<p>Okay, so there was this boy, and he loooooved trains. All his life he wanted to be a train conductor, so he went to all the classes to get into the best train conducting school. He took AP Train Conducting, Train Conducting in Literature, whatever it took. Finally he got into Harvard Train Conduction School, quite possibly the best in the world for Train Conducting Studies. Finally he graduated and got a job with the Swiss Bullet Train company as a conductor. So he was conducting, when all of a sudden he saw these yodelers, yodeling on the tracks, and he hated yodelers, so he decided to rev the train up as fast as it could go. He almost got to the speed of light when he just plowed right through this pack of yodelers (yes, they travel in packs...on train tracks...that rhymes.) It was just awful, there was yodeler EVERYWHERE and there was nothing he could do about it. He was caught by the brutal Swiss police and brought before a judge. The judge said: Why, sir, did you run over those valuable yodelers? What were you thinking? So the conduction replies "I'm sorry, I just hate them so much...WHY MUST THEY SING SO BADLY?!?! I just had to run over them, I snapped, I don't know what came over me." So the judge replied "Well, that's all well and good, but you do know I'll have to give you the death penalty, right? We're bringing it back just for you, you monster you." So the judge made his ruling, and the conductor was going to get the chair. So the conductor went before the executioner and the executioner said to him "So, before I do this, do you have any last requests?" To that, the conductor replied "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I would like a red banana. The only problem is, at this time of year they only grow at the highest peaks of Mt. Everest and are surrounded by a multitude, plethora if you will, of angry, man-eating mountain goats." So the executioner send all of his henchmen, wave after wave of henchmen, out to Mt. Everest to retrieve this coveted banana. They reach the top of Mt. Everest, give or take a few henchmen, and find this banana. They see the goats, grazing, doing their goat thang and decide that they're harmless. Thus one particularly burly henchman goes a grabs the banana. All of a sudden wave after wave of goat come and absolutely destroy these henchmen, thousands of perfectly usable henchmen,gone. Except for that burly one, he was missing a few legs, but he was fine. So he rode his bike back down Mt. Everest and in to Switzerland, hands the banana over to the executioner and promptly dies. The executioner gives the banana to the conductor, the conductor eats the banana, the executioner flips the switch three times and nothing happens. To that, the executioner says "Well, you know the rule, if I can't kill you after three tries, you're free to go." So the conductor is released and tries to get his job back, but he can't, because he did, after all, kill those yodelers. After hearing this, he tries to get a job elsewhere and finally ends up in Los Angeles, conducting a commuter train. All was going well, he loved his new job, perhaps even more than his other job, when one day he spots some beatniks on the tracks. He hated beatniks, they were next on the list behind those damn yodelers. Again, he snapped. He sped the train up to 80mph and absolutely destroyed those beatniks. There were barrette, bongos, and poetry everywhere, the air reeked of fair trade coffee and expresso, it was terrible. He went before the same judge, who moved to California. He said to him "Why the goddamn hell did you run over those beatniks?!? Now where am I gonna get my coffee? That's it, I'm giving you the death penalty so fast your goddamn eyes are gonna explode out of their sockets." So the conductor goes to the executioner, who also moved to LA and was asked once again "So, do you have any last requests?" The conductor replied "Yes, I certainly do. I would like a red banana. The only problem is, this time of year they only grow in South Africa, and they are surrounded by a **** load (that is the proper term, I believe) of wild, angry South African penguins." So the executioner, now free of henchmen, gathered the entire LAPD and sent them all out to South Africa. At this point, there is no police in LA, so there are riots, looters, the whole damn city is in chaos. So the LAPD are in South Africa and they see the red banana. They also see the penguins, but they look docile, just having their dinner party, dressed in their cute little tuxedo's, so one police officer, once again quite burly, goes for the banana. To this, the penguin's go insane. After throwing their chardonay back into its proper carafe, they attack. Wave after wave of penguins come at the police officer, the LAPD is completely outnumber, all but the one officer are completely annihilated. The one officer, badly bleeding, rides his moped back across the ocean, across the US and back to LA to give the red banana to his executioner master. He gives him the banana, and promptly dies. The executioner gives the banana to the conductor, the conductor eats the banana, the executioner flips the switch three times and nothing happens. To that, the executioner says "Well, you know the rule, if I can't kill you after three tries, you're free to go." So the conductor is released and tries to get his job back, but he can't, because even LA has it's standards. So the conductor finally gets a job, the best job he could get, conducting a kiddy train in the mall. So he's going along, having a fine day, until he sees this damn kids on the tracks. He hates kids, which leaves one to wonder why he took the job in the first place. Anyway, nonetheless he revs the train up to 4 MPH and plows right through these kids. The parents are, needless to say, ***<em>ed. They're all "why did you kill my baby? I want a refund!" So the conductor goes in front of the judge and the judge says to him "What's wrong with you, why did you kill those kids? They cost thousands of dollars!" to which the conductor says "We are talking about people, right?" And the judge promptly sentences him to the chair. So the conductor goes to the executioners, sits down, and the executioner says " You again?!? What crazy, genocidal last request do you have *this time</em>?" The conductor says, yup, you guessed it, red banana. He says "This time, it's in Canada, I thought I'd go a little more local this time around. But beware, it's surrounded by a multitude of angry, wild, man-eating moose." So the executioner gathers all the armies of the world, a coalition of the willing if you will, and sends them, along with the Canadian Mounties, out to get this red banana. They see the banana, and alongside it they see these moose, quietly grazing about, having a great time. This one particularly burly russian decides to go for it. He grabs this red banana, and these moose go crazy. They attack all the armies of the world, absolutely destroy them, which is nice because now there is world peace since there are no armies left anywhere, though GWB changes that pretty quickly. All were killed except for this one burly russian. So he drives his car, which was "Stalin'" out on him the whole way, back to LA where the executioner is. He gives the executioner the banana and promptly dies. The executioner gives the red banana to the conductor, the conductor eats it, and the executioner flips the switch three times...once again, nothing happens. So the executioner says to the conductor "Okay, you're free to go, you know that, but I have just one question for you: I've tried to kill you 3 times now and you have yet to die, why is that? Does it have anything to do with that red banana so many have died over?" To that the conductor replies "Nope, I guess I'm just a bad conductor!"</p>