). But as parents, our most important role during that process was sounding boards. We listened, we suggested, we gave advice when asked, etc. Most importantly, we made sure our kids knew they weren't out there alone.</p>

<p>This goes for general life skills, too. When we expected our kids to be more independent about something, we didn't expect them to magically acquire the knowledge and confidence to do so overnight. We expected that handing over reins requires guidance, instruction, and positive encouragement. </p>

<p>My 24 year old is entirely independent, supports herself and runs her own life, but when something comes up that she's unfamiliar with, she's liable to give me or her father a call and ask about it. I'm glad she still sees us as a source of something akin to wisdom in her life, and I see that as proof that i've parented successfully, not that I've failed at it.</p>

10

<p>"Do they just magically take care of themselves when they leave?"</p>

<p>Yes.
They have to, so they do.</p>

<p>I was pleasantly shocked with how my oldest son has done on his own. Of course, he's still a big SLOB when it comes to his room, but to each his own I guess. </p>

<p>When he was at home, I couldn't get him interested in cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I thought, OMG he's gonna be a mess when he goes to college. Well, somehow the laundry gets done, at least to his standards. :eek: </p>

<p>This summer he moved into a <em>suite</em> type dorm and unbeknownst to us, went out and spend a small fortune equipping his "kitchen". (I actually wish I could have done this instead- he did a fine job and bought all the right stuff but he did not shop around at all. I think I could have done with $100 what he did with $200). And he goes out periodically and buys his groceries, fixes his own meals.</p>

<p>Joining a fraternity taught him more about deep cleaning than I ever could!! The pledges are the ones who come in on weekends and clean the toilets, dining area, and common areas. Yuckkk.</p>

<p>Necessity is the mother of invention. They will learn very quickly, or they'll sit around in dirty underwear.</p>

11

<p>I don't think there is a rush to push your child to independence. It is a process and an overwhelming one for some kids. Some kids get very stressed when college and independence is upon them. They can act in strange ways and sometimes vacillate between being very grown up and very immature. At every stage they need our guidance and know that we will be there if they need us.</p>

<p>We also helped our s with college apps. It is an overwhelming process for the best of them. I felt overwhelmed by it, so I could only imagine my kid felt it too. Working on it together was a great experience. Visiting schools was also a great experience. I thought making it fun and lightening the mood was in order. It is such a major decision that we needed some comic relief.</p>

<p>When they go off for the first time, don't be surprised by home sickness or those "what should I do about this .....?" phone calls. It is a lot for them to digest at once. Some do great and others need a little more help. Me and my friends have some very funny stories of phone calls we got from our kids the first year. :)</p>

<p>However, they did learn so much and managed to figure out what they needed to do, maybe not always the first time around....but hopefully the second! Classes got signed up for, advisors were met with, laundry got done and finances were figured out. It's amazing what they can do when they have to.</p>

12

<p>My S became very independent during his senior year. I did still wash his clothes (for my own sanity because I know from experience that he has no problem picking up dirty ones off the floor and putting them back on...guys..ugh) but knew that he did know how to do it. </p>

<p>In every other way he was pretty much indpendent. He worked 25-30 hours a week, made his own spending/gas money, had a debit card and managed his own account.
Learning that money does not magically pour into the bank account was a very valuable experience. Working also was great in learning to prioritize, couldn't call in to the boss at work and say "but I just don't feeeel like coming in today". </p>

<p>We gave him a lot of freedom to make his own decisions about his daily activities. If he was not coming home for dinner or the night (which happened a lot on weekends) he would call and say so and usually what his plans were. We did not protest and insist that he come home. If he came home late and was super tired the next day..his fault..lesson learned.</p>

<p>He was entirely responsible for schoolwork but had been that way for years.
He was/is a last minute worker and I gave up badgering him about that (as I was wont to do when he was younger) and let him do it his way. </p>

<p>As for applications...he only applied to three schools..the apps were not involved (state schools with no mind bending essays..very straight forward questions). He handled that himself. Got all three acceptances before T'giving. His big scholarship app. was way more involved. I prompted him a few times to get it done and it was finished in Sept.). My main job in the app. process was Gentle Reminder and Post Office runner. We took him on one college visit and he did the other two with friends from school. </p>

<p>More than anything, his senior year independence prepared US for his leaving home. We got used to him not being around the house so much. We (and he) were confident of his abilities to survive on his own and take care of himself because he had already been doing it for awhile. It made the whole transition to college separation so much easier.</p>

13

<p>I'm just learning the drill, like the OP. My S and I did agree that I will be the "project manager" for college applications, partly because it's complex and he tends to put things off. I'm finding that it helps to have "scheduled" conversations: "S, when would be a good time to sit down and go over X?" I try (it's hard!) to save up all my questions for those conversations. I haven't done this yet, but I'm going to add his deadline dates to our central kitchen calendar (or ask him to do that). Most schools on his list have rolling admissions, so we'll be gearing up here very soon. Also, in our case and maybe not in others, parental vigilance helps move things along at school, avoid transcript errors, etc. This project manager role seems to work for other parents on CC. Every kid is different--for example, I did it all myself back in the day. </p>

<p>Around the house, he knows how to do lots of things, requires "reminding" to do virtually everything, but then pitches in cheerfully. My biggest issue is the pile of mess (using a polite word here) in his room--and even though usually :) he does his own laundry, he waits until he's down to a really raggedy t-shirt before he breaks down and does it. He has two things working in his favor: He's a Boy Scout who is an expert at taking care of himself in the wilderness, and he's a city kid who can navigate just about anything.</p>

<p>From friends and a sister with older kids, I know they get through it. A good friend whose S is now about 25 made sure he knew how to do these things before he left for college:
Laundry (including ironing a shirt)
Wash dishes (our kids are used to dishwashers)
Manage his bank account (an ongoing "lesson")
Keep a calendar/datebook
Transportation (finding and using)
First aid, including what to take when you have a headache, for allergies, etc.
Grocery shopping</p>

<p>My favorite story is how in about 8th grade, this single mom made sure her S knew how to use a condom.</p>

14

<p>My son did his laundry at summer programs, but I really don't trust him to do it often enough left to his own devices. He's going to have a kitchen in his room next year, but I don't think he'll use it for much beyond cold cereal and warming up pizza. He's got his own bank account, knows how to deposit a paycheck. We'll get him an ATM and credit card before the summer is over. He's been a mix this summer of being responsible and assuming his parents are taking care of deadlines. We did all the things for college we were supposed to do in May, but forgot all about getting the final high school grades form in or sending in photos for his college ID. But they are in, albeit a week or two late!</p>

15

<p>"My favorite story is how in about 8th grade, this single mom made sure her S knew how to use a condom."</p>

<p>Eeewww eeewww eeewww.</p>

<p>Last week I found a condom in an old pair of shorts my son left here at home. But I do not recall ever having shown him how to use it! :eek:
Somehow he must have figured it out without me.</p>

16

<p>UCGradMary--I'd follow your daughter's lead on college applications. I had read all of the advice here about offering logistical help and offered to do so and my daughter made it clear that it was her deal and I should back off, so I did. She got everything done; she had a debit card so she was able to pay all of the fees, etc. and we knew how much the various fees were (she only applied to 6 schools) so I gave her enough to cover all of the fees. Amazingly she got everything in on time, and will head off in August. So do as much or as little as you have to do, short of writing the essays, to get the applications in on time.</p>

<p>I'd think about the things that are really going to be critical to her success in college (getting herself up on time and signing up for her own activities, turning in her own forms, managing a checking account, doing schoolwork and turning it in on time without reminders, returning library books) and make sure you are not inadvertently propping her up there. If you are still waking her up in the morning or telling her she can't go out on school nights, those are areas where you can loosen up and see how she handles the additional responsibility before the stakes are too high.</p>

<p>I taught the kids to do laundry when they were in junior high, but I still DO their laundry if they add theirs to the sorted piles of family laundry. Similarly I make their appointments and ask them what toiletries they need if I'm going to the store because my mom basically did what you are proposing to do when I was 15 or 16 and I felt like she didn't care about me. Little concrete details that demonstrate nurturing can be very important to some kids, and really, insisting she buy her own razors and shampoo is not in the long run going to teach her anything. What's the worst thing that can happen next year if she forgets to buy shampoo vs. what's the worst thing if she's not regularly and consistently self-regulating and going to bed in time to get up for her earliest class and knowing when she has to bow out of festivities to go study?</p>

17

<p>Mine is already half out. She has summer school, on top of working 40 hours a week. On her off day, she's concentration on her fun EC(theme park, movies, etc..). In fact, we don't see her at dinner that often because of her work. But I'm so glad of the driving hours limit that DMV impose on her(new driver), I know I can always count on her to be home by 11:00P.M
As for college application process, D told me I'm not supposed to mention the word college until after summer school is over. I expect to help some but not with writing essays, I'm so sure of that.:)
I think I'll help with the risk management aspect of college selection process, balancing many different goals, financial/academic,etc..spreading the risk, not to be all concentrate in one area.</p>

18

<p>Assume that all of those statements are an expression of ambivalence--toward her future, toward her past. They have no great meaning or significance and you have complete control over how much you want to participate. Set the boundaries and you'll be away.</p>

<p>She will be more than fine without you in 2008. She'll be too busy and engaged to even think about ambivalence. Says me.</p>

19

<p>Thanks for all the replies, lots of food for thought. Cheers, I think you nailed it.</p>

<p>DD has been away lots, summers and she spent last term in Spain and traveling with friends in Europe after that. In fact it was her great success in Spain with little adult input that made me understand I had been doing too much for her. The kid who made all of her own travel plans over in Europe, was legal to drink wine and beer and led her pack came home wanting mom to do everything she had been doing!</p>

<p>I'm of the thinking that she went over to the adult side and should not go back. Am I expecting more than I should of this very smart, together young person?</p>

<p>She does work 40 plus hours and is taking a class but do I really need to shop for her shampoo. I work hard too.</p>

<p>Reading your comments however is making me rethink contributing on an administrative level to college applications.</p>

20

<p>"Last week I found a condom in an old pair of shorts my son left here at home. But I do not recall ever having shown him how to use it!"</p>

<p>My S just spent a year in China. I wanted to use one of his suitcases and found a condom still in its wrapper with Chinese writing. Given the (recent?) news of shoddy and unsafe merchandise made in China, I demanded that H makes sure S is well stocked with American "products" before heading off to college</p>