<p>I would certainly prefer that D not marry until after she graduates from college. And, in all honesty, I doubt her BF, who is 2 1/2 yrs older and more level-headed, would act so precipitously. (Though I know he has already broached the subj.)</p>
<p>A couple contemplating marriage should certainly consider the consequences - - financial and otherwise - - of such an undertaking. But, at a time when soooo many young adults continue to receive assistance from their parents well beyond college graduation, the insisitence that a couple be self-supporting before marrying seems unreasonable. </p>
<p>DH and I were in our 30s when we pruchased our first home - - w/ assistace from both sets of parents. And none of the young professionsal in my office, whether single or coupled, could have purchased their first homes w/o varying degrees of parental assistance.</p>
<p>In fact, surprisingly few couples/families of my acquaintance (including some of my 50+ age peers) are financially self-sufficient. Many receive some assistance from their families - - whether it's refinancing through the bank of mom & dad, or more likely, in the form of grandparents paying for any number of grandkids' expenses (summer camp, pvt sch, underwriting the bar/bat mitzvah, etc.).</p>
<p>And, on a more personal note, I recall living with my parents in the 4 room apt that was their first home as a married couple. They got a great deal from the landlord, my paternal grandmother, who let them live rent free in one of the two units above her street-level beauty parlor. My mother had already graduated from college and father completed his BA several years later after army service; both went on to earm masters degrees.</p>
<p>My parents also had all 3 of us when my father was getting his PhD and my moother was a SAHM. However, they had both completed their bachelors' before they got married.</p>
<p>H and I were long married with 2 kids before we got our masters. H's was on the DOD dime. They sprung for Harvard so he could teach at West Point. :)</p>
<p>Weenie - my dad had <strong><em>8</em></strong> kids when he got his Ph.D. I was #7! I still remember him saying to my younger sis and me: "OK! Girls! Let's do homework!" It was the highlight of my first grade year, that Sis and I, who was in Kindergarten, could do our homework together with DAD while the other kids had to go to their rooms, or the kitchen table. <em>WE</em> got the dining room table with the really high chairs. I was so proud.</p>
<p>In my family, kids #2,3,5, and 8 all got married while in college. Half of them stayed married (#3 married an alcoholic, #8's H decided he was gay 15 years and 4 children later). Of the rest of us, who got married between 25-31, we all stayed happily married. Youthful indiscretion was definitely a factor in the breakups of sibs #3 and #8.</p>
<p>I've talked some with my son about his relationship with his girlfriend, particularly since some of his high school friends have recently had surprise babies. He assures me they are not going to get themselves into that situation and do not plan to even get engaged until after college. </p>
<p>My mom's take on the situation very much surprised me. My own brother was cut off financially when he married at age 20, but my mom is suggesting we continue to support our son if he marries while still in school (assuming that the girlfriend's parents do the same). He would lose our health insurance, but the school does offer inexpensive policies. </p>
<p>I hope they wait until they can support themselves. I will advise that if asked, but for now am just accepting their assurances that they have no immediate plans. Still, I have that little niggling fear that things will progress faster than anticipated. They have been dating 13 months - my husband and I married after dating for 13 months, but we were in our late 20's, through school, and on our own. </p>
<p>My h. and I married after my junior year in college and just after his graduation from undergraduate school. We had one child while he was in med school and 2 more during his residency. Worked out just fine for us. I would guess in his med school class at least 50% were married before they finished.</p>
<p>My husband and I got engaged the summer before his senior year of college (he's a year younger than I am). We moved to family housing, so he spent his last year of college in family housing rather than in the dorms. I felt awful about that -- I thought he should get to spend his last year in the dorms -- but he wanted us to have an apartment. </p>
<p>Of course, we lived entirely on my graduate student stipend last year -- his parents were only responsible for the small portion of his tuition that wasn't covered by his scholarships and financial aid. And now that he has a job, we are completely financially independent of both sets of parents.</p>
<p>I think our engagement engendered some alarm among his parents and other relatives -- it's more unusual to get engaged at 21/22 in Massachusetts, where he's from, than it is in Ohio, where I'm from. But our relationship is pretty different from the relationships of most other people our age, and everyone realized it by the time of the wedding.</p>
<p>I would be more impressed if your Mom/wife, rather than Dad or DH, had gotten a PhD while having children. Generally the man has it a teensy bit easier, not having to actually be pregnant, nurse the child etc. </p>
<p>I know when I was pregnant I felt stupid all the time and had to be in bed by 10 pm. :( :D</p>
<p>I was a full time student, taking classes and writing my major MA paper while pregnant with my first child.</p>
<p>I was taking night classes to finish up my MA while caring full time for my first child (while H was in med school a jillion hours a day) while pregnant with my second child.</p>
<p>Back to getting married while an undergrad, which is the terrifying scenario proposed...we got married while I was in grad school and DH was beginning his senior year in a 5 year program. He was financially independent (easier to get instate residency back then) and his parents liked me a lot, but still...I don't think I could be as calm as they were!</p>
<p>Looking back, I think the only reason we didn't wait is we were afraid MY parents would find out we were living together! :D</p>
<p>My mother told me that she would no longer pay for my education if I got married before I finished my degree. There was no reason to give this info to me since I was not seriously involved with anyone. I guess it was a warning, and I really resented it. </p>
<p>My BIL dated his first wife for many years. They started dating during his senior year of high school. They stayed committed to each other during college. They went to different colleges which were within a few hours of each other. They married, but were divorced within five years. He remarried, but his first wife did not remarry. Part of the reason for their divorce was that she was not willing to relocate to another part of the country (it would have been distancing herself from her parents and extended family) for his employment opportunities. I will say that there were other reasons for their divorce, some of which related to extended family. She could have had the same type of employment in the other area of the country. My BIL made the move without her, he met someone else and remarried. His second marriage did not happen without many war wounds, scars, and time to heal.</p>
<p>My mother-in-law got pregnant while writing her dissertation and never did get her PhD. It had pretty unfair consequences - she was in some weird U. of Chicago program that didn't give you a BA, so when many years later she decided to get an MLS they didn't give her full credit for her U of C courses. She ended up taking a year of courses at Catholic University to get a BA before they'd let her into the Library program.</p>
<p>There are many practical details to consider. Are they covered by parents' health insurance? (often they won't be any more if they are married...) Are they on fin aid? (this can get complicated if they are not "dependents" any more)-- the list goes on.</p>
<p>I think often young people rush into marriage when otherwise the parents will not allow them to live together (will not support renting an apartment off campus/ will put them in separate living quarters during visits on breaks). If this is the case, the parents should get over it, and maybe the whole marriage issue will go away...</p>
<p>I heard the same exact line as you, northeastmom! Maybe it was how it was delivered, but I didn't resent it. I thought it was a fair thing to outline expectations for something like that <em>before</em> it had a chance to happen, so that there was no question about it later on. I also knew that it was a real sacrifice and a struggle for my family to send me to both college and grad school. Education was the most important priority in our family for a young person of that age, and they believed that marriage, to have the greatest chance of success should be at a time when the couple is self sufficient and both have finished their education. I agree with that even more so today.</p>
<p>How old is your son - a sophomore in college would make him only 19 or 20! The way I see it, no matter <em>how</em> wonderful the person is, two people of that age have an awful lot of changing and growing and maturing to do. If it's meant to be for a couple , it will be, but my personal opinion is that I think both young people do themselves a disservice to make such a commitment at this point. How long have they been together now? Have they ever dated other people as adults? As a parent I would certainly be warm and welcoming to the GF, but encouraging marriage is the last thing I'd do, even if the girl is the greatest thing ever.</p>
<p>BTW, I also wonder if the grandmother knows something that you don't know - is it at all possible that the couple has confided something to her or that she is testing the waters as to how you'd feel on the subject on their behalf?</p>
<p>My son is 20 - the girlfriend 19 1/2 - way too young in my book to consider marriage. They have been "going together" since August of last year. For my son, at least, this is his first long-term relationship. When they started dating, we expected it to last a few weeks or months, but have been surprised that they are very much still together after more than a year. </p>
<p>They both live on campus - he in a 4-man apartment, she in a 4-woman apartment - but in practical terms he has all but moved into her apartment. We visited them a few weeks ago and my son claims that her roomates are OK with this - I sure hope that is the case (the apartments have 4 single bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen and living room).</p>
<p>We do like the girlfriend very much. She visited us last Christmas - our son visited her family over Spring Break (we live 1500 miles from her parents so we haven't met them). The kids are talking about my son going to her hometown for the summer and getting a job there, apparently with both of them living with her parents. I wonder what they think of that!</p>
<p>I don't think my mom has had a conversation with my son about this - I think she has just mellowed over the years and sees things differently as a grandmother than she did as a mother. </p>
<p>Son will be home 2 weeks at Christmas (1 additional week to be spent with girlfriend at her parent's home). I guess we'll talk then - he certainly isn't very forthcoming on phone calls about much of anything.</p>
<p>My D met someone wonderful her sophomore year in college, and they were exclusively a couple right up to graduation. They both moved to a new city where he attends graduate school and she's working for a year while considering her next academic move. They purposely decided to live in the same city, but not live with each other, so they could continue the relationship. If they break up, they still each like their city. Both have shared roommate situations in college-style offcampus housing. </p>
<p>I asked D whether this was leading towards marriage and she looked at me like I was from outer space. In her mind, they are both 21, love each other, want to be able to keep seeing each other only, but don't know if now or ever it will mean marriage.</p>
<p>Grandma might just be pushing an old agenda on a very young couple. RIght now in college, they have every opportunity to be close without any of the pressures of marriage. Let well enough alone, IMHO. No need to suggest marriage; they've heard of marriage. If they want it, they'll come find you and tell you that's what they want.</p>
<p>On the plus side, getting married puts you in a different financial aid group. </p>
<p>Back in my day, for most of the couples that got married during college, the wife quit school and went to work, the husband took a part time job and went to college. He usually finished his degree; she usually didn't. </p>
<p>As one of my friends told me, it took her 3 years to get through the first three years of college. It's taken 20+ years to get through that last year of college!</p>
<p>I got married after 2 years of college, DH had his BS. I worked for a bit, but when the kids came along, I made it a priority to finish my degree and did so, and boy do you apply yourself to getting papers done early when you never know if a baby will be up all night crying; however it was not the quintessential college experience we crave on this board, which I why I would encourage my kids to finish school first, and take some selfish "me" time before beginning a new life partnership.</p>
<p>But is it really selfish "me" time if the either or both members of the couple are totally focused on the other and never really settling in at their respective campuses?</p>
<p>Even if it doens't result marriage, an exclusive college relationship can be quite limiting.</p>