*sigh* I come again...

Parents Forum
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<p>Well I talked to my mom today about my colleges. She told me two things that are leaving me feeling a bit devestated.</p>

<p>1.8 schools is too many. But the thing is, I'm in love with them all equally. I started out with a list of 45 schools, and getting it under 10 has been a grueling task. But I don't think I can cut off another school. I love them, and I can't imagine cutting off one. I mean, 4/8 have fee waivers, and I don't want to cut off schools for no reason.</p>

<p>2.I can't visit my 5 in-state schools. I did visit one today, but that's only because I went with my friend. She said there's no way she can fit it into her schedule, and I feel like this is really selfish. I don't get a second chance to do this, and visiting 1 school just seems really unfair to me. I know it's a lot of gas money, but I'll dig into my money I saved from working for college if I have to. I'm not asking for much. I mean, Ohio State is right next door, and my dad will take me too! I just feel tired from it all. I can't even get my parents together to talk about when I can visit. </p>

<p>Please help.</p>

<p>-Stacey</p>

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<p>Yikes. Did your mom attend college?</p>

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<p>Yes, but she was never serious about school at all, not in high school or college, she went to bowling green state university, and my dad went to Miami (Ohio for both)</p>

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<p>What are the schools on your list?</p>

<p>Your mom is also grieving and is stressed and probably justifiably concerned about $. I can imagine that after having her mom be in a hospice and then die, your mom is probably having a hard time getting through each day. I know that you are grieving now over your grandmom, too, but I think that losing a mom is even more difficult. I literally was in a fog for months after my mom died. I even totalled my car because of not paying attention. I also had some near miss accidents and some medical problems. Given that your mom is probably in those kind of straits, I think it's a good idea that she not drive you to visit colleges.</p>

<p>My advice is to buy some of the videos/cds on some of the colleges that are on your list. Get them through that service that is independent, that has GCs do the tours. Also thoroughly review the websites, Livejournal entries, and contact adcoms, alums, financial aid officers, students at the colleges, etc. </p>

<p>When I applied to grad school the first time, I made my decisions with no Internet, videos or CDs and without being able to visit any of the universities except one. I got all of my info through word of mouth and guidebooks. When I flew out to grad school, it was about 2,500 miles farther away from home than I'd ever been. Still, it was basically what I had expected. Even back then, it was still possible to do research to let me know what to expect. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, certainly for the in-state colleges, you should be able to get excellent info about them. In addition, some colleges may be wiling to fly you in or pay your transportation costs if you contact them, tell them your stats, URM status and about your interests. </p>

<p>Also see if you can get rides with other friends who are visiting college. You could offer to help pay gas money. Most parents are happy to take another student along because the support of a friend would help their kid get more out of the experience.</p>

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<p>Stacey, If it helps any, my daughter has not visited half of the colleges that have ended up on her final list. If and when she gets accepted, we'll visit then, but right now there just isn't time or money to fit in any more college visits. </p>

<p>As for cutting the list down, maybe you could explain to her that applying to more colleges, not fewer, may increase your chances of getting a better financial aid/merit money package? </p>

<p>{{{Hugs}}} to you. Try to be gentle with your Mom. She's been through a lot recently and may not be thinking clearly or ready to also deal with the idea of you going away in just under a year's time.</p>

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<p>I know it is hard to not have an adult focusing on your colleges this October. Try very hard to initiate and do everything you can for yourself without her active support. You can do it! Really. You are on the last lap of a long run...don't lose heart even with your family in a bit of turmoil. Type up a list with your top schools and make three bulleted points about why each school is a possible "match" for you. Envision yourself studying and living at each school and make a stab at how to get this image across. Then make an apt with your guidance counselor and explain that you will not be getting a lot of attention this holiday season and Fall due to what your family has recently gone through. Many schools will show a list of scores and grades and college admission rejections and acceptances, although the student ID is protected. Let her help you sort out a good plan for your college list.<br>
Go to your school websites and see if you can ID the names of the Adcom assigned to your region. Send an email to ask for this person's name. Send this person an email asking for the chance to meet with an alumnus in your county or city.<br>
Be bold and call the homes of students that are home visting parents for fall break or Thanksgiving, even if you barely have a link to them. Ask for a half hour of the student's time even if you have only a tenuous link to them...the older brother of a neighbor, someone your Mom knows from work...whatever. Talking to actual students can be very helpful and dispel myth and highlight strong points of a school. Read the college newpapers online. Lastly, make sure you apply to at least two or three real matches that you can count on. Enjoy making a strong effort for Reach schools, too but above all be ready to love your Match colleges. Instead of dwelling on not getting to drive more places, begin to write your personal statement and your Why College X essays...</p>

<p>best wishes. stay strong and positive. You will be happy next year and this uncertainty does end.</p>

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<p>Why does your mom have to be with you to visit colleges? You went with a friend to visit one school -- can't you make similar arrangements for others? Are some of the schools accessible by public transportation, like a bus? </p>

<p>It sounds to me that you are upset because your mom isn't supporting you in doing things that you can do for yourself if you really want to -- college application fees are expensive, but it is not outside the range of money that a high schooler can earn - we are talking a few hundred dollars, not thousands. Visits are nice, but not crucial. </p>

<p>I'm sorry - I don't mean to sound cold because I know that your family has gone through a lot, but in my mind that might precisely the reason that you need to take some initiative in figuring out how to do things without depending on your mom. My daughter visited 5 colleges on her own last week, and will visit 5 or 6 on her own next week - with cross country trips. I personally think she's nuts, but she is determined to do things her way and I figured out a long time ago that by the time my daughter gets around to telling me her plans, she has already figured out every contingency. I did finance her first trip, but not the second. But the point is -- if you want to visit a college and your mom can't take you -then you need to figure out how to do it without mom. If you want to apply to X number of colleges and mom won't pay, then you need to figure out how to get the money. </p>

<p>I know it is frustrating because you want your mom's support right now and you want to share your college planning with your mom... but this really is your journey and your goals.</p>

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<p>We also were waiting to vist a few more distant colleges on the condition that my son was accepted. The problem with that strategy was that the acceptances came so darned close to the reply date, that it was really impossible.</p>

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<p>Celebrian:</p>

<p>I agree with NSM. Here is where you want to cut your mom some slack; she is still grieving. Also, stress that only for 4 colleges do you need to pay app fees; the others have waivers. Consider visiting those that are easiest to reach and visit the others in April, after you have been admitted. Don't stress over it. Since you are in love with all, that is a good reason to apply. Eventually, you will have to choose the one you love best, since you can only attend one. But there's time.
PS: I did not visit any colleges, since I was an international. It worked out just fine.</p>

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<p>My son did wait until after acceptances to visit colleges. That way he didn't waste time on places that ended up rejecting him or places that he didn't really care about (safeties no longer needed) or that didn't offer enough money. It was quite hectic (and a bit expensive) doing it that way, but it worked for him. He also went alone--both to save money and because that's how he wanted to do it. He was able to stay in dorms at most of the schools, as well as arrange to visit classes, have a music lesson (He's a music major), and talk to professors.</p>

<p>It is nice to have parental support and help in the college process. I'm sure you get feeling overwhelmed at times with the process. I know I did, and I was the parent, not the kid. But hang in there. Your mom may be more receptive after a bit, when life starts getting more back to normal for her. And you have this board for support whenever you need it. </p>

<p>Hang in there! We all look forward to rejoicing with you come April!</p>

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<p>Celebrian25, </p>

<p>First I just wanted to say how much I've enjoyed your posts on the CC site. I'm more of a lurker than a poster, but I know you've got a lot of people rooting for you.</p>

<p>It is a wonderful thing if you can visit the schools you're interested in, but I do agree with what the other posters have said. Sometimes the only realistic way to do things is to go see your top favorites after you get offers of admission and aid. Like others, I picked my grad school sight unseen and it turned out well. I did as much research as I could (and this was before the internet) Back then, people just didn't visit the schools the way they do today. </p>

<p>If the visits work out, that's great. If not, hang in there and wait for the spring.</p>

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<p>"She said there's no way she can fit it into her schedule, and I feel like this is really selfish. "</p>

<p>A week or so you asked us for ideas about what you could do to help your mom, who was dealing with her mother's death after being in a hospice. </p>

<p>Here is how you can help your mom: Help her by not expecting your mom to hold your hand through the college process. Your mom more than likely is having a tough time getting through her day to day life, including whatever the difficulties are with your dad, and does not have the energy to drive you to colleges or to help you much with your college plans. Presumably, she's also dealing with the paperwork and other time consuming, painful things that have to be done after a parent dies. All of this is on top of her coping with her own grief and exhaustion.</p>

<p>Consequently, you need to do as much as possible to help yourself. Fortunately, you have lots of thoughtful, energetic supporters on this board. You also are a very smart, insightful person yourself. You do have the ability to research colleges, to arrange for fee waivers, and to even arrange and pay for your own college visits (Remember, if you ask, some colleges will transport you to their campuses).</p>

<p>Because you are stressed, too, and also are grieving, you also may benefit from getting some extra support from your GC or having some outside counseling sessions if you or your parents can pay for this. If your parents don't have the $, ask your GC for the name of low cost places that may be able to help you, and then make the appointment and do your best to transport yourself there without having to rely on your mom.</p>

<p>I can't emphasize more that it is not necessary to see colleges before deciding where to apply. I also think that 18 applications is way too many, and that if you do more research about the colleges, you should be able to narrow the list down considerably.</p>

<p>The research that I've seen says that having only up to 8 carefully selected applications to send also will actually boost your chances of getting admissions. This is because you'll have the time to personalize each application better. I also think that will help you be in a position to get the best merit aid and need-based scholarship $: If you thoroughly research those issues before applying.</p>

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<p>NSM:</p>

<p>I think Stacey is considering applying to 8 colleges, which strikes me as a very reasonable number.</p>

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<p>Thanks Marite, for the correction. I agree, Stacey, 8 is a very reasonable number. A tip of my hat to you for cutting down your list to that number. :)</p>

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<p>I also think that eight schools is a reasonable list, particularly when you are dealing with selective schools. One of my sons visited most of his schools prior to spring admit, because he happened to have two geographical clusters. My second son waited until after spring admit, to see which schools accepted him. He relied on webpages and cd tours up to that point. Both are very happy with their selections. I think you can do it either way.</p>

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<p>Celebrian - YOU CAN DO THIS!!! 9/10ths of success in college, both academic and social, is a matter of maturity and attitude. You can make it work so that YOU are happy and successful without ever setting foot on the campus of your final choice.
First set your priorities and goals - if there is a particular academic program you need or want, that may have to come first, and YOU have to have the maturity to accept that the college may not quite have the atmosphere, size etc, that you preferred, but the academic program is more important. OR, you may recognize that biology/Eng/ whatever can be well taught at any of the schools or your list, and that because of what you have been through this past year, the environment of the school is your first priority. OR, you may learn that finances outweigh all of these - if so, your success will depend on what you make of the opportunity you have. In some ways, fit can be way overstated on these boards, because, when you think about it, "fit" is really all in your mind, isn't it? If you come to a campus where the physical plant is a little rundown, and the frosh classes a little larger than what seems ideal, but you have a great roommate, join a club or musical group filled with compatible kids, go to an office hours session with a prof who takes time and explains things well - you can end up haveing a great experience, even if on the face of it, the school is not quite what you had in mind. The converse is true too, kids are miserable at .... fill in the blank with your favorite Ivy covered institution.
After you have set your priorities, think realistically about leaving home and going to make a new home among these strangers - how am I going to meet people? What resources are available to me? Do I want to do intramurals or music, or Bible study, write for the paper, or join a political group. As a mature person, I realize that part of adjusting is getting out of my room and meeting people, it might be better to have a plan of how I'm going to do this, rather than risking everyone making friends without me! I think I remember that you are a URM - how will that affect your decision, and your coping strategy?</p>

<p>You can do this - most of us writing on this board had college experiences much more like what you are facing, than the search experience we provided for our kids. Honestly, Celeb, I don't know if my daughter will be successful at her carefully chosen school, but I can tell you for certain that you can go to medium-sized state school of mediocre academics, knowing nobody, having barely ever seen the school (once or twice on a Saturday - an overnight was unheard of), and have a great time, make wonderful friends, meet your future spouse and get launched into the rest of your life without any of the angst we go through around here!
Follow your heart, listen to your head, remember your goals, keep an open mind and the attitude that I AM GOING TO BE GREAT - you will have low points, but believe me, the kids who made all the visits are having second thoughts and low points, too! In the long run, things will work out, truly!</p>