lame/funny jokes

College Confidential Community
181

<p>hope it does not offend christians or anything:</p>

<p>Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was
cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A
bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns
asked. "Well, of course, I threw them in the trash." The second
nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away
the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other
nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!"
she replied. The third nun fainted....</p>

182

<p>I think I've seen the General Reinwald one on bash.org</p>

183

<p>I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.</p>

<p>I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay... Do you hear me?... Stay!... Stay!"</p>

<p>The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"</p>

184

<p>I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. </p>

<p>I had amnesia once -- or twice. </p>

<p>I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? </p>

<p>Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. </p>

<p>All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. </p>

<p>If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. </p>

<p>What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? </p>

<p>They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them. </p>

<p>Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. </p>

<p>Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. </p>

<p>Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. </p>

<p>What if there were no hypothetical questions? </p>

<p>One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. </p>

<p>When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail. </p>

<p>A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. </p>

<p>What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm? </p>

<p>My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. </p>

<p>I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. </p>

<p>The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. </p>

<p>How can there be self-help "groups"? </p>

<p>Is there another word for synonym? </p>

<p>Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? </p>

<p>The speed of time is one-second per second. </p>

<p>Is it possible to be totally partial? </p>

<p>What's another word for thesaurus? </p>

<p>Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? </p>

<p>If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? </p>

<p>Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. </p>

<p>It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. </p>

<p>Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?</p>

185

<p>Those are some awesome one liners, neha.</p>

186

<p>A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on
the importance of observing details. </p>

<p>To emphasize his point,Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample
for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease
from which the patient suffers." </p>

<p>He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He
continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case." </p>

<p>The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown. </p>

<p>Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying:
"Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details.
Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"</p>

187

<p>Things you don't want to hear during surgery:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Oops! </p></li>
<li><p>Has anyone seen my watch? </p></li>
<li><p>That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. </p></li>
<li><p>Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! </p></li>
<li><p>Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? </p></li>
<li><p>OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. </p></li>
<li><p>Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. </p></li>
<li><p>Come back with that! Bad Dog! </p></li>
<li><p>Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? </p></li>
<li><p>Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie </p></li>
<li><p>If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. </p></li>
<li><p>Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? </p></li>
<li><p>Damn, there go the lights again... </p></li>
<li><p>Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. </p></li>
<li><p>Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! </p></li>
<li><p>I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. </p></li>
<li><p>Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. </p></li>
<li><p>Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? </p></li>
<li><p>What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! </p></li>
<li><p>What do you mean, he's not insured? </p></li>
<li><p>This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? </p></li>
<li><p>Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? </p></li>
<li><p>Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. </p></li>
<li><p>What do you mean "You want a divorce"! </p></li>
<li><p>I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. </p></li>
<li><p>Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch" </p></li>
<li><p>That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? </p></li>
<li><p>Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving. </p></li>
<li><p>FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!</p></li>
</ul>

188

<p>Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>

189

<p>neha you're priceless :)</p>

190

<p>where do you get all of these jokes?</p>

191

<p>"Things you don't want to hear during surgery:</p>

<ul>
<li>Oops! "</li>
</ul>

<p>The sad thing?? i've acually heard that while the dentist was working on me....needless to say, it was not a fun experience.</p>

<p>"* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! "
....Alias, I'm assuming? maybe? Hee</p>

<p>I've got a few corny ones:</p>

<p>-A guy walks into a bar. He says, "ouch"</p>

<p>-A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...</p>

<p>-What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
--Anybody can roast beef...</p>

192

<p>astrix that is hillarious! thanks for posting it.</p>

193

<p>i dun see astrix's joke......he deleted it?? :(</p>

194

<p>I think (s)he just read the first page and posted that - astrix has posted jokes on the first page :p</p>

195

<p>A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!! He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."</p>

<p>So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."</p>

<p>So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."</p>

<hr>

196

<p>A little boy wanted $50 very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to
write God a letter requesting the $50.When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to forward it to the President of the
United States as a joke. The President was so amused,
that he instructed his secretary to send the little
boy a $20 bill. The President thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The
little boy was delighted with the $20 bill, and
decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that you sent it through the White
House in Washington, DC ..and those *******s deducted
$30.00 in taxes</p>

197

<p><em>a girls first time</em> </p>

<p>(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy) </p>

<p>It's your first time. As you lie back your </p>

<p>muscles tighten. You put him </p>

<p>off for a while searching for an excuse, but he </p>

<p>;refuses to be swayed as he </p>

<p>approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you </p>

<p>shake your head bravely. </p>

<p>He has had more experience, but it's the first </p>

<p>time his finger has found </p>

<p>the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; </p>

<p>your body tenses; but </p>

<p>he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks </p>

<p>deeply within your eyes </p>

<p>and tells you to trust him - he's done this many </p>

<p>times before. His cool </p>

<p>smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him </p>

<p>;more room for an easy </p>

<p>entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, </p>

<p>but he slowly takes his </p>

<p>time, wanting to cause you as little pain as </p>

<p>possible. As he presses </p>

<p>;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give </p>

<p>way; pain surges throughout </p>

<p>your body and you feel the slight trickle of </p>

<p>blood as he continues. He </p>

<p>looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too </p>

<p>painful.Your eyes are </p>

<p>filled with tears but you shake your head and nod </p>

<p>for him to go on. He </p>

<p>begins going in and out with skill but you are </p>

<p>now too numb to feel him </p>

<p>within you. After a few moments, you feel </p>

<p>something bursting within you and </p>

<p>he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to </p>

<p>have it over. He looks </p>

<p>at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a </p>

<p>chuckle; that you have been </p>

<p>his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. </p>

<p>You smile and thank your </p>

<p>dentist. After all,it was your first time to have </p>

<p>a tooth pulled.</p>

198

<p>How would that be his most rewarding experience?</p>

199

<p>neha1 thanks for the awesome jokes! :)</p>

200

<p>that's an AWSOME JOKE:</p>

<p>WOMAN RIGHTS!</p>

<p>just joking</p>