<p>Neha, post more jokes cause yours are pretty funny :)</p>
<p>hehe.thnx man...but rite now, my life sux :( so no mood to look for them
but if i come across any, will post :)</p>
<p>cheer up, neha! i hope things are going better for you! great link!!! </p>
<p>TC: But why is it that no WMDs have been found in Iraq?</p>
<p>BU****: Well our intelligence people believe that Saddams WMDs are buried under the sand. Theres lotsa sand in Iraq. </p>
<p>LOL!! LOL!! LOL!!</p>
<p>i juz find the site amusing...but most are in reference to SG</p>
<p>Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer</p>
<p>In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"</p>
<p>She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."</p>
<p>The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"</p>
<p>She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women; one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."</p>
<p>The defense attorney almost died.</p>
<p>The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you b**tards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."</p>
<p>Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein died and all went to hell. Queen Elizabeth said: I miss England, I wanna call England and see how everybody is doing there.... so she called and talked for about 5 minutes...
Then she said: well devil, how much do I owe you???? The devil goes: five million dollars...
Five million dollars!!!???? She made him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.... </p>
<p>Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, me too, me too, I wanna call the United states, I wanna see how everybody is doing too... he called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he said:
Well devil how much do I owe you????
The devil goes: ten million dollars..... ten million dollars!!!!!!
He made him a cheque and went to sit back on his chair..... </p>
<p>Saddam Hussein was extremely jealous too... he starts screaming and screaming... "I wanna call Iraq! I want to see how everybody is doing there too, I want to talk to the ministers, to the deputee, I wanna talk to everybody"... he called Iraq and he talked for about twenty hours, he was talking and talking and talking Then he said: well, devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil goes: one dollar..... only one dollar!!!!!
Saddam says... ONLY ONE DOLLAR??????
The devil says: well, from hell to hell it's local! </p>
<p>i hope no one was offended....... :p</p>
<p>HAHA I love that lawyer one. The Hell one was pretty good too but I've heard it too many times.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>AWESOME!</p>
<p>can others post jokes as well??? i am running out of them..... :p</p>
<p>great new jokes, neha. i'll see what jokes i can find and will post. this has turned into neha's joke post b/c yours are the best!</p>
<p>I don't think anyone posted this already...
Capitalism for Dummies</p>
<p>Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.</p>
<p>American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.</p>
<p>French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.</p>
<p>Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.</p>
<p>German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.</p>
<p>Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.</p>
<p>British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.</p>
<p>Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.</p>
<p>Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...</p>
<p>Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.</p>
<p>Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.</p>
<p>Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Lets make a hockey team, eh?</p>
<p>Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.</p>
<p>Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.</p>
<p>Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?</p>
<p>Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.</p>
<p>Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.</p>
<p>Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.</p>
<p>Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.</p>
<p>Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.</p>
<p>Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.</p>
<p>Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.</p>
<p>Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.</p>
<p>Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.</p>
<p>Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.</p>
<p>Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.</p>
<p>Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.</p>
<p>Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.</p>
<p>Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.</p>
<p>Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.</p>
<p>Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.</p>
<p>Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.</p>
<p>Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.</p>
<p>Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.</p>
<p>Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.</p>
<p>Jehovahs Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.</p>
<p>Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.</p>
<p>Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.</p>
<p>Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.</p>
<p>Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.</p>
<p>Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.</p>
<p>Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.</p>
<p>Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.</p>
<p>Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.</p>
<p>Courtesy of frecklybeckly: <a href="http://www.thedan.com%5B/url%5D">www.thedan.com</a>
It is absolutely hilarious! :) Enjoy! Be sure to watch some of the videos!</p>
<p>President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of "tragedy." </p>
<p>One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." </p>
<p>"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident." </p>
<p>A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." </p>
<p>"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss." </p>
<p>The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. </p>
<p>"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" </p>
<p>Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. </p>
<p>In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." </p>
<p>"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" </p>
<p>"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."</p>
<p>Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. Guy A, B and C. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When A arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" A answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." </p>
<p>The chief thanked him and he left. When B arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. </p>
<p>Finally C arrived for his interview, he was asked the same
question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." </p>
<p>When C arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?" Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.</p>
<p>John and Mike are walking from religious service. </p>
<p>John wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.</p>
<p>Mike replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"</p>
<p>So John goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"</p>
<p>The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."</p>
<p>John goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.</p>
<p>Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."</p>
<p>And so Mike goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"</p>
<p>To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means! You can always pray whenever you want to." =)</p>
<p>huh???????</p>
<p>courtesy qtip and me from Yale forum :)</p>
<p>This stuff is based on the following premesis. The year is 2020. College tuition is sky rocketing (let's say 80,239 per year). Colleges come up with slogans to get kids to come to their colleges...</p>
<p>BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!</p>
<p>COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!</p>
<p>PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!</p>
<p>CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL!!!</p>
<p>HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you
never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do
you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!</p>
<p>PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what the hell an eating club is?
Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Have you always dreamed of living in
the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!</p>
<p>YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!</p>
<p>DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from
stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink
some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on
drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!</p>
<p>LOL!!!...</p>
<p>tht was really agood one...and i also noticed tht princeton has turned out ot be the only sane one...ahem..do i need guesses as to y??</p>
<p>so qtip is anothr one like u..huh??</p>
<p>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 A.M. Wake up."</p>
<p>This is the fact about marriages!! </p>
<p>The L Word: </p>
<p>6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love U
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose? </p>
<p>Back from Work: </p>
<p>6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?? </p>
<p>gifts: </p>
<p>6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something </p>
<p>Phone Ringing: </p>
<p>6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
6 months: Here, for you
6 years: PHONE RINGING </p>
<p>Cooking: </p>
<p>6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!! </p>
<p>apology: </p>
<p>6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said?? </p>
<p>New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress
6 months: You bought a new dress again???
6 years: How much did THAT cost me? </p>
<p>Planning for Vacations: </p>
<p>6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home??? </p>
<p>TV: </p>
<p>6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie
6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself !!</p>