lame/funny jokes

sempitern555 · March 18, 2005, 3:28am

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should
press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursdays.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the
hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn **** to
right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but
fi if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Some additions to anguished English from Israeli menus:
1) sechel [Hebrew/Yiddish for intelligence] = brains
2) fresh bread daily daily [apparently yom yom]
3) planted egg salad = eggplant salad

sempitern555 · March 18, 2005, 3:40am

Actual Signs That Have Been Found

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.

At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.

At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?

At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.

Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.

Door of a plastic surgeons office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.

Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

In a cleaners window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

In a dentist's office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.

In a farmers field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesnt know it, there is day care on the first floor.

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.

In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!

In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait.

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church

On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard bell out of order.)

On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission

On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card...

On another Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you.

On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy

Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.

Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.

Outside a photographers studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.

Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.
Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.

Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.

This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to.

neha1 · March 20, 2005, 12:23am

^^^^ bump ^^^^

hehe, still lookin for gd one...

neha1 · March 23, 2005, 10:57pm

where is everyone?? :(

bump.....

Kosuke · March 24, 2005, 12:07am

probably tootling their horns vigorously at someone...

neha1 · March 26, 2005, 9:26am

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

" You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

" I am, replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, " You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, " but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, " you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quanity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,somehow, it's my fault."

neha1 · March 26, 2005, 9:29am

LIFE'S LAWS

<ol>
<li>Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it probably will.</li>
<li>Cameron's Law: If you don't do anyting, you can't do anything wrong.</li>
<li>First Law of Money Dynamics: Unexpected monetary gains will always be offset by unexpected expenses in the same amount.</li>
<li>Morris's Law: Anyone can admit to themselves that they were wrong. The true test is admitting to someone else.</li>
<li>McGee's Law: It's amazing how quickly it takes to complete something you're not working on.</li>
<li>Pinto's Law: Do someone a favour and it becomes your job.</li>
<li>Connor's Law: If something is confidential, it will be left on the copier machine.</li>
<li>Benchley's Productivity Principle: Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.</li>
<li>Gluck's Law: Whichever way u turn upon entering the lift, the buttons will be on the opposite side.</li>
<li>Brown's Rule: The key to happiness is a bad memory.</li>
<li>Wingfield's Axiom: Accuracy is the sum total of your compensating mistakes.</li>
<li>Porter's Principle: If a job does not go wrong -
(i) it will have to be redone.
(ii) it will have to be undone
(iii) it was the wrong job in the first place.</li>
<li>Phillips Law: The only changes that are adopted are changes for the worse.</li>
<li>Smith's Law: It is easier to seek forgiveness than to get permission.</li>
<li>Schmidt's Art Law: Sculpture is what you bump into when you take a step back to look at a painting.</li>
</ol>

neha1 · March 30, 2005, 1:39am

A man was driving his car with his wife.His wife suddenly asked,

wife: "Should you remarry after I die, would you two still be living in the same house?"

man: "Yes, no use seling it anyway..."

wife: "What about our car?"

man: "Yeah...it makes no difference."

wife: "What about your golf clubs?"

man: "Heck no, she's left handed."

baller4lyfe · March 30, 2005, 1:42am

what did Newton's coc* say to him?

"fu** your law of gravity, i am going up"

lame indeed, but oh well

HAHA, CHECK THIS ONE OUT:

Why were Socrates, Plato and Aristotle gay and crazy about men?

Because they hung out at their own SPA

(Socrates was Plato's teacher, Plato was Aristotle's teacher).

neha1 · March 30, 2005, 1:43am

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front
of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get him?" Says the bartender.

The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful blonde genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"I know," says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

baller4lyfe · March 30, 2005, 1:49am

HAHA , that was bogus niha, but the joke at the end kind of strays away a little biT!

i know what it means though....but it's kinda unclear in some way....like something was missing....

neha1 · March 30, 2005, 1:55am

oh well..... i juz post........ those who cant get it.... :p

janeeyre · March 31, 2005, 11:24pm

reviving the best thread ever on CC,

found by a friend:

"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian. ""

sempitern555 · April 1, 2005, 2:06am

ha ha ha :D

deus.ex.machina · April 1, 2005, 5:43am

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what is the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." 'He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."'

The blonde then added, "The breakfast was my idea."

meh, i tried :o

janeeyre · April 2, 2005, 1:31pm

<a href="http://www.stanfordrejects.com/%5B/url%5D">http://www.stanfordrejects.com/</a>

sarorah · April 4, 2005, 11:24pm

Hick: Excuse me, where is the library at?

Harvard Graduate: Here at Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition.

Hick: Okay. Excuse me, where is the library at, jerk?

neha1 · April 5, 2005, 12:58am

janeeyre, wats dat? :confused:

ctrain890 · April 5, 2005, 1:05am

<a href="http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=poisonous-evil-rubbish.jpg&category=Engrish%20from%20Other%20Countries&date=2005-03-14%5B/url%5D">http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=poisonous-evil-rubbish.jpg&category=Engrish%20from%20Other%20Countries&date=2005-03-14</a>

engrish.com is the best site in the history of ever

janeeyre · April 5, 2005, 1:07pm

um neha1, heh. I truly hold nothing against UC. It was just a link that one of my friends found; thought it was slightly amusing.

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