<p>I haven’t read the whole thread, either. I hope people will forgive me if I repeat advice given previously.</p>
<p>I think now is the time for lying. You’ve tried the truth, and it hasn’t worked. Tell them you’ll try following their advice. Tell them your daughter will apply to MIT or Stanford, or wherever. When spring comes, tell them where she’s been admitted, and say as little as you can about MIT or Stanford or wherever. If asked, you can equivocate a little: you can say truthfully, “She didn’t get in,” without saying explicitly, “…because she didn’t apply.”</p>
<p>The biggest downside I can see to this plan is that it tacitly sends to your 18-year-old daughter, who’s about to venture out into the world, the message that sometimes you should lie to your parents.</p>
<p>Honestly, it may or may not be the grandparents’ fault that they’re out of touch and they don’t get it, but the fact is, they don’t get it, and it seems unlikely that they ever will. You have tried to explain to them how the landscape has changed, but they either will not or you cannot believe it. So, try lying. There will be less arguing.</p>
<p>Yeah… they really aren’t going to get it, that is pretty obvious. Sikorsky, we have a whole year before she actually even applies (D2 is a junior). We did visit Stanford while in CA late in the summer. D liked it pretty well, but not better than some of the LACs she has seen. I don’t know if it would be her top preference even if she got in. It isn’t really in my nature to lie about it (although I can see how it would make things easier!). It is nice to have the CCers who do get it to listen to me vent!</p>
<p>Personally a small investment might help keep the family peace … if my daughter would not have applied to Stanford except for her grandparents wishes then I might suggest the following to my daughter … why don’t you apply to Stanford to please Grandma and Grandpa and have her write an essay that says something like … “Dear Admissions Rep - I am applying to Stanford to please my grandparents. I know Stanford is a great school and any student would be lucky to be admitted however I am interested in much smaller LACS so please reject my application and give the valuable admission offers to students who would take advantage of the great opportunities at Stanford”</p>
<p>Why even bother to apply, though? Just tell grandma / grandpa you did, and don’t. Why go through the trouble of doing the real app and torpedo-ing it?</p>
<p>The older my folks get, the more desperate they are to be “relevant” with the family. They know that they are out of the loop and it can be very painful for them. Dad is just about to turn 90 and mom 86. Last week Dad called my brother (who works for a large lifestyle magaizine in NY ) and asked him if he could call some of those other magazines and get one of the grandchildren a job as a fashion model. He called vocalist D and suggested that she “apply for a job at the Metropolitan Opera,” since they put on lots of “shows” and need" lots of singers." Tomorrow over the dinner table he will have suggestions for everyone. We smile and thank him for his careful consideration and that’s that. He just wants to be helpful. We take that into account and it warms our hearts.</p>
<p>We had a similar problem with my father-in-law. He didn’t want our daughter to go to Harvard because it is one of them-there fancy schools. I felt that if we weren’t asking him to help pay then he needed to keep his opinions to himself. This isn’t the only area where he has trouble with boundaries. His last visit was such a disaster that I don’t ever want to see him again.</p>
<p>Don’t budge one inch. It’s not their business where your daughter applies to school, (I know everyone agrees on that). If they are successful in bullying your daughter into applying to Stanford then the next time they want something done their way they’ll just bully you until they win.</p>
<p>Oh dear! Well, you could just make a bunch of signs and hang them EVERYWHERE that say:
" Any discussion about any college is NOT allowed this weekend,
or anytime during the next 14 months"
and when they bring up the subject, silently point to one of the signs and shake your head “NO” .</p>
<p>that way you dont have to lie, argue or listen to them.
its worth a try…</p>
<p>Ha! D2 will probably ask me to serve as college counselor for her kids. She doesn’t care for the whole process. D1 is so organized, I am sure she will do a great job with no input from me.</p>
<p>And I like the sign idea! Not sure if I could get away with hanging them at their house when we visit their, though.</p>
<p>Slithy, I did try the cost info again last night… it was not even a speed bump in the conversation…</p>
<p>I would not lie. I might encourage my kid to toss one super-reach app into the pile to make them happy. Why not? The only problem with doing that is that she could get in and the pressure would be on. But if she picked one that she liked well enough to attend, that would be okay and she could say no down the line. If it meant that much to my mother-in-law I’d tell my kid, “You have a chance to do something for not much effort that will make your grandmother happy.” Why should this be a hill to die on? (This reminds me of the storyline on Gilmore Girls where the grandparents wanted Rory to apply to Yale, the grandfather actually manipulated an interview, etc. She was adamant for Harvard, it was a huge autonomy/control issue in the family, but she gradually fell in love with Yale and ended up going to everyone’s satisfaction.)</p>
<p>I am floored by how inconsiderate your parents are being. They are not deaf, but they sure are stubborn. This is not their decision, period. Is there a delicate way to ask them to put their money where their mouth is- that if your D applies to one reach school, gets in and decides to attend, that they will pay for her attendance in full? If not, change the subject when they bring it up. I think this was suggested when you first brought it to cc’ers attention. What was their response?</p>
<p>This is too important of a decision to predicate it on what would make grandma happy. This isn’t about going to the diner instead of the Chinese food you’d prefer.</p>
<p>Ha! Actually, my dad is also pretty deaf Add in his “selective hearing” on the cost, likelhood of admission, and D2’s actual preferences, and you have the picture. I did let him pick the restaurant for dinner last night, Pizzagirl. Maybe I should tell him he should be happy with that.</p>
<p>The important decision is where to go. Throwing in an extra app is not a big decision, it’s just throwing in another app. Pick a school with the lowest admit rate, write a bland essay if you want to throw the odds and it’s very unlikely she’d get in. I’m not suggesting she attend a school she doesn’t want to.</p>
<p>^ … I agree … I like to pick my fights … personally if throwing in another application or two placates the grandparents for a few months and reduces the noise on the subject it is money well spent.</p>
<p>Hmmm,
Parents being pushy. Well, let DD sit with them at computer, settle on a reach school, and use their credit card. They will come to table happy, and she’ll have wasted half hour or so.</p>
We did visit Stanford while in CA late in the summer. D liked it pretty well, but not better than some of the LACs she has seen. I don’t know if it would be her top preference even if she got in. It isn’t really in my nature to lie about it (although I can see how it would make things easier!). It is nice to have the CCers who do get it to listen to me vent!</p>
She doesn’t care for the whole process. D1 is so organized, I am sure she will do a great job with no input from me.</p>
Add in his “selective hearing” on the cost, likelhood of admission, and D2’s actual preferences, and you have the picture. I did let him pick the restaurant for dinner last night, Pizzagirl. Maybe I should tell him he should be happy with that.</p>