Looking for advice regarding son's strange decisions

You do of course realize what a profound insult this is to every man and woman in our armed forces?

Signed,
The son of a decorated WWII combat veteran who enlisted right out of high school and helped win the war so you can have the very freedom that you enjoy today.

He needs to talk both a Marine recruiter and a Marine officer recruiter. It is not easy to move from the enlisted ranks to the officer ranks, and the ease will also depend on the field. You don’t just enlist and decide in two years that you want to be an officer and bam.

I don’t think the OP meant it that way at all.

If the OP’s son had long expressed an interest in a military career and had applied to the service academies or to ROTC programs with this ambition in mind, I don’t think the parents would object. It’s the sudden decision to throw away the opportunity for admission to a top college in favor of joining the Marines as an enlisted man that has thrown them for a loop.

OP, I recommend that you have your S contact the ROTC program at whichever 2 or 3 colleges are his top choices. Talk to them about how serving our country can be combined with their particular college. There may be a middle ground in which your S can combine his college experience with his desire to serve. Good luck!

I come from a Marine family. Two of my relatives (brother and sister) both went through this exact scenario in the last couple of years. Both were very high achieving students who had done things that many high school kids hadn’t. I wouldn’t suggest talking to a recruiter. They are known to have another agenda. Talk to a serving Marine or a recently retired Marine. The answer your son will get (as did my two relatives) was to get the education first with a detailed plan of what they want to do as a Marine and work toward it because it is far better to go in with a good education than to go in on the bottom rung. My nephew ultimately decided to enlist anyway and was shocked about how difficult the schooling component is (because everyone has to be educated to a job), and his sister decided to finish college first with a specific plan to her aspiration. They both agree that she made the right long-term decision. They are from a military family, though, because their father is a career Marine officer who has been deployed all over the world and they knew exactly what they were getting into. I wonder if your son has a truly realistic view of what he would be doing on a daily basis and what the long-term outcome will be.

I do not have the mental or physical capacity to join the marines. but for you to say he is throwing his life away joining the marines is offensive both to your son who is making a choice about what he wants as an adult…not the decision you want for him. but you are offensive to a proud and honorable fighting force. (and I am saying that as person who is not big on the military). you should be worried yes it can be dangerous. but be proud…very proud and supportive!

I think its 8 of our last 10 presidents that served in our nation’s military. Throwing one’s life away?
Yes, many have fought and died, and families have lost loved ones to give the OP the right to make such a denigrating statement.
I stand by the OP’s right to make such a statement, but I stand by my right to strongly disagree. I am not traumatized, nor do I need to run to a safe space. As an adult, I realize sometimes people express different opinions.
The kid didn’t throw it all away as if he’d joined a street gang, or had committed murder. He is choosing to serve our nation. Choosing to help preserve our physical safety as well as our freedom of speech, religion, and in general, our American way of life.

The OP may not have meant to “hit anyone’s nose” , to paraphrase an expression, but the right to swing the fist ended when it did hit someone’s nose. In this case, those that enjoy the freedoms our nation’s military has fought and died to protect.

@Light1012 I was a high performing Asian American who seriously considered pursuing ROTC or a military academy nomination when I was in HS. What drew me was the idea of authentic service to something larger than my own needs (including the dreams & hopes of my parents). My mother was concerned about the safety aspect – I hadn’t applied to nor been accepted at any colleges yet. Ultimately I chose to not go that path; I attended a great school and now serve in a capacity that fulfills some of that 17 year old desire.

Like others have said, you’ve not been able to either elicit your son’s true concerns or you’re deaf to them. Perhaps he’s sick of all the in-authentic, grade-grubbing, selfishness of fellow high achieving students whose sole goal is some Ivy acceptance letter? It’s not uncommon and if he’s seen what I see, i can concur.

My only advice for you is similar to what others have said: seek the counsel of professional officers (hopefully Marines). Or investigate if his top schools have ROTC/NROTC/AFROTC programs. Try to speak to instructors/faculty and see if they can speak with your son. They would LOVE to have him in their programs.

Also, while you can say you mean no insult, the fact is your attitude IS insulting. Please stop that. This is perhaps one of the reasons your son rebels – because you hold an obnoxious position about an honorable profession and you’re part of that selfishness and self-absorption he desires to turn his back upon.

At the end of the day, if you can’t convey to him “I’m proud of you whatever you choose” then you’re the one with the problem.

perhaps he is not looking to be an officer and not interested in ROTC…perhaps he wants to experience the Comradery of being a marine. I have met people from all kinds of backgrounds who have served as marines and they are highly disciplined, honorable people who carry themselves in a certain manner. it is impressive. they do not know each other but they have a certain trait that they have in common…and I am not talking about being macho or something.

Seems like you are projecting your situation on someone else. These kind of personal attacks are not helpful whatsoever.

Everyone has offered you great advice. He might change his mind after talking to a recruiter or he might not. If after everything he still decides to do things his way. You need to find a way to accept it and move on.

I would think our country needs kids in the military who are top students to help with the worlds upcoming global challenges. One could argue to make his contribution really count he should go to a top school, study an area the military needs, interact with all types of students, especially international, then apply his talents to make our world safer. Maybe find someone high up in the military and get their opinion. Not many kids have this path available and he may discover another marine is not as critical as someone who in four years brings a much-needed skill set and critical thinking skills to the military. Just a thought…

I’m wondering what precipitated this direction change? Is it sudden? If you’re saying he had never shown any desire for military service, always concentrated on school and related activities, then what changed in the last few months? Apologize for your reaction. I’d start there. Then ask him. I would NOT even say or whisper the word “dangerous” or phrase “throw X away”. I just want to know what caused this change of heart.

otoh, he may have always wanted the military but the family purposefully ignored it. So he followed “the script” for a high achieving student of aiming for a top X school. With acceptances now showing up, he may have realized he doesn’t want that. Again, this means you need to listen to him. Hear what he wants from his life. Work together to find paths that best suit him. This may mean taking a gap year and applying to a different set of schools. I suspect whatever it is, he will be doing something that you never anticipated (that’s okay).

The best parent role models for me has been parents who work with their child. I am always amazed by how unfazed they seem with they deal with their child work out some issue, large or small. Make no mistake, these same parents have strong personal opinions. I try to follow their process and actions (and often fail but I keep trying).

People often say “join the military” without understanding the guts of what that means. If he does research and makes an informed decision, then who can argue? But he should do research before making such a momentous decision.

I agree with many who have posted…at this point your objective should be sure to make sure he is educated on all the choices…enlisting, college with ROTC, military college (VMI), service academy…

or even a combo of starting college and then reapplying to the military academies for the next year if he is not prepared.

Perhaps read in these forums about Service Academies and ask your question
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/u-s-service-academies/

You will see there are many others who kind of surprised their parents with the idea of military service.
Also, serviceacademyforums.com is more specific to the topic…maybe reach out in the Parents subforum to get support/info.

Talking to an 18 year old boy about safety is a waste of breath, and makes it more likely he will pursue the course you are hoping he will not pursue.

I wonder if this is related to a fear of launching. If he goes off to college, he becomes responsible for his choices and all sorts of new responsibilities. He may fantasize that the military will be safer as it will control his choices and behaviors more clearly.

Just speculation. . . but I do find that freshmen are often overwhelmed by all that is new and what it might imply about who they are and will be. Hence, the gap year.

Not sure if this is a possibility since I haven’t seen it mentioned so far. Would it be possible to join the National guard or the Reserves while studying in college? I have students who do that, but am not certain of all the details. Perhaps he can look into his acceptances and see which would be compatible with that option. Maybe he can take a gap year and explore those options.

I do not know what any of this entails - just passing along some other options. Kids seem more open to a dialog when you can acknowledge their desires and help them to seek a path that could be more accommodating. Agree with many of the posts here that he would be valuable to the armed forces with a degree.

Was he involved in high school athletics to help him build up physical endurance? Is the enlisting idea a rebellion from all those years of studying, studying, and more studying? Also, have him talk with folks who have served in the military, as others have suggested.

@SlackerMomMD asks some good questions. @mathprof63 poses an interesting option worth exploring. I agree with all who say it’s his choice, but you can certainly guide him. If he tries college for one year - investigating ROTC, National Guard options for this as well - and comes to the conclusion it was the wrong choice he can enlist. However, if he enlists now and comes to the conclusion it was the wrong choice many of the options now open to him won’t be.

I agree with those that suggest talking to him about the reason for his decision. Is he simply sick of school and being a super student and sees college as four more years of the same? Is a gap year doing something hands on (defer his acceptance for a year) an option that might provide a break but not require a 3-year commitment.

Does he understand the difference between going in as a recruit with a HS education vs a college grad, officer candidate?

I don’t think the OP was putting down the military at all. If one of my kids wanted to skip college for any reason, especially if accepted at top schools, I would be concerned. Certainly, going into the military after college seems like it would be a more mature, well thought-out decision.