<p>neha, for the getting caught while sleeping list, you can add the one from Family Guy. "I wasn't sleeping. There was a bug in my eye and I was trying to suffocate him"</p>
<p>TOP TEN MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS </p>
<p>10) Competition is good. 90% market share is better. </p>
<p>9) We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details. </p>
<p>We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly branded everywhere, at any price. </p>
<p>7) The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes." </p>
<p>6) When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers on a one-day rampage against government. That always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats. </p>
<p>5) We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is free)! </p>
<p>4) Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess. </p>
<p>3) We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of Apple. </p>
<p>2) The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release software patches on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors. </p>
<p>and finally,
1) No Netscape for you!</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Can you cry under water? </p></li>
<li><p>If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? </p></li>
<li><p>Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? </p></li>
<li><p>Why does a round pizza come in a square box? </p></li>
<li><p>Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? </p></li>
<li><p>If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? </p></li>
<li><p>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground? </p></li>
<li><p>If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? </p></li>
<li><p>Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? </p></li>
<li><p>Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. </p></li>
<li><p>Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you<code>re stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you</code>re stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma`am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"</p>
<p>A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on
a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the
Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The
Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.</p>
<p>The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy
and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a
question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."</p>
<p>Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.</p>
<p>The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $50!"</p>
<p>This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to
this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The
Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?"</p>
<p>The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet,
pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.</p>
<p>Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"</p>
<p>The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all of his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net
and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to
his co-workers -- all to no avail.</p>
<p>After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to
get back to sleep.</p>
<p>The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer
and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"</p>
<p>Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5,
and turns away to get back to sleep</p>
<p>
[quote]
4) Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>What the hell would you be doing with your pants down and your hands in the cookie jar?</p>
<p>lol, I love this thread</p>
<p>ppl, can u all post more jokes!!!!! i am soon gonan run out of them.... :(</p>
<p>anyway:</p>
<p>Once all the scientists die and go to heaven.........They decide to play hide-n-seek......Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den........... He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....Everyone starts hiding except Newton.......</p>
<p>Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein........Einstein's counting......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........ </p>
<p>Einstein says "newton's out..newton's....out....." </p>
<p>Newton denies and says i am not out.....He claims that he is not Newton...All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not </p>
<p>Newton.....Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared...That makes me Newton per meter squared...since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT !!!!!!!!"</p>
<p>omg</p>
<p>that last one was so freakin awesome</p>
<p>A local radio station was running a competition-words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali. </p>
<p>DJ "96fm here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Tweaky."
DJ: "Tweaky, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an." </p>
<p>DJ: "...You are correct, Tweaky, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" </p>
<p>Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!" </p>
<p>The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all un-successful until: </p>
<p>DJ: "96fm, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Doughnut."
DJ: "Doughnut, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'." </p>
<p>DJ: "...Your are correct, Doughnut, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. </p>
<p>Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" </p>
<p>Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"</p>
<p>Hahahahahahahahahaha...</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>neha1>>>you are an amazing treasure box of jokes.</p>
<p>a guy walks into a bar and wearliy sits down. the bartender says, "man, you look terrible. what happened?" the man simply states, "lawyers are <em>**holes." with that, a man stands up in the back of the bar and shouts "hey, i take offense to that." the first may says "why, are you a lawyer?", and the second man responds, "no, i'm an *</em>*hole."</p>
<p>Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."</p>
<p>neha: If you spin an Oriental, does he become disoriented?</p>
<p>err....not sure.........
so wats ur answer?? :p</p>
<p>A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.</p>
<p>"You all have obsessions," he observed. </p>
<p>To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." </p>
<p>He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."</p>
<p>He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."</p>
<p>At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."</p>
<p>The Best Comeback Line Ever ... </p>
<p>Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love
this!!!! </p>
<p>This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor Boy Scout Troops visiting his military installation. </p>
<p>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? </p>
<p>GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. </p>
<p>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? </p>
<p>GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. </p>
<p>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children? </p>
<p>GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. </p>
<p>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. </p>
<p>GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? </p>
<p>The radio went silent and the interview ended.</p>
<p>That seems like a twist off of a fishing joke.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>wat fishing joke?? post it here........ :p</p>
<p>Sry, can't remember it all. Somebody else must know this, its pretty wide knowledge.</p>
<p>:)</p>