<p>SB Mom, Does she have a close guy friend who can help her see the situation more clearly. My D was in a similar situation but we had her brother who she listened to more then us and a close guy friend who although she at first did not listen to even them eventually realized that they were seeing the situation more clearly then she was. Many kids have to figure out the high school first love thing. It can be very difficult but even in the midst of it kids that are bright realize that they will change over 4 years and that they may or may not change in the same direction.</p>
<p>1 more mom:
We had that same thought too. I think that might work because I think he's the gentlemanly type.</p>
<p>always: At the risk of offending someone reading this (no offense meant), I'll bluntly say that he did not "seem" gay in person; I just wondered about his lack of sexual history. Just because someone comes across hetero is no guarantee, of course, but I think if anything he could be asexual.</p>
<p>Mister: LOL! You and my husband are right on the same page. Fortunately, as all of this has come to a head my husband has been on an extended biz trip and thus there have not been any vigilante actions. I agree, the age thing is NOT okay with me. But she'll be 18 in 3 or 4 months soooo I don't want to create a worse problem by having her just wanting to get back at us then.</p>
<p>Arizonamom,</p>
<p>That is such a good point. She has three very close male friends that would probably be able to talk to her. Her brother too but he is 13. The friends (one is at Yale & very level headed) are a GREAT idea; I could suggest she get a "guy's point of view..."</p>
<p>I have to ask (excuse the prurient interest) - how is this guy claiming virginity? Did he tell you? Tell your daughter, who repeated it to you? Either way, I find that really peculiar. My mother would certainly never have known such a thing about anyone I dated.</p>
<p>He told her, and she told me. </p>
<p>She told me in a proud way, and it was in answer to me saying something like, "well, honey, a much older guy might put you in a sexual situation you aren't ready for...." and she replied, "No Mom, he's not like that; he's a virgin."</p>
<p>SBMom - my daughter met her bf the first month of 9th grade(they are freshman in college now). They were both attending a magnet school and they clicked right away. They absolutely compliment each other and I could see them together forever. From day one they said they were going to apply to the colleges they wanted to go to and not have the other influence them. As seniors they did just that and one is in Chicago and the other in DC. They decided to "take a break" when they left (I guess that term came from the TV show Friends?)
I figure they will date others but eventually end up together if things are meant to be. We are moving out of the area so she won't be seeing him on breaks or during the summer and with college being so far apart their relationship will be tested. I personally hope they end up together - I can't imagine her with anyone else and normally I am NOT a proponent of high school relationships continuing. </p>
<p>As for your situation I would have to agree with the other posters. Keep your daughter focused on HER goals and if they are meant to be together things will work out but she has to concentrate on herself.</p>
<p>Another thing to tell your daughter: the college school year is SHORT (about 30 weeks, as opposed to the normal high school year of 36-37 weeks.) There are lots of vacations and holidays in the college calendar - so BF can visit often, and she can come home if she has the $ for air tickets. My DD's and her SO applied to all the same schools, but ended up choosing different schools - even though they got into several of the same schools. Things can change between September and May!</p>
<p>clipper: honestly that is what keeps me from "forbidding" (hah! like that works) the relationship is that who knows, he really could be an incredible guy-- as long as the growth trajectory of my D is respected and left to unfold naturally...</p>
<p>anxious: Good point; I will try to keep doing deep yogic breathing going and reminding myself how things can quickly change.</p>
<p>SBMom-- IMHO you should back off. You know way too much (and don't everyone flame me about how close you are to your kids and how you know everything about their signficant others...) and therefore, are too involved.</p>
<p>Encourage her to keep her options open for as long as possible; she doesn't know where she'll get in and doesn't know how she'll feel about any of her schools once she is in, so it's premature to start loading the dice. It's just too hard to figure out how she'll feel in April.</p>
<p>In my opinion (again, hold your flames) a lot of the BF/GF stuff is really a defense mechanism kids use to deal with their fear or anxiety or feelings of inadequacy about college. It's so much easier to decide that you don't want to go to Princeton since your BF is working in Chicago than it is to admit that you're not ready to leave home, worried you can't keep up with everyone else, don't want to leave a familiar social situation, etc. </p>
<p>If this were my daughter, I'd back off, encourage her to complete her other applications (maybe she'll get in ED, maybe she won't; maybe this guy is the love of her life, maybe he's not;) and wait for the laws of physics to kick in. DON"T talk to the BF about her college situation; don't get his parents involved; don't get too caught up in the mechanics of the 90 mile seperation, is he gay or not.... There's very little you've told us that would indicate that this is anything but a high school romance (despite the fact that he's not in high school).</p>
<p>Blossom,</p>
<p>I think you have good advice. I would be 100% with you were it not for the age thing, and despite the age thing I am probably 95 % with you.</p>
<p>The defense mechanism point is really insightful; I agree. My D absolutely has butterflies about leaving in general but that is interspersed with being very eager to get out on her own.</p>
<p>I do not kid myself that I am running this show, it is her show. But I am talked to and consulted so I need a good "MO." that's why I am looking for advice.</p>
<p>I think you should let her make her own choices.</p>
<p>But if she tries to make the wrong choice, knock some sense into her. Only get involved if you think she can't handle it.</p>
<p>I suggest inviting him for thanksgiving</p>
<p>he is older he lives far a way lots of mystery there and room to invent him into anything she wants
you need to kill the mystery!</p>
<p>aim, I like this approach. there is a long time to go before intervention would be required. We can always get heavy handed later if required.</p>
<p>emerald: Brilliant idea! I remember that nothing killed my affection for a boy faster than the goofy enthusiasm of my mom & dad!! We will be setting another place. Also, she should go to his house & experience his family for more torture!</p>
<p>SBmom,</p>
<p>From something who met her husband when she was 18 and he was 28 (and we're still married at 50 and 60, respectively :) ), I can tell you that it won't work if you try to forbid it. My parents tried the same thing...having my father talk to him, etc. and you obviously just don't see things the same way when you're 18 and 50 (the age my parents were when I met my husband). Now that I'M 50, and my daughter is 17, I completely understand where my parents were coming from and it would DEFINITELY worry me if she did the same thing I did!! </p>
<p>And, yes, I can see where you would think that there would be something wrong with a 23 year old who wanted to date a 17 year old but it sounds like this young man might just be a little immature. That was the case with my husband and now, at age 60, I think he might just finally have caught up to me. :)</p>
<p>Your daughter will be 18 soon so I think what I would do is just tell her your concerns and, unfortunately, I think that's maybe all you can do and hope for the best. I wish you the best of luck!</p>
<p>SBmom,</p>
<p>Do not go and talk to the BF behind your daughter's back. It can really jeopardize your relationship with her, and make her defensive and defiant. It is not the end of the world if she applies only RD (or EA) in order to keep her options open.</p>
<p>As for the BF -- you said his parents are foreign born. Maybe he just grew up in a different environment, and his lack of "sexual history" is a result of being brought up in a different culture. And the age difference is usually a problem precisely because an older guy is more experienced, and expects more then what the girl is comfortable with. Since this is not the case with your daughter and her BF, the age is probably less of an issue. </p>
<p>And as a mother of a freshman daughter, I can tell you that having a long distance boyfriend can be a real plus at the beginning of the year when oversexed environment in the dorm can be quite overwhelming for a "sheltered" girl...</p>
<p>Momofonly & nngmm:</p>
<p>You both make great points.</p>
<p>I am resolved to just continue encouraging her to keep options open, to proceed with her educational dreams and personal growth, and to play it by ear. She a very sensible kid and has always been cautious-- and good judge of people. I need to trust her (while keeping my eyes open.)</p>
<p>Momofonly-- how incredible to hear your story. You are the exception that proves the rule. I guess I should count my blessings that he's only 23.</p>
<p>I'm glad you decided not to talk to the BF privately, and I love the idea of inviting him over for Thanksgiving, both so that she can see him in her own environment and so you and your H can get a better feel about him. Now that I see how old he really is I retract my statement that the age difference doesn't matter...</p>
<p>I must admit that it never entered my mind to consider premarital sexual experience as a benchmark for maturity. Given the large number of teens who read this message board, I would respectfully submit that sometimes self-control is the real sign of maturity. </p>
<p>Back to the subject at hand: I think you are getting a lot of good suggestions here. I would be concerned if it were my D. On the other hand, emotional compatibility (values, intelligence, interests...) does go beyond age; a point you seem to be thinking, too. I think I would be more concerned if this were a guy who seemed to be "on the take" or controlling in any way. However, I don't like the idea of him "following" her anywhere. Let her go have the college experience, and he can jolly-well wait for her return. The issue is not that he has had more life experiences than she has, but that she hasn't had much chance yet to have ANY. In other words, I think her age matters much more than the age difference, per se. </p>
<p>But I have no ideas for how to get a 17-year-old to listen to her mother. :)</p>
<p>binx,</p>
<p>I am lucky; she does listen to me. This is one of her most wonderful and unusual qualities, she is a great listener and really considers differing opinions, and sometimes (GASP!) she actually changes her mind!</p>
<p>She's a very teachable kid.</p>
<p>Another story from the trenches:</p>
<p>I was 17 when I fell for my boss at work, he was 23 and a graduate of a top tier public school. I began dating him at 18, but was still in high school. Now that my daughters are this age, I cannot fathom what my parents were thinking allowing me to go on the first date. Once that happened, there was nothing they could ahve done. Had I not been allowed to take that first step, I might have avoided falling in love, once i was in love, I cannot think of anything they could have done! </p>
<p>As a parent of teenage girls, I think there must be something wrong with a grown MAN who pursues a high school GIRL. More than age, it is the place in life; however, in reality, it all made sense at the time...........and 25 years later, still works! So, for all the apparent wrongness of the situation, it can be right, too. :)</p>
<p>That said, my biggest regret is going to the local public rather than pursuing a "real" go-away to university experience. If the relationship was meant to be, it would have stayed true and I would have been able to still have that experience. i don't think he would have pressured me not to go, that was my choice and honestly, back then, in the 70s, my parents knew nothing about university advice. </p>
<p>One thing that was very good was that my parents developed a real relationship with him, so they grew to know him well as a person. That helped them feel better, I am sure; they are still very close to my husband.</p>
<p>Even if your D begins to think she does not want to go away, there can be no harm in keeping her options open. What she thinks in the fall may not be the choice she will make next spring, so you could encourage her to pursue keepign many options open and deal with the decisions later.</p>
<p>As a parent, it cannot hurt her to have many choices available in the future. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>