I’m currently a sophomore at a small liberal arts school in a rural area and am absolutely miserable. Going into college I was so looking forward to finding where I belong and connecting with like-minded people. However, my freshman dorm was small and all-girls and pretty antisocial and I had issues with my roommate. This was a double whammy since at my school it’s very hard to make friends if you don’t make friends with your roommate or people from your dorm freshman year. Things got really bad with my roommate to the point where she was pretty much borderline abusive and wouldn’t let me even sleep, but my RA was terrible and rather than letting me get a room change insisted that my roommate and I “communicate and settle our differences like adults”. This led to me needing to go home every weekend as I like about an hour and a half south of my college. This year I have a single because of my anxiety and depression, but every time I’ve tried staying on weekends there was nothing to do and I felt so isolated. Making friends has also been extremely difficult as students in my school are very cliquey and unfriendly. I thought I had made some friends freshman year but they ended up being superficial and hurting me. Most students are just spoiled rich kids who only care about hedonistic stuff like partying, getting drunk and high, and as a child of immigrant professionals I really cannot relate to them at all. I’ve tried everything and have joined clubs but even that is cliquey and I haven’t been able to find anyone who I actually have things in common with. I’m an introverted person and prefer to have a few close friends over a ton of mediocre friends who are really just acquaintances, but this lack of a support system is really tough and I’m just getting lonelier and lonelier. Quite honestly, I feel like I’m in middle school again which was one of the worst times of my life. Any advice???
My standard tips on making friends at college…some may not be applicable but some are.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1808143-having-trouble-adjusting-to-college-making-friends-top-10-things-to-do.html
Are you under medical supervision because of anxiety and depression? If not, you should be.
I do take medication and have tried therapy but it hasn’t worked out.
So many kids can relate to your post OP. I wish we could get all of you together! Keep trying with therapy–sometimes it takes a few different therapists to find the right fit for you. Do you have a Prof that you like? Maybe make an appointment and talk to them–they may have suggestions you haven’t thought of. Join a group that does volunteering projects or get an on campus job. You can always look into transferring if you think it is the wrong environment for you. Many people transfer as juniors from CCs (and other people in your position) and there are sometimes transfer “clusters” at some schools. Do a lot of research/overnights/ visits before you make a decision. Hugs and Good luck!!
Are there other clubs and groups related to your culture/race/religion or perhaps designed for first generation students? Are you interested in theater/debate/politics or other similar activities? Many students’ social lives stem from clubs, teams, etc. not from their dorms and roommates.
Otherwise, I think that you should consider transferring. It may be the case that you would be happier in a larger school and/or one that is in a less rural area with more things going on outside of campus.
Many schools have March deadlines for transfers, but some schools will accept applications as late as May 1st.
Besides the social piece, are you enjoying your classes and are you doing well in them? How are your relationships with your professors?
St. Olaf has an April 1 deadline
Connecticut College has April 1 deadline
Union college has April 15 deadline
Skidmore has April 1 deadline
Wooster has June 15 deadline
Agnes Scott has June 1 deadline
Those are transfer deadines that have not yet passed.
Also – you may want to consider taking time off. Your school probably allows for a leave of absence.
ideas for what you can do during that time –
Student Conservation Association – has internships of varying lengths, housing, and many different topics from outdoorsy things in Alaska to archival work indoors in Massachusetts https://www.thesca.org/serve/young-adult-programs
Volunteer.gov – lists volunteer positions at national parks and other state-managed lands. Housing is sometimes included
coolworks – a website for paying work in nifty places
workaway – a website for working abroad in various capacities. Usually you work for four hours a day in exchange for room and sometimes a meal. The rest of the time is yours.
Americorps NCCC – government – you work to help people in the US for 6 months. Government provides uniform, housing, food, health insurance, and a bonus at the end toward college
Also consider volunteering or working around your local area or do something amazing like hike the Appalachian Trail – http://www.appalachiantrail.org/home/explore-the-trail/thru-hiking
I go to Bard College. Academically, it’s a good fit for me but socially not so much. A lot of the students are stuck up rich kids who only care about partying and getting drunk or high. I have tried joining clubs but since they are student-led they are very disorganized and flakey, as well as cliquey. Luckily, I’m trying to stay positive by focusing on grades and setting other goals for myself even if I feel isolated.
Unfortunately, that is Bard’s rep. Maybe Vassar is more in line with what you are looking for.
I know that you are a sophomore, but am curious as to which other colleges & universities you were accepted. Maybe a change of school will help.
Maybe start your own club? It may be great for you. Take charge and pursue something you may be passionate about… it may change your prospective about your college experience if you control it and don’t let it control you. Hang in there. College can be tough.
I really do feel that I’ve tried everything to make friends, (talk to people, join clubs, go to events, etc) and nothing has worked. I am naturally a very introverted person and strongly believe that when it comes to friendships quality is much more important than quantity, but this lack of a support system here in college is really crippling for me. I went to an international boarding school for High School (I’m Venezuelan-American) so most of my high school friends go to university abroad. At Bard, there isn’t much diversity so it’s been extremely hard to find like-minded people who I just click with. My mother unlike me is probably the most extroverted person I know and has kept trying to pick friends for me even though I don’t end up having things in common or really getting along with the people she thinks would be a good match for me (according to her, this is just because they are available rather than based on compatibility). My problem is that if a potential friendship feels too forced and superficial then it’s not worth it. This is especially since everyone told me that college is “the best four years of your life” where you meet your best friends and “your people”. People here are also super cold and aloof. Like when I’ve held the door for some people rather than saying thank you they looked me in the eye and opened the opposite door. Or when I’ve said hi to people I know, they give me eye contact but look at me like I have three heads. How rude!!!
Transfer.
I’m so sorry to hear you are having such a bad experience. Like another poster said, Bard does have a little bit of a reputation of being exactly how you described. Are you opposed to finding a school off the East Coast? We live in New York and my daughter was only interested in liberal arts schools, but decided to mostly apply to ones in the Midwest because she felt the students would be friendlier. It might not be fair to generalize, but she has found that the students of her Midwestern school are extremely friendly and easy to get to know. The student run activities are pretty good too. The stories you tell about people being downright cold and rude are pretty awful. I can’t imagine that happening at my daughter’s school.
Best of luck to you!
That’s what I’ve heard too. That schools in the Midwest tend to be friendlier. Here on the east coast, bigger public universities also have a reputation for being friendly and diverse. Luckily, I’m trying to keep myself busy by having a part-time job and focusing on my studies so it’s not all that bad. It’s just very lonely. What school does your daughter go to?
Someone who is very introverted may not end up with any more friends as a transfer. It can be tough to make friends for any transfer student. So that may not be the answer. I’d probably get a part time job and/or see if you can research with one of your profs. Volunteer if there are any opportunities to do so. Just stay really busy — you may meet people just in the course of those activities, and having a full schedule will help you stress less about this.
When you say counseling didn’t work out, what do you mean?
The counselors just weren’t very helpful or effective honestly
You might consider searching for a college that fits you better. There are many resources for this, including independent education consultants who might do a more in-depth assessment of what you need and want. Keep in mind that you are going to change and grow so much in the next several years. Where can you do this happily and reach your potential? College is an expensive investment, not just with money but with your time. It’s a great time in your life. It sounds like it is better realized elsewhere, with actual like-minded peers. It’s not too late and you are important enough to be true to yourself and give yourself the best opportunities. Best wishes to you!!
You did not have to answer that question about meds and therapy. That really isn’t anyone’s place to suggest or ask.
I disagree — it is very possible that this student will have similar problems at another college. Transferring is expensive and often delays graduation. Honestly, I see a poster who maybe is waiting for friends to come to her. Every problem they have is attributed to someone else or some outside factor. Sounds like they have seen more than one counselor and found them ineffective — that makes me wonder if she just didn’t want to try their advice.
Well I’m reconsidering giving therapy another change even though I got discouraged since nothing I had tried worked.
I feel for you paoluchsinger. I think perhaps you should consider transferring. Bard is isolated but so are many other schools. My son is a junior at Bard. He spent the first half of the year abroad. He now has an apt in a building in a nearby town. The building is full of Bard students and he way prefers this set up over living on campus. Bard is a very unique place and not for everyone.The level of instruction is first rate.The campus is absurdly beautiful…winters are long though. My other son attends a school known for its friendly inclusive student body. Sometimes its just not a good fit. Good luck to you.