Made sure that both sons knew how to do their laundry before they left for school. Instead of buying an iron and ironing board for each one, because I knew that storage could be an issue, I got each boy a steamer. They use them all the time, and their clothing looks great.
Dealing with meal plans has been an interesting experience. My older son hated the food on campus, so after his freshmen year, we gave him an allowance for meals. He admits that he was not as responsible as he should have been with the money. Today, he is in law school on a very tight budget. He’s learned how to stretch a dollar and does not eat out much. The younger son is still exploring his options with meals. He does not eat breakfast usually because he has morning practices. Instead, he tends to eat more at lunch and dinner. We plan to re-evaluate the meal plans for next year to make sure he is eating well.
Re:laundry. Even though my son knows how to do laundry, he told me over Winter break that he throws all his dirty laundry in together and washes it in cold water!!! Apparently, this is just ‘easier’ for him. Oy. Can’t vouch for the cleanliness of his clothes, towels and sheets as they are all washed in cold water, but he didn’t have any dirty clothes in his suitcase for me to launder when he came home this past December. :).
The thing is, all the stuff you try to teach them by proxy, before they’re in the situation and truly having to deal with it themselves may or may not make a difference. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but just know that checking the box on having a conversation or teaching them something, even if you do it ad infinitum, doesn’t mean they won’t make the mistake you tried to teach them to avoid. I’d say it’s a 50/50 shot whether they remember and act on it or just have to learn the lesson the hard way. That said, we talked with DS (a freshman) over break about what surprised him his first semester. He said:
The hardest part was having to take care of absolutely everything and managing his schedule. School. Laundry. Getting food. Banking. Getting supplies. He’d been doing his laundry on his own for the last 2 years he lived at home, but still, working that into his overall schedule was something he noted. Getting food is no longer just popping down to the kitchen for a dinner that is ready and waiting for him; it’s going out to the dining hall, standing in line, and coming back (if he gets it to go).
The semester was way shorter than he thought it would be. In August, December seemed like it was so far away. It wasn’t. Things started off slow, but piled up very quickly, and he soon found himself behind and never stopped trying to play catch up. He thought he’d have plenty of chances to make up for not doing so well on the first round of tests. Not so – not nearly so many opportunities in college as in HS. This was a definite, “I told you so,” moment, but we bit our tongues and didn’t say it.
Studying is different in college than in HS. Getting through the homework is not enough; just because you got through the homework doesn’t mean you know what you need to know. If you have questions, ask right away, because they pile up; don’t assume you’ll figure it out later or before the test. There is no later, because there will be something else you don’t understand later. He found studying in groups created the illusion that he knew everything he needed to know when he didn’t. Tests in college do not look like the homework … you need to know how to apply the homework, or the twists on the little details, not just recite the details. His approach this semester is to study on his own, try to think of ways problems/ideas can be turned around, and then maybe put a study session together right before a test to challenge each other. Again, an “I told you so,” moment … another bite on the tongue.
Adjusting to college takes work. This is one of those times when you just wonder at the teenaged brain and its capacity for magical thinking. He’d heard ad infinitum that the college adjustment can be bumpy, and sometimes grades are not so great at first, etc., etc., etc… But just like he’s sort of naturally adjusted to changes in life as he’s grown up, he thought that the adjustment to college would just take time and getting through it. It seems ridiculous to adult ears, and even to him now, but that’s part of why he says he didn’t take not doing so well on his first round of tests as seriously as he should have; he thought he was just “adjusting”, and it would naturally get better with time. Ummmm … IF you change what you’re doing! IF you’re not doing as well as you hoped, then you need to change what you’re doing to either study more or differently; if you’re exhausted all the time because you’re up late doing homework every night, then you need to change what you’re doing at other times so you can get your work done earlier and get to bed…
Drinking is not a good idea. Yes, it seems like everyone does it and it is no big deal. But you feel like crap afterwards, and you can’t afford to feel like crap for a significant part of Saturday or Sunday and expect to do well. And, even though, “everybody does it,” if you get caught, there are Big Consequences (he’s on deferred suspension until May because of an incident in September…). It is not worth it. And, if you go to a party and don’t drink, it’s not a big deal – nobody cares; just wave it off, and nobody bothers you. Being offered a drink is not the same as pressure to drink. Holes in the tongue at this point…
Our son will graduate college in May. I well remember the last few months of high school and the summer leading up to his going away to college thinking, “Omg, I didn’t teach him the right things! Why was I so stupid?” For some reason, I felt like I’d wasted time (years) harping on trivial things.
S has always been a good kid. In some ways, he was well rounded heading towards college. In other ways, he had so much to learn. Still does.
What I told him was, "I don’t know exactly how all this college stuff works, but let’s just do what we know to do and figure the other stuff out as we go along. " We took it a semester at a time. Neither my husband or I had gone to college, so it was new to us, too. It was easier to go from September to December and take a break, then go from January to May then take a break,rather than think, oh, wow, you are going to be gone for four whole years.
Hi! So much great advice from all! I’m just want to bump this if you all don’t mind because I want this thread to be chock full of insights and wonderful advice by the time graduation arrives. Thanks and keep the posts coming. These are all really helpful for a senior like me
Something that got me thinking. Get your student used to keeping the receipts for food, school supplies…anything that could be connected to school? Maybe get him in the habit of putting receipts in a little bin…and then collecting it a few times a year to use when you file your taxes? Some you can deduct from your taxes right?
Tell your kids you love them. Tell them it’s ok to feelscared lonely homesick overwhelmed when adjusting to a new environment. That these feeling are normal and not a sign of failure. Take care of thier health first, thier grades next, and thier future thrid.
I’m not a parent, but if I had a son I was sending to college, I would tell him if he was in a situation (like at a frat party) where he saw a girl was in a compromising situation with some guy, try to get her away if she’s stoned - try not to let her become another rape statistic.
My son is a Junior, and this thread will be a good thing to refer to over the next year or so. Thanks for the great suggestions.
Please, folks, don’t forget to have each of your kids (going away or staying home, it doesn’t matter) fill out a Health Care Proxy form. That way, should they be in a position where they can’t make medical decisions, you’ll be able to make them on your kids’ behalf. (And, while you’re at it, you should have one as well!!!) It’s important.
Really balance a checkbook? My daughter has written 1 real check at college ( to her sorority) I personally haven’t had a checkbook in probably 5 years. I did teach her how to bank online and pay bills like I do. And that credit cards are to be paid at the end of every week to keep better track of spending ( that’s what I do too ).
The thing I told my sons before they left for school (aside the lessons about laundry) was to get involved. Do not expect opportunities to knock on your door. You need to go out and find things that interest you. Fortunately, the boys listened. Before my older son left his undergrad world, he served as president of six different organizations. He learned so much and made some great friends. He is continuing his service while in law school. My younger son always seems to be volunteering with his fraternity. He already has had some adults in these organizations take notice. One asked that he contact him next year about a possible internship. He did not start out saying this will lead to a job or internship. He volunteered because he wanted to help people in the community. He, too, has made great friends.
So encourage your students to find something that interests them.
That “R” on your course schedule means “Thursday”. So they don’t miss any classes before they figure it out… (Yes, based on the real life experience of one of the intkids).
Per @momreads – keep your dorm room door open unless you are studying/sleeping/don’t want to be bothered. If you’re just hanging out, or putzing about the room, or doing light reading, or sorting your laundry, or watching TV, or playing video games, or surfing the internet … keep your room door open. Go so far as to buy a doorstop in case your dorm door doesn’t stay open by itself. Especially in the first weeks, an open door is the best way to meet people, know what’s going on, and not miss stuff.
I started this thread with my own personal suggestion involving poise on stage, shaking hands, etc. Then last night this happened - again! Same thing same person 2 years ago! At yet another awards night at the HS, an administrator shook hands with every kid using her LEFT hand. She handed them a certificate with her right hand. The kids were all flustered. The were waiting below the stage and couldn’t see what was happening, or perhaps some of them could have mentally prepared to hold out their left hands. Instead most of them held out their right hands, then awkwardly grabbed the certificate, then shook with their left hands. There was a photographer positioned downstage, and he would have gotten a great shot of the administrator, but not as good an angle on the kids. A right hand shake would have made better photos of the kids. I don’t think she had any physical reason to do this.
@barfly. Be careful about that “firm” handshake advice. A potential hire at my workplace lost out because he left the female partner’s hand hurting for hours. She was really annoyed and blackballed him from consideration. When she spoke up two other women mentioned that they rejected intern applicant who hurt their hand during the handshake. Many women have slender hands without much " meat" and despise the very firm handshake some men favor. . Maybe some men do too bit I think they’d never admit it
I think there is a difference between a “firm” handshake and a “crushing” handshake. We actually practiced with our kids when they were little, but one of them did tend towards crushing and needed reminders!
@ailinsh1 - That’s how I met my best college friend a jillion years ago. Three weeks into my freshman year, I came home to the dorm from an evening class. As I walked to my room, I passed hers and the door was wide open. I’d seen her in the hallway, so I stopped and stood in the door and we chatted for 5 minutes. The next evening, she stopped by my room before dinner to ask if I’d like to go. We were inseparable for the next 4 years. So, yes, that technique works.
