<p>I am a h.s senior, but I would like to know the opinions of parents.
Are kids in American too free? I am foreign and I can see a clear difference in the way American kids behave and other kids...even the way kids are punished is sooo "free": Go to you room! They have a T.V, games, music, etc.
So, are kids too free in America?</p>
<p>The way I understand it, "go to your room!" is not a punishment so much as a way to end the argument that's going on.</p>
<p>When I get grounded, I can still use the computer/phone/tv (depending on why I'm grounded), but I can't go out. It seems like a lax punishment, but most teenagers are so social that it drives them crazy.</p>
<p>I don't think most teens are too free. Kids move typically move out at age 18, often very far away. If they've never had any freedom, they'll just go crazy. Part of freedom is responsibility, and I think it's worth parents giving up a little control in exchange for a smoother transition out of the home.</p>
<p>$.02</p>
<p>"kids" are people who can think for themselves </p>
<p>believe it or not some of us are capable of controlling our own lives.</p>
<p>hey you should have been here in the '60's if you think these kids are too free!</p>
<p>what sort of punishment do you see fit, breathfire? What age are we talking about? Seniors in HS? What sort of thing do you think deserves punishment?</p>
<p>Are kids in other countries too "confined"?</p>
<p>Kids too free??</p>
<p>As a parent, I can tell you that kids are very EXPENSIVE! Not free at all!</p>
<p>i've never been grounded or sent to my room... but i don't think kids are too free. it just depends how you were raised and whatnot.. free to one kid may be confined to another.</p>
<p>"The way I understand it, "go to your room!" is not a punishment so much as a way to end the argument that's going on."
Momsdream: I do not have a "perfect punishment". If you go by psychology, there is an idea that all that punishment does is create a way to avoid it.
Also, it is simple psychology, and pure logic to understand that "go to your room" will just end the argument and not solve anything..as lionswim said.
I am 17 years old. If I did something wrong, I don't want to be sent off to my room. I will not understand my mistake, I will just sit there mad, and that's it.
I know kids whose parents are like that. Eventually the child learns to associate an argument with sitting inside his/her room. In my household, it's :
"accepted, understood, remembered and never again misused."
Bad behavior should be cut down, not suppressed by "going to your room".
It is better to be punished at home, by your loved ones who care about you than to carry on your crappy behavior outside, and get hurt by someone who could care less about how you feel, b/c they don't like your behavior. Don't you think? In the real world, people are not going to say "go to your room".</p>
<p>momsdream...I didn't want to seem like I was jumping at your question. Sorry if I did.</p>
<p>breathfire-</p>
<p>It sounds as if your main gripe is that you don't think kids are learning lessons because they don't know what they did wrong. I disagree. I find that my kids and most kids of people I know break rules that are obvious - staying out too late, not taking out the trash, failing to do something the parent asked, talking back......these aren't deep philosophical issues. These are basic rules that kids are breaking. They break them, know they broke them, know that punishment will come and will think about the punishment before they break them again. </p>
<p>I'm not sure what kind of things people in your home country do wrong that they don't realize is wrong. But, if such is the case, I agree that a deeper level of discussion and laying of the ground rules is needed. If, at 17-18, you are doing things that are wrong and you didn't know they were wrong, then there is probably a deeper issue at hand....and it really has nothing to do with punishments or what is going on with American kids.</p>
<p>Perhaps Americans just have a more basic set of rules by which our kids are expected to live - I don't find it complicated, at all. </p>
<p>FWIW, I don't send to the room. I know what my son's hot buttons are - going out, his car, money. Those are the things that I would withold if I had to. </p>
<p>Typically, he is able to solve whatever problem he has created that has caused me to consider a punishment. IMHO, that's more important. </p>
<p>Example: taking out the trash is his job. I don't care when or how he does it....I just want it gone by Friday night (trash day). Sometimes he forgets to get it to the curb before school on Fri. I also hand out allowance on Friday, after school. He knows that I won't give him his allowance if there is any trash. Thus, if he forgets to get the trash out on Fri morning it is up to him to figure out what to do with the bags of trash before he comes to me for money. He has managed to locate the nearest city dump....and knows that he can load his car with big nasty, smelly bags of week-old trash to haul 20 minutes away to the dump. I don't care if his car smells like a dump afterwards, that's his problem. I just want the trash gone. Lesson for him: if you miss a deadline, you still have to complete the task...and usually at a higher price (this translates to lessons about late fees - the smelly car is his late fee). Again, this is not a lesson I am teaching or imposing. He is learning it on his own. He knows what nees to be done - and he knows the price of doing it late. </p>
<p>I am very fair about expectations and meeting them. Sometimes my kids make me angry by doing things that are against what I want. But, if I have never communicated with them on the topic, I can't punish them for it (unless they are breaking a common-sense kind of rule). Parents hold responsibility for being clear about their rules....and about enforcing them routinely. If kids in yourcountry are breaking rules that they didn't know existed, then the problem isn't with the kids..IMHO.</p>
<p>kids break similar rules all over the world. The punishment is different.
That could be b/c many kids of other nations do not have "allowances" or cars at 17, or even their own room. So parents can't put restrictions on those things, b/c they do not exist.
All I meant to say is that, in America it seems as if kids grow up quickly. Of course, momsdream, I understand it's a cultural thing.
In my culture, for ex--I'm Russian, kids do not have to move out early in order to prove some sort of a maturity...you know what I mean? I know people who think that if you don't move out by 21 you're a "momma's boy" etc. Honesty, I am a girl, I don't want to move away from my mom just to go by the "standards". This is extremely harsh for guys, b/c if they say how much they love their mom a whole whole whole lot, some of their friends might think that they are "not cool" or "immature" or, my fav. "momma's boy".
I mean, what if you're the only child and you don't have a father? Should you move out, leave your mother alone and live alone yourself just to go by these, I am sorry, but stupid rules? What drives me nuts is when kids put their parents into a home for the elderly!! I think it's soo mean!! Like you parents are disposiable!! You are probably a wonderful parent from what I see.</p>
<p>I have always tried not to use punitive discipline but to reward for positive behavior and trying to somewhat control situations as appropriate so that it is easier to make choices that I would like to encourage.
Also logical consequences- color on the wall- they clean it off- miss a curfew without a good explanation- miss next social opportunity.
I have sent my kids to their room but not for punishment- more to get them out of my face- I also have locked myself in the bathroom or my car for the same result.</p>
<p>positive reinforcement is good :)</p>
<p>"I also have locked myself in the bathroom or my car for the same result." - that made me laugh out loud EK!!!</p>
<p>breathfire, I see what you mean. I do agree that Americans, on the whole, seem to place less emphasis on family bonds and the "village" approach. Such is a cultural thing. You are right that parents in other cultures have less to take away and I have no idea who they handle punishments. Moving out for college seems to be one of American's most popular rituals around entering adulthood. </p>
<p>Other cultures have other rituals and ceremonies to accomplish the same. Some of the CC parents believe that placing great physical distance between the child and family is an appropriate and effective ritual. </p>
<p>Some of us have children who will be "coming out" in the debutante tradition (my son will do this in April)....where they are presented and welcomed into adult society with great ceremony and formal celebration. This tradition isn't very popular in America - but is popular in other cultures. </p>
<p>In other countries there are many different ways to marking the transition into adulthood - some of these countires mark it with a move away from home - such as into a new village - others don't. </p>
<p>Even within our own American culture there are many different opinions on how to accomplish the goal. </p>
<p>Just remember that people who mark someone as a "momma's boy" for not leaving home at 18 are reacting to their own limited global view. Explain your culture to them and help them to understand that the entire world doesn't revolve around what someone in Pennsylvania, Texas or Oregon was raised to believe was right. This is why we want our kids to go to school with people from other cultures!!</p>
<p>:) I agree with you!</p>
<p>Momsdream, I beleive with your concept as go to your room . I explained it to my daughter this way- when you commit a crime against society they lock you up and take away your privileges. If you commit a "crime against this society" (the rules and guidelines that have been established in ** my** house, you will ose your privileges.</p>
<p>I have grounded before it things come to that point there is no living the life of Riley in your room; (I unhooked the cable, took out the phones, disconnected the computer, took out the speakers, allowance, then it was school and home.)</p>
<p>I have been lucky that my child is totally a quality of life person so it only took one grounding, then never wanted to do anything that woudl remotely place her quality of life in jeopardy.</p>
<p>smart child. quick learner.</p>
<p>Sybbie, It was Lionswin who sends to the room. I don't send to the room. I can't be bothered unhooking all of that stuff - cable, internet, phone, stereo. Plus, he wouldn't be all that stressed by that as he would just go to sleep or read. As with your D, it just hasn't ever been that bad. My only gripe is the trash - and watcing him drive off to the dump with the car loaded with bags of trash is satisfactory for me ;) If he ever really acted out, I would take the car keys and cut back on the cash.</p>
<p>Sorry, about that.</p>
<p>However I do believe as I got older, I was not going to be aggravated with a lot of yelling as the kids went tra-la-la anlong their way and your are giving thanks that you didn't just have a stroke mid-sentence. </p>
<p>If we really did not like our house, and fear our kids would acclimate to just having one more thing in their room, we could always put the trash in there and wait for them to take it out- but it would be a long wait.</p>