<p>hey ppl,
i am sure a lot or most of us are pretty stressed now with the RD results...how abt some jokes etc to lighten up the mood and relax us...funny or lame but not dirty ones...</p>
<p>here goes one:</p>
<p>A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, </p>
<p>"What are all those clocks?" </p>
<p>St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move". </p>
<p>"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that? </p>
<p>That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." </p>
<p>"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" </p>
<p>St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." </p>
<p>"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man. </p>
<p>"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."</p>
<p>The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having s exual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A.</p>
<p>I can't take credit for this one; it's actually from philntex. I found it pretty funny in the sick, "It's disgusting that I actually understand this joke" sense.</p>
<hr>
<p>E-to-the-x and a constant are walking down the street. Suddenly, in the distance they see a differential opperator. The constant shrieks out "Oh no, I'll be reduced to zero," and hides in the bushes. Meanwhile, e-to-the-x, is like, "Hey!, I'm e-to-the-x. I'll show that differential opperator not to mess with me." So, e-to-the-x goes up to the differential opperator and says, "Ha, I'm e-to-the-x, your evil powers are useless against me." The differential operator then busts out laughing and says, "Really? I'm d/dy."</p>
<p>hehe.....thnx u guys.......i dun take credit for them either, not like i invented them.lol...........ya juz at the expense of my office work, i saw them at other places and decided to treat us at cc....we rock!!<br>
:D
<em>looks up to heaven and hopes our college prayers are answered</em></p>
<p>bush quotes are funny to me...here are some</p>
<p>"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."</p>
<p>"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."</p>
<p>"If you're a younger person, you ought to be asking members of Congress and the United States Senate and the president what you intend to do about it. If you see a train wreck coming, you ought to be saying, what are you going to do about it, Mr. Congressman, or Madam Congressman?"</p>
<p>"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" </p>
<p>"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position." </p>
<p>"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."</p>
<p>"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." </p>
<p>"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."</p>
<p>9/11, bush received a phone call by saddam.
bush: what the frick you are calling me for?
saddam: sorry for the lost... such great buildings, so many people... what a tragedy...
bush: what building? what poeple?...
saddam: ehhhh.. what time is it??
bush: 2pm what the F*** you are talking about..
saddam: sorry wrong time.... call you back in 1 hour...</p>
<p>after pentagon is being bombed... china called
Hu: hello this is Hu Jing Tao.
Bush: oh mr hu!
Hu: i would like to express my greastest apology in my heart towards such tragedy.
bush: oh thank you.
Hu in case there is any important document lost in the penmtagon, pls call us, we can give you our copy.</p>
<p>bush and powell talking abt an attack in invading afganistan.
bush: you think no one will criticise us?
powell: very sure.
a bar tender walk by.
Powell: we are expecting to invade afganistan and kill 3 million of afgans and 2 hair barbers.
bar tender: 2 hair barbers? what the hell they are involve in this attack??
Powel turn to bush: see? nobody care about the 3 million afgans.</p>
<p>I love this thread, its sort of sad that I understand the calc joke... to make it more esoteric I would have used the del operator or the laplacian(any multivariable calc kids will know what I'm talking about)</p>
<p>and the question to the test is EXACTLY the sort of question my physics prof at my local cc would ask.. for example, </p>
<p>at what speed would you have to throw the curve-setter off the roof to kill him
and would it make any difference if he were rolled down a flat plane?</p>
<p>or, how fast can you turn the corner to rush to class so that you don't crash into burger king(across the street) This was fun because I actually got the specs of my car and did it, it was 35.4 mph, I tried this though I could never get myself to go above 25</p>
<p>bush quotes are CLASSIC</p>
<p>"Make the pie higher"
"Vulcanize Society"</p>
<p>btw, there is a poem made entirely of bush quotes titled "Make the pie higher" can anyone find it?</p>
<p>I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.</p>
<p>Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?</p>
<p>They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.</p>
<p>Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher</p>
<p>"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."</p>
<p>George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?"
Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
George: "Great. Lay it on me."
Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
George: "That's what I want to know."
Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "I mean the fellow's name."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The guy in China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The new leader of China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The Chinaman!"
Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
George: "That's whose name?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."
Condoleeza: "That's correct."
George: "Then who is in China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir is in China?"
Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Then who is?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir?"
Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "No, thanks."
Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
George: "No."
Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
Condoleeza: "And call who?"
George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."
George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi."
George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."</p>
<p>Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.</p>
<p>"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.</p>
<p>Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.</p>
<p>The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.</p>
<p>To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.</p>
<p>Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."</p>