<p>As a parent of a senior, how much do you help your college bound HS senior with college and scholarship apps, and/or everyday stuff in general? If you help "alot", do you worry that your child will not be able to function efficiently without you once he/she gets to college?</p>
<p>Just enough to keep her from falling into a sobbing heap on the floor. She is doing great this year as a freshman in college, but last year was STRESSFUL.</p>
<p>We followed up a lot on our D senior year. Just to make sure everything got to the right place by the right dates. She had a ton of deadlines, since she applied to a ridiculous number of schools. We gave feedback on essays. She bounced ideas off us and then did the opposite of our suggestions. I even tried reverse psychology which she saw right through. The only thing I absolutely insisted was that she submit her application to Stanford. She fought me on it up until the deadline. It was half done and she was exhausted. Her test scores, LORs and transcripts where already there. What’s one more short essay?! She hit submit about 5 hours before the deadline. I now have the satisfaction of being able to say “I told you so” because she is currently a freshman at Stanford. Ok…I’ve never said “I told you so” out loud to her. She has transitioned amazingly to college life because I have a sneaking suspicion that she never needed our help to begin with.</p>
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<p>No, because I don’t expect her to go through this kind of stress in college.</p>
<p>Depends on the kid, where they want to go and what needs to be done. The kid I helped the most was the one who had aspirations to go to a top college. The issue wasn’t even the college apps. (Those were pretty straight-forward.) The hard part was balancing that, senior courses and all the scholarship apps (about 30). But it all worked out well.</p>
<p>The answer to your second question is, of course I do–but not because I really think it’s going to be a problem, just because worrying about that is what parents do.</p>
<p>Our son is taking care of the applications, though we’ve suggested that he let us look at them before he submits them just in case there are any typos or errors of fact that he might not notice. We did give him some feedback on his essay. We are doing the scholarship scouting (since we’re the ones paying, it seems reasonable) and scheduling the visits. We all researched colleges back in that phase, and he was happy to get advice about some schools to look at, but he made the final decisions about which places to apply to.</p>
<p>I would say any help is OK as long as none of the following are happening:</p>
<p>1) you’re doing stuff for him that the colleges will think he did himself;
2) you’re doing stuff for him that he really needs to learn to do for himself;
3) you’re doing more than he is.</p>
<p>I’ve helped my son get and stay organized for the college process (set up files, helped him make checklists and a calendar.) We go out to lunch or dinner every Sunday to discuss his choices, and what needs to get done the next week. It’s also a chance for me to learn about any coming school related stuff that he needs my help with (like I need a costume to wear to the Renaissance Faire). </p>
<p>I usually nag 2 days before a deadline. My company offers some college advice as a benefit, and a counselor commented on his common app essay. (I thought it was great to have someone who did not know my son give their impression.) If asked, I comment on the other essays and short answers; I have pointed out places where the essays still need work, but I do not do any editing, other than mechanics. I also do the final proof-reading before the submit button is pushed (S2 is dysgraphic.) </p>
<p>I was very involved with planning the logistics of the college visits, since it involved my calendar and checkbook. Son picked the areas and schools he wanted to visit. We scheduled the visits on-line together, or I called during working hours.</p>
<p>I think I do what I do as much to manage my own anxiety as his disorganization. But I also enjoy the time we spend together, knowing that the apron strings will be cut (before the purse strings!) I try not to talk about college all the time, but with all the November and December EA deadlines, this has been a challenge. My son is a debater, so we also like to discuss current events.</p>
<p>I did the same with S1, and he is doing fine on his own at college. </p>
<p>I think that extraordinary kids can manage this process on their own, but that most “normal” kids need a little administrative assistance. Our school has little to no college guidance, so its up to the parents to guide their seniors through the maze.</p>
<p>I helped manage the college app process (called myself the project manager 
). Many seniors are having to spend too much time on their studies and ECs, to be able to also keep track of all these dates/issues.</p>
<p>Yes, some kids can “do it all,” but some can’t when it comes to the college process (maybe I’m sexist, but I think some boys need a bit more help. But, I could be very wrong ).</p>
<p>That said…I do think that senior year (at the LATEST!!!) should be a time to make sure the student is ready for college -</p>
<p>Can he get himself up in the morning?
Does he have a routine as to where he puts his wallet, keys, cell phone?<br>
Can he do his own laundry?<br>
Does he clean up after himself?<br>
Can he find his things?<br>
Can he keep a calendar of events?<br>
Can he manage money?
Can he problem-solve (is he resourceful)? </p>
<p>Obviously, many/most/all of these issues should be addressed long before senior year, but if your senior is struggling with any of the above, now is the time to stress to your child that: “Students who go away to school need to be able to manage these things.”</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>But…as to the issue of college apps…this is an aberration, so if help is needed, then help!</p>
<p>I was very involved with the technical issues. There was one on-line app form that was defective - the school ended up changing forms by about mid-November because the form was so buggy. After Son completed or attempted to complete that form a couple of times, I took over…someone needed to talk to tech support during the working day and I was available and he wasn’t. There was also an issue with figuring out how to italicize in the common app essay (it wouldn’t transfer or save), and there was some software on our computer that kept autofilling every phone number and email blank on the apps with a shortened version of an incorrect email address. It would have been ridiculous to have made Son spend untold hours trying to figure out computer-related problems with the apps.</p>
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<p>With my son, the answer to a majority of those questions last year was a firm “no.” We really truly didn’t know if he was ready for college. We almost physically drug him out of bed for 13 years, but amazingly, he is getting up for a 9 am class every day on his own. He can’t find his things (it’s an Asperger’s thing), but it’s much much easier to find things and to figure out a place for things in one half of a tiny dorm room than it was in our whole house. Laundry - he called 4 times the first time he had to do laundry, but with that bit of coaching, he was on his way.</p>
<p>With a daughter as a junior in college now, I can tell you that her independence has been a progression, not a big bang. Even though she’s always been a very organized child, senior year was overwhelming to her. She had a spreadsheet with all her schools’ deadlines. But we still needed to remind her to get various forms to fill out. As a freshman, the cord was still there. She still expected us to do a lot of mechanic stuff for her, and I was still reminding her about mundane day to day (making ride arrangement, go get a checkup). But over time, it has become less and less. I sometimes forget and still remind her to get her checkup or deposit money in her acct…She used to roll her eyes, now she just laughs about it and humors me.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is an exact formula on how much we should help our kids and when to let go. Each child is different, even in the same family. Becoming independent is an evolution and it always happens, when it does it’s also a bit of bitter sweet.</p>
<p>I was kind of the Editor-in-Chief when DS was going through the college app process last year. He filled out all the apps (for some reason we didn’t do the common app which might have cut down on his time spent filling out apps) and had me look them over before he hit the “submit” button. Only caught a few typos and glad to see that he wanted a second set of eyes looking things over. He took his essays to his English teacher who gave them the once over for grammar. Not too many corrections there, but, again, I was glad to see that he cared enough to have a professional look things over before he sent them off to the various colleges. </p>
<p>I did make sure he learned how to do his own laundry and handle a bank account before he moved away. I’m glad to report that he does his laundry once a week - even his sheets. I know this because he calls me while he is doing laundry. He also cleans his room once in while. He has dark blue carpeting in his dorm room, and it shows every little thing. Apparently, that bugs him so he gets the dorm hall vacuum and cleans his carpeting every once in a while.</p>
<p>I also went with him to the bookstore on campus when he bought his books just to make sure he knew how to handle his debit card. There was actually a problem and he did need my help, but he now knows to check the receipt carefully BEFORE signing off on it and to not be afraid to speak up if there is an error. </p>
<p>He is doing well. It took him a while to figure out bus routes, dining hall issues, and other odds and ends, but he’s only called home once to ask my advice. (He actually used those words - “Can I ask your advice?” I almost had a heart attack and am glad to report the issue is resolved to his satisfaction.) </p>
<p>The college app process is probably the last time you will be involved in your child’s life in a big way. If your child wants the help, then I say give it to him/her with a smile and a hug. Soon enough he/she will be standing tall on their own.</p>
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<p>Well, if you have a daughter, there’s the wedding…</p>
<p>^ and babies…</p>
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<p>True. Although my parents graciously stayed on the perimeter when I was planning my wedding, and I had input from the future in-laws, my sisters, the minister, the caterer, florist, etc. Maybe I should have said, “The college app process is probably the last time you ALONE will be involved in you child’s life in a big way.”</p>
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<p>Okay, okay, I concede the point for daughters.</p>
<p>I think it all depends on the kid.</p>
<p>When I applied to college, my mom was not involved in any of it. It’s not like she didn’t want to be, or that I did not want her involved. I was just a very independent kid and was only applying to six or seven schools so it was easy for me to follow up on deadlines and all of them used the Common App. She didn’t really find out what schools I applied to until the acceptance letters started coming in.</p>
<p>My sister on the other hand: battled with my mom on everything. My mom ended up filling out the majority of her common app, setting up her NCAA account to get recruited for Diving, and repeatedly going into her email account so that she wouldn’t miss deadlines because she was so ambivilent about the entire process. She ended up getting accepted to most of the schools she applied to, and then there were more battles about Financial Aid and which school she would actually go to, because she still didn’t feel strongly about going to school.</p>
<p>I help my D a lot with mundane life tasks, and so yes I worried about how she would manage without me at college. But this summer she participated in a program where she lived for 2 weeks on a college campus and seems to have done very well. She didn’t have to do laundry during that time, but I know she got up by herself and made it to all of the required classes and meetings, which several kids did not succeed in doing. Also, she went on 4 college athletic recruiting visits, where she also had to handle herself, get up in time, etc. The coaches still wanted her after those visits, so I assume she wasn’t a complete disaster. Granted, I helped her pack and prepare for those experiences, but I am still calmer knowing she managed. Also, S has said many times that college is much easier than high school as far as time management. The student has much more control over his own schedule, fewer hours in class, and much less nonsense and busywork to worry about. I expect D will find that true as well. </p>
<p>As for college stuff, I just used reverse psychology for her Stanford app. Told her not to bother applying, it’s too far away, yada yada. The results: she worked pretty hard on it last night, lol. I don’t blame kids for not wanting to do that particular one–it’s odious. I helped her a lot initially with researching schools, finalizing her long and then short list, arranging college visits to those schools, and managing e-mail and phone correspondence with college coaches. The applications and essay writing are all hers, though. I don’t ever want her to have reason to doubt that she got in all on her own merits. I did help proofread her common app. essays, and agreed with her own assessment of what the content problems were. She fixed them.</p>
<p>When my freshman son was a senior in high school, he had an absolutely crazy schedule. He was taking 6 APs, 2 other classes (one needed to graduate), he was an editor on the school paper, played on two varsity teams, on a high level club sport team with national travel obligations from November-June, and was both locally and nationally involved in his other EC. He got up before 6 every morning to run 3 to 5 miles just to relieve the stress. I don’t think he ever saw his pillow before 1 a.m.</p>
<p>He wanted to be told what to do and when to do it. So we sat down together on a rainy Sunday in August and looked at each school he thought he might apply to, and wrote down what each school required, and by when, and put it on a BIG master calendar. He had already visited a good number of schools, some more than once to meet with coaches, etc., and at this time we also made some tentative plans for some campus visits in November.</p>
<p>We looked at essay topics, etc., to figure out how many he actually needed to write.</p>
<p>He did what paper work he could to get ahead…he filled out transcript requests for all schools at once and turned them in during the week before school started (he figured even if he didn’t apply to all the schools, he was only spending $1 for each transcript–and he didn’t have to think about it any more). Same with his test scores–he sent them to all of the schools he was considering just to get it off his list. Same with his LORs–he had requested them in May (the school has rising seniors do that so the teachers can figure how much of a load they will have–also, as many teachers at our hs limit the number they will write, students have a chance to ask a second choice). He arranged to have the LORs sent at the same time as his transcripts so it was one less thing to think about.</p>
<p>It was a long rainy day but we purposely kept it friendly and low stress, baking cookies and grilling dinner despite the rain, with FoxSoccer on in the background all day long.</p>
<p>After that, every Friday I gave him a detailed list of what he needed to get done by the following Friday, and a list of what the week after that would hold. He would take it from there.</p>
<p>I was in charge of travel logistics because it would have been a waste of his time. I also periodically checked online for his application status at the various colleges, to make things had been received, etc., in case inquiries needed to be rade or documents re-sent. Again, this would have taken him a lot of time he could use more productively, and did not take control of the application process from him.</p>
<p>He gave both H and I copies of his essays to proof/comment on. We gave him written feedback, instead of oral, because we found it definitely reduced the feeling of conflict and because it definitely made us more conscious of the criticism we were offering. It was up to him what he did with our criticism. He is a very strong, creative writer with a voice that is all his own, and we did not want to tinker with that. For final drafts, we each proofed essays for proper word choice (to vs. too, there vs. their–things missed by spell check), and for grammar and punctuation.</p>
<p>He was just about done with all the application nonsense by mid-October, and already had received some acceptances and merit money offers. He was playing his sport and talking with coaches (he was only interested in D3).</p>
<p>The first week of November, we went on his last college trip. At the last moment, we added American University to the list because we were ending up the trip by visiting his brother who lives and works in DC, and we needed to keep busy during the day anyway.</p>
<p>American University knocked his socks off–we ended up spending a second day on the campus (and he was lucky enough to be able to schedule an interview on such very short notice, and sitting in on some classes), and he ended up applying ED because he could see himself no where else after this. It had all the opportunities he was looking for.</p>
<p>He was lucky he had all his ducks in a row, and that it was a simple matter to pull together most of the application. A quick visit to the GC to get all the school stuff sent (and to pick her up off the floor because until then my S had only been interested in small LACs–she also had to tweak her LOR as a result).</p>
<p>He is now a happy freshman at American, He wonders why he had to do all that other stuff when he really needed to do only one applicaiton.</p>
<p>So far he seems to be handling managing things on his own. He is marvelling at how much free time he seems to have, and also marvelling at how time seems to get away from him now that he has so much of it!</p>
<p>Per that list of questions, ds does all those so I guess I’m not that concerned about his college survival.</p>
<p>I’ve been the organizer-in-chief. And taskmaster about getting things done. He understands my type-A tendencies and has worked well ahead of deadlines. I’ve had a hand in editing essays, kicking ideas around, suggesting colleges to look at (some he applied to, some he didn’t).</p>
<p>But I understand your concern. We’ve gradually been handing more of the work over to him. Yesterday was a day off from school, and he pushed the button on three more apps and called three schools (at my request). Did he want to make those calls? No. Afterward, was he glad he did? Yes. He got some good information. This isn’t something most teen boys (and maybe girls) would do of their own initiative. I see all this as teaching life skills. He recently went on a college visit arranged by the college. He had to make a connecting flight, but after he was at the gate he learned that his first flight was going to be so delayed that he would miss the connection. I walked him through via phone how to get on another flight – including how to beg/plead/cry/whatever to make that happen. He had no experience in this – like he has no experience in applying to colleges. I’m not sure why parents who help with apps get such a bad rap. Or should feel guilty.</p>
<p>Here’s another thing in which I was extremely involved: applying for supplemental scholarships. </p>
<p>At each school to which Son was admitted, there were small scholarships available. But what senior has the time or motivation to apply for 2-4 small scholarships at each of 8 schools? </p>
<p>I made Son narrow the list to 4, then I looked at what scholarships were available. I made a supplemental spreadsheet for each of the four schools with deadlines, audition dates, etc and MADE Son apply for them. At that point it was a financial thing…HE wasn’t particularly motivated to get another $2000 at this school or $1500 at that, but it adds up and $8000 I don’t have to pay is $8000 I don’t have to pay. So I rode herd over him to do what would benefit me.</p>