I currently am in my second semester of college as a first year student and I still do not have any friends. I go to a well ranked liberal arts college with around 2,000 people, but I am feeling like I made a mistake in attending this college. Here is the backstory, my parents basically wanted me to go to a small college because they felt that since there are small class sizes, I should be able to perform well academically. My older sibling went to a bigger college (a top 30 national university) and did not do so well academically. I am originally from a different geographic region than where my college is located. My roommate and I are not friends. The first time I met my roommate, I was with my mom and we were in my dorm room. She introduced herself to me and my mom and then left without properly getting to know me. My mom and I commented on how rude she was in doing that. My roommate and I could go on for days without talking to each other. We sometimes talk, but we do not talk to each other that much. Second of all, most of the people in my residence hall flat out do not like me. In fact, it seems as if most people do not like me at the school for some reason. First of all, I want to say that I am not fat or anything nor do I have a lot of acne on my face, so I know it could not be because of my looks. However, I am a minority at the college. They will talk to my roommate and they will ignore me. There is a guy who lives next door to me who is really rude; whenever I walk to my dorm room and pass him by, he gives me a hostile and mean look. I literally get so scared of walking out of my dorm room because I am afraid of seeing these people who live in my residence hall who don’t really like me. I remember going to class one day and I was going to sit next to this guy because the other chairs were occupied, however there were some chair outside. The guy gave me a chair from outside because he did not want me to sit next to him. I took the chair and I sat in a spot further away from him. I feel like I could go on and on about all the bad things I have experienced at this college. First of all, this college is big on greek life. When making my decision, I never thought greek life would have any affect or I never thought of how greek life would affect the social life of the college. The only things to do at this college is to go to frat party or some little event. The thing is that I am not really a big partier and I do not drink. I have only been to one frat party by myself. It was the worst experience ever because I only basically danced with myself. My roommate was there but she did not really acknowledge me. Most of the students are close minded and the guys seem like complete d-bags. The women here also seem really pretentious. I try smiling at people and I try to be friendly but people are just not accepting of my friendliness. I don’t even try to be nice anymore. I’m guessing that the reason the students might be this way is because of greek life. I have tried almost everything possible to make friends, I have volunteered for about a month and that did not work. I have tried joining a few clubs but the thing about clubs is that you see the same people every time. It’s not like you see different faces, so I basically see the same people who do not like me at these clubs. I joined a cultural club and some people in the club don’t like me. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few people who are nice to me and that I talk to occasionally. The people I do talk to feel like almost acquaintances. Sometimes, I will go to the dining hall and will eat by myself. I see the people I talk to and they see me in the residence hall eating by myself and they do not invite me over to eat with them. I almost feel like there is a bad rumor about me going on around campus and that is the reason why many people don’t like me or are giving me these mean looks. I swear that I am not lying, people honestly give me these hostile looks. I almost suspect my roommate for spreading a rumor about me. I get so depressed, I tell myself that it is probably better for me to go off campus to find friends. It’s funny because when I go off campus, its like a breath of fresh air. People seem to be friendlier to me whenever I go off campus. I go on Facebook and see my friends at their colleges have friends and I start crying because I am ALWAYS by myself. The only best friend I have is my sister. I talk to her on the phone whenever I get the chance to. My sister is basically like my saving grace. I tell her how I feel about my situation at college and she tells me that maybe I should think about transferring. Even when my sister came to visit me at college, she also remarked how close-minded and pretentious the student body is, so I know I am not crazy for thinking this way about the student body. I am currently scheduling a meeting with the counselor at my college. I honestly feel like the academics are great at this college, but the student body and the social life are really making me feel miserable. Do you guys think I should transfer or should I wait it out? Honestly, I feel like I should transfer because I feel so unhappy and I really doubt that things will get better for me. I feel like I would be happier at a bigger college without greek life, with more diversity (racially and in terms and interests), and more people. Did anyone kind of experience the same thing that I am going through?
Sorry if this is such a long post, I just feel like I need to vent and I feel like I need guidance from the college confidential community.
I can relate to this on some level; I’m a sophomore, and while I do have friends at my school, I don’t feel like I have any best friends, if that makes sense. I suppose I’m a floater, someone with a lot of shallow friendships that rarely transcend hanging out between classes and study groups. So, in short, I feel pretty alone, too. It’s tough, it sucks, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
Since I don’t know what region of the country your school is in, it makes your situation a little difficult to assess. You say you’re a minority at a small school–perhaps this is why people are rude to you? If you’re in the south (I am), then I wouldn’t doubt it for a minute. If you’re uncomfortable on your campus and you don’t have anything keeping you there (i.e. strong relationships with professors in your major, leadership opportunities, etc), then you owe it to yourself to transfer. If you feel like you’d be happier at a bigger college with more diversity, then go! I know it feels hopeless now, but I’m sure a change of environment will make you happier.
^as a southerner, I am EXTREMELY offended that you would characterize the entire south as… what, racist? Bigoted? Perhaps this attitude is not helping your situation. We can tell when you just think we’re quaint little rednecks, you know, despite how great you think you are at hiding it.
Now that that’s out of my system, my first piece of advice to @borncity is to try and work on your attitude. I know that sounds harsh, but if you go into every situation thinking about how everyone is glaring at you (whether they are or not), how you seem to be an outsider, etc., you’ll come off as someone that no one wants to approach. I want you to look in the mirror every morning, and even if you don’t believe it, tell yourself that you are a great person that everyone wants to be friends with. Smile at yourself, and REALLY try to believe it. At first, you probably won’t. It’ll feel really fake, and you’ll think this is the worst advice you’ve ever received. But keep doing it. Speaking from personal experience, after a few times, it gets easier. Suddenly it’s less of a phrase filled with doubt, and it’s a possibility. And before you know it, you’re confidently smiling at yourself and patting yourself on the back for how many friends you’re going to see/make every day.
My second piece of advice is to stop dwelling on your room/hallmates. Tell yourself that they’re irrelevant, and then stay out all day. Need to study? Go to the library. If they’re giving you negative vibes, separate yourself from their negativity.
Go into every situation with a façade of confidence. I really believe that if you fake it, one day you’ll realize that you really do believe in yourself. Don’t wait for the guy to get a chair from outside, just sit next to him without a pause. Or, if you can, try to get to class early and sit somewhere where you know people will be around you, like near the front of a lecture hall or in the middle of a seminar room.
You have to see yourself as someone worthy of friendship before you’ll get friends. If you don’t think you’re friend material, how can anyone else?
I personally think you have a negative attitude about the entire situation. “I’m not fat or anything”? I know if I heard you say something like that, I wouldn’t be drawn to hang out with you. Maybe you should try be positive and friendly to the people that surround you.
I really think you need to stop sweating the small stuff so much. So you don’t get along well with your roommates? Whatever. Your probably not going to see them again ever. If your happiness is completely depended on other people liking you, you are never going to be happy. Just stop caring quite so much.
Dear miserable,
I can understand how you are feeling and want to share a few thoughts with you. I’ve moved around a lot in my life including going to a big school and having to start over and moving to a new country where I knew next to no one, so I know a thing or two about having to start over and make new friends. One of the things that I have found most helpful is to try and see the situation in the best possible light and not assume the worst from those around you.
For example, when you first met your roommate you would have hoped that she stopped and took the time to have a long conversation with you. But let’s remember that your roommate is completely new as well. She’s nervous and trying to fit in. Maybe she had just met a girl in the hallway who smiled and asked her a few questions and she wanted to get back to say hello. Maybe she’s not such a mean person after all but is just trying to find her way like you.
Let’s think about the young man who went outside and got a chair for you. Wow, to me that sounds like a very nice thing to do. I would guess that the chair next to him was intended for someone he was expecting and so to not be rude he wanted to offer you a place but still save a seat for his friend. You might have given him a big smile and thanked him for the chair and then offered a small comment about the upcoming class or the school. He was likely new and trying to fit in as well.
It does take time to build friendships. It’s wonderful that you have tried joining some new groups and volunteering but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make friends right away. Sometimes it’s enough just to go out and do something new, learn something about yourself or even just get through the day. Keep trying, keep volunteering and keep telling yourself that you have more in common with those around you than you think. I might be wrong but I suspect that if you feel that people are frowning at you then you might be feeling a bit sad yourself and are projecting that out to them. If you can give yourself a mental hug and get out there and smile and offer someone else a compliment or a nice comment, I bet you’ll start to see a few more come back your way.
Methinks you overthink things. We had a poster in my house growing up, it said “If you want a friend, be a friend”.
@Borncity, could you make an appointment at the college health center and talk to someone there? I wonder if someone on staff could help you come up with a plan to reach out to a few other students. It might help you to have a sympathetic ear and some support. It can be difficult to navigate the changes of going to college, and a mental health professional could be a very good investment of your time and energy. Good luck and keep us posted.
I was wondering what you did in high school that made you happy? How did you make friends before you got to college?
Is there any activity or any place you have found in your college where you feel comfortable? Are there any people you have met that you like being with so far? How about the classes you are taking. How is it going for you academically? Are you challenged and interested in the learning?
Try to get yourself in a better frame of mind. Find someone you can trust to talk to.
Do keep us posted.
I thought they were the same poster at first! I guess a lot of new roommates “leave without getting to know” the other. And a lot of moms comment on the “rudeness.”
It seems like this college may not be a good fit for you, but you could do more to investigate different housing options for next year. Are there learning communities where you can share a dorm with people in your major? Is there a Circle K or other service organization at your college? Are you involved in church groups? Maybe you can meet some like-minded friends there. I also think could visit with a school counselor and maybe print out your post from here. Would you have been better off closer to home attending a college with some of your high school classmates? It does seem like you are thinking the worst of people and their motives – and how does your sister know that the students at your college are closed minded and pretentious ?