My kid never came home for thanksgiving or spring break. Thanksgiving is not a full week at every school and both mine went to schools with just Wed-Sun off. Very expensive and very inconvenient to fly anywhere. Spring break one had her sport to play.
To the OP, it’s not unreasonable to tell your kid to go to a school in New England (since there are only about a million of them), and it’s not unreasonable to let them apply to Hawaii if you feel comfortable with that. If your son goes to California or Hawaii, you aren’t going to be able to visit often (or maybe you will) and he won’t get to come home often. If he plays a sport or is an actor, you might not get to see him perform. After first year, he may not come home for the summer or every again. That happens. My daughter’s moving 2 hours south of her college - farther away.
At some point parents no longer can or should dictate where their adult offspring reside. For some, that comes at 18 or 21 or 25 or whenever. But it does come, whether the parents are ready or not.
I agree that this is an individual and family decision. The 3000 mile away DD I posted about above also has a major medical illness (Type I Diabetes). She was diagnosed about 8 months before leaving for college. For two years we have been in constant discussions about whether her current college/location makes sense. She, I think wisely, has declined overseas study stating “I feel like I am already at a study abroad.” She has endured the flu, ER visits, blood sugar issues, difficulty obtaining her medications and a whole host of other medical issues. As it stands now, she will continue with her education. I have noticed that she is developing the self advocacy needed to engage with the medical profession and I don’t think she could do this with mom and dad present. However, I reserve the right to bring her home if medical issues become problematic. She understands that and consents to our parameters for continued study. Again, communication with your kid (ahem… developing adult) is the key.
ShawSon had a medical problem and had a pretty intense surgery during his gap year. He applied to college during his gap year. We did not know if he would have ongoing medical problems. As a result, we limited his applications to a four hour driving radius of our Boston area house in case one of us needed to scoop him up. Living in New England does mean that there are many strong choices and he went to one of the top LACs that was roughly 1.5 hours drive from us. This was wise and he often drove home for random weekends, though he did not have another medical issue in college.
Although he was not a techie, he co-founded a tech company in his senior year and ran it for another year. He then attended grad school in the Bay Area (MBA and MS in Data Science). He came back much less frequently than he would have had he been in school on the East Coast. The cost was noticeable even though there are frequent direct flights from SFO and SJC. But, the STEM education was remarkable and the connections to Bay Area tech companies and VCs is extraordinary. His Data Science/Computational and Mathematical Engineering classmates all walked straight into jobs just down the road (Facebook, Apple, Schlumberger, Nvidia, etc.). He is entrepreneurial and formed a second company with several million dollars of seed capital largely from Bay Area VCs. His network for hiring is fabulous. I’m sure you can get jobs in the same tech companies if you are East Coast based, but it just seems easier. Probably harder would be finding jobs in tech startups from the East Coast. Incidentally, he did need a second, very serious surgery while there. It turns out that we have been spending the winters in the Bay Area and he came and stayed with us while he was recovering from the surgery. He couldn’t have flown back to the East had we not been there anyway (We might have flown out to help him).
Wow, I did not expect but truly appreciate all of the replies. It’s too hard to respond specifically but here is more info.
DS is aware of the financial and distance concerns. We’ll have 2 in school when he goes. We’ve talked about location and he is still researching them, knowing the issues. We are honest with him and he is a very independent thinker but lacking some common sense at times. Lol
He’s the youngest of 3. DD#1 went to college close to home, moved 1000 miles away and is married. DD#2 is going to school 1000 miles away in the same city as her sis in August. We’d be a few hours away if we move, and much closer to my whole side of the family. DS has the whole east side of the US available and as far west as CO. He is not interested in staying in state because the program is not strong enough.
DH and I both went several hours away to school so we’re not really concerned about distance. It’s just the extreme distance with little to no family there. He has schools from NY to GA and MI on his short list.
I get that emergencies are rare but we’ve been through 2 with DD#1. She had a life threatening condition that I just happened to be with her. Thankfully we were out of town but in my hometown so I was able to navigate everything. Her second was a surgery and we were 1000 miles away from her new city. I know we can survive emergencies but it’s really hard to need that travel time.
I do think he is in a good position for schools looking for geographic diversity so maybe if they end up being the best options, we’ll let him apply and see what happens.
Distance and ease of travel may be different. Non-stop shuttle flights to major cities are often a cheap easy way to travel, especially on the East coast. Parents usually book the lowest fares, and students find each other to Uber pool back to campus. Schools are in session most of the winter when driving conditions are unpredictable. While touring, I did remind our children that their travel options to the middle of nowhere 4+ hours away were limited. Bus services seemed to only run on breaks.
If a child has a history of medical conditions, a university with a hospital is helpful. Yes, they will eventually learn to navigate the medical system and advocate for themselves, but it is a process. Returning home for freshman fall break with undiagnosed pneumonia required treatment and a firm pediatrician’s note for the campus medical staff she had previously visited 3 times for treatment.
Every family situation is different. Some have multiple children spread out and attending at the same time. Others have a single working parent or an ill parent. We all have a sense of whether our children will fit in in a different geographic area. Do they just like the idea of far away or is it truly the perfect place and department for their needs?
@drewsmom17 - If your son has his eye on the CA job markets, he should attend a College/University with a highly regarded CS program and graduate at or near the top of his class. He the will have no difficulty getting a job in CA or anywhere else.
S applied and got merit at USC (about a four hour flight from home) but in the end decided it was still not worth the extra costs of higher annual tuition and travel back and forth across the country to Atlanta, when compared with other options. Also, although the weather in CA is alluring, the higher costs of just about everything from gas to insurance, higher rents and property values, made it less appealing for him when thinking about where he ultimately might want to live and work after college. We do have family in Los Angeles, so that would have made going to school at USC a little easier, in terms of the “what if there’s an emergency situation”, as others mentioned. In the end, we let him decide and he came to his own conclusion that the instate option made more sense for him.
This type of question is always funny to me, because it always goes the same way. There are always those whose kids go far away to schools and the parent wears that decision as a badge of honor, believing with that decision comes some sort of superiority because it is so noble, or more mature of them as a parent, to let them go. And those that limit an opportunity, or simply say out loud that they would like their kids closer, are inferior as a parent because they aren’t letting go. How good or cool a parent you are isn’t measured in the distance you are willing to send your to student to college. Some have families where keeping relationships active and close their entire life is important to them, some don’t, everyone’s situation is different. News flash is, we all want our kids to do well wherever they go. Bottom line is, that visits, emergencies, and events at the school will be handled differently if they are a drive away versus a long flight away. Some will involve more money and more time.
In terms of the risk of them settling elsewhere, I believe it is less about where they go, and more about where they came from, that determines whether they come back or where they settle. Some are fortunate to live in an area that regardless of where the kids go to school, they want to resettle there and there are opportunities that support them doing so. And the lucky ones have family that likes to be in relative close proximity of each other to have support for the long haul. Some don’t have great places or family situations/relationships worth returning to.
I don’t get people resenting their parents years later for any limits on their geographic location during college - once on your own dime get off the couch and go where you want to go.
I think your post misses the point. I actually don’t think this is about geography at all. I think it is all about what part the student, who’s future this is, has in the decision process. Some people on this list have said they gave the limitation to their child of the geography of where the child could apply, and some believe that the student needs to be involved in that decision. I think the same can be true if you insert “choose a major”, or “choose a job” or any other life decisions. You state “How good or cool a parent you are isn’t measured in the distance you are willing to send your student to college” I am not “sending my child” they are choosing their college, a huge decision, and I will support their decision . And You do not value the family relationship any more then any family who has a student who chooses to attend the best college for them that might be far away from their home town. Talk about not being cool.
It might be less of where they go TO YOU. It might be everything to that student. And I don’t think anyone said they resented their parent. We were just giving advice to people on this list that your child might have wished they could have had the opportunity to be more involved in this decision.
“The lucky ones have family that likes to be in relative close proximity of each other to have support for the long haul. Some don’t have great places or family situations/relationships worth returning to.”
My daughters live 1000 and 2000 miles away, respectively. I don’t consider this to be a reflection on me, them, our closeness, the support I’ve provided them and continue to provide or the quality of our family situation or relationships.
If geographic proximity is that crucial to a parent, the parent could relocate, and many do when they are elderly. There are other jobs, houses, cities, etc. Very few people live their whole lives in their hometown anymore, even if that hometown is big like NYC. Fortunately technology these days can keep us all easily connected.
People resent it years later, @blueskies2day , if they believe their parents were placing their own interests above those of their children. Not always the case, of course-there can be finances, health issues etc. But if none of those applied, yes, I would resent it too.
I will add…neither of our kids had any problem with our request that they look for colleges within a three hour drive of our home…or within an hour of a close friend or relative. Both felt that was very reasonable…especially since…it was the ONLY criteria we parents requested.
I will say, if either had come up with a compelling reason for a college outside of our criteria, we would have listened carefully to the compelling reason.
But neither kid did.
We have relatives all over the place…and friends. And we live in CT…lots of colleges within a three hour drive…lots.
Really…not much of a limiting factor in our kids’ cases…at all.
@royalcroftmom, most financial advisors would suggest that parents not overextend themselves or their finances to pay or provide their kids’ college expenses or experience. And that includes travel costs to visit the child or for him/her to come home. In other words, parents SHOULD think of themselves and their own needs when making decisions about costs for college for their children. In the short term, some children may not be happy (or even resent) that they are not able to attend a university due to excessive costs, but they may likely be grateful down the road when their parents are financially independent and not cash poor when they reach retirement and/or have greater financial needs in retirement. The happy child or college graduate and young professional is one who does not have to support their parents in their old age. There do not have to be financial issues or health issues today. The point is to plan on the unexpected and save accordingly for the future. And yes, some parents relocate or downsize after the last child is off to college, but I would not suggest following the child to the city where she/he goes to school. This is a time for separation, not holding on to the umbilical cord. That being said, if a child is moving across the country and the family wants to move to a less expensive place to live that is closer to other family members, it may be reasonable.
In other cases, if the issue is not financial at present and the family has already saved enough for their own retirement, it may become a longer term financial benefit for the child/children when the student chooses a less expensive undergraduate school option that may lead in the future, for example, to having resources available to help pay for a new car, help with a down payment on a house/condo or to start a business. When funds are still available after undergraduate school to access, rather than tapping into retirement funds, the family as a whole benefits. Agree with @19parent that the best scenario is where the parent supports the child’s decision, but the child must be mature enough to understand all the moving parts and consequences of the decision, both short and long term.
In our case, there is what I would loosely call a “college fund” but it is also used for non college benefits for our children. Whatever is not used for undergraduate school will be available for grad school and what is not used for that can be used to benefit the children beyond college life. Our S understood this and made a decision to not attend a private out of state university that was initially high on his list when thinking of the “short term” but longer term thinking (an abstract cognitive skill that many 18 year olds do not yet have) enabled him to realize that he did not want to have an undergraduate degree four years from now, in an expensive city, after blowing his entire college fund/resources.
Separation anxiety is not an irrational fear, it’s pretty typical when a kid leaves home for college, regardless of distance.
Anyway to answer the actual question by the OP, no, you should not feel guilty for wanting your kid to stay closer to home, guilt is just bad to have. What others have said though about limiting his choice once his acceptances are in is valid, if you let hit him apply to a college in the west and he gets in, then you should let him make the decision based on fit, finances etc.
My recommendation on CS is even on the east coast, he should try and find an internship with a company in silicon valley or Seattle or wherever he wants to land his first job. It doesn’t have to be a big name, once you’re out here, you can start networking. Outside of the top colleges for CS in the east coast (MIT, CMU, Cornell etc.), you’ll have to look for less selective colleges, find out from them how many of their grads end up in west coast jobs, you can use Linkedin for this as well. Good luck!
