Would there be consensus on the following?
A. If travel cost is a concern, it should be added to the net price of the college when comparing with others or the price limit, since it is possible that the college that is more costly to travel to can be less expensive even with the travel cost.
B. If travel time/convenience is a concern, it should be assessed based on actual travel time/convenience, since distance may not necessarily match up with travel time.
C. Be honest with the reason for any geographic limitation, because otherwise the kid may find a loophole in your stated limitation that you really did not intend to allow.
And if you truly can’t agree to him being far away, tell him now. The saddest case in my kids graduating class was a girl who got a great scholarship at a prestigious university in Boston, only to be told by her father she had to stay in state so ended up applying in May to a third tier nearby university still accepting applications. She is doing ok there, but has very little contact with her father, despite being nearby.
It helps not to judge.
Cousin of mine was diagnosed with a horrible disease early senior year of her eldest’s. This was a kid everyone expected to “go big” (out of state, prestigious, etc.) and when the kid quietly announced that she was staying closer to home people were obnoxious about it. A 17 year old is not obligated to tell every big mouth, 'My mom is in the middle of radiation treatment, so I’m staying close to home so I can help with my younger siblings".
Young kid in my neighborhood has a progressive auto-immune disorder. I only know because I was raising funds for that disease and the parent confided in me. It seems to me that very few people know about the diagnosis which of course is this kid and family’s right. It pains me no end that non-family members might tell the parents “what’s wrong with letting little Timmy go to Portland or LA or Chicago”. Timmy is fine now, jr year of HS. He might not be fine by senior year, and navigating mobility issues from thousands of miles from home, not to mention finding another care team-- ugh.
For those of you that think that a college kid needing a hospitalization is rare- good for you. Life has been kind to you, be grateful for it. But don’t make pronouncements about other people since you will rarely know what’s actually going on at home- either financially or medically.
Question for you. For parents that have geographical limitations, does that rule out a semester abroad? I just can’t see myself limiting my kids college experience because they might get the flu…
OP wasn’t referring to any other issues, blossom. Nor were there any in the above case, as I know the family very well. I think we all recognize there can be serious undisclosed reasons for staying close to home; this is more about A parents’preferences.
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I totally think that is how it should be handled. I will be having that conversation with my daughter and you can bet I will rack up a lot of good reasons why choosing a college that is close will be in her best interest. They will not only include coming home to visit me, but also her friends, finding a job in the area when she graduates, my ability to come get her if she needs, etc… I am just against giving her a map and saying 200 mile limit or I don’t pay.
oops, my response was for comment #60
Semester abroad was allowed…it’s one semester out of eight. We bought extra medivac insurance. Our kid actually did a study abroad through his own college.
It was from Labor Day to the first week in December…a lot different than all four years.
It’s a struggle that many parents face - I have a co-worker currently struggling with the same scenario because Mom/Dad can’t stand the thought of their child being far from them. While I completely understand this, I think most of us do, I think this is where we as parents have to zip it and encourage our kids to explore all viable options. To put restrictions on miles is our own insecurities and inability to snip at those apron strings. In the grand scheme of child rearing, IMO this is wrong, we need to let them go even tho it is gut wrenching.
I have an Aunt who refused to allow my cousin to go off to school, when I say refused, she threatened to withhold all financial support and since Auntie had the funds my cousin stayed local. That same cousin is in her mid 30’s and the resentment from that decision made all those years ago continues to fester and cause issue in their relationship. My cousin feels like she does not have the career etc that she could have had. (Funding was not the problem, Auntie had the bucks, she refused to spend them on anywhere beyond the local university that was just down the road)
@SnowflakeDogMom Yep, I was telling a close friend that we were looking at the UW campus on spring break and he goes “but it’s so far away!” From LA it’s only a 2.5 hour direct flight but he will not let his kids leave the state of CA. I just won’t do that to my kids, its their life and education, not mine. If an OOS college is the best fit for them, I will be the first to congratulate them.
Interesting thread.
My first thought was, “of course it’s reasonable to set a geographic limit… with so many colleges in the US, why not narrow it down before the kid gets too invested? They can always move to wherever for grad school or for a job after undergrad.” I still feel that to a certain extent. As a west-coaster near an international airport, my own soft requirement is that the kids look at schools either in state or near (let’s say within 1-2 hours’ drive) of a major airport. So Macalester and Oberlin would be okay but Cornell and Williams, not so much. And I don’t have those types of kids who have known since they were 12 that they HAD to go to xzy school, so I’m not crushing anyone’s dreams here by saying, ‘don’t bother looking at Cornell.’
As an aside, oldest kid just drove herself home solo from Willamette, 9+ hours away. (It’s also only an hour from PDX). Seems to be a good distance … maybe just a hair too long for a comfortable day’s drive, but otherwise, it’s out of state, a different climate, but same time zone.
So some of the counter arguments did make me reconsider. I guess for me, my own requirement doesn’t actually rule much out other than quite rural places, so the counter argument about wanting to be where you want to work in the future isn’t going to apply. But I can see if the kid really wants to break into tech right after grad school and you live in the midwest, limiting them to a couple of nearby states might affect their ability to get top internships.
Someone brought up the point of study abroad. I think that’s a bit different because they just fly there, stay for a semester or a year, and then fly back. They don’t need to make a tight connection during a blizzard for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Plus they usually don’t do that until junior year, when they’ve already had a couple of years of living away from you under their belts and you feel a bit more secure that they can handle everything.
“Someone brought up the point of study abroad. I think that’s a bit different because they just fly there, stay for a semester or a year, and then fly back. They don’t need to make a tight connection during a blizzard for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Plus they usually don’t do that until junior year, when they’ve already had a couple of years of living away from you under their belts and you feel a bit more secure that they can handle everything.”
A few of the reasons were “emergency surgery” and “bad flu” and the parents not being able to help them in an emergency. Study abroad should be completely off the table if that is the real concern, right?
I would like to think anyone attending college could handle a tight connection or weather delays in flying. Thousands of prep school kids manage it just fine.
@washugrad Williams is 40 miles from the Albany airport, so arguably within your 1-2 hour range.
Not specific to you, but this thread makes me really appreciate my Dad, who drove me the 20+ hours each way to and from college, when flying was unaffordable for our family and the speed limit was 55.
I didn’t limit my kids, but it was a problem when one was sick, or there was a hurricane (or 2). Cost isn’t a big deal but convenience was. I’m getting on a plane at midnight to go see my daughter play for the last time. Red eye there, 8 am flight home. I’ve been there 3 times since March, and I didn’t go to graduation (her choice, not mine). Some parents who live closer go to every game and I would have liked that.
I don’t think my kids are any more ‘grown up’ than kids who go to the flagship 45 minutes away or probably those who live at home and commute to a local school. Those commuter have cars and jobs to deal with, medical appointments, have friends and out of the house activities so plenty of opportunities to grow up. My friend is traveling this week to help her son move stuff from his dorm to storage for the summer. I don’t know how living 1000 miles away is making him more grown up than if he lived 100 miles away, or 30 at the flagship.
@socaldad2002
What don’t you understand about one semester VS FOUR YEARS?
And medivac would have transported our kid back here if there had been a medical emergency. A real one.
Come on…it’s a little different saying a kid needs to meet certain criteria for four years, than for one term.
And BTW…you must not have noticed that my kid went to college 3000 Miles way. All we asked is that the school be located near a relative or close friend. OR be within a three hour drive of our house.
And we also were very clear on how many plane tickets we would buy each year.
And before you ask…airfare was included in my kid’s study abroad cost of attendance from his college. So, that wasn’t an additional cost.
“What don’t you understand about one semester VS FOUR YEARS?”
It’s not 4 straight years. Here’s what a typical year looks like for most college students:
At college somewhere around Sept 1 until 3rd week in Nov.
Back home for the week of Thanksgiving holiday
At college from end of Nov until mid-Dec
Back home for x-mas/holiday/new years break until 2nd week of January
At college from January 10th - mid March
Back home (or family vacation) for spring break for a week
At college from 3rd week in March to end of May
Back home for summer break from June 1 - end of August
In contrast, when studying abroad in spring you might not be home from mid-January until the end of May (4.5 months) the longest stretch being away and not going home, plus you are physically farther from your home town.
I stand by my comment that I think some parents reasons for keeping their kids within a small geographical radius is more about the parents “needs” than the actual student’s needs. Of course if you have a kid that has a chronic illness or your family cannot afford to pay for expensive travel back and forth to college than that is a consideration. I don’t think the OP was talking about those type of scenarios.
The OP wrote this. He clearly states…more expenses and less seeing the student. So it’s very possible expenses do play onto this.
You know…this is a family decision, and what works for one family just might not work for another.
I think the important thing is that whatever parent criteria there are (cost, location, etc) be communicated to the student before the student applies to colleges. This OP is trying to do that…trying to figure out if the geographic restriction is over the top.
In my opinion, geographic restrictions are very reasonable. But that doesn’t mean I think every family should do,what we did.
Oh and for the record…my 3000 miles away kid never came home for Thanksgiving or Spring break. She spent those breaks with our family members close to her college.
They may or may not be reasonable, depending on the situation. “You must commute to the nearby expensive private college with bad financial aid that you have to take loans for even though you got a full ride to the distant college that is cheaper even with travel costs” may not be seen as reasonable as “stay within 8 hours travel time” for a student in a place with a large number of good (academic, financial, and other) fit colleges within 8 hours of travel time.
@ucbalumnus
I was also very clear. This is a family decision. I personally think parent geographic restrictions can be very reasonable. Are they always reasonable…maybe not in your opinion…but as I said…this is a family decision to be made by each family.