I agree about the learning by proxy stuff; I’m going through this with my 16 year old who has her license. I see her making the same mistakes that I kept telling her not to do (like look left and right and then left again before you hit the gas to go through an intersection-gawd). It’s like she hears me, but she hasn’t incorporated it into how she operates because it’s an external “mom tells me to do this”. I suspect (and am terrified by the thought that) it will take a really ugly incident or near miss for her to internalize that concept of look then go.
Both girls do their own laundry now because at one point they each thought it would be ok to leave a load of clean laundry marooned on the floor of the laundry room just to fish out one shirt or pair of jeans. Every time they do their laundry I hear “mom what am I supposed to wash this on?” I suspect by the time they get to college I’m going to get a text: “mom what am I supposed to wash this on?” lol.
They don’t use excel or checking accounts, we have a Toshl app that they try to use to track their debit card spending (but they stink at it because they’re not that motivated to keep track because they’re not that independent yet where running out of money is a real issue).
So, I suspect that a lot of this How To stuff is just going to have to be boots on the ground learning it on their own when it becomes necessary for them. The values stuff we’ve walked and talked since they were little; just have to have faith that they’ll carry most of that with them when they go to college.
Sending our son off to college was a brand new learning experience for all three of us, as neither my husband or I went to college. At times, there were things we were unsure of, what the right procedures were, how we would all adjust, ect. So I told my son that he didn’t have to understand how it all works, just keep moving forward, and ask questions when he needed to know more, figuring it out along the way.
It’s summed up in a song by country singer John Michael Montgomery. The chorus goes like this:
“Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow;
Don’t worry about what you don’t know,
Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.”
Time Management: Parents are no longer around to remind (nag) about what to do when.
We have tried to back off the last half year, but, sheesh, our very bright S is a space cadet about stuff. I plead for him to put things on the phone calendar, since it is his constant companion, but it is pulling teeth.
One school we visited has every freshman sit down with a guidance counselor and go over the syllabi for every class the first semester, putting everything into a calendar and making sure there are no conflicts. Very smart.
@ColdinMinny - Based on discussions with DS, it goes beyond just “time management”, though. And this may fall into the category of things they won’t really learn until they have to do it, but it is worth explicitly talking with them about it so they’re at least aware of it. They may be great at managing their time their senior year, so they think they’ve got that covered. But what they don’t realize is that they are doing it within the existing framework of a family … which imposes structure on their lives without them even being aware of it – people go to bed at normal hours; they get up at routine hours; they eat meals at regular intervals, etc… Then they get to college and there is really absolutely NO structure whatsoever and pretty much anything goes at any time – they have to create it for themselves. So it’s more than just “time management” … it’s consciously choosing to impose structure on their lives, and then also managing their time within that structure.
Totally agree. Have to keep telling the wife to NOT go upstairs and remind S to get to bed. We wont be there to do that next fall, so let him figure it out for himself, but old habits die hard, don’t they?
I told my D last night that decisions regarding course selection, add/drop, major/minor, overloading, etc are hers and hers alone. Mom and dad will support her decisions and be a sounding board for her, but if she trust herself and her instincts, then she will make the right decision.
I never really made my son spend time in the kitchen and learn to cook. It was ok because he lived in a dorm or apt. his entire college life and ate in the dining hall. He just wasn’t interested in cooking. Now that he has a job and will be living on his own for the first time, I intend to spend the 2 weeks between graduation and the job teaching him to cook!
@annwank, I like that advice. But one thing some kids don’t really understand when they start college is how important it is to know and understand their degree plan - to understand timing of prereqs and that some courses are only offered one semester per year. It’s pretty easy for kids to make one little change to their schedule and end up lacking a prereq or finding the course they dropped won’t be offered the next semester. And they have to look far into the future at prereqs for some majors. My son wanted to drop a class sophomore year, but it was a prereq for another prereq for another prereq…… And it was never offered in summer school It’s was like if he dropped this one course as a sophomore, he could not possible graduate on time! Yikes!
When I went off to college, literally, my Mom’s last words to me were “Don’t have fun.” When I dropped my son off at college, I changed it to “Don’t have TOO MUCH fun.”
Momannoyed: Buy your son a crock pot! My son, who is now in law school, loves his! He makes stuffed peppers in its a couple of times a month (uses ground turkey instead of ground beef). He also likes making soup, which is great for cold, winter days, and lasts a couple of meals.
How to cook a few basic things! Most students have meal plans but most still have 7 or so meals to take care of themselves in addition to snacks. Learning how to prep really basic microwave or rice cooker meals is important
Student here with a suggestion for parents: teach your children that they should not take their mental and physical well-being for granted. Please teach them that there is no shame in seeking help for mental illness. Like physical illnesses, there are treatments – therapy and/or medication – and some students might have to take a medical leave of absence to get the potentially life-saving help they need.
If you are thinking, “not my kid,” please take a moment to read about the bright, athletically gifted, beautiful, popular UPenn student who shocked her many friends and loving family members when she committed suicide last year. For many young adults, mental illness initially presents during their college years, and suicide is often listed as the second leading cause of death among college students.
@annwank, you may end up sorry if your kid ends up not graduating in four years due to this. It can be very, very costly. If I were you, I would pay attention to whether my kid was on track to graduate, losing a semester by changing majors, etc. in most families it isn’t just the kid that pays for these mistakes, and the price is high these days.
