Marriage during college?

<p>Yeah, I guess my 40+ year old self recognises that I never took "me" time, and once I had kids am not really going to focus on me, if I have extra time & money, now i would rather share experiences with the kids, but I should have done some more traveling back in the day. Maybe couple time, but don't try to buy a home and all that immediately. Back in the day, with housing prices escalating in the late 70s/ early 80s, there was such a fear of being priced out that I was 21 when we bought our first home and have never been without that obligation.</p>

<p>I tell my kids to take some me time and mean some exploring the world and your options time ;)</p>

<p>I know a couple who were attending a fairly selective school (most students single, dependent, going full-time, no plans for marriage until later) who got married their freshmen year. It worked out for them, although they were the only undergrads living in married housing. The bride told me she felt left out a lot, because so many of her peers assumed she wouldn't be interested in their social activities. She was viewed as pretty unusual (as a married person) even though in truth she was just like them and her interests were similar to theirs. That was the big drawback she encountered & related to me.</p>

<p>hoedown--I too would assume she would not be interested in their social activities, unless her husband were also invited. A lot of marriages get in trouble when one or both spouses assume they can continue to go out bar-hopping with "the girls" or "the guys" and they sort of forget they are married after a few drinks. :(</p>

<p>Yeah, you have a good point. I wouldn't consider it a good idea to be going to a lot of parties without your spouse. However, this person wasn't a drinker (besides being underage). I got the impression she meant other kinds of activities, things like shopping or going toa a hockey game or doing a service project or joining a club--even meeting for a study group. I think her peers saw a "married person" as someone who was a completely different animal, instead of their peer. I should have been clearer about that.</p>

<p>I got engaged over spring break freshman year. When I called my mom to tell her, she laughed at me. I was miffed at the time, but now I have teenagers, and I can't imagine them getting married in 5-6 years. We got married in 1989, after my dh graduated. I'd finished jr. year - wasn't quite 21, so we had no alcohol at the wedding. We paid for my senior year. Still married, so I think it was the right decision for us. I did have to deal with people asking if I were pregnant - as if that's the only reason to get married.</p>

<p>eg1--reminds me of the time I went home for break and my father informed me that my cousin (approx. my age and still in college) had gotten married. As my jaw dropped he added, "She's pregnant, of course." In that day & age, it explained everything. Early 70s.</p>

<p>I was married for my last three years of college (did the 5 year plan due to transfer). I guess I was lucky in that I never felt ostrasized by marriage. My school had a big commuter population and I became friends with girls in my major (nursing) who were also commuters and had transferred to the sch. We went out for lunches and got together for study sessions at each others apts. and basically just hung out together everyday at sch. in the student center between classes (since we had no dorm to crash in and there wasn't time to drive all the way home and come back for the afternoon lab). One of those girls got married in our jr. yr. and I was in her wedding. DH went along to some college activities with me. He also had friends from college/work living in the same city so we got together with them fairly often as well. I never felt like I was missing out.</p>

<p>2sonmama--whatever will be, will be. I do NOT approve of any kind of knee-jerk reaction about "when" it is OK to get married. I came of age in the '80s and many, many good and healthy relationships were discarded in favor of the great unknown because we all drank the kool-aid of thinking we were too young at age 21/22 to settle down and marry our college boyfriends. </p>

<p>I hope kids today are smart enough to know that when they meet somebody who makes them happy they should just embrace the possibilities and if they want to get married, get married. </p>

<p>If a marriage fails, it is not because the participants are "too young." Youth is also correlated with poverty, and early childbearing puts further stress and increasing likelihood of poverty. Economic strain is probably the culprit, but age gets blamed.</p>

<p>I know many, many people who waited to marry and they don't do as well as the ones that married their college sweethearts. College together builds a very strong shared value base and a shared network of friends, which are good foundations for a happy marriage.</p>

<p>Packmom--an urban commuter campus is ideal for marrieds. There is more diversity of lifestyle than at a LAC in the boonies.</p>

<p>Mombot--you make some good points. Many young people are so busy playing the field they never form stable relationships in college where there are ample chances to meet "the one." </p>

<p>But I think it's still better to wait to actually get married until you're out of college. If it's for real, it will last a couple of years until at least one of you is earning a living!</p>

<p>mommusic,Yes, we never could have done it if H had not been out of school (engineering degree) and working at a well paying job when we married. Our families were in no position to support us financially. We had to be able to make it on our own</p>

<p>My parents were married during my dad's last year of dental school. My mom worked for the telephone company and he studied. He had a trust for college, so being cut off by parents wasn't an issue. It was probably OK for that one year, but living that way for an extended period of time would be a strain.</p>

<p>My H and I married during my Jr year. He was in grad school and had a 1/4 time teaching assistantship, which barely paid for rent and groceries. My parents paid my last 2 semesters tuition (under $300 in state back in those days) because they wanted me to finish instead of quitting to get a job (good thing, I had no marketable skills!).<br>
Maybe Mombot is on to something. In grad school we were friends with 4 other couples - all of whom married as undergrads and all of whom are still married 30+ years later.</p>

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College together builds a very strong shared value base and a shared network of friends, which are good foundations for a happy marriage.

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<p>LOL, this might explain my marriage. We went to the same college but didn't meet until ten years after graduation, both in the workforce. There was a lot to talk about! </p>

<p>Maybe this is a good marketing tool for alumni reunions :)</p>

<p>I agree with Mombot. I don't think there's a standard blueprint here. S and DIL were both 20 when they married, and it was absolutely the right thing for them. Five-plus years later, H and I have a beautiful grand-daughter. We're all happy! Seriously... they were both self-supporting during college, knew themselves well, and shared basic values and goals. That's about as good as any of us can hope for. They did endure a fair amount of teasing, though, about those Legos on the bridal registry.... ;)</p>

<p>My D has a steady, serious boyfriend. They both graduated from college last year. I kind of hope they get married before they finish grad school, and start a family well before age 30. I was too focused on having everything all set, educationally and financially. And I guess I've seen what happens, baby-wise, when couples wait too long.</p>

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I did have to deal with people asking if I were pregnant - as if that's the only reason to get married.

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<p>This made me laugh. My sister got married before she was 21. They didn't have kids until three years later, and my sister is fairly certain there are people in her husband's small hometown who still insist that she just must have been really, really, really overdue.</p>

<p>Or had a miscarriage after the wedding...</p>

<p>I understand the point of view that marriage can wait until they graduate--in most cases I agree, but I think as a parent is important to listen to your son or daughter's reasons for an earlier marriage. I also don't understand why you would discontinue financial support for an undergraduate simply because they get married. If one of my kids got married before graduation why would that change how much money I give him or her for educational expenses? They are still my kid and it is still my responsibility as a parent to support their path toward economic independence. </p>

<p>The only thing I would hope is that IF one of my kids were to marry early they would not even consider having kids until they could support children.</p>

<p>I agree, Mombot, with both of your posts!</p>

<p>My son was telling me about two MIT friends of his who had a baby (and got married) her freshman year, his junior year. At the same time that he was telling me that it bugged him when they brought the baby to parties, I found myself thinking: at least there's readily available day care on the MIT campus. And then I found myself wondering whether it might not make MORE sense to have kids early rather than later in a career. The young woman will finish MIT about the same time her child is ready for kindergarten... would it be easier to build a career if you didn't interrupt it to have children?</p>

<p>If I recall, school was a full time job. Raising kids was a full time job. No way could I attempt both at once!</p>