<p>haha.... dun worry i am not offended or anything, to think of it, i dun even noe why i posted that message now...ya it is kinda amusin thou berk is an excellent college!! :)</p>
<p>A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. </p>
<p>Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. </p>
<p>The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." </p>
<p>Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being
Louisiana</p>
<p>, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!" </p>
<p>The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." </p>
<p>Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" </p>
<p>The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question # 4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." </p>
<p>You put down, "Neither do I. </p>
<p>hahahaha.......... :D</p>
<p>u noe u are an indian/paki/sri lankan/bangla when:</p>
<p>you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing. </p>
<p>you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. </p>
<p>you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. </p>
<p>your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. </p>
<p>you know what's going to happen in every Hindi movie before it happens </p>
<p>your parents have never kissed you </p>
<p>you have 12+ aunts and uncles from both your mother's and your father's side </p>
<p>at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert. </p>
<p>when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift. </p>
<p>the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture. </p>
<p>your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."</p>
<p>hehe....juz found them cute...so many are soo true :)</p>
<p>LOL! That's great, neha1! I'm Iranian and I found some of the things from the list to be true for me also... especially the 40 lb. bag of rice in the pantry!</p>
<p>hehe.......i guess asians........ :p</p>
<p>Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question... </p>
<p>"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." </p>
<p>"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas." </p>
<p>"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." </p>
<p>"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." </p>
<p>"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." </p>
<p>"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?" </p>
<p>"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling </p>
<p>"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." </p>
<p>"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." </p>
<p>"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." </p>
<p>"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works." </p>
<p>"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead." </p>
<p>"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." </p>
<p>"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." </p>
<p>"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." </p>
<p>"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." </p>
<p>"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." </p>
<p>"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." </p>
<p>"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?" </p>
<p>"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again." </p>
<p>"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake." </p>
<p>"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." </p>
<p>"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." </p>
<p>"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." </p>
<p>"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision." </p>
<p>"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." </p>
<p>"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." </p>
<p>"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it." </p>
<p>"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." </p>
<p>"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." </p>
<p>"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." </p>
<p>"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." </p>
<p>"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?" </p>
<p>"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago." </p>
<p>"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee." </p>
<p>"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." </p>
<p>"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start." </p>
<p>"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions." </p>
<p>"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." </p>
<p>"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." </p>
<p>"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." </p>
<p>"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." </p>
<p>"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper." </p>
<p>"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again." </p>
<p>"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up." </p>
<p>"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck." </p>
<p>"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." </p>
<p>"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" </p>
<p>"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now." </p>
<p>"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale." </p>
<p>"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." </p>
<p>"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." </p>
<p>"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me." </p>
<p>"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."</p>
<p>How to IMPRESS a WOMAN > ></p>
<p>1.Compliment her,
2.respect her,
3.honor her,
4.cuddle her,
5.kiss her,
6.caress her,
7.love her,
8.stroke her,
9.tease her,
10.comfort her,
11.protect her,
12.hug her,
13.hold her,
14.spend money on her,
15.wine and dine her,
16.buy things for her,
17.listen to her,
18.care for her,
19.stand by her,
20.support her.
21.hold her,
22.go to the ends of the Earth for her.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>How to IMPRESS a MAN</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>23.JUST SMILE ONCE AND HE'S YOURS</p>
<p>Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello." </p>
<p>WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" </p>
<p>MAN: "Yes" </p>
<p>WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" </p>
<p>MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it." </p>
<p>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked." </p>
<p>MAN: "How much?" </p>
<p>WOMAN: "$60,000" </p>
<p>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." </p>
<p>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." </p>
<p>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." </p>
<p>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you! </p>
<p>MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." </p>
<p>The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. </p>
<p>Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"</p>
<p>A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course. </p>
<p>The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us." </p>
<p>So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was
done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the pieces of window glass. </p>
<p>A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" </p>
<p>"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. </p>
<p>"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." </p>
<p>"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." </p>
<p>"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. </p>
<p>"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said. </p>
<p>"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!" </p>
<p>"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" </p>
<p>"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman
in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have s ex with your wife." </p>
<p>The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" </p>
<p>So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three
hours of non-stop s ex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her
eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said.
"Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies!"</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she
respects him. </p></li>
<li><p>There was this guy who told his woman that he loved
her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and
now he is going thru hell. </p></li>
<li><p>A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife
wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing : "You can have mine." </p></li>
<li><p>When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. </p></li>
<li><p>It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just
watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands
are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married. </p></li>
<li><p>A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we
will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't
keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours." </p></li>
<li><p>What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having
trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to
speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did,
but today is the last day." </p></li>
</ol>
<p>WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after
her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When
she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She
is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other. </p>
<p>MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.</p>
<p>I say unto you all that we must even the political spectrum! Too many Bush jokes and none to compensate! (Actually, I don't know if there's none, but I'll assume...)</p>
<p>So a guy walks into a bar. The bartender is a robot, and the first thing it asks him is, "What's your IQ?" Baffled, the guy responds, "150." So they proceed to engage in a highly erudite discourse on relativity, quantumn mechanics, and the air-speed</a> velocity of an unladen swallow. </p>
<p>The guy thinks this is majorly cool, so he walks out the bar and comes back in again. The robot goes over and asks, "What's your IQ?" This time, the guy responds, "100." So they go into an interesting discourse on how much the Yankees SUCK, what color water really is, and the merits of Dr. Pepper's vanilla-cherry soda.</p>
<p>By now the guy is thoroughly, thoroughly impressed. He walks out and walks back in a third time. "What's your IQ?" says the robot once more. This time, though, the guy says, "50."</p>
<p>"So, you gonna vote for Kerry?"</p>
<p>Haha... LOL... See, I'm a dem and I find that funny so...</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>Caveat lector - You're required to a) have bunches of patience, and b) sign this contract promising not to kill me.</p>
<p>There was a little boy who lives at the bottom of a mountain, on top of which is a monastery. Every day, the little boy liked to cycle up and down the dirt track outside his house. One day, he was cycling up and down the track outside his house on his tricycle when he heard a strange noise. The strange noise was coming from the monastery on top of the mountain.</p>
<p>Anyway, the little boy decided he wants to find out what the noise coming from the monastery is. So, he got his tricycle and cycled his way up the dirt track to the monastery on top of the mountain.</p>
<p>It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. Once in the monastery, the little boy got hold of the head monk.</p>
<p>"Hullo, Mr Monk. I was cycling up and down the dirt track outside my house at the bottom of this mountain, when I heard a strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"</p>
<p>"I am sorry" the head monk replied, "but I can't tell you. You are not a monk."</p>
<p>"Goddammit!" said the little boy, for he was a foul mouthed child. So, he cycled slowly back down the mountain and forgot about the noise.</p>
<p>Over the years, the little boy grew a little taller and a little older. Soon he was old enough for his first proper bicycle. The little boy was ever so excited and immediately went outside to test his new bicycle. He cycled up and down, up and down the dirt track outside his house for hours and hours. Suddenly, from the monastery on top of the mountain, he heard a strange noise. As the little boy was now 10, he had completely forgotten about his previous excursion to the monastery on top of the mountain.</p>
<p>So, up the mountain the little boy went. He was a little faster this time, his bike had gears and everything. It was also bright red and everybody knows that's the fastest colour. Eventually, the little boy got to the top of the mountain and went into the monastery. He managed to track down the head monk and went to ask him the question that was burning in his head.</p>
<p>"Hullo, Mr Monk. I was cycling up and down the dirt track outside my house at the bottom of this mountain, when I heard a strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"</p>
<p>"I am sorry" the head monk replied, "but I can't tell you. You are not a monk."</p>
<p>"Damn you!" said the little boy, for he was still a foul mouthed child. So, he cycled slowly back down the mountain again and forgot about the noise.</p>
<p>7 long years passed and the boy grew a little taller again. Now, he was no longer a little boy, but a strapping youth. The strapping youth was still living at home, abeit only just. Before he left to make his way into the wide world, his parents gave him a motorcycle. The strapping youth was ever so excited by this motorcycle and spent the day riding up and down, up and down the dirt track outside his house. As he finished his biking session, he turned off the engine, only to be surprised by a strange noise coming out of the monastery on top of the mountain. Now, the strapping youth was determined to know what this sound could be, so he kicked his motorbike into life and sped off up the mountain to the monastery on top.</p>
<p>When the strapping youth arrived at the monastery, he went to see the head monk.</p>
<p>"Hullo, Mr Monk. I was biking up and down the dirt track outside my house at the bottom of this mountain, when I heard a strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"</p>
<p>"I am sorry" the head monk replied, "but I can't tell you. You are not a monk."</p>
<p>"Fadge wozzer!" said the little boy, for he was a foul mouthed child strapping youth. So, he biked slowly back down the mountain again and forgot about the noise.</p>
<p>The boy left home soon afterwards, he occasionally visited his parents, but did not hear the noise again for a long time. One weekend, when the boy had come back to the house of his childhood, he was sat in his car when he heard a strange noise coming from the monastery on top of the mountain. This time, the man was determined. He decided that he would find out what was making the noise, no matter what it took.</p>
<p>The car spluttered into action as the man turned the key in the ignition. Setting off up the hill, he had a feeling of excitement and elation. Finally, the man was going to find out what was making the noise. When the man parked up outside the monastery he found the head monk waiting for him.</p>
<p>"Hullo, Mr Monk. I have been trying to find out what the noise from your monastery is for the past 18 years and it's driving me crazy! Could you tell finally me what it is?"</p>
<p>"I am sorry" the head monk replied, "but I can't tell you. You are not a monk."</p>
<p>"Well, can I become a monk then?"</p>
<p>The head monk thought for a moment before replying, "You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you truly know the answer to this problem, then you shall be a monk."</p>
<p>So the man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day the answer hit him like a brick in the face. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk.</p>
<p>"Oh, venerable Mr Monk, I have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally have the answer and I would like to become a monk."</p>
<p>So the man became a monk.</p>
<p>At last, he would be able to achieve what was now a lifelong ambition of finding out what the noise inside the monastery was! "Mr Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?" "I cannot tell you as it cannot be translated into words, young grasshopper. However, I can show you. Take this key and go to the deepest darkest corner of the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise."</p>
<p>The man went immediately to the deepest darkest part of the monastery and found the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end. Unfortunately, there were three fires blocking the man from the door. He decided to jump the fires as they were magical and would never go out. The man took a good run up, made sure the key was securely in his hand and charged at the first fire.</p>
<p>LEAP!</p>
<p>Over the first fire he went, but he had dropped the key. "Oh, Jabberwocky!" The man leapt back over the fire, walked all the way back down the long corridor, out of the deepest, darkest part of the monastery and back to the head monk.</p>
<p>"Oh Mr Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest part of the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the first one as I leapt over it."</p>
<p>"Do not worry young grasshopper, for there is another key and you must overcome tests on your way to enlightenment. The second key, however is on the other side of the world, in America."</p>
<p>The man left the monastery and travelled to America. It took years and years because he had no money to pay for his journey (being a monk). Eventually he arrived in America and managed to track down the key to the door. The man then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest part of the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a long run up.</p>
<p>LEAP!</p>
<p>Over the first fire went the man, key still in hand!</p>
<p>LEAP!!</p>
<p>Over the second fire went the man, key still- damn! He had dropped the key in the second fire. The man leapt back over the second fire, back over the third fire. Back down the long corridor he walked and out of the deepest, darkest part of the monastery. The man went back to the head monk.</p>
<p>"Oh Mr Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest part of the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the second one as I leapt over it."</p>
<p>"Do not worry young grasshopper, for there is one more key and we must all overcome tests on our way to enlightenment. The third key, however is on the other side of the world, Australia."</p>
<p>The man left the monastery and travelled to Australia. It took years and years because he had no money to pay for his journey (being a monk). Eventually he arrived in Australia and managed to track down the key to the door. The man then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest part of the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a long run up.</p>
<p>LEAP!</p>
<p>Over the first fire went the man, key still in hand!</p>
<p>LEAP!!</p>
<p>Over the second fire went the man, key still in hand!!</p>
<p>LEAP!!!</p>
<p>Over the THIRD fire went the man, key still in hand!!!</p>
<p>He had made it. He'd made the jumps and here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after nearly 85 years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself.</p>
<p>Slowly the man slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the man to open the door. He pushed to door open and stepped inside. Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realised the answer to his question!! And d'you want to know what it is? ... </p>
<p>I can't tell you - yer not a monk!</p>
<p>:D</p>
<p>oh come on! I read that whole thing to find out what it is!!!!!</p>
<p>LOL, didnt we all...</p>
<p>;)</p>
<p>i didnt..that is way way too long to qualify as a joke</p>
<p>hehe. It's the point. You take twenty five minutes to tell it to a captivated audience, then make them all royall po'd.</p>
<p>Bush is the best JOKER EVER!!!</p>
<p>good thing i skipped it...</p>