<p>mekrob: do u have to keep on askin ques abt the jokes?? :p juz enjoy man if u find the funny......</p>
<p>Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. </p>
<p>A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. </p>
<p>Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe. </p>
<p>His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. </p>
<p>While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. </p>
<p>When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. </p>
<p>Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise! </p>
<p>To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.</p>
<p>bump!!! someone post!!!!!!!!</p>
<p>BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?" </p>
<p>EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied. </p>
<p>BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your
brother's funeral, he came here looking for you." </p>
<p>EMPLOYEE : "Eeishh..."</p>
<p>**three women went to heaven. they were told that: "If you step on a duck you will be chained to an ugly man for the rest of your life. SO BE CAREFUL." the women laughed it off and said, if we were careful enough to get to heaven, we will NOT step on any ducks! </p>
<p>unfortunately, the woman who said this treaded on a duck a week later and was chained to a hideous man. and that's what happened to the other one, too. </p>
<p>the third lass who was AMAZINGLY careful was eventually told that she was to be blessed by being chained to the most beautiful man ever. and she was! </p>
<p>after a while of getting to know that man, she sighed out, "I wonder what I did to deserve this..." and the man replied, "well i don't know about you, but i stepped on a duck..."**</p>
<p>Why Teachers Get So Mad</p>
<p>TEACHER: Why are you late? </p>
<p>WEBSTER: Because of the sign.</p>
<p>TEACHER: What sign?</p>
<p>WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." </p>
<hr>
<p>TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables! </p>
<hr>
<p>TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? </p>
<p>JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" </p>
<p>TEACHER: No, that's wrong </p>
<p>JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!</p>
<hr>
<p>Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?</p>
<p>Pupil : A teacher. </p>
<hr>
<p>Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? </p>
<p>Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!</p>
<hr>
<p>TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? </p>
<p>SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!! </p>
<p>TEACHER: What are you talking about?</p>
<p>SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! </p>
<hr>
<p>TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Here it is! </p>
<p>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? </p>
<p>CLASS: George!</p>
<hr>
<p>TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.</p>
<p>WILLY: Me!</p>
<p>Once a person slapped a man called Ahmed in the street. Later he came back and started to apologize and said that he had mistaken Ahmed for someone else. But Ahmed was not satisfied and took tight hold of his collar, took him to the judge and told the judge about the incident. </p>
<p>The judge ordered, "Ahmed must slap that person to avenge. But Ahmed wasn't satisfied. Thus the judge ordered the person to give Ahmed a gold coin in lieu of the slap. The accused had to go out of the court to bring the gold coin. </p>
<p>Ahmed waited for sometime. The accused didn't come back. </p>
<p>Ahmed stood up and slapped the judge on his face and said, "Since I have a lot of work, whenever that person comes and brings the coin, you take the money for this slap." </p>
<p>A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" </p>
<p>The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" </p>
<p>"Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" </p>
<p>"But I am not an American!" says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" </p>
<p>The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."</p>
<p>lol.....!!
specially the last one....and thnx for adding the color, cheers up the thread :)</p>
<p>In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said t
what a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy,</p>
<p>one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.</p>
<p>attempting to revive this awesome thread</p>
<p>especially loved your joke sarorah. </p>
<p>(paraphrasing this joke I read a few days ago) </p>
<p>Old Bush and his two sons Pappy and Dubya go to a restaurant where there are weekly raffles. They each buy tickets and each win a prize. The next week they return to the restaurant, and the manager asks them how they are enjoying their prizes. </p>
<p>Old Bush remarks that he is enjoying his year long supply of pasta very much, and Pappy remarks that he is enjoying his one month supply of pasta as well. </p>
<p>Dubya, however, has not been enjoying his prize very much. "I wont a toilet brush, but I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper because it isn't very comfortable."</p>
<p>bah the original wording was better.</p>
<p>i dun get it.... :(
but thanks for the revival effort :)</p>
<p>Here's a revival effort</p>
<p>Rule One: </p>
<p>If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up. </p>
<p>Rule Two: </p>
<p>You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. </p>
<p>Rule Three: </p>
<p>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place to your waist. </p>
<p>Rule Four: </p>
<p>I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. </p>
<p>Rule Five: </p>
<p>It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is: "early"</p>
<p>Rule Six: </p>
<p>I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry. </p>
<p>Rule Seven: </p>
<p>As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car? </p>
<p>Rule Eight: </p>
<p>The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce
my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better. </p>
<p>Rule Nine: </p>
<p>Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me. </p>
<p>Rule Ten: </p>
<p>Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car and drive away -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
at the window is mine.</p>
<p>bump........!!! :p</p>
<p>BUMP!!!!!! someone post!!!!!!</p>
<p>This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by
people in various places.... </p>
<ol>
<li><p>An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave.</p></li>
<li><p>From an employee who was performing
the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."</p></li>
<li><p>Leave-letter from an employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."</p></li>
<li><p>"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave."</p></li>
<li><p>Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave."</p></li>
<li><p>An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."</p></li>
<li><p>A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request
you to leave me today"</p></li>
<li><p>Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."</p></li>
<li><p>Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."</p></li>
<li><p>Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."</p></li>
<li><p>Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".</p></li>
<li><p>Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."</p></li>
<li><p>A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist
and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past
several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying
for the post.</p></li>
</ol>
<p><em>bump</em> :p
i misss this thread</p>
<p>"ClassiC DefinitionS & CooL MeaningS"</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end
& a fool at the other.</p></li>
<li><p>Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals
are more popular than a five day test.</p></li>
<li><p>Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and a woman gains her master</p></li>
<li><p>Divorce : Future tense of marriage</p></li>
<li><p>Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either".</p></li>
<li><p>Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.</p></li>
<li><p>Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.</p></li>
<li><p>Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water-power ..</p></li>
<li><p>Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.</p></li>
<li><p>Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.</p></li>
<li><p>Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling
you have never felt before.</p></li>
<li><p>Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.</p></li>
<li><p>Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.</p></li>
<li><p>Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.</p></li>
<li><p>Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.</p></li>
<li><p>Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.</p></li>
<li><p>Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.</p></li>
<li><p>Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.</p></li>
<li><p>Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.</p></li>
<li><p>Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.</p></li>
<li><p>Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that
you actually look forward to the trip.</p></li>
<li><p>Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally
falls into a river.</p></li>
<li><p>Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in
midway "See I am not injured yet."</p></li>
<li><p>Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.</p></li>
<li><p>Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.</p></li>
<li><p>Father : A banker provided by nature.</p></li>
<li><p>Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.</p></li>
<li><p>Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.</p></li>
<li><p>Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.</p></li>
<li><p>Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with
his bills.</p></li>
<li><p>Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......</p></li>
</ol>
<p>ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a
beautiful deserted island in the
middle of nowhere:</p>
<p>A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman</p>
<p>One month later, on various parts of the island,the following was
observed:</p>
<p>A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.</p>
<p>B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together.</p>
<p>C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.</p>
<p>D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is
cooking & cleaning for them.</p>
<p>E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long
look at the Polish woman,and
they started swimming.</p>
<p>F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island
trying to sell them the Mexican woman.</p>
<p>H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American Woman
is complaining about her body being
her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that
they can do, about the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is
improving.</p>
<p>I. The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to
the Indian woman.</p>
<p>Cartoon Laws of Physics
-----------------------</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law I</h1>
<p>Any body suspended in space will remain in space until
made aware of its
situation.</p>
<p>Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further
pastureland. He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances
to look down. At
this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
second per second takes
over.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law II</h1>
<p>Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until
solid matter
intervenes suddenly.</p>
<p>Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot,
cartoon characters
are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir
Isaac Newton called
this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
surcease.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law III</h1>
<p>Any body passing through solid matter will leave a
perforation conforming
to its perimeter.</p>
<p>Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon
is the specialty
of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
the wall of a
house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law IV</h1>
<p>The time required for an object to fall twenty stories
is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off
the ledge to spiral
down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.</p>
<p>Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to
capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law V</h1>
<p>All principles of gravity are negated by fear.</p>
<p>Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a
shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
The feet of a
character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law VI</h1>
<p>As speed increases, objects can be in several places
at once.</p>
<p>This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several
places simultaneously. This effect is common as well
among bodies that
are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character
has the option of
self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
ricochet off walls to
achieve the velocity required.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law VII</h1>
<p>Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to
resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.</p>
<p>This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled
generations, but at least it
is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an
opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
theoretical space. The
painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts
to follow into the
painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of
science.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law VIII</h1>
<p>Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is
impermanent.</p>
<p>Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the
traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity,
they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.</p>
<p>Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its
container.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law IX</h1>
<p>Everything falls faster than an anvil.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law X</h1>
<p>For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite
revengeance.</p>
<p>This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that
also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of watching
it happen to a duck instead.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law Amendment A</h1>
<p>A sharp object will always propel a character upward.</p>
<p>When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp
object (usually a pin),
a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up,
with great velocity.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law Amendment B</h1>
<p>The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool"
characters.</p>
<p>Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make
previously nonexistent
objects appear from behind their backs at will. For
instance, the Road
Runner can materialize signs to express himself
without speaking.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law Amendment C</h1>
<p>Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.</p>
<p>They merely turn characters temporarily black and
smoky.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law Amendment D</h1>
<p>Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large
wavelengths.</p>
<p>Their operation can be witnessed by observing the
behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will
begin to fall first,
causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its
torso, that part
will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As
the head begins to
fall, tension is released and the canine will resume
its regular
proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.</p>
<h1>Cartoon Law Amendment E</h1>
<p>Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces"
(spaces in which
cartoon laws hold).</p>
<p>The process is analogous to steady-state theories of
the universe which
postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a
space would cause
the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite
quanta are quite large
(stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are
attracted to psychic
forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool"
characters (see
Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law),
who are able to
use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine
C-spaces where all
matter and energy result from primal masses of
dynamite exploding. A big
bang indeed.</p>