<p>so akash wats the answer?? my brain refuses to work any sc or math now......:eek:</p>
<p>okay, i shall continue to post more since no one else has time for them :p</p>
<p>A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.</p>
<p>On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?</p>
<p>The girl replied, No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!</p>
<p>Lol neha! cute :P</p>
<p>I have another George Bush joke :D</p>
<p>A little boy, the Pope, George Bush, and a famous football star were flying on an airplane.
Suddenly, during the middle of their flight when the plane was high in the sky, they were told that the airplane was going to crash in a moment and that they had to get out. The four passengers glanced towards the emergency exit, where they noticed that there were only three portable parachutes sitting by the door.
So, the famous football star sprints over to the door, says "well, I'm really famous and I play football and all my fans and my team would be devastated if I died, so I'm going to take a parachute." He swings the parachute onto his back and jumps out of the plane.
Next, George Bush runs over to the exit, grabs a parachute and swings it onto his back, and says "Sorry, but I'm the president of the United States - I'm too important to die right now." He promptly jumps out of the plane.
Now only the little boy and the Pope are left. The Pope glances sadly at the little boy, and says "Son, go ahead and take the last parachute. I mean, you're still young and have your whole life ahead of you, while my time on earth is almost finished anyway..."
The boy responds, "No, don't worry sir. There are still two parachutes left, so we can both survive this crash!
You see, George Bush took my backpack."</p>
<p>Hahahaha!!!! That's great! I'll definitely be telling that one soon!
Here's another one starring... who else but Bush! </p>
<p>George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"</p>
<p>"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."</p>
<p>"Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"</p>
<p>The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. " The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"</p>
<p>Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"</p>
<p>The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"</p>
<p>Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.</p>
<p>Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice president, the same question.</p>
<p>"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney, " let me get back to you on that one."</p>
<p>Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"</p>
<p>Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"</p>
<p>Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."</p>
<p>Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"</p>
<p>lol!...at first i was gonna say..man this joke isnt funny..but then it got funny..hehe</p>
<p>whats a similarity between michael jackson and walmart..?
they both have boys pants half off</p>
<p>ok...i have a joke....</p>
<p>A boy asks his mom, "Is God white or black?"</p>
<p>She answers: "Well, God is white AND black...."</p>
<p>His next question is, " Ok, then is God a girl or a boy?"</p>
<p>His mom answers, " God is a boy AND a girl.."</p>
<p>"Ok then," says the boy. "Is God straight or gay?"</p>
<p>The mom answers promptly, "God is straight AND gay"</p>
<p>The boy looks up at her with a triumphant look on this face, and says, "Oh, So is Michael Jackson God?"</p>
<p>hey neelesh, i have posted tt very joke on the prev page :D</p>
<p>lol. i just saw that....rats! ok lemme think of another joke.....</p>
<p>ok how bout this one:</p>
<p>A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.</p>
<p>"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"</p>
<p>The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"</p>
<p>Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."</p>
<p>The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"</p>
<p>The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.</p>
<p>"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"</p>
<p>The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."</p>
<p>On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"</p>
<p>hahaha......wat cud i have expected.,......:p</p>
<p>Here are some jokes. Some of these are lame.</p>
<p>Late one night the political candidate came home and gave his wife the glorious news: "Darling, I've been elected!"
"Honestly?" she replied.
"Hey," the politician said, frowning, "why bring that up?"
</p>
<p>An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.</p>
<p>My wife was in labor with our first child. Thinkgs were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shoudln't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, cant'!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I asked.
"She's having contractions, silly."
</p>
<p>Q. What did one DNA say to another DNA?
A. Do these genes make me look fat?</p>
<p>ehehe i like the DNA one :p</p>
<p>lol I got all of those from Reader's Digest. </p>
<p>Here's another one from the same magazine:</p>
<p>
It was a really hot day. The drunk decided that maybe he should lay off the alcohol, so he went to a vending machine to buy a soda. He put some change in and a can came out. The drunk pooped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down. Excited, he continued to feed the machine.
Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "Hurry up! We're all hot and thirsty."
"No way," he said. "I'm still winning."
</p>
<p>I really like this next blonde joke, but it's sorta long:
There was a blonde and a brunette who inherited their father's
farm after he passed away.</p>
<p>The farm was beautiful with rolling hills and plenty of animals.
After about a year, the animals started to die. The farm was
falling apart.</p>
<p>They counted their money and found that they only had 600 dollars.
So they put their heads together. "I've got it!" said the brunette
"I'll go find a bull to breed with our cattle and build the stocks
up. Our farm will be back to normal in no time." </p>
<p>"How will we do that?" asked the blonde. </p>
<p>"I'll go find a bull and when I do I'll call you. You hook up the
trailer to the truck and come get the bull." So they agreed on the
plan.</p>
<p>A couple of weeks later the brunette left on her journey to find
the bull. She looked high and low for a bull, but there were no
bulls that fit her expectations. Finally she found a bull she
wanted. </p>
<p>"How much?" she asked the farmer. </p>
<p>"Well, I don't think I could take a penny less than 599 dollars"
said the farmer. </p>
<p>"Great! I'll still have one dollar left. I'll take him!" The
brunette was so excited that she grabbed the bull and started
heading into town. </p>
<p>"How are you going to get the bull home without a trailer?" </p>
<p>"Well," said the brunette, "I'm going to call my sister and tell
her to hitch the trailer up to the truck and come get us." </p>
<p>"Long distance charges are five to six dollars." </p>
<p>"Well, then I'll send a telegram". The brunette walked into town
to the postoffice to send her telegram. </p>
<p>"I need to send a telegram. I need it to say that I found a bull
and I need my sister to hitch up the trailer to the truck and come
get us. Here are the directions." She handed the postman the
directions. "How much will that be?" </p>
<p>"It's 99 cents per word" said the postman. </p>
<p>The brunette was so mad. How was she supposed to get home if she
couldn't get her sister to come? She slammed her head down on the
table. She had to think of one word that would tell her sister to
come get her. A few seconds later she put her head up and said,
"Comfortable." </p>
<p>"Excuse me, but how will the word comfortable tell your sister to
come get you and the bull?" asked the postman. </p>
<p>"My sister is a blonde - she'll read it slowly."
</p>
<p>i wonder how the blondes here on CC feel.......lol.... ;)</p>
<p>New Rules For Employment</p>
<p>SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.</p>
<p>SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.</p>
<p>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.</p>
<p>YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.</p>
<p>RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.</p>
<p>PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:</p>
<p>Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02</p>
<p>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.</p>
<p>Have a nice week.</p>
<p>The Management</p>
<p>:p7 Ways to Catch a LION :p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is
equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.</p></li>
<li><p>Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will
get tired soon, Now you can trap it easily.</p></li>
<li><p>Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive
probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.</p></li>
<li><p>Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the
forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to
lion. Lion is in and we are out.</p></li>
<li><p>Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane
which allows every thing to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire
forest with it.</p></li>
<li><p>Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the
entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the
result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.</p></li>
<li><p>The Banta's Method: DON'T EVEN TRY YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>20 Fun Things To Do At A Drive-Thru</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.</p></li>
<li><p>Drive through backwards.</p></li>
<li><p>Belch your order.</p></li>
<li><p>After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.</p></li>
<li><p>Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.</p></li>
<li><p>Walk through.</p></li>
<li><p>Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.</p></li>
<li><p>Repeat everything the order-taker says.</p></li>
<li><p>Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.</p></li>
<li><p>Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".</p></li>
<li><p>In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.</p></li>
<li><p>When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.</p></li>
<li><p>Drive through with a carload of naked people.</p></li>
<li><p>Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.</p></li>
<li><p>Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.</p></li>
<li><p>Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.</p></li>
<li><p>One word: Flatulence!</p></li>
<li><p>Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.</p></li>
<li><p>If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
"check out the babe".</p></li>
<li><p>Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>ha ha ha, so cruel</p>
<p>The following signs have been found in various locations, using the English language somewhat creatively... </p>
<p>Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER 01:: FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLE YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. </p>
<p>In Gas Station in Morocco:
EAT HERE AND GET GAS </p>
<p>Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. </p>
<p>At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. </p>
<p>Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. </p>
<p>Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. </p>
<p>On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. </p>
<p>On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. </p>
<p>In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. </p>
<p>A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. </p>
<p>In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. </p>
<p>In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. </p>
<p>In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. </p>
<p>One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. </p>
<p>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. </p>
<p>Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. </p>
<p>Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. </p>
<p>Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. </p>
<p>Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. </p>
<p>Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. </p>
<p>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. </p>
<p>Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. </p>
<p>In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. </p>
<p>A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. </p>
<p>An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. </p>
<p>A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTIiIES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. </p>
<p>Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. </p>
<p>Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN @$$? </p>
<p>The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. </p>
<p>In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM. </p>
<p>Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.</p>
<p>omg, I am splitting my sides....SO FUNNY</p>