Lonely at Boarding School

Prep School Admissions
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<p>i am trying to be helpful. cindy, doing stuff like eating by yourself at the dining hall is weird. period. people do notice, they'll brand you a loser/freak and it'll be very hard to shed that reputation. yeah, once in awhile is ok, but don't make a habit out of it. even if you only sorta-know some people, just go sit with them. almost everybody does this.</p>

<p>like i said though, the most tight-knit cliques are those that center around some common activity, most often some type of performing arts thing or athletics. the trick with sports is to not be the awkward kid who's always falling behind on runs and really can't do anything right. you should strive to be somewhat-good, at least enough so that you prove to others that you're not a complete mess.</p>

<p>if you can't do that, then join the school play or something. either way, find your niche. you'll feel a lot better.</p>

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<p>@ lbftw: A few points. First, Cindy Freshman doesn't say she eats alone. You're imagining things so repeating your claim that it's weird is, well...let's just say it's on the other side of normal. </p>

<p>Second, you seem very much consumed with fitting in. That works for you. It's not "right" for everyone. Other people hit their stride and excel when they're willing to step outside their comfort zones. In fact, when I took up lacrosse I was one of the slow-pokes you refer to. Not only did I stand out, but I decided to to do 2-a-days in steel plated work boots strapped on with duct tape. I stood out, but if I didn't take that risk and decided to disregard what everyone else thought, I wouldn't have played in college or remained connected to the sport and its governing body to this day. </p>

<p>Finally, you totally miss the point she's making. Cindy Freshman says she really likes the social opportunities at BS. It's the times that she goes alone that she feels that she's outside of her comfort zone...or, in your parlance, weird. My message to her is grow comfortable with solitude and quiet time...and be less concerned with what others think about her. After all, let's face it, most kids think everyone else is watching them. And the truth is, they're not. Like you, they're too busy worried about who's watching them to be paying close attention to you.</p>

<p>Whatever you do, Cindy Freshman, don't spend any energy plotting how to fit in and blend into the crowd. Unless your CO is looking for volunteers to take the point on the next patrol through Karbala, it's a bad idea to intentionally fade off into obscurity.</p>

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<p>I'd say that I agree with tuesdayair. At least at Exeter, it is nearly normal to sit alone.</p>

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<p>if her problem is that she feels suffocated by being in such close proximity to others all the time, then maybe "lonely" wasn't the best way to describe herself, was it?</p>

<p>and she specifically mentioned having to find people to sit with at meals, to which somebody replied that she should just sit by herself, which i rightly pointed out was a bad idea.</p>

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<p>Wrongly, lbftw. I go to the same school as Tuesdayair, and I'd say I probably sit alone frequently. Not because I'm a "freak," or have "no friends," but simply because chances are I'm in a hurry and don't want to get into a long conversation unless I have the time. Boarding school is busy, and sometimes I just want to wolf down cold cuts and get on with my day. And, frankly, sometimes, Exeter being as intense as it is, it's nice to have a little alone/quiet time. (Actually, I hate it when I'm in "alone mode" and someone comes to sit with me.) Nobody judges me the worse for it; the most that ever happens is that when I return to my friends they joke that they haven't seen me in months, years, centuries, etc. I don't know what school you go to, lbftw, but it's not mine!</p>

<p>ETA: (Hah, lbftw, from reading your other posts it seems that we actually have gone to supersimilar schools. This is one point, though, that I'd argue Exeter really is free from care. Maybe we're all so self-obsessed we don't notice kids eating alone...)</p>

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<p>I think we've gotten a little off topic with this whole "eating alone" thing. And yet, at the risk of beating a dead horse, I do have a quick observation. As simplistic as this may sound, I think the acceptability of eating alone differs at different schools, and I would not be surprised if something as mundane as the shape of the tables and the way the dining room is set up plays a role. </p>

<p>I know where Helenmellon goes. And I think I know where lbftw went. In both cases the schools have a single large open dining room with large round tables. Sitting all by yourself, out in the open, at one of these large round tables, while all around you there are tables filled with kids does look a little weird and makes you stand out. Particularly at dinner time, when the dining room is likely to be most crowded. </p>

<p>I think if you in a dining room that's less open, with lots of small tables, eating alone is more common and you stand out less.</p>

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<p>i'll concede it's probably different at different schools, but a lot of places have those big round tables and sitting by yourself at one of those is weird. i remember me and a friend of mine went to the dh early one saturday and were the only people there; a bunch of random kids we barely knew (and some we didn't know at all) came and sat with us. so yeah, just do that.</p>

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<p>wow i din't mean to start a new topic. let me rephrase.
its okay to sit alone in the dining hall every ONCE IN A WHILE, as Cindy said, being around people 24/7 can be a little overwhelming at times. i think its only healthy for everyone to sit alone at least once every so often.</p>

<p>Also, it definately depends on the school!! If its never done at your school than i can understand feeling awkward about it!!!</p>

<p>I have sat alone in the past- i swear im not a freak! out of my own free will. but most of the time when i dont really know the people in the dining hall during a lunch period i end up making new friends.:)</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone who responded, you all made some great points! I describe myself as “lonely” simply because I wish I had more close friends. However, I really love how living in the dorms means you are instantly part of a friendly, warm community
and I am grateful for the two good friends I have made on my floor. The major benefit of boarding school is that there are all these fun activities such as dances, barbeques, pizza breaks, etc. that allow you to get to know the other kids. However, the more social opportunities also means more social pressure. It does hurt when I go to an ice cream break with my roommate on a Sunday afternoon and she gets all this attention and I am not sure who to talk to. I am not paranoid and I know people are not always watching me but there is a certain level of privacy you have to give up when you go away to school. Kids would notice if I had a new boyfriend or if I ate every meal alone. To me, eating alone too often is unfortunate just because it is a missed opportunity to socialize. I want to get to know the kids better and hopefully connect with others and meals give you that chance. D’yer Maker—I have loved all of your posts on this board but don’t I have to spend some energy trying to fit in? If I don’t then wouldn’t I be a MISFIT who failed the social part of the boarding school experience?</p>

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<p>it's good that you've made friends. do you wish you were more popular, that you knew more of "cooler" kids or whatever?</p>

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<p>Cindy -- Could you request a single next year? This might give you some private time. Just a thought.</p>

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<p>Yes, I certainly have made some nice friends. I said I had mixed feelings about boarding school not that I was completely miserable. Who wouldn't want to be popular? Of course I would. I am not a snob who only wants to be friends with "cool" kids. I would most like to get to know someone nice and smart who is not considered "cool" by the herd.</p>

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<p>i'm just saying the "popular" (which is pretty subjective) cliques at these places can be very exclusive. i think you'll meet people that fit your criteria eventually. just don't isolate yourself is all.</p>

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<p>Cindy, I have re-read your post many times and there is a sentence that keeps catching my eye
[quote]
I keep waiting for that magical moment when I know that this is the perfect school for me but that hasn’t happened.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think that all of us at one time or another think there should be magical moments occurring in our day, telling us we have made the right choice. It’s what the fairy tales and movies are made of—lightening bolt strikes and it is love at first sight. The dust is removed from our glasses and we can see our future clearly and know we are on the right path. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, I don’t think those magical moments happen too often. And when you’re a teenager, I think there is a lot of second guessing going on. You don’t know what you want—feelings can change on a dime. It’s a time for exploration, for figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. Second guessing is wonderful—this is the time to open yourself up to a world of possibilities. </p>

<p>However if you were really excited about attending boarding school, you may have idealized how your life was going to be, without taking into consideration who you are and where your comfort zone is. While interests and skills change during the course of a person's life, the one thing that does remain constant is an individual's personality - the innate way each person naturally prefers to see the world and make decisions. You said you were shy, so it stands to reason, you will still be on the shy side, even at prep school.</p>

<p>So, perhaps, right now, you may feel a little let-down and disappointed. Add to that you haven’t made super close friends, and you may start questioning if you made the right choice. “Is everyone having fun but me? Are they judging me? How come they’re all talking to these other kids, but not me?”</p>

<p>You bring up valid points about the privacy issue. Gossip and rumors spread like wildfire in small environments, and people would notice if you had a new boyfriend. (It might be news for a day or two, but that would probably be the end of it. On to the next juicy story!) And I understand the roommate situation. Even though my daughter is very happy at her boarding school now, and has a slew of friends, she did say that her closest friend (ironically the one who made her cry the 1st week of school), gets all the boys attention; they all think she is “hot”. Considering how many boys were calling her while she was home on vacation, I don’t think she is a wallflower, but everything is relative.</p>

<p>Only you know if you’ve made the right decision to attend your school. Truthfully, I think if you made some great close friends (including a boyfriend or two:)), it would probably change your entire experience. IBFTW suggested joining some clubs as a way to meet others. Are you in any right now? I am sure there are other kids there that feel the same way you do. I think it is great that you are trying to socialize. Eventually you will end up meeting other kids that you click with--it just takes time. Good luck and keep us posted!</p>

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<p>is it a boyfriend you want? that's just a looks thing quite honestly.</p>

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<p>I am sorry for hijacking this thread, but I just read something that made me worry about fitting in in boarding school. Cindy mentioned that she was shy, and I think Jenny made a passing remark about this too. I admit that I AM shy and soft spoken. Teachers, classmates, and even strangers notice this. I’m not the kind of person who is always so hyper and excited about every little thing, nor am I the kind of person who loves to socialize all the time. </p>

<p>Yes, I speak up when I have something to say, but I don’t like being center stage all the time. That’s just too tiring. Although I don’t get intimidated easily, seeing as how I grew up in a competitive environment where I excel, I think I might have a problem with being … less than stellar, so to speak. I realize that this is something I should expect. I do thrive when I am against people just as good as me, but simply put, I don’t like being on the lower end. Who does, right?</p>

<p>I fit in well in most environments, although it takes me a few weeks to find friends. It’s just that I’m not comfortable knowing that EVERYONE else is better than me. If you have read Dyer’s post before answering my question, you would see that I admitted that I’m the kind of person who never really had to work extra hard to be the best. Sure, I study. But my reputation in my class is that I’m one of the smart kids who still break a few rules. I’m good natured, not uptight.</p>

<p>So my question is, how hard is it to adjust if you are naturally shy?</p>

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<p>Are you comfortable being shy?</p>

<p>It takes all types of personalities to make a boarding school. If all the kids were trying to be the center of attention, you'd have chaos. It's a community. Everyone fits in where they want and need to fit in...in lots of ways.</p>

<p>On the football team, some people handle the football. Others block. They're all valued. In the school orchestra, you'll have a first chair for some instruments and others will play. There's even the person that taps the triangle all of 8 times during the Copland piece. All are important and vital.</p>

<p>It's the same with personality types. Outgoing isn't necessarily better. And, if you're naturally shy, then outgoing and miserable definitely isn't better.</p>

<p>Be okay with who you are, first. </p>

<p>Then, be willing to try new things. </p>

<p>Shy people are always encouraged to be a little more outgoing. This is good advice but it often comes across as if shy people are deficient and need to alter their personalities. I would disagree that that's the point...and disagree with that advice if that is the point. </p>

<p>Now, extreme shyness isn't good...because that suggests a recalcitrance to branching out. But a tendency towards shyness if fine. What you rarely hear -- and should hear more often -- is advice to the outgoing to calm down and stop and smell the roses. The extremely outgoing people aren't superior in terms of personality. They're welcome to be part of the overall mix and valued in that way. But, individually, they're well-advised at times to "take a chill pill" and mellow out a bit.</p>

<p>But, in the end, there's no avoiding the fact that there's a social component to being part of a discreet and insular residential community. The community clicks when its members are engaged. That's why you'll hear people more often urged to come out of their shells and overcome their shyness. Just understand that as an invitation to join the community, not that you're deficient or inferior to the "hale fellow, well met" characters who will resonate loudest in the social landscape of boarding school.</p>

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<p>I agree with D'Yer. To add another twist to the conversation, I also think that the balance between introverts and extroverts within the student body could go a long way towards explaining a school's "feel", and the "fit" for individual students. There isn't a right or wrong answer, no magical ratio of shy to outgoing, but it's a good reason to visit a school before deciding to attend.</p>

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<p>Cate, </p>

<p>Although it may be somewhat counterintuitive, I would argue that for the moderately shy person BS is a better environment than a regular high school. Because you will be living with your classmates, eating with them, going to classes with them, playing sports with them - basically around them 24 hours a day, you will definitely get to know them, and if you make an effort to be friendly you will have friends. I think it's actually harder for a shy kid to make friends at a regular high school, where you are only together part of the day and everyone is going off in ten different directions. I suspect it's even tougher if you go to a large high school, where you may have different kids in every class and it's easier to fall through the cracks.</p>

<p>As far as having to deal with increased competition at BS - that's true. It is a lot harder to be at the top of your class, and virtually impossible if you don't put in a lot of effort. Of course I see challenging yourself in this way as a good thing and something that will raise the level of your game.</p>

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<p>Yes, I'm fine just the way I am. I'm not excessively shy in a sense that I don't participate in anything. It's just that I am more comfortable when I KNOW the people I'm interacting with. Then again, if I don't know the person, I wouldn't really care much what they think of me so I'll pretty much do whatever I want (within a certain limit, of course). Bottom line is, I'm a bit self conscious and I'd hate to be judged by people who don't see the whole deal. The reason why I prefer knowing others on a more personal basis is because I feel secure that they won't give me a label whenever I do something out of the ordinary (and I do that quite often).</p>

<p>Actually, I think I fit in best with people who are outgoing. I love to talk, trust me on that, but I don't initiate the first conversation if I feel a bit intimidated. That's the kind of shy I'm talking about. It's just that it's not in my nature to be extremely perky and energetic all the time. Know what I mean? I do enjoy some "me" time.</p>

<p>prpdd, I think my teacher checked (in her rec) "one of the top few I have ever met" for effort, after I took Dyer's advice. I am proud of that! Problem with me is, if I am not challenged, I slack off. I'm trying to do something about that, and am still practicing Dyer's suggestions.</p>

<p>Anyways, thank you for your insights. They're highly appreciated ... makes me feel better. :)</p>