<p>lol!!...neha tht was funny yet so true (personally nopt only abt marriages..to soem extent even bfz are tht way...am not generalising..but ya..to a large extent..)..no wonder i believe..'single n free to mingle' is the best policy to own;)....</p>
<p>Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.</p>
<p>The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...</p>
<p>First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.</p>
<p>Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"</p>
<p>Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.</p>
<p>Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.</p>
<p>Fifth floor
The</p>
<p>do i not get the last joke or is it incomplete?</p>
<p>Fried Eggs </p>
<p>A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly
her husband burst into the kitchen. </p>
<p>"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're
cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need
more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're
going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!" </p>
<p>The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" </p>
<p>The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving with you in the car."</p>
<p>ooops, ya incomplete, i will post again......... :p</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she
respects him. </p></li>
<li><p>There was this guy who told his woman that he loved
her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and
now he is going thru hell. </p></li>
<li><p>A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife
wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing : "You can have mine." </p></li>
<li><p>When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. </p></li>
<li><p>It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just
watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands
are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married. </p></li>
<li><p>A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we
will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't
keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours." </p></li>
<li><p>What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having
trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to
speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did,
but today is the last day." </p></li>
</ol>
<p>WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after
her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When
she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She
is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other. </p>
<p>MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.</p>
<p>FAMOUS ONE LINERS :-) </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end
& a
fool at the other. </p></li>
<li><p>Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals
are
more popular than a five day test. </p></li>
<li><p>Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and
a woman gains her master </p></li>
<li><p>Divorce : Future tense of marriage </p></li>
<li><p>Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of
either". </p></li>
<li><p>Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present. </p></li>
<li><p>Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece. </p></li>
<li><p>Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by
feminine water-power .. </p></li>
<li><p>Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage. </p></li>
<li><p>Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on. </p></li>
<li><p>Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling
you
have never felt before. </p></li>
<li><p>Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. </p></li>
<li><p>Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. </p></li>
<li><p>Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
life. </p></li>
<li><p>Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. </p></li>
<li><p>Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do. </p></li>
<li><p>Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide
that nothing can be done together. </p></li>
<li><p>Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. </p></li>
<li><p>Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. </p></li>
<li><p>Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken
of
when dead. </p></li>
<li><p>Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that
you
actually look forward to the trip. </p></li>
<li><p>Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally
falls
into a river. </p></li>
<li><p>Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in
midway
"See I am not injured yet." </p></li>
<li><p>Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY. </p></li>
<li><p>Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. </p></li>
<li><p>Father : A banker provided by nature. </p></li>
<li><p>Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got
caught. </p></li>
<li><p>Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early. </p></li>
<li><p>Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after. </p></li>
<li><p>Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with
his
bills. </p></li>
<li><p>Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails...</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" </p>
<p>"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." </p>
<p>"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." </p>
<p>"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" </p>
<p>"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." </p>
<p>"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." </p>
<p>"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"</p>
<p>The right person for the right job
Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right Job? If yes, try this simple experiment.
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.</p>
<p>If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.
If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLANNING
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved
- PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.</p>
<p>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? </p>
<p>We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. </p>
<p>How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. </p>
<p>What makes life 100%? </p>
<p>If </p>
<p>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented </p>
<p>as: </p>
<p>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. </p>
<p>Then, </p>
<p>H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% </p>
<p>K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% </p>
<p>But, </p>
<p>A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% </p>
<p>And, </p>
<p>B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% </p>
<p>So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but ******** will put you over the top. </p>
<p>And look how far ......... </p>
<p>A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%</p>
<p>Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle</p>
<p>It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
- I was working smarter, not harder.
- "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
- This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
- I'm in the management training program.
- Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
- The coffee machine is broke....Someone must've put decafe in the wrong pot.
- Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
- It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
- I was cross-training for telecommuting.
- Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
- Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
- The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
- I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.</p>
<p>Question:What is the truest definition of Globalization?</p>
<p>Answer:Princess Diana's death.</p>
<p>Question:How?</p>
<p>Answer:</p>
<p>An English princess</p>
<p>with an Egyptian boyfriend</p>
<p>crashes in a French tunnel,</p>
<p>driving a German car</p>
<p>with a Dutch engine,</p>
<p>driven by a Belgian who was drunk</p>
<p>on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you</p>
<p>change the spelling)</p>
<p>followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,</p>
<p>on Japanese motorcycles,</p>
<p>treated by an American doctor,</p>
<p>using Brazilian medicines!</p>
<p>And this is sent to you by an Indian ,</p>
<p>using Bill Gates' technology,</p>
<p>and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM</p>
<p>clones,</p>
<p>that use Taiwanese-made chips,</p>
<p>programmed by low cost Indian programmers,</p>
<p>and a Korean-made monitor,</p>
<p>assembled by Bangladeshi workers</p>
<p>in a Singapore plant,</p>
<p>transported by lorries driven by Srilankans ,</p>
<p>hijacked by Indonesians,</p>
<p>unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,</p>
<p>and trucked by Mexican illegals.....</p>
<p>Procrastinator's Creed </p>
<hr>
<ol>
<li>I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.</li>
<li>I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.</li>
<li>I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.</li>
<li>I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.</li>
<li>I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.</li>
<li>I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.</li>
<li>I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.</li>
<li>If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.</li>
<li>I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.</li>
<li>I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.</li>
<li>I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.</li>
<li>I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.</li>
<li>I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.</li>
<li>I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.</li>
</ol>
<p>Ted was a wealthy 70-year-old. He'd been a widower for years.</p>
<p>One day, Ted shows up at the yacht club bar with a stunning 25 year-old blonde. The woman has the body of a centerfold pin-up, and is in a very skimpy red dress. She has legs that just won't quit, and she hangs over Ted's arm full time, focused intently on every syllable he utters.</p>
<p>Naturally, his buddies at the club are stunned. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Ted, come on; where'd you get such a trophy babe for a girlfriend?!"</p>
<p>Ted replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"</p>
<p>Now they're completely knocked over. </p>
<p>They continue their questioning: "Alright, how'd you get her to marry you?! Tell us!" </p>
<p>"Well, I sorta lied about my age," Ted admits. </p>
<p>"Really? How old did you say you were? 50?" </p>
<p>Ted smiles and says, "Nope! I told her I was 90!"</p>
<p>HA HA HA "Nope! I told her I was 90!""</p>
<p>there was a movie about this one, where a mother daughter team try to defraud men... forgot the title</p>
<p>it was made in the late 90's</p>
<p>WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB PART1</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. </p></li>
<li><p>Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. </p></li>
<li><p>When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. </p></li>
<li><p>Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. </p></li>
<li><p>Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. </p></li>
<li><p>Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. </p></li>
<li><p>Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. </p></li>
<li><p>Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. </p></li>
<li><p>Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. </p></li>
<li><p>Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. </p></li>
<li><p>Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. </p></li>
<li><p>Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. </p></li>
<li><p>Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. </p></li>
<li><p>Light candles around your terminal before starting. </p></li>
<li><p>Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." </p></li>
<li><p>Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. </p></li>
<li><p>"DISK FIGHT!!!" </p></li>
<li><p>Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). </p></li>
<li><p>Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. </p></li>
<li><p>If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. </p></li>
<li><p>Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. </p></li>
<li><p>Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. </p></li>
<li><p>When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. </p></li>
<li><p>Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. </p></li>
<li><p>Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.</p>
<p>"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"</p>
<p>"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.</p>
<p>"It's not polite."</p>
<p>"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."</p>
<p>Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"</p>
<p>"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"</p>
<p>The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.</p>
<p>"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.</p>
<p>"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."</p>
<p>Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."</p>
<p>The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?</p>
<p>"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."</p>
<p>The mother is past surprised and shocked now.</p>
<p>"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"</p>
<p>"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."</p>
<p>"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"</p>
<p>"Because you got an F in "Sex."</p>
<p>A man walked into a bar one day. </p>
<p>He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." </p>
<p>The bartender said, "That's fine, but I don't know you, so I'll need to see some money first." </p>
<p>The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar.
The bartender asked the guy. "Where did you get all that money?" </p>
<p>"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" </p>
<p>"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender. </p>
<p>"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. </p>
<p>So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it.
"Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. </p>
<p>"I'll give you another chance.
I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. </p>
<p>The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet. </p>
<p>So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. </p>
<p>That's how I win so much money, I only bet on sure things. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. </p>
<p>With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. </p>
<p>Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." </p>
<p>The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. </p>
<p>The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. </p>
<p>The bartender was ecstatic.
Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" </p>
<p>The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay" </p>
<p>I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!</p>
<p>A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the cafeteria and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to,dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you old Bastard?" "No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!</p>
<p>comp lab part2 :p</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. </p></li>
<li><p>If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. </p></li>
<li><p>Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. </p></li>
<li><p>Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. </p></li>
<li><p>Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. </p></li>
<li><p>Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. </p></li>
<li><p>Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. </p></li>
<li><p>Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. </p></li>
<li><p>Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. </p></li>
<li><p>Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. </p></li>
<li><p>Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. </p></li>
<li><p>When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. </p></li>
<li><p>Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. </p></li>
<li><p>Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does <em>your</em> delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. </p></li>
<li><p>Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) </p></li>
<li><p>Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. </p></li>
<li><p>Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. </p></li>
<li><p>Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. </p></li>
<li><p>See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. </p></li>
<li><p>Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. </p></li>
<li><p>Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. </p></li>
<li><p>Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. </p></li>
<li><p>Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. </p></li>
<li><p>Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". </p></li>
<li><p>Two words: Tesla Coil.</p></li>
</ol>